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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Hoedown (UK)

See also Hoedown (US)

Barristers
Being A Tory Politician
Being Stood Up
Biting Nails
Bungee Jumping
Christmas
Coffee
Colin
Cricket
Doing the Laundry
Excessive Drinking
Feeding the Cat
Frying Pan/Frying Food
Gambling
Giving Birth
Going to the Cinema
Golf
Grandmothers
Hairdressers
Halloween
Making Cheese
Marital Problems
Motorcycling
Motorways
Pony Trekking
Presidential Ethics
Puberty
Reading of the Will
Riding a Donkey
Scuba Diving
Scuba Diving Western
Sex
Sex Change
Smelly Feet & Bad Breath
Space Travel (2)
Stone Carving
Taking Exams
Tight Trousers
Vasectomy Surgeon
Weddings
Winning the Lottery
Women
World Leaders
Worst Nightmares


The Barristers Hoedown

(Episode 9.15)

Steve Frost:
I was in the courtroom, just the other day,
And the jury, I began to sway.
I was doing my final speech, it was going really well,
When the judge fell asleep. Bloody hell!
Brad Sherwood:
I'm a lawyer and I needed to hire an assistant,
I saw a girl outside and she was awfully persistent.
She came in and told me all her legal beliefs,
Later on I fell asleep and she went through my briefs.
Colin Mochrie:
Lawyers sue for everything, it really makes no sense.
I just got a suit against me because of impotence.
I really thought it was awful, I felt like such a bad sport,
But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court.
Ryan Stiles:
I made a big mistake and I stole a car,
Cops pulled me over, before I got too far.
I know I'll get convicted and go to the pen,
'Cause I'm being represented by Clive Anderson.
All: Clive Anderson!


The Being A Tory Politician Hoedown

(Episode 8.02)

Greg Proops:
Tory politicians, they really are a drag,
Bumming common people, that just ain't my bag.
But I am a waffler, and a total prat,
So next election I will vote liberal democrat.
Rory Bremner:
(as John Major)
No-one likes a party, they think we're full of shit.
Presiding over Europe, and most of us are split.
When going off on holiday, I really do not care.
The feelgood factor's coming soon, his name is Tony Blair.
Colin Mochrie:
Politics is very strange, it confuses me a lot.
There's Tories, Liberals, Wigs and others, put me on the spot.
They do things very strange ... (faints)
Ryan Stiles:
Being in power can loom really large.
Seems everyone wants to really be in charge.
People who want power will do anything on a dare,
As a matter of fact that's why Clive ripped out all his hair.


The Being Stood Up Hoedown

(Episode 7.04)

Caroline Quentin:
Last night I waited, I waited all night long.
I waited for my boyfriend, sang a little song.
Where in the hell, are you darling dear?
But he didn't turn up, so I'm still waitin' here.
Colin Mochrie:
I met a girl, I really really liked.
I hoped that she'd come over, but she wouldn't ... can you believe it?
I mean, here I've been waiting. I've been waiting! No call. No phone call! (storms off)
Ryan Stiles:
When it comes to girls, I seem to have some kind of hex,
I can never get what I want, and that is sex.
I just run around, I scream and I rant.
I guess I should just pay money, like my friend Hugh Grant.
Tony Slattery:
I waited in the restaurant, I waited just all night.
I drank so much whisky, I began to get quite tight.
And then no-one turned up in the end, and I though Oh No!
And then I kissed a labrador and then I ... (cracks up).


The Biting Nails Hoedown

(Episode 7.11)

Caroline Quentin:
I always like to bite my nails, makes me feel so good.
I always like to bite my nails, although I know I should.
I sometimes get a bit of dirt, right between my teeth,
Makes me feel just great to bite my nails, just beneath.
Colin Mochrie:
I really like to bite some nails, I really really do.
I bite them, bite them, bite them, and then I shout "Yahoo!",
I bite them here, I bite them there, right down to the bone.
But I never, never, never bite my own.
Ryan Stiles:
There's one thing I really shouldn't do.
It's my nails that I love to chew.
Day after day, I can't stop. What a twist!
I've chewed off all my fingers, now I'm nibblin' on my wrist.
Tony Slattery:
I really like to chew my nails, I do it all night through.
And then, when I've finished I say to myself "Phew!",
And then I go and get myself icecream and raspberry ripple,
And after that I begin to suck and swallow my own nipple.


The Bungee Jumping Hoedown

(Episode 8.01)

Steve Frost:
I went up the Eiffel Tower, just the other day,
I threw up myself, the braces how they swayed.
I went down and I went up, and down and up again,
I went up and down so fast, I ended up in Big Ben.
Greg Proops:
The other day my girlfriend said "Greg, you want a thrill?",
She took me to a bridge at the bottom of a hill,
She tied a cord to my back and I ran out of luck,
'Cause when she pushed me off it, I just yelled out ... "Wow".
Colin Mochrie:
I love to bungee jump, I do it everyday.
It's such a nifty, nifty, nifty, nifty way to play.
I love to do it, and people say it's dangerous but it depends,
I find it really dangerous, 'cause I don't tie the other end.
Ryan Stiles:
I like to jump off bridges, it's really lots of fun,
But I'm in a lot of pain, when the day is done.
I don't have a cord, but you never hear me blubber,
I can still go up and down, my penis is made of rubber.


The Christmas Hoedown

(Episode 6.06)

Steve Frost:
Well I love Christmas, I wish it was every day.
I love Christmas, do you hear what I say?
Sometimes I go up and sometimes I go down,
Did you know there was a man called Coco the Clown?
Colin Mochrie:
I love my Christmas, I love it every year.
'Cause I shove food in my mouth, I grin ear to ear.
My cholestorol is high and ...
(has heart attack and collapses)
Ryan Stiles:
I really love Christmas, it's better than the rest.
When it comes to holidays, you know it is the best.
I like to celebrate, I guess I know how it goes.
That's why I prefer to sleep with a reindeer with a red nose.
Tony Slattery:
I like Father Christmas, you know he's hell of a man.
I try to see him once a year, as often as I can.
When he comes, I do all the locks,
And he comes down the chimney and he fills up all my socks.
All: He fills up my socks!


The Coffee (and other related drinks) Hoedown

(Episode 10.06)

Greg Proops:
When I am in England, I'll have a cup of tea,
I'll drink a cafe latte when I'm in Italy.
But when I'm in America, I have lots of luck,
I order coffee from a fast food place, but it's hot as ...
Catherine O'Hara:
I like my Java,
It's hot as lava,
I have 50 cups as the day passes.
But I don't feel real up,
Unless I take 12 cups,
And... shove them up my asses.
Colin Mochrie:
IdrinkalotofcoffeeIreallyreallydo, Ireallydon'tknowwhattodoIdon'tknowwhattodo
Ithinkthecaffiene'saffectingmeIdon'tknowwhattodo, butyouknowIdrinkitIreallylikeitIdanceadance(?)
(dances for the remaining 2 lines of music)
Ryan Stiles:
Lattes, capuccinos, I really can't see,
I like black coffee, and everyone laughs at me.
When I order, they think I have no class,
Why don't they take their espresso machine and shove it up their ass.
All: Shove it up their ass!


The Colin Hoedown

(Episode 10.02)

Clive: Colin... about Colin? Oh... about Colin. It's a hoedown about Colin. Uh... that's... that's nice. That's very nice because Colin is very much associated with this particular game, we know that Colin comes from Canada, born in Scotland, a great improviser, and a very attractive looking man in my personal opinion. So, a hoedown about Colin. Starting with Greg, moving down the line to Ryan, and all done with the assistance of Laura Hall at the piano. Take it away, Greg.

Greg Proops:
Haha... I'm shocked!
I love to sing like Colin, I really really do.
I really really really really really really do!
And when I sing like Colin, it makes me have great joy,
Because I... arrghh! (cracks up and does dinosaur impression)
Phil LaMarr:
Well there is a man they call the king of Whose Line,
His soul is on fire, and his mind is very fine.
He does a hoedown, and he very rarely sucks,
'Cause he is one talented follicly challenged Canuck!
Colin Mochrie:
Everybody's having fun, they're singing all about me.
Let's all laugh along with them, ha ha ha hee hee.
It really is amusing, can't you all see,
Look at them, look at them, of me they're making a Mochrie!
Ryan Stiles:
You've got to love Colin, love him to the end,
I have to admit that he is my best friend.
I would not lie to you, I guess it is no jive,
Anyway you look at it he's still got more hair than Clive!


The Cricket Hoedown

(Episode 9.08)

Debi Durst:
When I'm in England, I love to watch the telly,
I like to watch cricket, but it looks really smelly.
There are these guys, flying around in whites,
What the heck are they doing? ... Hey, room service, give me a bite!
Greg Proops: (in very English accent)
I'm a cricket player, I stand upon the pitch.
I wait for the ball to come, and then I give it a switch.
When the game is over, I retire for a beer,
And I know what you're thinking. And no, we're not.
Colin Mochrie:
I hate watching cricket, how do they do that play?
It seems to run and run and run, it goes on for fifty days.
It takes so long, it takes so long, it really is a crime,
In the time it takes to play cricket I can make love 455 times.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm going to the cricket match, with a pretty girl,
I really don't like the game, but hey, let's give it a whirl!
I sit there and make fun, oh boy, I pick it,
Until she gr.. leans over, and grabs my sticky wicket.
All: Grabs my sticky wicket!


The Doing the Laundry Hoedown

(Episode 4.08)

Chip: Yeep, boy!
Greg Proops: Wooo!
Well chugga chugga chugga chugga chug I'm a washing machine,
Chugga chugga chugga chug I'll get your clothes real clean.
You put in a bunch of quarters, right there in the slot,
And when you take the clothes out... they still haven't finished the rinse cycle, they're still damp.
Yeehah, hah, hah hah hah.
Archie Hahn:
Y'all there, I got clothes, they're all filthy and dirty,
I got all my shorts, I put 'em in my shirty.
I fill 'em up with soap, I fill 'em up with suds,
When they get all rinsed and squeezed out then they're done.
Ryan Stiles:
Doing all your laundry, can turn out to be fine,
Just make sure that you have lots and lots of time.
Keep an eye out, always look at the clock,
Take it out, why is it I'm always missing a sock?
Chip Esten:
I had myself a lady, she thinks I'm really keen,
I take her to the laundromat, have sex in the washing machine.
And when you can come over, and maybe you can try her,
Just get yourself a lady, and get her in the dryer.


The Excessive Drinking Hoedown

(Episode 7.02)

Greg Proops:
I used to like the booze, I used to like the trickin',
But now I get my kicks going out toad lickin'.
I go out to the desert, find myself a frog,
And lick its psychedelic back till I'm high as a dog.
Mike McShane:
Out there on the plains, there ain't no liquor store,
There's just some big cactus, and not very much more.
But the Agave, I'll tell you gives the juice,
You put it in, let it ferment, it really cuts you loose.
Tony Slattery:
(with handkerchief stuffed in mouth)
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm,
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm,
Mmm mm mm mm mm mmm! Mmm mm mm mm mm mmm!
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm and then I cut it off!
Ryan Stiles:
Drinking lots of liquor can go right to your head.
Well one day I drank so much that I woke and I was dead.
Oh, drinking, it really takes some nerve,
But at least I'm dead, hey, I am well preserved.


The Feeding the Cat Hoedown

(Episode 4.05)

Chip: Sing it, Dad!
Greg Proops: I'm gonna!
Well I'm a little kitty, you know my name is Tabby,
My master feeds me too much, that's why my butt's so flabby.
He put me on a diet, he tried to slim me down,
He stuck me in the backyard and put me in the ground.
Ryan Stiles:
I always feed my kitty, the way a master should,
In fact I feed all the kittys in the neighbourhood.
They look at me kinda strange, some are even bitter,
I guess they figured out I'm feeding them kitty litter.
Tony Slattery:
I love to feed my kitty, I feed him from the fridge,
I feed him flies and rats, and little tiny midges.
The problem is I'm blind, I've got eyesight like a mole,
So sometimes I try to stuff the food in the wrong hole.
Chip Esten:
I got a sad story, it really is a pity,
I fed some bad poison, I fed it to my kitty.
I put it in a bowl, I laid it on his plate,
And now my kitty lost his life, he's got another eight.
All: He's got another eight!


The Frying Pan/Frying Food Hoedown

(Episode 4.06)

Greg Proops:
I work in a kitchen, I'm a short order cook,
Though you may not think it, I'm smarter than I look.
Every morning when people come in, and they want eggs and ham,
I don't feel like cooking so I whack 'em with my frying pan.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh I have fun frying up some kittys,
I throw 'em in the pan, I think it's kind of witty.
I watch 'em sizzle and sizzle, oh boy what fun!
And I'm sure they won't stick 'cause this pan is teflon.
Tony Slattery:
I have fun with fried foods, especially when it's really hot,
I've got all the fried foods in the world and you have not.
It's not as much, it doesn't sound quite feeble,
I use all my hot food to burn Jeremy Beadle.
Chip Esten:
I like to fry a lot, I fry all my grittle,
I get me big steaks, I fry them till they're little.
I know it ain't good for me, but I just love it all,
'Cause sometimes when my veins fill up with that cholestorol.


The Gambling Hoedown

(Episode 7.11)

Colin Mochrie:
I entered the lottery, bought myself a ticket,
Watched all the numbers, saw the people pick it.
And now I'm really rich ... Hey! I don't have to sing!
I don't have to do this, I'm rich. I can do anything I want!

(runs around the set)


The Giving Birth Hoedown

(Episode 9.02)

Greg Proops:
I am nine months pregnant, I tell you that it hurts,
Every year I pop out, a couple of little squirts.
But when I go into the room, to have those little... drugs...
Oh... f*** my ass.... you know, failing is one of the major parts of television.
If we may, I'll pick it up.

Oh I'm a little baby, I live inside my mummy,
In a couple of months time, I'll come out of her tummy.
When I'm grown I will, run around on rugs,
But so she doesn't cry I hope she takes a lot of drugs.
Karen Maruyama:
Well having a baby should be given to men,
'Cause when I have mine I killed my O.B. - G.Y.N.
Hey, having a baby, it makes me want to beg,
'Cause nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your legs. Ow!
Colin Mochrie:
There's nothing more beautiful, in this great big earth,
Than watching a wife, giving birth.
Just seeing it fills me with ecstacy,
The thing I liked best was, thank God it wasn't me!
Ryan Stiles:
Watching a baby come out, can be really neat,
I pull up a chair and I sit right down at her feet.
They call the police on me, so I'm heading out the door,
Apparently because she's never seen me before.
All: Seen me before!


The Going to the Cinema Hoedown

(Episode 6.05)

Josie Lawrence:
The favourite thing in my life, is such a crazy dream.
I'd like to be a movie star, up there on the screen.
But I'll never be a movie star, no no no no no,
'Cause I'm too busy snogging on the back row.
Steve Frost:
I love film, I could watch 'em all night.
I like watching them, when I'm in flight.
The ones on the aeroplanes, though the screen is too small,
But that's alright, don't bother me, I've only got one ball.
Ryan Stiles:
I am the person that people want to kill,
Don't really mind, to me it's kind of a thrill.
I'm used to it now, to me it's nothing new,
'Cause I'm the guy that comes in, and sits in front of you.
Tony Slattery:
I saw a film the other day, it wasn't very good.
It starred something that looked like a plank of wood.
I looked a little bit closer, I must've been going insane,
It wasn't a plank of wood at all, it was Michael Caine.


The Golf Hoedown

(Episode 9.13)

Steve Frost:
When I was a schoolboy, my teacher said to me,
"I'm gonna teach you golf, this is called a tee.
You put the ball on it, and swing very hard,
But make sure you use a club and not a piece of lard!"
Greg Proops:
Hehe... you stunned me! Aah...
I'm next to Colin Mochrie, he really is a chum.
Before we shoot the programme, he lets me pat his bum.
But when we go out golfing, it really makes me sick,
'Cause he always asks me to grab onto his stick.
What am I, a genius?
Colin Mochrie:
I love playing golf, I play it all the time,
Though the way I play it some think it is a crime.
My golfing instructor told me it was lots of fun,
When he stepped in front of me, whoops, hole in one!
Ryan Stiles:
When I go golfing, we always bet a buck.
Then my friend kisses me, he kisses for good luck.
I'm not saying I'm aroused 'cause he is just a friend,
But when he smooches me it makes my putter stand on end.
All: My putter stand on end!


The Grandmothers Hoedown

(Episode 8.14)

Steve Frost:
I went to my grandmother's, just the other week,
She greeted the door and gave my nipple a tweak.
She's always doing that to me when my back is turned,
Last week she opened the coalshed, and there was a milk urn!
Josie Lawrence:
I love my grandmother 'cause she is very nice,
I go and see her on Sundays and she gives me some advice.
Like always use a Bible, and never shave your legs,
And tomorrow she's teaching me how to suck eggs!
Colin Mochrie:
I have a mobile phone, it is really neat!
It dials, and calls, and washes my feet!
It expands and grows, and turns into a plane,
It really is great, neat... I'm insane!
Ryan Stiles:
I love my grandmother and when the day ends,
I discover that we are a bit more than friends.
(stops in disbelief)
... the teeth right off her gums!
All: The teeth right off her gums!


The Hairdressers Hoedown

(Episode 5.02)

Greg Proops:
Oh I hate going for a haircut, it really is a drag,
'Cause I think that my barber, is a mighty hag.
Every time I sit in the chair, I just say "Damn my luck!",
'Cause he always cuts my ear and then I yell out... "darn!".
Russell Fletcher:
To get a haircut I need to save up a few bob,
To get a nice knit one so I can get that new job.
But when I went in, I came out a little bit queerer,
I hadn't been to the hairdresser, I'd been to the sheep shearer!
Ryan Stiles:
Oh I'm not sure of my barber, I think he's kinda strange,
The way he likes to play at my hair, he always rearrange.
I'm not sure about him, I'm not sure he's the kinda guy,
But I can't complain when he likes to blow me dry!
Josie Lawrence:
Well I hate hairdressers, and all the things they say,
They put my neck over the sink and say "Have you been on 'oliday?"
Yes I hate hairdressers, I ain't been to one since,
I asked them for a blow dry and they gave me a blue rinse.
All: They gave me a blue rinse!


The Halloween Hoedown

(Episode 7.01)

Clive: Some reason families get together.... Halloween. Yeah, people get together for Halloween. Good suggestion. Incest is a little too strong for British viewers. So, the Halloween hoedown. Take it away Greg.
Greg Proops:
I like trick or treatn', I go from door to door.
I ask for candy, ask for sweets, then I ask for more.
Sometimes they give me lots of rocks and bugs,
But I do not care, 'cause I trick or treat on drugs.
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, I'm so glad that Halloween is finally here.
'Cause Halloween's my favourite time of the entire year.
I dress up and give all the kids an awful fright,
I really don't know why, I'm not wearing a mask tonight.
Niall Ashdown:
Last Halloween there were terrible blizzards.
This was caused by a nasty old wizard.
He looked out his window, and cast a fearful spell.
And when I woke up in the morning I did smell.
Ryan Stiles:
Halloween, can be such a special night,
It's a chance you get to run around and scare and fright.
When people open the door, oh boy, do they run.
That's because every year I dress as Clive Anderson.


The Making Cheese Hoedown

(Episode 4.13)

Clive: Making cheese. There was a cry of masturbation, but I think you're on your own on that one... Let's do making cheese, which sounded fine when it was suggested... So it's the making cheese hoedown. Starting with you, Greg.
Greg: You got it, Clive!
Clive: You sing it, Greg!
Greg: Stand by, fresh funkmeister!
Clive: Get on with it, then. Before my funk gets stale.
Greg Proops:
I used to masturbate a lot, I stopped it if you please,
I found another hobby, I call it making cheese.
I use a tiny goat, sometimes it will curdle,
'Cause when I whip skim milk, I've got to put the goat in a girdle.
Colin Mochrie:
I have a little cheese shop, I sell all kinds of cheese,
Just come in with money, and I'll take it if you please.
I sell from all kinds of nations, from here and from there,
From here and there and there and here... I used to masturbate!
Ryan Stiles:
I like to eat cheese, with my best friend,
Eatin', eatin', eatin', till the very end.
I like to eat with my friend, don't you know he's Sam,
After I'm done with cheese, I like to Edam! (eat 'im)
Brad Sherwood:
I've got a billion cheeses, all around my house, (Ryan: Bom bom bom!)
To entice my lover, which is a brown Field Mouse. (Ryan: Bom bom bom!)
She is so darn happy, 'cause she is in love with me,
When we make love, we make love in lots of warm runny bree.
All: Lots of warm runny bree!


The Marital Problems Hoedown

(Episode 9.04)

Josie Lawrence:
Yee-hah!
I've been having problems, with me and my feller,
So we went to see a marriage counsellor.
Her name was Helen, she was very nice,
Now I live with her instead, and my life is full of spice.
Stephen Fry:
(points to Richard) He's good, isn't he?
Clive: Yeah.
Stephen: (speaks, way out of time with the music)
Music and sex are very similar to me, I just can't make them.
Ah, whenever I do, or whenever I try to do, I find the best way is to fake them.
I've been to that Anne Somers shop, I've been in every branch,
The only way I can really get it off is with Richard Vranch.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm a great blue whale and I live under sea,
I'm having problems with my wife, and me.
She always talks about old boyfriends, it really makes me sick,
Well how the hell can I compare to a guy named Moby Dick?
Ryan Stiles:
I live in the U.S., married a girl from the south,
She's always screaming got a really big old mouth.
She comes out a-swinging, a-screamin' and a-fussin',
I guess that's what you get when you marry your sister's brother's cousin.
All: Your sister's brother's cousin!


The Motorcycling Hoedown

(Episode 4.12)

Greg Proops:
(wobbles lips)
I love to ride my Harley, I ride it day and night,
I drive it through the neighbourhood to give the kids a fright.
It may seem kinda stupid, it may seem kinda fun,
But they always freak out when I dress up like a nun.
Ron West:
I like to ride my Harley, I like to ride it fast,
I get my bitch on the back of me, and I slap her ass.
Sometimes we go fast, we hit our jaws,
I don't give a good damn about the helmet laws.
Ryan Stiles:
I like to ride my bike now, I think it's really slick,
And it's the best way to pick up a chick.
She gets on and waves and says all her bye byes,
There's nothing like hot metal between her thighs.
Brad Sherwood:
Well, Harley Davidson's an awesome machine,
Driving Kawasakis is for just a two-bit queen.
I love to go riding round, so manly in the dirt,
And sometimes on the weekends I wear panties and a skirt.
All: Panties and a skirt!


The Motorways Hoedown

(Episode 5.04)

Greg Proops:
When I came to England, I met a man,
He was shining bald, his name was Clive Ander-san.
There was some confusion, I said "Where's the freeway?"
He said "No, you silly twat, it's called a motorway!"
Colin Mochrie:
I use the motorway, each and every day.
It really turns a lot like work, it really is not play.
I got hit badly, and why do you suppose?
I got rear ended by a guy picking his nose.
Ryan Stiles:
(makes sign of the cross on chest)
Driving home from work can be lots of fun.
Driving down the highway, when your work is done.
I love to watch the bugs as they splat against my glass,
The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass!
Tony Slattery:
I like the sound of motorways, when things go splat,
I look out my car window and I've run over a cat.
But the thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life,
Is the stupid bastard who designed the M 25.


The Pony Trekking Hoedown

(Episode 6.07)

Josie Lawrence:
Yeehah!
Well, love is nothing but baloney.
I'd rather be with my little pony.
Trekking up the hillside, trekking down the course,
I love my pony, I also love my horse.
Rory Bremner:
I like pony trekking on the holiday programme,
I like drawing pictures of where I go, and even diagrams.
I like going on ponies, and bashing them with bricks,
It doesn't really hurt me but it makes them go much faster...
Mike McShane:
Yeah, Pony roundup in the summertime!
Pony roundup in the summertime!
I take 'em left and right on path, and then I take 'em to the osteopath,
Pony roundup in the summertime!
Tony Slattery:
I like to go a trekking in the country on my pony,
I'm very friendly with the critter, I say "Hello, I'm Tony",
Then, oh look out there's something nasty in the way,
It's not a pony dumpy, it is Mr Anderson's toupee.


The Presidential Ethics Hoedown

(Episode 10.11) - Win Meyerson at the piano.

Greg Proops:
I'm independent counsel, my name is Kenneth Starr,
I hunt for suspects everywhere, both near and so far.
I hunt for secretaries, and the President's wife,
The reason that I do all this is I have no life!
Phil LaMarr:
Well there's plenty of reasons to be Commander in Chief,
To help the people, and give social relief,
To do something, that might help the world,
Or of course you could just do it to get the girls!
Colin Mochrie:
What the hell's going on, the country's gone to pot.
The President's having lots of sex, while I am not.
I think it's really horrible, it's really quite a sin,
Why don't we hire a celibate, like Wilt Chamberlain?
Ryan Stiles:
I think we have the best President that I've ever seen,
The way his sexy voice sounds, I think he's really keen.
A lot of people think he's a crook, they think something's amiss,
'Course what the hell do I know, I'm just a stewardess!
All: I'm just a stewardess!


The Puberty Hoedown

(Episode 7.10)

Steve Frost:
When I was a young man, I went to my friend's house for tea,
Well he was growing up too fast, he was going through puberty.
He had hairs on his top lip, and underneath his arms.
His mother came in and caught us kissing, and ... joined in.
Josie Lawrence:
Ooo-oh, I hate puberty.
All my things are stickin' out and I have got acne.
Oh, oh, oh, I do not want to grow.
So as this is a hoedown, I'll just do-si-do.
Colin Mochrie:
I like going grey, I really, really do.
I really, really, really, really, please don't misconstrue.
To you, maybe, it's a source of consternation,
But I'm quite happy with my hair pigmentation.
Ryan Stiles:
Things are startin' to happen in me, way below my belt.
It's the strangest thing that I have ever felt.
I turn out the lights, and I play with my crotch,
Every night when I watch all the girls on Baywatch.


The Reading of the Will Hoedown

(Episode 7.03)

Steve Frost:
When my father passed away, we had to read the will.
I didn't turn up, because I was feeling ill.
I got a letter in the post, it said I had 3 million quid,
So I went out and bought a horse and this is what I did:
Yee-hah!
Colin Mochrie:
The other day I went to my dad's funeral.
He crossed himself with an elephant, it didn't go too well.
The elephant was willing, my daddy he said ouch.
It took me twenty-seven days to scrape him off the couch.
Ryan Stiles:
My brother passed away last week, I guess that's kind of sad.
Because he is the best brother that I have ever had.
But he will always be with me, because we made a pact:
I'll put my hand right up him, and start a ventriloquist act.
Tony Slattery:
My mother died the other day, I hit her with a cosh.
I hoped that in the will, she would leave me lots of dosh.
But when I read the will I found out that I was not rich.
She just left me her knickers, what a stupid bitch!


The Riding a Donkey Hoedown

(Episode 6.01)

Steve Frost:
I was riding my donkey, up a stony pass.
I fell off, onto the grass.
I saw a man and he helped me back on,
That's why I sing this song.
Colin Mochrie:
I like to ride my donkey, I ride him all day long.
He is very very very very very strong.
(smiles through the rest of the music)
Ryan Stiles:
I am a donkey, I love to haul the goods.
I think that's the way, every donkey shoulds.
As I am hauling, never without fail,
Someone comes and pokes a pin right in my tail.
Tony Slattery:
(big giggle)
I love my fluffy donkey, I like to call him Clive.
I dress him up in panties, he's the best animal alive.
I like to dress him up, in lots of frilly clothes,
And the two of us begin to star in certain videos.


The Scuba Diving Western Hoedown

(Episode 3.15)

Greg Proops:
Out on the prairie it's real dry, we don't know why,
We wait for it to rain and so we can take a dive.
We put on our masks, we put on our tanks and dive right into the dirt,
And then we hit our heads on a rock, damn it really hurts.
George McGrath:
I like to put on real tight clothes and then go underwater,
But every time I get there, I wonder if I oughta.
'Cause there I see lots of things, they're swimming swimming fish,
And they make me talk like this (gurgling).
Ryan Stiles:
I love all the fishies, all the sharkies too,
When I see one comes towards me, I swim like you.
Out of all the friends down there, hey, don't you know,
There's a friend of mine! The very popular Jacques Cousteau.
Mike McShane:
Okay, have some fruity George Balanchine cowboy dancing! (Everyone dances around)
I, I'm a scuba diving boy.
I dive for pearls and I pick 'em up like toys.
And when I'm deep then I really got no cares.
Until I'm turning blue 'cause I've got no air.
Ryan:He's got no air, he's got no air, (Greg & George: He's got no air!)
Ryan: Now he has got no air.
All: He ain't got no air!


The Scuba Diving Hoedown

(Episode 6.11)

Clive: You've assembled yourself in the correct order for this particular game...
Greg: Yes we have, Mr Anderson...
Mike: And darn keen to do it, sir!
Clive: So, let's do a hoedown about a holiday, a nice adventurous holiday. Anybody got a suggestion for a jolly..
(audience suggests)
Clive: What? Scuba diving! You've had some great suggestions tonight. Most of them have been cut out for being too filthy. But scuba diving, scuba diving seems fair enough. So, scuba diving, snorkelling, general water sports, take it away Greg.

Mike: Yeehah!
Greg Proops:
I dance underwater, I do a coral jig.
I live there with my friend, a tiny inflatable pig.
Wearing a rubber suit, that is my fervent wish.
I scuba dive all day long, so I can have sex with fish.
Mike McShane:
3 feet under, I'm in the water here.
I've got my mask on, I'm feeling good oh dear.
I'm nuzzlin' up to fishes, I'm all the deep blue sea.
I can't have nothing, that Jacques Cousteau you see.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm not very good at swimming, I hope that I don't drown.
And if I do I hope that sooner or later my body's found.
I think I'm going there now, my vision's going soft.
Where the hell when you need him, is David Hasselhoff?
Tony Slattery:
I love my scuba diving kit, my pleasure never ends.
As long as I don't surface quickly, then I get the bends.
I get all my friends, and my uncles and aunties.
And the most important equipment is my waterproof panties.


The Sex Hoedown

(Episode 6.09)

Clive: Can somebody suggest one of the pleasures in life this hoedown could be about? Sex! Oh, what the hell, let's do sex. We've plumbed the depth already tonight. So... so, sex, the sex hoedown. Take it away Greg... and we're ending up with Tony!
Greg Proops:
Oh I'm a randy bugger, I really get around,
I like to have a shag, with everyone in town.
I have lots of fun, I'm as happy as can be,
And that's 'cause my name is Tony Slattery.
Colin Mochrie:
I love making love, I do it every day,
My girlfriend's a contortionist, we do it every way.
It's really quite remarkable the ways that she can bend.
She also is a psychic. She foresaw her own end.
Ryan Stiles:
Livin' in the country, there's really not much to do,
I love to grab anything, and have a real good screw,
I guess it's really bad, I guess it's kinda sad,
But my girlfriend looks at me and says, "Hey, you're not baaaad"!
Tony Slattery:
I'm a little kinky, my panties are made of fur,
I like to stay in evenings, just me and my cucumber.
And then I pull my pants down, and start to paint my tush,
And dress up in leather, and squat on Barbara Bush.
All: Squat on Barbara Bush!
Clive: Well, I think if we're still on the air, I think it's time to stop...


The Sex Change Hoedown

(Episode 4.10)

Sam Johnson:
Yeehah! Woohoo!
When I first did meet you, I wanted to give you a whirl,
Too bad that you were not a girl.
Now that all has changed, and I thank my lucky stars,
That you went to Denmark.
Yeehah!
Jane Brucker:
I tell you one thing, I think is kinda hip,
Now that I'm a guy, I never wax my lip.
Ever since I took my brand new testosterone,
I've discovered that I've got myself a brand new bone.
Ryan Stiles:
My friends no longer know me, they think that things have changed,
All of my parts have been rearranged.
They don't know me any longer as Billy,
Since they cut off my willy.
Chip Esten:
I have a little boy, you know his name is Tom.
I was his daddy, but now I am his mom.
I was a tough one, as tough as old Charles Bronson,
Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson.


The Smelly Feet & Bad Breath Hoedown

(Episode 8.03)

Josie Lawrence:
I know something that works just a treat.
It got rid of my smelly feet.
I washed 'em with my mouth, and they smelled just like roses,
Unfortunately though it's given me halitosis.
Caroline Quentin:
The other day I started feelin' quite weezy.
Suddenly I felt my boyfriend's feet were cheesy.
So I looked down at his little toes,
And I took a hammer and I put it up his nose.
Colin Mochrie:
My breath really smells bad, my feet have a pong.
I really smell bad, it is all wrong.
It's horrible, it's horrible, and there is quite a link.
Because of my feet stinking, seven species are extinct.
Ryan Stiles:
What's that that smells so bad, a'lying on the beach?
It's those smelly feet, and they're within reach.
I will take a big night off, and cut 'em out just for a lark.
Throw 'em in the water, they're food for a shark.


The Space Travel Hoedown

(Episode 9.07)

Greg Proops:
Oh I'm a tiny martian, I'm green and full of mirth,
I have one mission only, to dominate the Earth.
I'll give you a new leader, and he won't take no jive,
He's got no neck, his hair is bald, and his name is Clive.
George Wendt:
We got a problem Houston, I don't have the right stuff,
I'm going to space now, to look for stuff... that they make fluff out of...
Dance break!
Colin Mochrie:
My wife and I are astronauts, and we need information,
We've been made to have some sex upon the old space station.
We did it and, wouldn't you know, we got into a bad fight,
Hey, is it my fault that I'm faster than the speed of light?
Ryan Stiles:
I fly around space, all around the clock,
It's my job, 'cause my name is Dr Spock.
Sometimes I get bored on a 3 year tour,
But I make it easier, by sleeping with O'Hura.
All: Sleeping with O'Hura!


The 2nd Space Travel Hoedown

(Episode 9.12)

Greg Proops:
I like doing Hoedowns, especially in space,
I do them with antennas, I do them with lots of grace.
But tonight is really special, and I'll buy all the beers,
'Cause I'm doing a Space Hoedown next to Norm from Cheers.
George Wendt:
We got a problem Houston, I don't have the right stuff,
I'm going to space now, to look for stuff... that they make fluff out of...
Dance break!
Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut, my last trip was a pip,
I was captured by some aliens and put upon their ship.
They put me in the corner then they made me disrobe,
Let me tell ya nothing hurts more than a martian probe.
Ryan Stiles:
It's just me and another guy, floating around space,
Just to break the boredom, sometimes he wears lace.
Houston knows about it but they never make a fuss,
Unless they catch me circlin', around his Uranus.
All: Around his Uranus!


The Stone Carving Western Hoedown

(Episode 3.10)

Jim Meskimen:
If other hobbies leave you in the lurch,
You can always break out your chisel, and carve yourself a perch.
That's right, you can carve a marble or a granite,
Just go ahead and have at it.
Christopher Smith:
You may spend a couple of hours cleaning off the sediment,
From that age-old fallen pediment.
But once you have done it you will notice with ease,
That it's one of them Grecian frieze.
Ryan Stiles:
Well you know, carving is lots of fun.
It's cheaper to buy rocks by the ton.
I like it when I'm carving when I'm alone,
But I find it's a lot easier when I'm stoned.
Josie Lawrence:
Everybody chisel your marble, chisel with ease.
Chisel your marble please.
Chisel your marble, chisel it right down,
When you're sculpting you won't wear, you won't wear a frown.
Chisel your marble, thats all I can say. (Ryan, Jim & Christopher: (in background) Chisel your marble! Chisel your marble!...)
Hit the stone and hit it every day.
You can make most everything you want,
Chisel your marble, chisel it right down.


The Taking Exams Hoedown

(Episode 5.01)

Greg Proops:
Oh I went to college, I wasn't very smart,
I throw my hands up, giving up, at the very start.
Every test I take, you know, the test it would I fail,
But it doesn't matter 'cause I am Dan Quayle.
Colin Mochrie:
I had to take an exam, I studied very hard.
I thought up very, very, hard and put things on a card.
I studied, studied, tried, tried, tried all my best,
And then I went and realised... it was a urine test!
Ryan Stiles:
Oh I love exams, they are so much fun,
I love to take the paper, and sit down on my bum.
Oh I am very smart, oh it might sound kinda silly,
But I pass every test 'cause I write notes right there on my willy.
Tony Slattery:
I hate examinations, it fills me with such fear,
I get the collywobbles, and lots of diarrhoea.
So if you are a student, don't care about the pain,
Get through your exams by taking lots of cocaine.
All: Taking lots of cocaine!


The Tight Trousers Hoedown

(Episode 9.03)

(NB: Audience suggestions, for things that make them angry, included 'pasta')
Mike McShane:
I'm a western boy, I like my pants real tight,
I like 'em long and lean and fittin' just right.
When I slip 'em on, they feel so nice and cool-ee,
Especially when they mix me up and I press 'em against my goolies.
Brad Sherwood:
I think pasta is religious, in fact I think it's holy,
I cover myself in marinara, and pads of ravioli.
I sometimes clean al dente, with using it like floss,
And sometimes I start in my pants, to make the special sauce.
(falls back onto the step with disbelief at what he's said)
Colin Mochrie:
I love wearing pants that are very, very tight,
I wear them in the day, and I wear them in the night.
Sure, sometimes it just cuts off my circulation,
But I don't... (collapses)
Ryan Stiles:
When I go out clubbin', my pants are mighty tight,
Sometimes it gets me in many, many fights.
Everybody looks at me, they go "you son of a gun!",
But I'm not actually wearing any, they're just painted on.
All: They're just painted on!


The Vasectomy Surgeon Hoedown

(Episode 6.03)

Steve Frost:
Well I went to my doctor's, and he said to me,
What you need is a vasectomy.
Gotta cut your balls off, and put 'em in a jar,
And then he took his hat off and went ha ha ha ha ha.
Colin Mochrie:
I fight fires in Germany, they really are the worst,
I now will do German in my next verse.
Ich lieber dik gushdik, der matchen il exploden,
Uger dat jumpin jumpin ulder trampolinin!
Ryan Stiles:
Some people think it's a really lousy job,
But I love the fact, workin' round somebody's knob.
Everybody thinks that it's a job that really stinks,
But I save up all the spare parts and I make up cuff links.
Tony Slattery:
The doctor went to work that day, he started right down there.
He snipped around my tezzies and around my pubic hair.
And for that job I'm very grateful, yes I do give thanks,
'Cause now every time I make love, I'm always shooting blanks.


The Weddings Hoedown

(Episode 9.05)

Steve Frost:
My brother got married, his name is Grommit,
And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.
The vicar cleared it up, and put it under the cake,
And at the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... da... brake...
Greg: Is that it then?
Steve: That's it.
Greg Proops:
I believe in marriage, I think it is a treat,
And on the day I married, I looked so very neat.
But a couple of years later, I began to cry,
It made me totally sick because my name is Lady Di.
Colin Mochrie:
I hate weddings, they make me really sick,
Just looking at them, makes me go "Ick, Ick".
I really really hate them, I hate them all the time,
You know what I hate most of all, Greg just took my rhyme!
Ryan Stiles:
I make the wedding dresses, in my special way,
I make them for those pretty girls, on their special day.
But sometimes I get angry and I make such a fuss,
When I lift up the dress and find the bride's got a penis.
All: Bride's got a penis.


The Winning the Lottery Hoedown

(Episode 9.17)

Greg Proops:
Oh I love the lottery, it makes me so excited,
And if I were to win it, I'm sure I'd be delighted.
But every time I go to the shop it is just a drag,
I see the shop keeper and I have to give him a shag.
Rory Bremner:
I just won the lottery, my lucky number's six,
Having won the lottery I'm going to pick up loads of chicks,
I'm gonna take 'em out and take 'em for a dining and then I'll have fun with them all,
Can't wait to see the smile on their face when they see my bonus ball.
Colin Mochrie:
If I won the lottery, I'd be one happy clown,
'Cause then I would hire someone to do this Hoedown.
So if I what I say, isn't funny and you're vexed,
Don't worry 'cause Ryan's coming up with funny, he's next.
Ryan Stiles:
I hope to win the lottery, with a lot of luck,
Boy would I go crazy, I'd probably even (cough)
I wouldn't change at all, I'd keep my same old life,
Sure I'd go to the whore house, and maybe kick out my wife.
All: Maybe kick out my wife.


The Women Hoedown

(Episode 8.09)

Steve Frost:
I'm scared of spiders, and animals too.
So I really freak out, when I'm at the zoo.
But the thing that scared me most of all, and occasionally now and then,
Are those great big tall long leggy things, they call women.
Niall Ashdown:
I first made love to a girl called Sheila.
When we made love she proved to be a bit of a squealer.
But I was scared, but there isn't anything finer,
Than to see her, 'cause she's from Asia Minor.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm afraid of women, especially at night.
They always come towards me, they give me such a fright.
They're leathery and small and their wings get in my hair.
Oh wait a minute, it's not women, it's vampire bats I ... oh...
Ryan Stiles:
My girlfriend's kinda special, she's one of a kind.
Down in Soho, is where I did find.
When I put my mouth on her, she really starts to blubber.
I guess that's what you get from a girl made of rubber.
All: Girl made of rubber!


The World Leaders Hoedown

(Episode 9.01)

Greg Proops:
Hi, ich bien ein German, my name is Helmut Kohl,
And you know kids I really, really like to rock and roll.
I like to go to America, it's where I get my kicks,
'Cause President Clinton knows all the easy chicks.
Rory Bremner:
Welcome to 'World Leaders', my name is David Frost.
I bring you world leaders, no matter what the cost.
(as Clinton): I'm a sort of world leader, I'm a pleasant kind of a feller.
(as Mandella): But I'm an even nicer bloke, my name's Nelson Mandella.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm a world leader, I hate democracy,
Because, you know, I'm a dictator, you see.
I'm going to make people march, to and fro and back,
The best thing about being a dictator is, I look good in black.
Ryan Stiles:
Once I ruled Israel, with an iron hand,
I was the best leader, in all of the land.
Sure, I was rich, but no-one lived in fear,
I've got silver in my pocket, and gold in my ear.
All: Gold in my ear!


The Worst Nightmares Hoedown

(Episode 9.10)

Steve Frost:
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time,
I have this weird dream, I'm covered in lime.
And a giant licks me, really really hard,
And by the time he's finished, I've turned to a lump of... lard.
Brad Sherwood:
I have lots of nightmares, and I try to be brave,
I'm covered in vaseline with my mum in a cave.
Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance,
And in there in my bed, is Colin in my pants.
Colin Mochrie:
Every night I go to sleep, I go to sleep each night,
And when I have a horrible dream it gives me quite a fright.
I'm at a carnival and a big cotton candy I've won,
I eat it, eat it, when I wake up I find my pillow's gone.
Ryan Stiles:
When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear,
That walking around my room is some sort of cre-cheer. (creature)
(loses it) ... Can we start over?
When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark,
Then one night I turned on the lights just for a lark.
Argh! Right before me is a really ug-ly cre-cheer,
Then I real-lise... that I'm looking in the mirr'r.