See also Hoedown (UK)
The Astronaut Hoedown
Ever since I was a little kid, lookin' at the sky that was great,
I wanted to be an astronaut and fly up and stay up late,
But I'm a coward and I know this to my soul,
I don't need to be an astronaut, I'm already an expert in black holes.
I am an astronaut, high in outer space,
Look at me just soaring with a big big smile on my face,
Oh I am so happy, this job is heavent sent,
'Cause I'm up here not on Earth and dealing with the President.
I can't find my space gear, I think it's disappeared,
That is what I hoped, and that is what I feared,
All my stuff is gone, and it really is so heinous,
The only place I haven't looked is right up Uranus.
Brad: That was my line!
Ryan: Oh right. Of course it was!
Brad was gonna say Uranus!
Brad: Yes I was!
This really is difficult, it is such a crime,
I'll come up with a good verse, but Ryan stole my fucking rhyme,
So I'm just gonna stall some time and think of something else,
You all just sit there clapping, playing with yourself.
Aisha: Ah... let's try it one more time. Ryan and Brad, take it away.
I'm up with a girl in space, oh man is she a cutie,
I'm so happy she is here, she is such a beauty.
I'm so happy, so happy that they sent me,
We've had sex once and I'm ready for re-entry.
Brad: Oh come on!
(walks off set then across the back with his middle fingers in the air)
Are you kidding me?!!
Ryan: (points to Wayne & Colin) You want us to do three more?
I've traveled through the galaxy, and orbited our globe,
I was abducted by aliens and felt a painful probe.
Sometimes it's hard to be an astronaut but at least I am employed,
Though truly sometimes that probe is a pain in the asteroid.
All: A pain in the asteroid!
Aisha: Well... you know, it was hard to assign points for that 'cause everything was so great.
Aisha: Um... so I won't.
Brad: I'm like.... he'll never use re-entry!
Aisha: Great minds, my friend, great minds.
Ryan: It was either that or I was gonna lose my erection and say "Houston, we have a problem", but I didn't know which way to go with.
The Bachelor Party Hoedown
I went up to Drew's house, because he's gettin' married,
He's going to be married to the girl that'll be Mrs Drew Carey,
He said there'd be a stripper and there was and it was scary,
'Cause when the stripper came out, it was Drew Carey.
At a bachelor party, we took off our clothes,
It was pretty wild, heaven knows,
I was embarrassed when I went to tip her,
Turns out my mother, was the stripper.
I went to a bachelors party, I really had a ball,
Boy I consumed an awful lot of alcohol,
In fact it was really bad, in fact it spelled my doom,
'Cause when I awoke I found I'd married the groom.
My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk,
We stripped right down all night long, got really drunk,
Dancing with my naked friends, boy, that's the life,
As a matter of fact, to hell with my wife.
All: To hell with my wife!
The Baseball Hoedown
When it comes to baseball, I'll be honest it's a sport I don't like,
So the fact that I'm doing this hoedown itself is my third strike,
I'm just figure it out, because as you can see,
I went from a rookie to a hoedown MVP.
I envy baseball players, they get a lot of dough,
For hitting and some bunting and then running in slo-mo,
It isn't that hard, in fact it really isn't tough,
I'd like to see 'em do a hoedown, I ain't gettin' paid enough.
Wayne: (on the rhythm) I ain't gettin' paid enough, I like it!
I am on a mixed team, it's both girls and guys,
We run around the field and shed pop flies.
There is one girl, the prettiest that I've found,
I hope that next week I'll be pitching on her mound.
I'm a baseball player, this girl has a pretty face,
I took her back to my place trying to get to second base,
But when we got naked, oh how we both cried,
I've done so much steroids my junk has shrivelled up and died.
All: Shrivelled up and died!
The Bad Neighbor Hoedown
Who knew that when I moved into my house,
My new neighbor would be such a louse?
He's just like Jar Jar Binks 'cause he is always rude,
Peeking in my window when I'm break dancing nude.
I once had a neighbor living there was really hard,
I used to find legs and arms buried in my yard,
My husband said, "Honey, you really should be calmer!",
But I said, "It's your fault when we moved next to Jeffrey Dahmer".
Parties with drunks and naked girls are happening next door,
There is an awful racket, it's shaking up my floor.
They'res in and out and things are happening, I know I shouldn't grouse,
But boy I hate living next to the White House.
I really hate the guy who lives next door to me,
I wish he would move real far or so I couldn't see,
People running naked, it's really really scary,
But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey.
All: Next door to Drew Carey.
The Beach Hoedown
Let me tell you something, just listen to my song,
I was on the beach I got something caught in my thong,
The pain was immense, I thought that I would hurl,
A little piece of sand got trapped. Uhhh! I made a pearl!
Oh I went on vacation, and it was grand,
I got lots of sleep, and I got really tanned,
Now I'm back to work, don't wanna sound like a leech,
But man doin these hoedowns, really is a beach.
I vacationed at the beach, I really had to frown,
I was splashing in the water and I started to drown,
Water went into my lungs, I spluttered and I cough,
Next thing I woke up having mouth to mouth with David Hasselhoff.
I went to the beach and boy was the water cold,
I got in anyway because I was bold,
When I jumped in, it was colder than I feared.
That's the day that my penis disappeared.
All: My penis disappeared!
The Birth Hoedown
Thank goodness for my mom, that I was made,
It was 27 years ago that my dad got .... (censored: laid)
That's right, you see upon closer inspection,
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection!
When a woman gives birth, her man is filled with pride,
All through the delivery, he stands right by her side.
But 9 times out of 10, she'll say to him "You jerk!
You got to do the fun part, and now I do all the work!"
Ellen is my wife, the other day she gave birth,
It was the most beautiful thing on this God's earth,
When I saw her do it, I said "Oh my God dear Ellen,
Looking from this angle looks like a straw passing a melon!"
I came out of my mother at exactly 10 to 5,
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled "It's alive!"
I can't really blame them, I guess it was kind of scary,
Everyone tells me I resemble Drew Carey!
All: Resemble Drew Carey!
The Blind Dates Hoedown
So there I am, I got a message in a bottle,
I've won a free date with a tall supermodel.
She was about six foot five, but the date was really lame,
I didn't have a good time 'cause we played The Crying Game.
I used to hate blind dates, they never did work out,
They'd give me a kiss on the cheek and then they'd throw me out,
Nowadays my blind dates go off without a hitch,
I know I'm not good looking, but I'm really really rich.
I had a blind date, it really was the pits,
Nothing worked all night, I kept getting hit,
She really was abusive, man oh man oh man,
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?
I had a blind date, just the other night,
The type of girl that really shouldn't be in the light,
She wasn't really attractive, she was kind of bland,
But she still beat the hell out of using my right ####! (censored: hand)
All: Using my right hand!
The Butcher Hoedown
I used to be a butcher, a master of the cut,
But I was so distracted by my wife's beautiful butt.
She sauntered in, she said "Hi" with her kisses,
And I was so distracted, slice, now I'm the Mrs.
Come here pretty lady, right here and have a seat,
My occupation is the one in charge of cutting meat.
I am a player, and the girls think I'm a baller,
But please don't cut my meat because it can't get any smaller.
I am a butcher, I work in outer space,
I serve my meats to every different kind of alien race,
I am famous throughout the world, yes yes that's true,
You may know my motto, "May The Pork Be With You".
You're a beautiful woman, can I help you ma'am?
May I suggest the pork roast, or maybe even ham?
Oh I've got everything, try some of my meat,
My meatballs are gigantic and my sausage is real sweet.
All: My sausage is real sweet!
The Cable Company Hoedown
I had to wait for cable installation the whole day,
It really made me mad that for TV I must pay,
So when he came to the door, what did he see,
I was wearing a negligee and I got cable for free.
Oh you might think it's risky, for a guy like me,
To be making fun of the cable company.
"Won't that cost you lots of money?"
NO! 'Cause I'm not on cable, I'm on ABC!
With my new cable I have a lot of choice,
Some of it makes me happy, some of it makes me moist.
Gee it's a lot of fun, I'm happy as a mouse,
Now all day I can see "Full House".
I really hate my cable guy, he makes me wait all day,
There is one guy that I really don't want to pay.
Then one sunny day I really got my wish,
I murdered my cable guy, and then I got a dish.
All: Then I got a dish!
The Car Salesmen Hoedown
Yee-hah! Tulsa, Oklahoma, sa-lute!
I went down to my dealership, I tried to buy a car,
He tried to sell a lemon, but he didn't get too far,
I found a lot of steals, and I found a lot of deals,
And then I bought a Pinto but it didn't have no wheels.
Well I wanted a Chevy, but I didn't want to get bored,
And then I thought maybe a Mercury, maybe I'll get me a Ford.
But when it came down to it, I didn't make a fuss,
'Cause I didn't have any money anyway, so I just take the bus.
I met a car salesman, he didn't have no ethics,
And I believed his every lie, it really was pathetic.
He did horrible things that no good man every should,
I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood.
Oh boy those German cars, do they cost big bucks!
I look at the price tag, and I am full of yucks,
Oh those Porsches, more expensive than the others,
Unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers.
All: Free from Warner Brothers!
(Episode 13.00) - Bloopers (Ryan's Melissa obsession)
The Censorship Hoedown
I hate it when they cut it, boy they're such a snob,
But I guess in a way, that is just their job.
They sit backstage and they act all snooty,
But I hope they don't cut Melissa's nice tight booty.
All: Melissa's nice tight booty!
The Children Hoedown
Just the other day, my husband said to me,
"Darling, why don't we start a family?",
What a silly notion, what a silly whim,
Why do I need children when I've already got him?
I don't pay alimony, I don't pay child support,
I don't pay nothing of no kind of that sort,
I get to keep all the money that I'm paid,
How can you have any children if you never ever get ####! (censored: laid)
My wife always bugged me to start a family,
But I had a real low sperm count, so it was hard you see,
So we did something that I think was really bold,
We adopted triplets, they're girls and eighteen years old.
The wife and I just had a kid again,
I guess this brings the grand total, I think it is ten,
How we had another, I just can't see,
Since two years ago I had a vasectomy.
The Christmas Hoedown
I look forward to Christmas, each and every day,
But this year I got no presents and I don't know what to say,
I guess that old Santa Claus was nothing but a liar,
And there was a funny smell when I lit the fire.
Christmas is a holiday that I really hate,
There's nothing about it to which I can relate,
So every December 25th, I kick off my shoes,
And go down to the deli, and hang out with the Jews.
Up in the North Pole, the elves all went on strike,
Santa didn't care, he said "Go on, take a hike."
Things were horrible that Christmas, it all just turned to poo,
As Shakespeare said, remember, "To thine own elf, be true."
I love when Santa goes delivers all the toys,
I love to see the smiles on all the girls and boys,
It really is a holiday, a time to pause,
Every Christmas Eve you'll find me ####### ### ######. (censored: "porking Mrs Claus")
The Commercials Hoedown
I'm in advertising, you know my name is Rick,
And I am really groovy, 'cause I am not a ... brick.
I sit and sell you stuff, stuff that you don't need,
Because I have one motivation, and that's massive greed.
Why don't you buy that stuff, you baby boomer?
I know you've got lots of cash, you are a big consumer,
Man oh man, everything from cars to fast foods I sell,
My biggest slogan, Yo Quiero Taco Bell.
I hate commercials, what a waste of time,
They take up all the program, it really is a crime.
They seem to waste all the time, in my precious life,
Thank God there's sixty seconds, then I can make love to my wife.
I buy lots of products, when I'm at home alone,
It's really really easy, you order them by phone.
Not to order these things is really kind of hard,
But I never worry too much, I use Colin's credit card.
All: Colin's credit card!
(Episode 12.12 and 13.00 (Ryan's verse only))
The Cop Shows Hoedown
Boy oh listen, nothing amuses me,
Than sitting at home and watching reality TV,
Now that show COPS, I think that it's the bomb,
Until I turned it on and said "Damn, that's my mom!"
I love me a cop show, of that you can be sure,
Until one night I'm watching, and they bust down my door,
They bring inside a deputy, they bring inside a jailer,
And then they confiscated everything inside my trailer.
I saw a cop show, it really made me mad,
It was so horrible, the writing it was sad,
More I watched it, the more it was the pits,
It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada, it was called Fish and Chips.
Oh boy those cop shows, they give me such a fright,
And it seems like they are on every single night,
Sure you can watch them if you really want a scare,
Thursdays at 8 you can see Melissa's underwear.
All: Melissa's underwear!
The Cowboy Hoedown
I am a cowboy, I've got a rope of course,
Spats, spurs, look at me and I'm ridin' on the horse,
Nuttin' wrong with being a cowboy, of youth it's a fountain,
And when I'm finished drinkin' here, I'm gonna ride up Brokeback Mountain.
I am a cowboy, I ride in one direction,
And the more I ride the bigger my erection.
Everybody stands and goes, all the folks,
"Look at him go, he's a mighty cowpoke."
Well I'm not good on a horse, I shouldn't be alone,
I have to admit I'm pretty accident-prone,
Oh one day I was ridin', thought I might just erupt,
Turns out my penis was caught in my stirrup.
'Cos it's so long!
Well I'm the biggest cowboy, I'm super big and strong, (Ryan: You're huge!)
And all the ladies know that my rope is extra long, (Ryan: Hello!)
I had a reduction and the surgery went great,
I was The Dirty Dozen now I'm just The Hateful Eight.
All: Just the Hateful Eight!
The Doctor Hoedown
I wanna be a doctor, it's a good profession,
Goin' to medical school, I don't want to learn all them lessons.
See, I'm more of the guy, and I'll tell you,
Screw all that blood and viscera, I wanna be Doctor Who.
I am a doctor, yes, yessirree,
I make a lot of money looking at people's pee.
Yes it is so beautiful, some may think it's funny,
When I see my patient, I go "Urine - the money!"
Well I am a doctor, and I am no fool,
I went to all six months of medical school,
You can see me, that's right, I'll say "yowser yowser",
Hey look it's a double dose of Doogie Howser.
Oh I go to the doctor, two or three times a week,
It's his doctor knowledge, his knowledge that I seek,
Maybe I'm just a guy who likes to get out of a rut,
I always feel better when he puts his finger up my butt.
All: Finger up my butt!
The Drinking Hoedown
I can't find my car keys, 'cause I'm so full of booze,
I smell just like vodka, I just threw up on my shoes,
I don't even know where I've put my pants,
So I'm just going to wear a lampshade, and run around and dance.
Well making up songs in a hoedown puts me to the test,
And to tell you really frankly, I'm not at my best,
I'd do better, I could really think,
But ABC, well, they don't let me drink.
The other day while playing golf I had a lot to drink,
As I reached the first tee, I could barely think,
I hit the ball really hard, the guy is barely alive,
Which just goes to prove, if you drink, don't drive!
I got naked in a bar, I took off all my clothes,
How I ever got that drunk, nobody knows,
I passed out naked on the bar, I only had a sip,
The waitress came to clean up, and I said "Keep the tip".
All: I said "keep the tip"!
The Family Reunions Hoedown
Every family reunion, is such an awful night,
It's my whole family getting in a fight.
Then later on they try and do a dance,
But it's not a family reunion till my uncle drops his pants.
Don't like talking, about my family.
No siree Bob, that's not the subject for me.
But let me ask you a question, tell me Jack,
Am I adopted? 'Cause the rest of my family's black. (hugs Wayne)
A family reunion, about which I'm about to sing,
Strange things are always happening,
I went to see my favorite uncle but he was not there,
He had an operation, now he is my Aunt Claire.
I want to see my relatives, but don't you know it's not right,
Every time we get together all we do is fight.
I want to see my family, but don't you know I can't,
We are from the south and my sister is my aunt.
All: My sister is my aunt!
The Farmer Hoedown
I like being a farmer, I think it is fun,
I know a farmer who has a green thumb,
He can grow anything, trees, weed, even a log,
Who grows the greenest things? Our farmer Snoop Dogg.
I am a farmer, I farm every day,
I've got a little crush on the girl across the way,
I'm really shy I'm not really much of a talker,
I just stare at her from the cornfield, I guess I'm a stalker.
Being a farmer is kind of slim pickings,
That's why I decided to raise a bunch of chickens,
I'm really nice to all of them, I have quite a flock,
I talk nicely to my hens, and I always stroke my cock.
Hey girl I'm a farmer, that's right I'm pretty cool,
Would it be alright if I borrowed your mule?
I'll come over to, your place tonight,
And then I'll grab your ass and plow the field all night!
All: Plow the field all night!
The Fireman Hoedown
Being a fireman is cool, 'cos I get a lot of action,
Just like the Rolling Stones, I get satisfaction,
But I caught something, and now it's persistent,
I'm a fireman, I wish that my drawers were flame-resistant.
Oh I am not a policeman, I'm not an EMT,
I'm simply a fireman, as simple as can be,
And when your house is burnin', I'm the guy you call,
But don't call too late, cos I have no fucking joke here.
So close! (Wayne: Oh my god!)
The house it was afire, they called me on the phone,
I jumped into my wagon, and rode as fast as I cone....
When I was a little boy I knew I wanted to be,
I wanted to put out fires, and save kittens from trees,
And then I grew up so big, and so big and strong,
I'm not just a fireman, I'm a fire-dong! (Wayne: He's a fire-dong!)
I am a fireman, I put out fires all day,
It really makes me happy whether in June or May,
It is really happy, I do it sober or pissed,
I am happy, I'm also an arsonist.
I am a fireman, I love to hang around,
I have a feeling we'll be singin' one more hoedown,
As song, I haven't a rhyme, it's not very sweet,
But at least we're not singin' another song about fuckin' meat!
All: Song about fuckin' meat!
Wayne My cat's in a tree! Call the fire-dong!
Ryan: Call the fire-dong!
Wayne: I've never heard those two words together!
Aisha: You're just like... when all else fails... dick joke! Dick joke! Dick joke!
Wayne: Some people, you know, that's why when people come up to us on the street and say "Oh you guys don't really make that stuff up on Whose Line"... fuck you.
Aisha: Yeah. Seriously. Dying a slow, sad, hoedown-related death.
(Episode 12.06 and 13.00 (Ryan's verse only))
The Gambling Hoedown
Here we go!
You can shut me up, I promise I won't ramble,
I always go to Vegas, if I wanna gamble,
But this time, my reason is a beaut,
I'm gonna go to Vegas to get a prostitute!
Oh if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew,
There's something you should never ever ever ever do,
What's the best advice? The best advice, I guess,
Is if you ever win big, don't tell the IRS!
After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table,
Gee I feel really bad and really quite unstable,
There's nothing worse like sitting there, in your birthday suit,
Never play strip poker at a correctional institute!
I just heard that Vegas just went broke,
Apparently it's because of just one single bloke,
They never thought that they'd ever see this day,
But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!
All: Drew Carey eats buffet!
The Game Show Hosts Hoedown
I watch game shows, I watch them all day long,
I watch all of them, and they have real great theme songs,
But there is something, I understand with my wife,
If they had a game show in south central LA, it'd be called "Run For Your Life".
I hate to tell this story 'cause myself it might embarrass,
But the other night I went with the daughter of Chuck Barris,
When we went to make love, she did something that's wrong,
I took off my pants, and she gave me the gong.
I am a game show host, my life's a game you see,
I fill it all with danger, I'm in Jeopardy.
It really is quite wonderful, I do it with all my might,
I hang out with prostitutes, because the Price is Right.
I'm on a game show competing against a girl,
When I look at her it sends my heart in a whirl.
To beat her at this game, it would be so heinous,
I answered to this question, it must be (BUZZ)!
All: It must be (BUZZ!)
The Getting Your Pizza Late Hoedown
I ordered a pizza, on a movie date,
And then I got so mad, because that damn pizza was late.
By the time it got there, it was frozen and I cry,
I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza guy.
I wanted a pizza, I'm really hungry,
I can't cook much so I order, you see.
When the pizza came it was very cold, the cheese was hard and all,
And the sausage was petrified, I was really mad, oh!
I'm waiting for my pizza, it's been 3 hours now,
I'm getting really angry, just like a British cow,
It really is upsetting, I'm going to really go,
When he gives me my pizza, I won't give him his dough!
My uncle died yesterday, he owned a pizza place,
Lying in the coffin, he looked peaceful with his face.
Cooking pizzas was so fun, and his name was Sid,
When I opened up the coffin he was stuck to the lid.
All: Stuck to the lid!
The Going Bald Hoedown
I am losing my hair, and it really is a pain,
I find out every morning when I see the shower drain,
But if you can see, it isn't quite for me,
But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie!
Oh man! Took my rhyme, man! I was going to do that! Ah...
I have all my hair and I really am quite happy,
I like putting stuff on my hair, it makes me look real snappy,
I love to comb my hair, I never need a breather,
I'm real happy, I'm not Colin Mochrie either!
People always kid me, 'cause I'm losing all my hair,
I can't really help it that I'm follicly impaired!
It really is quite horrible, but my life is not through,
I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew!
Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal,
A lot of women love just the way it feels,
Just think of it as just a little more face,
And you can rent it out as advertising space!
All: As advertising space!
(Episode 12.22 and 13.00 (Ryan's verse only))
The Halloween Hoedown
Everytime it's Halloween, whooo, make room!
Because I have the world's best costume,
If you see me, get a sheet man,
Because I'll pull it over my head and go as the Klu Klux Klan.
Halloween's the only time I get a girl,
That's the only time I really give it a whirl,
Never get anyone pregnant, "How is that?" you ask,
Well it's real easy, I wear a rubber mask.
This Halloween, I thought it would be fair,
If I gave all the kids one real big scare,
It went way too far and now I'm being sued,
This is the last year that I go as a nude.
I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen,
When the children see me, they run away and scream,
When it comes to costume, there is none more scary,
I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey.
All: Go out as Drew Carey!
The IRS Hoedown
Got to pay your taxes, to the government,
Because you know each dollar, is so very well spent.
You have got to pay them, but here's a little switch,
I never pay my taxes, because I am so rich.
You know I hate the IRS, they think that they're so tough,
They said when I paid my taxes, I didn't pay enough,
To check me out they audited my mother and my sis,
So I showed up naked at their door and said, "Hey, audit this!"
I live in Canada, there is no IRS,
I still have to pay taxes, but I'm not that distressed,
I owe eighteen thousand, but please understand,
I'm not that worried cause that's five bucks American.
Singing about the IRS a bell doesn't ring,
You know I'm not very good when I have to sing,
Singing these hoedowns on Whose Line, you know,
But I don't really care, 'cause I'm on another show.
All: I'm on another show!
The Lottery Hoedown
If I had money, here's what I'd do you see,
I'd make it my mission to help celebrities,
I'd even help one guy, who I consider my friend,
I'd spend all of my money to make Michael Jackson black again.
Well if I won the lottery, here's what I would do,
I'd buy a car and maybe a house or two,
But this is what I'm wonderin', and this is what I'm askin',
If you won the lottery why would you waste it on Michael Jackson?
I'm sitting here on my couch watching the TV,
They're picking all the numbers of my favourite lottery,
I am so excited, when fortune calls,
I've never been so happy with someone picking my ##### (censored: "balls")
Winning the lottery would be kinda funny,
Boy I don't know what I'd do with all that money,
A lot of people think that it would be kinda scary,
But I would buy this show and fire Drew Carey.
All: Fire Drew Carey!
The Marriage Hoedown
Well I was married once, and I was married twice,
I was married not a third time, 'cos that would be thrice.
Do I like marriage? Nope not one little bit.
"Why do you ask, Wayne?" Well, because I want to keep my shit.
Marriage is a good time, a good time for me.
I met a lovely lady, but there's more to the story.
It's kind of mean, might stab you like some knives,
Sorry Wayne, I've been with all three of your wives.
(Wayne hugs him)
On my wedding day it was so hard for me to focus,
Because my lovely bride had a case of halitosis.
I hoped that no-one else had noticed this rocky start,
Until the priest said "'Til breath do you part."
I'm marrying a girl, she's a little messy,
At times she reminds me of a very young Joe Pesci,
I'd like to stop it but I don't know what to s.... (cracks up)
Wayne: Of a young.... of a young....
Colin: A young Joe Pesci?!
Wayne: Not just "of Joe Pesci"... "Of a young Joe Pesci!"
Aisha: Young Joe Pesci!
Ryan: I'm marrying a girl, and her name is Rhoda,
At times she reminds me of a very young Abe Vigoda (cracks up)
Colin: Oh God... even Yoda would have been more intriguing...
Wayne: The Google search engine is in overdrive right now.
Ryan: Okay, I'm ready.
Aisha: I believe in you Ryan!
Ryan: I'm getting married next week, don't want to be a grump,
But this girl is a huge fan of Donald Trump.
I'd like to break it off, I don't know what to say,
Maybe she'd believe me if I told her I was gay.
All: Told her I was gay!
Ryan: Joe Pesci... I knew I wasn't going to get past Joe Pesci.
Aisha: So... a thousand points to each of you. I suggest you spend them on alcohol. Especially Ryan.
Ryan: I haven't laughed on the show like that for a long time.
Aisha: Yeah, you have, you've been dead inside.
Ryan: I got myself with that young Joe Pesci, I got myself. And I knew it before I said it, I knew I wasn't going to make it through that.
It wasn't the fact that it was Joe Pesci, it was the fact that it was a young Joe Pesci.
Aisha: Young Joe Pesci!
The Mexican Food Hoedown
I eat Mexican foods, I eat 'em with my amigo.
If we eat together I would say "contigo".
You want these chips? These chips, I got those,
No, no no no, don't touch that. Uh uh. Nachos.
I love fajitas, enchiladas, burritos too, (Wayne: Oof!),
I could eat them all day, yippee-yai yoo-hoo.
As I just eat them, yes I do feel fine,
You know I'm kinda tired, make up your own punchline.
I'm swimming in the pool, I've ate all the food they brought,
I thought it was something, maybe I shouldn't have not,
I ran into the bathroom, and whipped down my speedo,
And right there on the floor I dropped a big huge burrito.
I just got back from good old Mexico.
I sure like those chilis, I eat 'em don't you know.
I like to go down South, and do a Spanish dance,
And after I eat chili I make chili in my pants.
All: Chili in my pants!
The Movie Ushers Hoedown
Now here's a little something, that I have to say,
There is one person who ruins a matinee,
Always trying to stop me, yes I bet,
That movie usher wants to touch my Raisinets.
The other day to the movies, man I had to go.
The music wasn't much and the plot it was so-so.
Don't you think that one day I'd be learnin',
Never go to the movies and do an impression of Pee-Wee Herman.
I went to a movie the other day, I put down all my money,
I got in a fight with the usher, it wasn't funny.
I hit him really hard, he wishes he'd never wasn't born,
And to get his revenge he peed in my popcorn.
I'm at the movie theater every Tuesday without fail.
This time I'm going to see a swashbuckling tale.
I am going to sit in the back row, watch it from afar,
And this pirate movie, it is rated "Arrr".
All: It is rated "Arrr"!
(Episode 23.11 - with Chip as the episode's special guest, and Colin sitting out)
The Pilot Hoedown
You wanna be a pilot, that's a really good job,
But you stay at home and you act just like a slob,
You smoke pot all day, and I just don't know why,
Just because you get high that don't mean that you can fly.
Oh hello I'm your pilot, this news is kinda rough,
I studied hard at flying but I guess just not enough,
We're gonna crash now, we're goin' down for sure,
Cos when I use the bathroom well I locked that cockpit door.
Hey here's another stewardess, and this one's really fine,
I called her up front 'cos I'm gonna to make her mine,
She's the number one, she's the one I pick,
Why don't you wander over here and sit on my joystick?
Well I'm really attracted to the gal in 2C,
All through this flight she's been coming on to me,
We're going to start our landing, I know she is wishin',
That I am locked in the upright position.
All: Upright position / Ryan: I'll be onto that!(?)
(Episode 24.05 - with Chip as the episode's special guest, and Colin sitting out)
The Pilot Hoedown (version 2)
A pilot is a great job, you get to fly,
You kiss gravity and the ground bye-bye,
Chip got a really great job, it made me a believer,
I can't wait 'til CBS gives me a drama, I wouldn't do this shit either.
I love me a pilot, it really is so dear,
I do appreciate the way he flew me here,
I love all you guys, and I do appreciate,
You all look fantastic, and Drew looks freakin' great! (points to Aisha)
Oh I love my stewardess, she's better than the rest,
Oh my god, you should see the size of her breast,
I called her up, oh yeah, she knows where to sit,
Come right over here on my cockpit.
Well my name's Captain Sully, I landed in the water,
I cannot fly a plane, like I know I oughta,
I didn't get no kudos, I didn't get no thanks,
But I don't give a hooey, I'm being played by Tom Hanks.
All: Played by Tom Hanks!
The Plastic Surgeon Hoedown
I moved to Beverly Hills, 'cos they're so good,
I'm gonna get some work done because I'm all Hollywood,
I got this done, this tucked, this nipped, this pushed up imagine that,
Guess how old I am, I'll tell you I'm 93 - what? Black don't crack.
I had plastic surgery, wanted to look my best,
I thought I would have some and my money I'd invest,
My surgeon wasn't thorough in fact he worked very fast,
And now I just walk around with my head up my ass.
Wayne: I get it!
Ryan: I had a variation on that one!
Wayne: Here we go!
I'm turning 31 and gonna give myself a gift,
I'm gonna fork out money and get a little lift,
I just had it done now, everything's in place,
Just one problem now, my dick is on my face.
My girlfriend got a boob job, it turned out pretty good,
They're just a little hard though, they feel like they're made of wood,
But still I get turned on every time her shirt unzips,
The only problem is, I get splinters in my lips.
All: Splinters in my lips!
The Plastic Surgery Hoedown
Here is some news, I heard all over the place,
Michael Jackson had surgery to fix his face,
He didn't think that he looked good, he started sulkin',
I saw him the other day, he looks just like Macauley Culkin.
I know something nice, it isn't so darn nasty,
You could just be a doctor and go giving rhinoplasty,
Michael Jackson had some, it wasn't just his loss,
Instead of one Michael Jackson, now there's two Diana Ross.
The plastic surgery didn't work, I must confess,
My my face is now one big bad mess,
Here's a little hint if any of you go,
Make sure your doctor isn't Doctor Picasso.
I wanted surgery but my doc said no,
I had to force him 'cause I had no place to go,
I had to threaten him with my big old mauser,
Now I look just like a grown-up Doogie Howser.
All: A grown-up Doogie Howser!
The Plumber Hoedown
Shut up Aisha!
She says I'm lazy, and I need to get a job,
She threw the want ads at my head and said "Stop being a slob!",
Woman stop naggin' me, I hate you every little bit,
You know maybe I should be a plumber. Why? Cause I'd take your shit.
I should have been thinking while you were singing... (dances)
There was a recent job, I was called upon,
A guy had dropped a pair in the toilet, in the John.
I... it was easy, I didn't have to prepare,
I just turned the handle 'cause a flush beats a pair.
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll,
I can see your big fat ass is stuck in that bowl.
I'll spread your ass with butter, and pop you like a cork... (cracks up)
(Wayne: I want to see where this is going!)
(Colin: Yeah I want to see where it's going!)
(Wayne: I'll spread your ass... with butter and pop you like a cork!)
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll,
Your big fat ass is stuck right in that bowl.
I'll spread you with butter, I really don't know what to do,
We'll pop you like a cork and then you can have a poo.
(Wayne: I like the butter part, that made me happy)
When your bowels are rumbling you feel like you might explode,
Well you better hurry up and get your ass on the commode.
Dookie, kaka, poopoo, those are the words,
Those are all my favorite synonyms for turds.
All: Synonyms for turds!
The Probation Officer Hoedown
Here's a little fact that I think you oughta know,
I got out of jail about two months ago,
I'm stuck in my house, all alone,
Because of this bracelet I can never leave my ho... ow!
(bracelet starts shocking him)
My idea of fun is to go to Alabama,
To see all my friends who are stuck there in the slammer.
Then I find, a frog or a tadpole,
And I take 'em into a room, and I violate parole.
I've a-got a probation officer, he's not very tough.
He doesn't have that many rules, my life is not that rough.
Life is pretty easy if you know what I mean,
'Cause my probation officer is Charlie Sheen.
My officer wants me to go back to jail,
I thought I was scot-free, I thought that I'd made bail.
When I go back I know that I will do life,
The really bad part is that I'm everybody's wife.
All: I'm everybody's wife!
The Professional Baseball Player Hoedown
Now y'all that know me, know I don't know much 'bout sports,
With baseball playing guys, normally I don't consort.
But I met this pretty girl, man, real for real,
She let me get down and go to her Wrigley Field.
My wife likes baseball, she's a baseball loving girl,
That's good for me, I'm the richest man in the world.
I bought her a playing field, the best that money could spend,
Cos everyone knows a diamond is a girl's best friend.
I'm a baseball catcher, and that takes a lot of guts,
Squatting there looking at other players' butts.
I have to admit I don't know where they've been,
Just last week I took two balls to the chin.
Well baseball is the pasttime of the grand old U.S.A.,
We like to go out to the park and watch those guys all play.
And once I met a baseball gal, I thought she was top-notch,
But just like all the players, she won't stop scratching crotch.
All: Won't stop scratching crotch!
The Puberty Hoedown
My voice is high and screechy, my hair was lank and freaky,
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky,
But the thing I hated most, when I went to the dance,
Was getting dragged across the lawn, in my underpants.
Well I hated high school, I did not have a ball,
I just hated walking through the hall,
I hated going to every class,
'Cause of pimples on my face, but now they're on my ass!
The hardest time of my life was going through puberty,
It seemed like everything around just excited me.
Now listen to me now, this isn't one of my rants,
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweat pants.
I didn't handle the puberty thing too well,
In fact for me it was like going to hell,
And it was kind of 'barrassing if the truth be told,
'Cause when I went through it I was forty-two years old.
All: Forty-two years old!
The Roommate Hoedown
I like having roommates, it's kinda like family,
So I've got 400 people, they's living with me.
Sometimes we all work out together, and we talk and they just listen.
All of my roommates live with me in prison.
I have a lot of roommates, we live in a small space,
It really is so crowded, it brings a frown to my face.
It really is so horrible, it really makes me squirm,
I've got thousands of them... I'm a sperm.
When I look back on all the money that I spent,
I had to get a roommate, someone to split the rent. (puts hand on Colin's shoulder)
He really is a pain, living with him there,
At least in the shower, the drain's not full of hair.
(Colin: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This guy!)
My roommate, he really is quite strange,
I'm thinking that it might be time for a change.
Why he calls me mother, it doesn't make much sense,
I guess that's what happens when your roommate is Mike Pence.
All: Your roommate is Mike Pence!
The Scary Wife Hoedown
Oh I got married, about a year ago.
I'm as happy as can be, I think you should know.
But my wife, I'm glad I did marry,
Except in the mornin', she looks like Drew Carey.
Well Wayne gets worried, about his little wife,
'Cause she is the love of his life.
But every night, just about three (looks at watch),
Oh, Wayne... she's out with me!
Every night my wife scares the life out of me,
With her ugly hair and scars, all you can see.
Marrying someone that ugly really wasn't my plan.
I accidentally married Dennis Rodman.
You know that my wife, she is my best pal.
I will have to say that she is quite a gal.
When it comes to wives, she is the best,
She's the finest in the land. Phew, now I'll get some sex!
All: Now I'll get some sex!
The Shoplifting Hoedown
Whoo! I sure love this one!
When I was younger, took a field trip to the zoo,
I was really mischievious so here's what I would do,
But my crime, damn it made me dance,
I tried to put a cheetah and a rhino in my pants.
When I go out to a store I never like to pay,
I got five-finger discount, I just take it away,
I never pay for nothin', I don't pay no rent,
And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the President.
The other day I stole something, it really was a sin,
It was a little revolver made of gelatin,
It really was a bad idea, it's something I should've slept on,
'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Shopping the correct way can be such a bore,
I have to steal everything when I go in a store.
Not to loot and take things can be really hard,
But I guess I shouldn't 'cause I am a security guard.
All: I am a security guard.
The Television Hoedown
When I was growing up, my life was really fun,
I was a Latchkey kid, I was raised by reruns,
All that was deep in me, a gap needed to fill is,
The thing I love to say was "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Here's my story, hope you don't think I'm a moron,
But I like to watch TV without any clothes on,
Sometimes it raises a fuss, raises up a storm,
'Cause I'm always watching it in the lounge in my dorm.
The other day I went out and got a new TV,
Just the thought of watching it filled me up with glee,
But when I turned it on you know, boy I really lost it,
Because the only thing it picked up was Veronica's Closet.
As an actor, there's nothing on TV,
I think they should have a show about me,
I don't think that's odd, I don't think that's real scary,
And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey!
All: Murder Drew Carey!
The Tourists & Kids At A Movie Theater Hoedown
(Drew gets the two suggestions from the 'ignored section' of the audience)
Tourists are the ones in shorts with sandals on their feet,
When I drive around I run them over in the street.
I do that for my town's own protection,
I am singing this song for the ignored section.
Tourists from Japan are really the best,
They're used to travelling without any rest.
I look just like them, aw, what the heck,
Except that I don't have a great big camera on my neck.
The other day I was at a movie, the kids were all loud,
They were making noise and throwing stuff, what an ugly crowd,
I told them there is something, and then they all cried,
I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died.
I hate it at the movies, when all the kids scream,
I have to admit that is really not my scene,
But one thing's for sure, an usher I will not call,
I just sit in front of them, I'm over six feet tall.
All: I'm over six feet tall!
(Episode 13.00) - Bloopers (Ryan's Melissa obsession)
The Traffic Hoedown
Talking about traffic, it is boring all the time,
It's hard to think about something that'll rhyme.
Traffic, ah, who cares? It's got no kind of class,
Ah, once again, I gotta mention Melissa's ass.
All: Mention Melissa's ass!
The Village People Hoedown
I love the Village People, now please don't get me wrong,
I love YMCA, hey girl, that's my song,
But you see in San Francisco's where they belong,
And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.
I love the Village People, they give me confidence,
Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense,
I have a fat white body, and I don't have a tan,
But when I put on leather pants I am a macho man.
About the Village People, I have a lot of facts.
Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they acts.
It really is quite wonderful, I can't believe my eyes,
If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
I don't like the Village People, think they're kind of rude.
Don't you know their lyrics can be kind of crude?
When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute,
But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.
All: The Indian's kind of cute!
The You're Ugly Hoedown
(the audience clapping is completely out of time, Wayne can't start and Greg tries to lead them)
Let me tell you something, happened just the other day,
My date was so ugly, I almost ran away.
She was just horrific, where can I begin?
When that heffer was born, her mama should've pushed her back in.
I met a girl at a nightclub, it was pretty dark,
Thought I'd take her home, just for a lark.
But when I saw her in the light I ran a mile,
'Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.
Heeheehee (dances with Wayne)
I'm an ugly woman, yes that is not fair.
I have ugly face and I have no hair.
What can I do, that's the way the fates went,
The only person who'll sleep with me is the President.
(gets congratulations from Drew & Wayne)
I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover,
When I leave the house, all the dogs run for cover,
I'm big and white and round and my back is real hairy,
Yes, you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey.
All: My name is Drew Carey!