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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Rock Out

Botched Nose Job
Childbirth
Competitive Eating
Eating Cheese For Breakfast
Excel
Moisturise Every Day
Nudie Runs
Pilot
Puberty
Selling drugs at school


The Botched Nose Job Rock Out

(Episode A1.06)

Tom Walker:
I took my nose, to get it fixed,
Cos it had a bunch of cricks,
Went in there, if you mean it,
It came out looking more like a penis.
Cal Wilson:
Well I wear a mask, don't want you lookin' at me,
Had a little accident, my nostrils number three.
You might think that I'm livin' in hell,
Well I don't look too good, but boy can I smell.
Steen Raskopoulos:
Look at me, don't I look like just some fun,
Can you just see the procedure that I just had done,
Babe it is totally all the fashion,
Don't you think that I just look like another Kardashian?
Susie Youssef:
I've had some work done, it's kinda drastic,
Started with my boobs, moved up to rhinoplastic.
But let me tell you, one thing that I really feel,
I know that you can tell that all my lips are real.
All: All my lips are real!


The Childbirth Rock Out

(Episode A1.01)

Tom Walker:
Nine long months, he stayed inside her,
Oh the thing just up va-va-vagina,
I'm sorry that you broke my heart,
Then your f**king son tore me apart.
Cal Wilson:
The doctor was surprised that he couldn't get through to us,
He kept shouting out "there's a kid in your uterus!"
We were so happy yeah our hearts went boom,
And then the doctor said "Hey! Go get a womb!"
Steen Raskopoulos:
I know where a baby comes from, it comes from sex,
But to all the girls out there I've got no context.
So I will do one thing, I'll take of my hat,
Because as a man I couldn't even do that.
I'm proud of you, women. As a man I could never get a baby out of my dick.
Tegan Higginbotham:
Well I don't want a baby, and I know that that's wild,
But for the past few years I've been dating a 30-year-old man-child.
I've put up with a lot, and yes at times it got crappy,
But I have to draw the line when he started wearing a nappy.
All: Started wearing a nappy!


The Competitive Eating Rock Out

(Episode A1.09)

Tom Walker:
I love to eat, it's my competition,
Will you sign my competitive eating petition?
I love eating till my tongue is numb,
What am I eating? It is your mum!
Cal Wilson:
Don't care about nutrition, don't care about the taste,
I am competitive, no food goes to waste.
I eat and eat and eat and eat some more,
I eat so much I can't fit out my own front door!
Steen Raskopoulos:
I am from the place called UNICEF,
And I'm gonna tell you I'm feeling quite upset,
You're wasting a lot of food for a lot of people who are poor,
But... nah just joking. Eat some more!
Go on, you got another forty left in ya!
Tegan Higginbotham:
Well I told this guy that I liked eating knobs,
And poor thing, he misunderstood me and thought I meant blow jobs.
The whole time I swear I was just talking about butter,
But hell I've decided to do it, I'm gonna get my slut on.
All: Gonna get my slut on!


The Eating Cheese For Breakfast Rock Out

(Episode A1.07)

Tom Walker:
I wake up, yeah in the morning,
Walking down to a cafe with an awning.
What do I want? Hold the toast,
Give me just the cheese that I love the most.
Oh no, I spent all day shitting.
Bridie Connell:
I have lots of regrets, but the one regret the most is,
Starting my day with a grilled cheese toastie,
I feel so weird, I'm starting to wiltin',
Never ever start your day with stilton!
Rhys Darby:
Cheese please, on my plate,
I like big cheese, I think it's great,
I'll have it at night time, lunch as well,
But my favourite time is breakfast cos cheese is swell.
Steen Raskopoulos:
I'm feeling kinda sick yeah I'm feeling kind of ill,
Excuse me waiter can I have the bill?
I'm feeling quite sick and I'm feeling quite spent,
Oh shit I just ate cheese and I'm lactose intolerant.
All: Lactose intolerant!


The Excel Rock Out

(Episode A1.05)

Cal Wilson:
Well you can keep your Facebook, you can go with your tweets,
Cos the thing I really love is to spread my sheets,
I don't like you yeah, you can go to hell,
Cos when I'm with my spreadsheets I really excel.
Susie Youssef:
I get kinda crazy, believe what you heard,
But my favourite thing it's not Microsoft Word.
Let me tell you this now, MYOB,
I'd like those spreadsheets to BYO me.
Rhys Darby:
I've got a computer, I work on it.
I do stuff on my computer.
... I'm writing stuff down.
Steen Raskopoulos:
Well I am a nerd and I will say it proud,
I don't care who's listening I'll scream it loud,
My guilty pleasure, eh, be warned,
Because spreadsheets is definitely my porn.
All: Definitely my porn!


The Moisturise Every Day Rock Out

(Episode A1.04)

Tommy: What's some advice that your mother gave you?... Don't stick it in your ear, haha! Moisturise every day, let's go with moisturise every day. Assless Chaps are you ready? Oh yeah! Let's rock out about moisturising every day.

Tom Walker:
I got skin, that doesn't crack,
Because I put moisturiser on my back,
Oh yeah I've heard that it goes well on the rear,
I took my mum's advice and didn't put moisturiser in my ear.
Bridie Connell:
You know it brings tears to my eyes,
When I see somebody who does not moisturise,
So I've got some advice, do not fight us,
Moisturise or you might end up with dermatitis.
Steen Raskopoulos:
Here's some free advice I just wanted to say,
You should bloody moisturise every single day.
You might think it's not fun at all, because... it's not.
Get a better f***ing hobby mate. Get a better f***ing hobby at you.
Tegan Higginbotham:
A boy broke up with me and my heart was achy-breaky,
He told me that it was because my skin was too flaky,
My hair was falling everywhere, yeah things were quite rough,
Upstairs and down below I also had dandruff.
All: Also had dandruff!


The Nudie Runs Rock Out

(Episode A1.08)

Rhys Darby:
I'm funny, I'm quite the card,
When I run baby I'm hard.
Sometimes I take my clothes off,
Nudie run, showing myself off yeah!
Bridie Connell:
You know what never makes me fail to say hooray,
Is going for a run in my lingerie,
But here's a tip for your next nudie run,
Don't invite your mum.
Steen Raskopoulos:
I'm feeling quite sore, today,
I bet your wondering things so I will say,
I did a nudie run I broke the law,
You can see from my limp that my cock was scraping the floor.
Oh. It's huge...
Susie Youssef:
My body's good, my body's beaut,
I look awful good in my birthday suit.
When I'm running it's clothes I'm shedding,
But maybe I should not have done it at my sister's wedding.
All: At my sisters wedding!


The Pilot Rock Out

(Episode A1.03)

Susie Youssef:
I make money, more than you get,
And I do it flying up in a jet.
No I'm lyin', that's the way it goes,
I make my money from just taking' off my clothes.
Steen Raskopoulos:
Well I'm a pilot and I fly real high,
I take my business up into the sky,
I could have been a landlord, and work in a pub,
But I prefer when I fly and work in my hottub.
I f**k in planes!
Rhys Darby:
I fly planes, through the sky,
A lot of people ask me, they say "why why why?",
It's for the money, honey, can't you see?
I'm actually a plane. Get on top of me!
Tegan Higginbotham:
Well I'm a pilot and I fly round and round,
But I never actually did any training here on the ground.
Though my employers well they don't really care,
'Cos you guessed it I'm a pilot for Tiger Air.
All: Work for Tiger Air!


The Puberty Rock Out

(Episode A1.02)

Cal Wilson:
Well when I turned 15, I had quite a scare,
Cos I discovered that I was sprouting hair.
Well at puberty, I was quite a noob,
I hope that one day I will grow a pair of boobs.
Bridie Connell:
Oh no, I think I'm reaching puberty,
I look in the mirror, stylin I'm feeling pretty moobedy,
But you know I'm feelin' kinda weird,
Is it normal for a 14 year old girl to have a beard?
Rhys Darby:
I'm still making models, from a kit,
But yesterday I found a zit.
I'm quite happy, I've got all the gear,
Next I'll be getting some yummy dick hair.
Steen Raskopoulos:
(high-pitched) Well I'm a boy and I'm thirteen,
Hello everybody, my name is Steen.
The doctor told me that it would come right now,
(low) There it is, my balls are on the show.
All: My balls are on the show!


The Selling Drugs At School Rock Out

(Episode A1.10)

Tom Walker:
I love doing, drugs for my brain,
Yeah my favourite is cocaine,
I love it, it makes me feel fine,
Got me kicked out of high school and a job on Whose Line.
I got a lot of energy!
Bridie Connell:
Well I am the parent liaison for Year 8,
And each morning you can find me selling weed at the gate.
But if you want some speed,
Come to primary school, I sell that to the year 3s.
Fun fact!
Steen Raskopoulos:
My name is Timmy, come and see me after class,
If you'd like to taste the sweetest grass.
How much do you want to pay for it? Cough cough,
Hey man, I might be 13 years old but that's a f**kin' rip off.
Susie Youssef:
Selling drugs at school, yeah that's my scene,
Everything but mostly methamphetamine.
Oh I'm just kidding, I like to rock out,
And the reason I got expelled, cos I got my cock out.
All: Cos I got cock out!