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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Bartender/Prison Visitor/Psychiatrist

BARTENDER (BAR, BAR SCENE)

Bedwetting and Clive Anderson
Constipation, Impotence and Barman Love
Divorce, Stockmarkets and Impotence
Jilted Lovers, Cats and Queen's Garden Parties
Losing virginity
Men
Milk, Grey Hair and Potato
Muffins, Centrelink and Kids
Parking Tickets, Hipsters and Trains
Redundancies, Wives and Bad Breath
Tax Demands, Dogs and Jackets
Teddy Bears and Middle Names
Television
Tinder, Teddy Bears and Underwear
Toilet Paper and Bunions
(Neon) Wardrobe and Inflatable Pigs

PRISON VISITOR (PRISON CELL)

Buckingham Palace, Bald Dachshunds and Sumo Wrestlers
Jumbo Jets and Grandfather Clocks
Pants, George and Prostitutes

PSYCHIATRIST

Armadillos and Cameramen
Eskimos, Hats, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
James Brown
Peanuts, Psychiatrists and Nurses
Peanut Butter and Easter Bunnies
Water, Tony and Horses
Women and Poodles


BARTENDER

Bar Scene: Bedwetting and Clive Anderson

(Episode 4.13) - Chip Esten as the bartender.

Sam Johnson (drinking to forget his bedwetting problems):
Chip: How about a big drink... oh... ah... sorry.
Sam: You know I'm trying to forget, Al.
Chip: I know.
Sam: And you're just making fun of me.
Ra da da da da,
Ra da da da.
I wish I could have a gallon of coke,
But I'm afraid, my mattress, I'd soak.
My misery, you know is complete,
For Christmas, I got a plastic sheet.
Chip: That's sad.
That's really sad. It's kind of pathetic,
I mean to hear that you're an enuretic.
Don't get so down, try to be a little chipper,
When you go to bed just bring a mask and flipper.
Sam: I'm leaving this bar!

Jane Brucker (Clive Anderson has left her):
Chip: Hey, you've had a couple too many. What's your problem?
Jane: Clive, he's left me.
Chip: I get more women in here with that.
Jane: Can you imagine, I want to get high, do you have a joint?
Do you know what I have to do, just to get a point?
Oh I know that my love for him, could never be,
What I've had to do, to win on TV.
Chip: I know it's sad, when you can't date,
A sexy moderator, with a shiny pate.
The more kinda girls come here, and they're crying in these joints,
Yeah you may have lost him, but I've just lost all my points.


Bartender: Constipation, Impotence and Barman Love

(Episode 5.07) - Mike McShane as the bartender.

Steve Steen (angry about constipation):
Mike: What can I do for you?
Steve: I've come in here, I'm in a bit of a flap,
And you look like a helpful chap,
I feel all cornered, like I'm in a trap,
And it's just because I just can't crap.
Mike: Don't try here, it'll be a big mess,
I'm stuck for a solution, I confess.
I don't want to see you get any meaner,
So here, take this vacuum cleaner.

Jim Sweeney (drinking to forget impotence):
Mike: So, what's the problem?
Jim: I've got a problem, it's making me sick.
Frankly, I've got a useless dick.
My life it ain't no fun,
Man it's just a real bummer.
Can you help me 'bout my useless dick?
Mike: Come again? I'm sorry, I'll rephrase that.
I take those problems seriously.
Lack of orgasm can make you deliriously ... upset.
I've got an idea for you, (hands over drink)
Here's a stiff one, that oughta do.
Have yourself another, on the house.

Tony Slattery (in love with the barman):
Mike: So, you've been coming in here quite a bit. What's up?
Tony: I'm the bacon, (Mike: Aha) and you are my chips.
I'd like to shipwreck in those standy-out nips.
You are the centre of my life,
If you were'nt a big butch man, I'd ask you to be my wife.
Mike: You know a lot of people say strange things,
But very few of them get through to my heart strings.
I've put up a front for, oh so long.
But the burning in your eyes is oh so strong!
You've seen through me!
So do me!
Right here!
(Mike: lies face down on the bar, Tony goes to climb onto him)


Bar: Divorce, Stockmarkets and Impotence

(Episode 4.11) - Chip Esten as the bartender.

Chris Smith (angry about his divorce):
Chip: Tell me your problems.
Chris: I will, barman.
There was a time when our marriage was filled with pleasure.
A time when our marriage was filled with fun.
And now she tells me she's going one step further,
Beyond the trial separation.
Chip: It's very sad of course,
When you get that divorce,
But leave that woman, she's a phony.
I think you could be rich,
If you just ditch the bitch,
And get her to pay you some alimony.

Jim Meskimen (drinking to forget the stockmarket):
(audience suggestions included 'going bald', rejected by Clive)
Chip: Well, Bobby, you've drank everything in the house. So why don't you tell me your story.
Jim: Alright, why not, I've told it to everybody else. I might as well tell it to you.
I lost a fortune today, in just one minute. (Chip: Scabadeedoo!)
I lost a fortune today, in the blink of an eye.
When those green letters went around, they said I had a negative,
Man do you have to ask yourself why I cry?
Chip: I'm glad you came here, I'm glad you called,
I thought you might be upset because you're going bald.
That's not why (Jim: No no no no!), your life was sweet,
Until you lost it all on Wall Street! (Jim: All on Wall Street!).

Ryan Stiles (having a crisis with impotence):
Ryan: Why aren't their any women in this bar? (music starts)
Chip: Heck of a jukebox!
Ryan: Sure is!
I'm having problems (Chip: With what?)
I think it's the end.
Having problems,
With my little friend.
When it comes to love,
Guess I'm just a pup,
Suddenly I just can't,
Seem to get it up.
Chip: I know your problem,
When you're on a date,
When the two of you are together,
You can't seem to get anything straight.
Maybe in the sixties,
You took some acid.
And that's why now,
You can't help but be flaccid.


Bar Scene: Jilted Lovers, Cats and Queen's Garden Parties

(Episode 7.06) - Mike McShane as the bartender.

Colin Mochrie (Annoyed at being jilted):
Mike: That's the fifth one.
Colin: Oh, I'm annoyed.
Mike: You're annoyed, huh? What're you annoyed about?
Colin: Let me tell you what happened to me,
As I entered matrimony,
The girl that I loved, just left.
It wouldn't happen ordinarily,
But, la la la lee lee,
What can I do, I'm so annoyed, oh-oyed, oh-oyed.
Mike: You know sometimes words won't do,
Instead you gotta say habadascabwoob wabada woo,
You've gotta move on to greener pastures some day. (Colin: Whoah ho, like a cow!)
It's greener on the other side,
And listen buddy, I'm a bartender, I'd never lie,
So get out and find another fish in the sea today. (Colin: Hey hey!)
Hey hey!

Tony Slattery (In love with cats):
Mike: (picking hair off him) Where in the hell have you been?
Tony: I've got a passion, from which I will not be swerved. Aha.
I'm like Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served?'. Wha ha.
You may think that I'm some kind of wussy,
But I can't get enough of daily pussy.
I'm in love, in love with my feline friends. Wha ha ha.
Mike: You've got a problem, a problem on your hands.
I can smell it, it's those kitty love glands.
You've been working overtime in the bowl,
Doing the fur jelly roll.
You gotta knock off, knock off the stray pussy.

Ryan Stiles (Celebrating being invited to the Queen's Garden Party):
Audience member (male): Invited to the Queen's garden party!
Clive: You've had all the best suggestions tonight ... Madam. So, Ryan's been invited to the Queen's garden party, something we have over here, and away you go.
Mike: A nice summery day, huh?
Ryan: Yeah.
Mike: Hey, what's got you down? You should be the happiest guy in the world!
Ryan: I got some kind of extraordinary news today.
A special person's called me over, for a little play.
She's the best one that I've ever seen,
Unfortunately it's not that same queen,
That you're thinking 'bout, this girl's name is Roy.
Mike: Queen Roy is quite a queen. (Ryan: Aha!)
The toughest queen that you've ever seen. (Ryan: Whoah ho ha!)
But her parties are legendary. (Ryan: Really?)
There's naked men on a trapeze,
Nicholas Parsons covered in cheddar cheese,
Swingin from the balcony chandeliers. (Ryan: Sounds like it's great!)
You're just in time for the vomit fountain of beer!


Barroom Scene: Losing Virginity

(Episode 8.05) - Niall Ashdown as the Bartender.

Greg Proops (Celebrating losing his virginity, in Spain):
Greg: Buenos nachos!
Niall: Hey, welcome to the bar, would you like some tortillas? Oh no, that's Mexico, who cares. I've been around you know.
Greg: You certainly have. I'm in a good mood tonight.
Niall: Oh yeah?
Greg: I have much to celebrate (bangs chair on floor)
Niall: Watch the floorboards, buster.
Hey, last night I had a plan.
I would go home with my first woman.
I got her home, she was beguiling.
And when I finished she was smiling.
I took off her capa, and revealed, (Niall: Hai yai yai yai yai yai!)
A secret so surprising that I squealed. (Niall: Clap clap clap clap clap)
The senorita was no woman.
But, was TV presenter Clive Anderson.
Clive: I remember it well.
Greg: He was so, so gentle, so nice.
Niall: You're sure it was Clive Anderson?
Greg: I can't be mistaken. His head glowed.
Niall: It was him.
You are the luckiest man alive, (Greg: Don't I know?)
Now that you've gone to bed with Clive. (Greg: Whoa ho.)
Do not worry that it was ineffectual,
And the fact that Clive's heterosexual,
Doesn't matter about the failing of your plan, (Greg: My plan!)
When you look like you, you've got to get it where you can.


Bartender: Men

(Episode 3.17) - Mike McShane as the Bartender.

Ryan Stiles (In Love With Men):
I hate women, they always think they are the bosses.
It's their fault, having no penises are their losses.
I like guys, big strong men,
Sometimes I go to bed with eight or nine or ten,
Oh doctor help me, oh help me.
Help me straighten out, ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-out. (Mike: Ou-out!)
Mike: Oooohhh (Ryan: Aaaahaahh), it's not a problem loving men.
Ryan: I feel it is, I don't know what's wrong with me...
Mike: But, but, but, then again,
If you're not happy, that's what's important.
Ryan: Well that's the thing I'm talking about right here, I'm not happy at all, that's what I'm saying...
Mike: If you want to get off men, and you want to lose that kick,
I've got some aversion therapy that really really will stick,
If you feel that you're overwhelmed,
Then date Jessie Helms.
Ryan: Yeah, that'll work. Jessie Helms. Yeah, thanks doc!


Bartender: Milk, Grey Hair and Potato

(Episode A1.10) - Bridie Connell as the Bartender.

Susie Youssef (angry about milk):
Susie: Urrrrrr!
Bridie: Whoah! Settle down!
Susie: I'm so angry, I'm filled with rage,
I know it seems petty, and I should just act my age.
But there is something that makes me feel verbose,
Everyone's trying to feed me milk and I'm intolerant to lactose.
Bridie: Oh no I understand your fear, milk is so scary.
Wait don't drink that it's not beer, it's just a cup of dairy,
But I have a solution, I'll cause you joy,
Switch your lactose to soy.
Susie: Thanks Bridie. I wish you'd said that before I drank the milk...

Steen Raskopoulos (frightened about his first grey hair):
Steen: I woke up this morning, to a scare.
I found my first ever grey hair.
It was when I woke up, it was in my bed.
But the scariest thing was it didn't come from my head.
Bridie: Oh no! Steen that's... that's a bit of an overshare but I understand why you're so scared.
Steen: Oh I meant my pubic region.
Bridie: No I understand...
I understand that it makes you want to cry, (Steen: Ha ha oh...)
Because you have missed a spot with your hair dye, (Steen: Whooo.)
Other people might see, your wife might even scoff,
And so the time has come for me to wax it all off!
Steen: Noooooooooo ... ah much better thankyou.
Bridie: You're welcome.
Steen: Oh! Aerodynamic!
Bridie: Friendly neighbourhood bartender!

Tom Walker (in love with potato):
Tom: Opening door, walking through door, closing door.
Bridie: Wow!
Tom: Hi!
Bridie: Greeting my customer!
Tom: Oh! Very good. Smiling politely and sitting down to begin singing.
I've got great news, this is the month of March, (Bridie: Yeah!)
And I've met my love (Bridie: Oh!), and he's full of starch.
Oh, kiss me I'm Irish. I love the potato.
Do you say po-tah-to? No, I say potato.
Bridie: Oh Tom I must confess I love them too, I eat as much as I can cram in, (Tom: Same!)
The worst time in history was the Irish potato famine. (Tom: Ah hah)
My mum says find a guy who's really great,
But I'd happily settle for some carbohydrates.


Bartender: Muffins, Centrelink and Kids

(Episode A1.04) - Bridie Connell as the Bartender.

Tegan Higginbotham (happy about muffins):
Bridie: Good evening Tegan.
Tegan: Good evening Bridie.
Bridie: You look very happy.
Tegan: Well...
Well I love muffins, and I've gotta say,
That I used to eat muffins, every single day,
But I had to stop when I started dating a guy,
Who started shagging my muffins instead of warm apple pie.
Bridie: Well Megan I love muffins too, they're golden and they're buttery,
They make me so happy they make my heart all fluttery.
But I'm going on a diet too, I need them gluten free,
So pour out your beer and have a muffin and a cup of tea!

Tom Walker (sad about his Centrelink payments being cut):
Tom: Ugh, open door, walk through, close door...
Bridie: Yeah, I got a new voice-activated door!
Tom: Congratulations. But it's not all going well for some of us, for example me...
I'm having a bad time, it couldn't be worse,
My future seems deader than the second occupant of a hearse,
I was going well, thought my position was pole,
Then I found out that I no longer receive the dole.
Bridie: Oh Tom that's really sad (Tom: Uh huh), it does not fill me up with cheer, (Tom: Ooh)
If your Centrelink's been cut then you can't pay for your beer, (Tom: Oh no!)
But do not worry, don't be such a slob,
Come and work behind my bar, you've got a job! (throws dishcloth at him, he leaves it)
Tom: I'm really holding out for something in TV.
Bridie: Fair enough.

Steen Raskopoulos (stressed about having a kid):
Steen: Ohhhh, open door!
Bridie: Close door!
Steen: Gonna leave it open cos I'm stressed!
Bridie: Okay, open door!
Steen: Phwoar! Phwoar!
Bridie: Whoah!
Steen: Phwoar!
I'm sorry that I might look like a mess, aww Jesus!
But I'm feeling rather stressed,
Paying child support all the time,
And I don't even know if the boy is mine.
Bridie: Well I'm sorry to hear that you are so stressed, ya,
But I am now in my third trimester. (Steen: Congratu-bloody-lations!)
So if you've got a problem with kids,
Then you had better hit the skids.
Open door! Get out! Open door! (he leaves)
Close door!


Bartender: Parking Tickets, Hipsters and Trains

(Episode A1.02) - Bridie Connell as the Bartender.

Cal Wilson (angry about parking tickets):
Tommy: We need something for Cal to be angry about...
Audience: Honey badgers!
Tommy: Honey badgers?
Cal: Honey badgers! I'm angry about honey badgers!
Tommy: Hey?
Cal: I'm furious!
Tommy: I love how tha-, and that came so quickly from one person, so you could tell you're like, "I've been waiting to say this. Whatever they ask, I am saying honey badgers...". Anything else, what else are you angry about?
Audience: (various suggestions)
Tommy: Parking tickets. Ah let's go with parking tickets.
Cal: Parking tickets, okay.
Tommy: You are angry about parking tickets.
Cal: Okay.

Cal: Ugh, Bridie, I am furious! Ugh I just left my car to come and have a drink here, and wouldn't you know it? Ticket!
Well you know where the parking inspector can stick it!
He's given me another parking ticket.
And that's not the only thing that I am not finding funny,
Because a honey badger came and stole all my honey!
Bridie: Well Cal, I think you've got what you deserved! (Cal: What what what what!?)
It says over that spot that it's reserved. (Cal: Ugh!)
It's clearly a loading zone right here,
Now I can not get a delivery for my beer.
Cal: Oh, worst day ever!

Rhys Darby (sad about hipsters):
Bridie: Aww Rhys, you look so sad, why the long face?
Rhys: Well as you know I'm a professional horse impersonator. But today I'm just, just a sad man.
Bridie: Aww, tell me about it.
Rhys: I can't grow a beard,
I don't drink coffee, I think it's weird.
All my jeans are baggy,
I don't know what to do, my life is saggy.
Bridie: Well Rhys I'm kind of offended, you think hipsters are moronic,
Because I am a hipster, I'm so cool and I'm ironic,
That's right, I love my life, and without fail,
I drink my beer with a side order of kale.
Accept it! Embrace it!
Rhys: I think I'm gonna go buy a skateboard.
Bridie: No-one pays for their beer!

Steen Raskopoulos (happy about trains):
(suggestions include "found 50 bucks")
Bridie: Hey Steen, you look pretty cheery.
Steen: Mate what a day. I found 50 bucks, and that's not even the best bit.
Bridie: What's the best bit?
Steen: Bridie I know we haven't seen each other for a while, (Bridie: For a while)
Last time you saw me I was sad but now I've got a smile. (Bridie: I love it!)
I'm gonna tell you a bunch of shit that you're gonna find me quite a pain,
But I spent my 50 bucks on three beautiful model trains.
Bridie: It's great to see you happy, because you used to be so blue, (Steen: Aha, depressed.)
You can't wipe that smile off your face because of that old choo-choo (Steen: Choo-choo!)
And I'm also glad you found 50 bucks, you know it fills me up with cheer,
Because now you can pay for Cal and Rhys and your beer...
Steen: (runs off)
Bridie: Come on...!


Bartender: Redundancies, Wives and Bad Breath

(Episode 5.09) - Josie Lawrence as the Bartender.

Greg Proops (angry about being made redundant):
Josie: Okay, okay, I'll give you another drink.
Greg: Alright, hurry up about it.
Josie: Why don't you share your problem, it might help.
Greg: Alright.
I'm a plastic surgeon, it really is the pits.
I just got fired for cutting off too many tits.
Every time I put one in, the damn thing would explode.
So the hospital staff told me to hit the road.
Josie: I can see why you're mad, 'cause I've got a lot of soul.
It's terrible being made redundant and having to queue on the dole.
But I've got something planned that might heal your angry rift.
Come back to the bar and give me a face lift.

Ryan Stiles (drinking to forget his wife):
Josie: What's your problem?
Ryan: I'll tell you in a second...
I used to go to bed with someone next to me,
Now the empty sheets on the pillow are all I can see.
My wife is no longer right there at hand,
And it's hard to find a wife in a man.
Josie: Well you know some husbands are lying, cheating, brazen utter skunks.
Some husbands are people who sit in bars and are bleeding lousy drunks. (Ryan looks guilty)
Your wife should have left you, that's easy to see.
And I tell you why, 'cause that wife was me.

Mike McShane (has a problem with bad breath):
Clive: He has a problem.
Audience member: Dieting.
Mike: All these weight references, I've never heard them before. Get some original material.
Audience member: Bad breath.
Clive: Okay, so you have bad breath.
Josie: There you go (passes him a drink).
Mike: Thanks.
Hhhhaaalitosis, it's the bane of my existence,
The funk from my mouth has utterly no resistance.
It smells like a skip full of seagull poo,
It smells like eight-year-old horsy glue,
I have no friends at all, tell me bartender what can I do?
Josie: Well you have ... (breaks off, repulsed by breath)
Well you have to do something,
Else you'll have this terrible thing until you reach your death.
It's really awful to have this terrible affliction,
We know it as halitosis, or sometimes bad breath.
There's only one thing I can thing of to get you out of this rut,
And that is always, my darling, to keep your mouth shut,
Yes keep your mouth shut!


Bar Scene: Tax Demands, Dogs and Jackets

(Episode 6.08) - Chip Esten as the Bartender.

Greg Proops (drinking to forget his tax demand):
Clive: ... so, Chip's in position. Now, Greg, he's drinking to forget. So what is he trying to forget, anybody got a suggestion?
Audience member: Amnesia.
Clive: Oh yes. There's always somebody who suggests that, as I remember it... anyone else?
Audience member: Tax Demand.
Clive: Sorry? Tax Demand. Tax Demand's a good one. Drinking to forget his Tax Demand.
Greg: My Tax Demand?
Clive: Tax. You know, something we have over here, to... I know in America tacks are just something to keep the carpet down... but ah.. this... you're just trying to forget your tax. Away you go.

Greg: Hi, Chip!
Chip: Hey, what's the matter, huh?
Greg: Well, I ... my mind is all full of things.
Chip: Tell me one.
Greg: I made a lot of cash this year, you could say that I am rich.
But now they want all my money 'cause the government is a bitch.
I wish I'd paid as I went along, I guess that I'm just a nut, but,
Now they want it all, I guess they're gonna bite me in the butt.
Chip: Ohh... that's kinda sad, (Greg: Yeah!) they should carry you out on a gurney,
When you get so reamed by that old tax attorney,
But what you can do, if I can be sold bold to guess,
Is drive a car bomb into the IRS!

Ryan Stiles (in love with his dog):
Clive: Yep, okay, oh yeah... unusual use of the word gurney there... as we move onto Ryan, and he's in love with something. Can we suggest something he's in love with?
Audience member: Himself!
Clive: Everybody always suggest that as well, I thought we'd forgot about these performers...(?)
Audience: Car, fish, dog...
Clive: Was that... dog or car?
Audience member: Barman!
Clive: Er, dog, I think... hehehehehe... barman's not a bad one, I think dog is a good one. You're in love with your dog, has comic potential. So away you go, Ryan.

Ryan: Hey Chip!
Chip: Hi!
Ryan: You know lately, life really stinks.
Open up that bottle and keep pouring the drinks.
My wife died about an hour ago,
Didn't want her to but that's the way it is you know.
But I figured, hey, why sit around and grieve her?
I've got a dog at home, I'm in love with my retriever.
Chip: That's kind of funny, on valentines,
You send a card to your canine.
And then when you're in your house, you're not there all alone,
'Cause your girlfriend can fetch a bone!

Tony Slattery (angry about his jacket):
Clive: Yes... very good... okay, well, while we work out the full implications of the lyrics there, lets move on to Tony, who's... he's angry about something. What do you think he's angry about?
Audience: Jacket! Career!
Clive: He's angry about his jacket and his clothing generally, let's say... so away you go, Tony... I could have taken career! Somebody was just suggesting career there, which is... very cruel.

Tony: Look at my face! Is this an angry face?
Chip: That's an angry face!
Tony: Shall I tell you why?
Chip: Tell me!
Tony: I went to a store, I spent a lot of bucks! (Chip: Bucks!)
I came out with this, and boy does it suck! (Chip: Suck!)
But the most important thing, and this is what I'd like to share,
I hate this jacket 'cause it's made of bits of Lionel Blair.
Chip: I'll tell you what.
Tony: What?
Chip: Man you got reamed, when you went into that store,
They said it was velvet, but it's only cheap velour.
That salesman's good, that boy he is no slouch,
He ripped that sucker right off his old couch.


Bartender: Teddy Bears and Middle Names

(Episode 6.05) - Josie Lawrence as the Bartender.

Ryan Stiles (in love with his teddy bear):
Josie: Here you go.
Ryan: Thankyou. It's not alcohol is it?
Josie: No, it's just apple juice.
Ryan: I've got a friend, he's kind of new.
He likes me and I don't know what to do.
He talks to me, and sometimes he begs.
It's hard to turn down that little furry thing between my legs.
Josie: (looks shocked)
You really are a very silly fellow.
Teddies shouldn't go down below, they should remain on the pillow.
If you keep putting him there, he'll get all nasty and wet,
So don't keep doing it, just use a neighbour's pet.
(looks shocked again)
Clive: Does the expression "Teddy Bear" bear a different meaning in America?

Tony Slattery (angry about his middle name):
Clive: Tony, he's angry about something, so what do you think he's angry about?
Josie: Oh, this'll be a clean one.
Audience member: Angry about his middle name.
Tony: I am actually. It's Deklan.
Clive: Well, you can bring some of that into the song if you want. Away you go Tony, angry about your middle name.
Josie: Come on, drink that. Calm down.
Tony: I can't calm down, I'm too angry.
Josie: What about?
Tony: I got a middle name and I feel malicious,
'Cause my parents called me Patricius.
This middle name, it's such a heavy load,
But when I say it, I can feel my testicles explode.
Josie: You've been drinking far too much, make sure you don't get in a car.
And remember, it's not the name your mother n' daddy give you that matters, it's the person inside that you are.
So be proud, Patricius, come on take my flattery,
It's much better than being called Tony Slattery.


Bar Scene: Television

(Episode 7.11) - Mike McShane as the Bartender.

Ryan Stiles (in love with a television set):
Mike: So what seems to be the problem?
Ryan: I'm afraid I've got a bit of trouble, I've got VD.
I had unprotected sex with my TV.
He swooned me, talked to me, told me his love fable,
Before I knew it I was yanking on his big TV love cable.
Mike: So many channels, so little time,
Love for TV must surely not be a crime.
When you're surfing with the wand in your hand,
You're riding on the waves, and baby don't you feel grand?
But you'd better back off, that much more,
Or your thumb will get flicking sores,
You won't be able to keep it up. Your fervent wish,
Is use safe sex when you use the dish.


Bartender: Tinder, Teddy Bears and Underwear

(Episode A1.07) - Bridie Connell as the Bartender.

Steen Raskopoulos (celebrating being back on Tinder):
Steen: (points at smile) I'm happy!
Bridie: I can tell. You are glowing!
Steen: Ohh!
Bridie: Ahah!
Steen: You said I'm glowing, I just got back from a vacation,
Pour another beer cos I'm here celebratin',
I'm feeling great, and I'm feeling such delight,
Because four girls, they all swiped right.
Bridie: Well Steen, that makes me happy, that makes me feel all right,
In fact Steen I will tell you, that's a fact I super-like.
Because one of those girls, her name was Belinda,
And now you're here, it's me! Yeah we met on Tinder!
Steen: Belinda? You look very different from your profile picture.
Bridie: I can give you free beer...
Steen: (walks off)
Bridie: (disappointed)

Tom Walker (frightened about teddy bears):
Tom: (opens door) Sorry, I've just been attending some mime workshops in my spare time.
Bridie: That's gonna pay off.
Tom: Thanks!
I've got great news, got a gig on Whose Line,
But there's a tiny terror that is ursine,
It follows me around, has beady little eyes,
It moves when I look away, I'm sure it's a surprise.
Bridie: Oh Tom I understand, yes I can feel your fear,
Of the tiny little creature Rhys would call a teddy beer.
But I'm scared of them too, I think I've heard enough,
If they come back in here then we will all end up stuffed.
(hides behind bar)

Rhys Darby (angry because his underwear is too tight):
Rhys: I'm s... I'm so brassed off!
Bridie: I can tell! What are you so angry about?
Rhys: (tries to sit down)
I'm so angry, can't you see? (Bridie: I can see!)
That drink I'm buying better be free.
I'm walkin' around, my chisel isn't right,
It's trapped inside these undies, they are far too tight!
Bridie: Well I can understand your rage, it's rage it isn't glee,
When your undies are oh so tight, so tight your boxer briefs,
It is a thing that nobody should have to stand,
I say just take off your pants!
Rhys: (gleeful smile then stands and starts to unzip, turning to the bar, then heads to his seat)
Steen: Did you just cockslap the bar?
Rhys: Yep. I gave it the old wanger-banger.
Tommy: The old wanger-banger, ummm...
Bridie: This bar is not a very desirable place.


Bar Scene: Toilet Paper and Bunions

(Episode 4.08) - Chip Esten as the Bartender.

Greg Proops (angry about no toilet paper in the bathroom):
Chip: What's the matter?
Greg: I'm T.O.'d, babe!
Chip: Ah.
Greg: I need an air drink.
Chip: Let me pour you some air then. (pours empty bottle into glass)
Greg: Thanks, bro!
Chip: Hey, go easy!
Greg: I'll have to tell you why I'm so mad.
You know my life used to be a gay parade,
Yeah life used to be a ball. (Chip: Yeah.)
But then just a few minutes ago,
Something happened to me in the stall.
I was just sitting there, kind of reading and having a think,
And then I reach out and all there was was shiny empty metal ring.
Chip: Oh.
These kids they came right in and then they stole it,
I coulda caught 'em. (Greg: Me too.)
But they just ran so fast,
And now you can't wipe your bottom.
I heard you in there,
Let out that awful howl. (Greg: Ooh.)
Hey go on back,
And you can use my towel.

Ryan Stiles (has a crisis with bunions on his feet):
Chip: What's the matter?
Ryan: I've got a problem.
Chip: Tell me.
Ryan: I've got a problem, (Chip: Ooh, ooh.)
With my feet below. (Chip: Ah, ah.)
There's something growing,
Under my big toe.
I hope people don't find out,
I hope they don't talk.
At this point I can only wear,
One Reebok.
Chip: That's kinda sad,
I'm crying like I'm cutting onions,
Because your feet have,
Those nasty bunions.
Your shoes they really hurt,
Down to their soles.
Maybe you should see,
Dr Scholl.


Bartender: Wardrobes and Inflatable Pigs

(Episode 6.04) - Mike McShane as the Bartender.

Ryan Stiles (drinking to forget his wardrobe):
(Ryan is wearing a very bright orange shirt)
Clive: So, Ryan is...er... what's he... he's drinking to forget something. So what is he?
Audience member: Tony Slattery!
Clive: He's drinking to forget Tony Slattery... an unlikely proposition!
Audience member: His wardrobe.
(Ryan goes to walk off)
Clive: Oh, that's really cruel! Cruel but accurate, I feel. Drinking to forget his wardrobe.
(Ryan looks annoyed with him)
Clive: Er, so... It wasn't me, it wasn't me, it was the beautiful girl behind me! So, away you go, drinking to forget your wardrobe.
Mike: Don't mess with the neon love chicken!
Greg: (from his seat) Who ordered pumpkin?
Ryan: Shut up! Everybody shut up!
Clive: It's the Stiles tartan!
(no audience reaction)
Clive: I wish I hadn't said that!

Mike: What's got you down in the mouth, huh?
Ryan: People say things to me, that really make me hurt.
Sometimes they complain and joke about my shirt.
I'm not sure if it's some other joke that I've missed.
People make fun of me just because I wear fashions from Sunkist.
Mike: I know you've got problems, I could say.
It's a bright shirt, but, what the hey.
You're looking healthy, believe you me.
With a shirt like that you must be getting your Vitamin C.
I tell you baby, keep it alive-er,
Just dip your shirt in this vodka, and have a screwdriver.

Tony Slattery (in love with an inflatable pig):
Mike: (as Tony walks down) I'm sorry, we're closed.
Clive: Now, er, Tony's in love with something or someone.
(Audience suggestions include 'himself')
Clive: Everybody always says himself! Every time! He must love something else, come on!
Mike: I owe ya 5 bucks!
Clive: What's that? An inflatable pig? He's in love with an inflatable pig. These girls all know you guys! An inflatable pig.
Tony: An inflatable pig?!!!
Clive: Pig. Okay, that's what you're in love with... Have you been out socically with Tony?

Mike: I haven't seen you around here for the last few weeks. What's going on, Tony?
Tony: There've been difficult times, shall I tell you about it?
Mike: Lay it on me, brother.
Tony: I've got a problem, I'd like to report.
When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort.
Oh yeah, you know what I mean,
When I see that porker I spill my seed.
You know animals are my ilk,
I spray them with man milk.
I go "Yeah, Porky,
Porky you're the one for me."
(oinks)
Mike: I've heard all around town,
How you've been throwing down,
Hanging out at that late night cottage,
Indulging in some porcine frottage.
Well you gotta get away from that,
It's gonna ruin your name, you bad cat.
I'd say don't do no more harm,
Get yourself a nice quiet place on the farm.
But remember, above all,
Doing too much pork raises cholestorol.


PRISON VISITOR

Prison Cell: Buckingham Palace, Bald Dachshunds and Sumo Wrestlers

(Episode 4.04) - Josie Lawrence as the Prison Visitor.

Jim Sweeney (burgled Buckingham Palace):
Jim: Hello.
Josie: Hello. Tell me, what crime did you commit? How can I help?
Jim: Well I will tell you this, 'cause you've got a nice face,
I went and robbed Buckingham Palace.
That's what I did, I stole the Queen's crown. (Josie: Queen's crown.)
She was well cheesed off she was,
In fact she was extremely annoyed and hit me.
All over town.
Josie: Don't be worried about your stay in prison,
Nobody meant you any malice.
I went there and checked with the Queen,
She wants you to come back to the palace.
Bring all your friends, your lovely friends,
Especially the one called Georgie,
'Cause she wants to see him do again,
What he did to that little corgi.

Stephen Frost (killed a bald dachshund):
Josie: How are you coping in here? Tell me about it.
I came to this country just to see zee Vorld Cup in sixty-six,
And zis little Scottish dog came walking up to me, and it made me feel sick.
And I took out my sharp knife and I scalped it zere and zen.
And zen it vent and told on me and listen vhat happened zen,
I slit its throat, I cut off its tail and stuffed it in its mouth,
I took it home to where my father lived and had some sauerkraut.
Josie: I can get you out on bail, I think, I've got enough money in the funds.
But only if you promise me you won't kill any more dachshunds.
You know it really makes me sick, to think that what you do,
Is killing doggies because you hate the mess they make with their poo.

Tony Slattery (ran off with a sumo wrestler):
Tony: Look out, Bea! Here comes Vinegar Tits!
Josie: Tell me about your crime, Slasher!
Tony: You want to hear about that crime or the other one?
I'll take a chance with you, let's have a little betty,
You guess why I like fat people, because they're sweaty.
I lose myself in their folds of skin,
That's where my lust begins,
That's why I want to marry,
A sumo wrestler from Gay Paree.
Josie: Gay Paree, (Tony: Yeah!)
That's quite a long way to go,
Why are you so in love, why did you run away with a sumo?
You've got to stay in prison now, the sumo guy don't want you back,
But you can carry on wearing the nappies that go straight up your crack.


Prison Visitor: Jumbo Jets and Grandfather Clocks

(Episode 6.07) - Josie Lawrence as the Prison Visitor.

Tony Slattery (has stolen a Jumbo Jet):
Tony: I'll tell you about my problem.
Josie: Alright then.
Tony: Thanks.
I got a problem, I'm in such pain,
I stole myself a gigantic plane.
I don't mean to bore you, I don't mean to rant,
But I put a 747 down my pants.
I tried to walk away in a straight line,
But it wouldn't ... bbbbbbbb. Bbbbbb. (wobbles mouth).
Josie: Now I think you must be insane, (Tony: Ahaha!)
What a silly place to put a plane! (Tony: I know.)
You know what I think, (Tony: What?)
You're gonna be a long time in this clink.
You're gonna die, and go to heaven.
'Cause it ain't no good where you stuck your 747.

Mike McShane (smuggled a grandfather clock into the country):
Josie: What did you do, baby?
Mike: Oh, baby, I did it for us okay?
Rrrrrrrrrrroo! (Josie: Ap ap ap ap ap!)
Ha ha! (Josie: Hiya hya hya!)
You know my grandfather clock in the house,
The one with the family of the cute brown mouse,
Well my grandfather died and he willed it to me.
They took it away from me, I took it back,
They took it away, and I ran away Jack,
Now I stole the clock, what can I do baby?
Josie: I can hide the grandfather clock, (Mike: Ooh hoo!) I can shove it up my bum.
But I'll be in a lot of pain with the swing from the pendulum.
I know what I'll do, I'll hide it in my frock,
So don't you worry, I'll look after your grandfather clock, clock, clock-clock-clock, clock.


Prison Scene: Pants, George and Prostitutes

(Episode 7.09) - Josie Lawrence as the Prison Visitor.

Colin Mochrie (in Brazil, has stolen some pants):
(Colin is wearing a lime green jacket)
Josie: Tell me, Jose, what did you do?
Colin: I tell you.
Oh, get me out of here, I'm not having a good time.
They threw me in here for impersonating a lime.
I needed green pants, you see, to go with my whole ensemble,
What am I going to do, I can't rhyme with ensemble.
Josie: I'm sorry that you're stuck in here, the people that put you here they are louses.
Because all you wanted was to find a pair of green trousers.
I know that you need some pants, but now you're stuck in a rut.
Standing there with no pants on, you look like a real Brazil nut.

Caroline Quentin (in Italy, has murdered George):
Josie: Maria, tell me why?
Caroline: I am crazy, that is why.
I couldn't stand a man,
He came at me with his bad breath and his sweat again.
I saw him there, and with despair,
I took a knife and killed him.
Josie: I know you didn't mean to kill George, (Caroline: Kill George!)
But what a problem this poses. (Caroline: It poses a problem!)
To kill George simply because,
He had halitosis.

Ryan Stiles (in Jamaica, was caught with a prostitute in a car):
Ryan: Dao. Da, da, da, da, da, do, do.
Whoah, the police run up to me one day, boy they rave and rant.
I made the same mistake as my good friend, the actor Hugh Grant.
Made the mistake, now jail's where I got to go.
And I'm stuck with a very very huge man whose name happens to be Moe.
(worriedly waves to someone behind him)
Whoah, Moe.
Josie: I understand why you did this, (Ryan: Da da do do!)
I understand your ploys, (Ryan: Whoah da ra do do do!)
Although men try to be really good,
Let's face it lady boys will be boys.
We know you're not so good,
We've heard about you and we know you quite well. (Ryan: A da do do do do!)
I'll help you to escape my friend,
Come on limbo under your cell!
(lifts up the bars)


PSYCHIATRIST

Psychiatrist: Armadillos and Cameramen

(Episode 7.08) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Colin Mochrie (in Austria, thinks he's an armadillo):
Josie: Tell me your problem.
Colin: Doctor, Doctor, please make me well.
As you can see, I've gone right to shell.
I think I'm an armadillo.
Yo ho ho, ya diddle-ee, ooh what a nice pillow.
Josie: Snap out of it if you can,
You need a slap you are a man.
Don't be such a silly fellow.
You are not an armadillo!

Ryan Stiles (in Greece, in love with a cameraman):
Yes, a man I adore.
He pushes a big thing around the floor.
I love him, and all of his friends.
When he makes love to me, he uses a telescopic lens.
Josie: This is such a lot of hocus pocus.
You must pull your friendship into focus.
Come on now, don't be a clamourer,
You must forget about this man behind the camera.
Ryan: (moves to kiss camera lens)


Psychiatrist: Eskimos, Hats and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(Episode 3.01) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Greg Proops (thinks he's an Eskimo):
Clive: You think you're an Eskimo.
Greg: But I really do think I'm an Eskimo!
Clive: Eskimo then. Away you go.
Josie: Tell me about your problem.
Greg: I will.
Up in the frozen North, there's a lot of schlubbers,
All day long I spend my time, just eating blubber.
When I ride the bus each day, everyone looks at me funny,
'Cause I'm wearing mukluks and my nose is always runny.
Josie: This problem always goes, back to your mama. (Greg: Aha.)
She never kissed you, she only rubbed your nose.
And when you were small, although it was hot,
She always wrapped you up in furry clothes.
So this is what I need for you to do, (Greg: Tell me!)
Don't ever live in an igloo.

Jim Sweeney (scared of hats):
Josie: Tell me about your problem then, boy!
Jim: Alright, I think I will.
I'll tell you this, and I'll tell you that,
I'm very very scared of a very big hat,
I'm scared of a hat, I'm scared of a hat is me.
Been scared since I was a little boy,
It seems worse now oh joy, oh joy,
I hate those hats they scare the life out of me.
Josie: This is quite a big problem, yes it is so very big.
It'll probably be with you until you're dead.
I know why you hate hats so much, I know why it is true,
It is because you've got a funny head.
So this is what you need to do my son, before you go,
Never wear a chapeau.

Tony Slattery (in love with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles):
Tony: I've got a problem, doc.
Josie: (looks at him) Yes, I can see. Tell me about your other one.
Tony: I'll tell you about this one, shall I?
Josie: Yeah, go on.
I think sometimes I drink too much, I think I drink too much gin,
Then I find myself falling in love with a shiny terrapin.
I like to call it Josie or Myrtle,
But really I want to mount a turtle.
Tell me what to do, before I go mad. Cha cha cha.
Josie: This is quite a nasty problem, oh yes, a quite nasty problem for sure.
I think you want to be a Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle, do you, tell me, live in a sewer? (Tony: Mmm hmm.)
Oh I'm going to give you some more pills to stop this, they may make your eyelids droop. (Tony: I don't know.)
But never go near the turtles again, you may end up in the turtle soup.


Psychiatrist: James Brown

(Episode 3.17) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Jim Meskimen (obsessed by James Brown):
Owwwww!
I got something bothering me, it consumes me wholly,
I got something inside of me, you know, I'm just nuts about that godfather of soul - wheee!
You understand my problem, I don't have to say more?
Josie: No, you've said enough boy.
Well it's obvious that your parents, well they take all the blame. (Jim: Oh my mother's (over?)!)
'Cause it seems you're in love with a wonderful man called James.
Oh, oh, well teach you so mean,
So come on get up like a sex machine.


Psychiatrist: Peanuts, Psychiatrists and Nurses

(Episode 8.10) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Steve Frost (in France, thinks he's a peanut):
Josie: Tell me your problem please.
Steve: When I was young, I lived by the sea. (Josie: By the sea!)
And when the tide went out, I was lonely. (Josie: Lonely!)
And then into my life came doubt, a great big "but".
I kept thinking I'm a petite peanut.
C'est vrai!
Josie: I understand, you're not very well. (Steve: Mais non!)
You obviously need to come out of your shell.
Many people in the past said I'm a nut, oh how they boasted.
But your better than them, because at least you are dry roasted.

Colin Mochrie (in Germany, scared of psychiatrists):
Josie: What seems to be the matter, my little dubsche?
Colin: Ooohoo, de lieber.
Verstinin muell lichen das luten.
Bestuki vuti steech, et lugi dugi deitch.
I'm scared of psychiatrists.
Josie: I understand why you had to have therapy.
But there's really no reason to be scared of me.
I'm a very nice person, I give you good advice.
And if I don't like you, I will put your head in a vice, vice, vice. (Colin moves away)

Ryan Stiles (in Mexico, in love with a nurse):
Ryan: Rrrrrrrr!
Josie: Riba, riba, riba!
Ryan: Is very good!
I'm in love with a girl, I've got lots of gall.
She's a girl who works in a hospital.
She's the kind of girl, people do scoff.
But I love when she grabs me by my testicles and says "cough".
Josie: Riba, riba, riba. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Things are looking good for you, things could not look worse.
It's quite nice I believe, to be in love with a beautiful nurse.
Nothing can be sweeter,
than being in love with this cancita.
She dances round your Mexican hat.
Oh, yes, and she knows where to bung her thermostat.
Ryan: Ouch!


Psychiatrist: Peanut Butter and Easter Bunnies

(Episode 3.06) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Denalda Williams (scared of peanut butter):
Doctor, I have something that I dread,
I can't have peanut butter on my bread.
It's on the top, yea, it goes from north to south,
But when I eat it, you see, I can't use my mouth.
Josie: Oh I understand your problem, whenever you get the munchies,
You always use the smooth peanut butter when you should be using the crunchies.
Oh but don't worry, don't get yourself in a rut,
We have lots of mad people like you here, you are just a pea - nut.

Mike McShane (obsessed with Easter Bunnies):
(twitches nose)
Think about eggs, think about eggs,
Think about eggs all day.
I hop and hop and skip and hop,
Whenever I want to play.
I go to bed, I roll over,
I look at the back of my tail,
It's furry and fuzzy what can I do?
I'm gonna wind up in jail.
(twitches nose)
Josie: I think you are definitely going funny,
It's because you are in love with all these Easter bunnies. (Mike: Yeah.)
What can you do, you feed me all this junk,
You know what rabbits do a lot, oh yes they're just bunk.
So what you need to do is go away and try to break the habit,
Never look at an Easter egg and stay away from the rabbit.


Psychiatrist: Water, Tony and Horses

(Episode 4.06) - Chip Esten as the Psychiatrist.

Greg Proops (frightened of water):
(with water in mouth) Hello.
Chip: What seems to be your problem, tell me all about it.
Greg: Doctor, oh doctor, there's something of which,
I'm so very frightened.
That's why I've come to you this afternoon,
To be enlightened.
It may not seem like very much,
No, it may not be gigantic,
But when they were very young,
My grandparents bought in on the Titanic.
Chip: I think I see your problem, but everywhere you go,
You're gonna run right into it, that nasty H2O.
It's quite a phobia, it's really quite a fear,
Maybe you should get some scuba gear.

Tony Slattery (in love with himself):
Put the mirror there...
I got a little problem, I can't get enough,
You know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about me, I'm hot stuff.
Look at myself in the mirror, I just start to sweat,
'Cause I'm the most beautiful person, that I've ever met.
Chip: I think your problem's easy, you're really kind of queer,
Every time I see you, looking at yourself in the mirror,
One of these days, that mirror will just go crack,
'Cause Mister, your problem is you're an egomaniac.
Tony: Have you got any crack?

Ryan Stiles (thinks he smells like horses):
(makes horse braying noise)
Chip: So, how many appointments has this been for you?
Ryan: (bangs foot on ground 3 times)
Chip: Yeah.
Ryan: Oh doctor, help me please,
Could you help me, help me, help me, today? (Chip: I'll try!)
'Cause I've got a problem, I'm not like other guys,
I like to nibble on hay.
Chip: Well I can help you, I think I'm able,
You don't look that well to me, you look and smell a little unstable.
I think that it's not really a problem, don't let yourself get down,
'Cause someday you might win a triple crown.


Psychiatrist: Women and Poodles

(Episode 3.16) - Josie Lawrence as the Psychiatrist.

Greg Proops (afraid of women):
(jumps away from Josie)
Josie: Please, please.
Greg: Excuse me, doctor.
Josie: Don't be frightened of me.
Greg: Ever since I was young, I spent a lot of time alone.
Other kids would go out on dates, but I'd just sit at home.
It wasn't that I wasn't social, it wasn't that I didn't care,
I just couldn't meet people who had longer hair.
Josie: That might be bad for you, I'm sure it made you kinda crippy (Greg: It was a bummer)
'Cause there was a lot of men with long hair in the days of the hippy.
But this tale is common, as common as any other,
The reason you're frightened of women is because you're frightened of your mother.
Now I know that women scare you and they make your heart a-racin,
Be off with you, don't bother me anymore, or I will bash your face in.

Mike McShane (Obsessed with poodles):
Josie: Tell me about your problem.
Mike: (barks)
They're small and they're cut really funny,
They bark, and their nose and eyes are runny.
When I go walking down the street,
Their little four feet toenails I hear and meet.
I can't stand them, they scare me doodles,
Those nasty poodles.
Josie: I get this problem a lot of times, I know you're a real mean tripper.
It's because you hate the poodles, especially the ones with the really strange clipper.
Never go out into the street, never go in the smog,
Never go near a poodle, they're a funny kind of dog.
Oh let me give you these pills my boy, they'll help you with the whole kaboodle.
And stay away from the silly women that always have a poodle.