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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

March

The Bankers March
The Childbirth March
The Collecting Typewriters March
The Dog Sledding March
The Hang-gliding March
The Surveyor March
The Taxidermy March
The Traffic Jams March
The Vegetables March
The Weddings March


The Bankers March

(Episode 3.05)

Clive: Banker, I think there's a possibility for a rhyme or two. There'll be penalty points for anything too obvious on this one, Tony. So, can you start please Tony? Keeping off the obvious rhymes, and away you go.
Tony Slattery:
Oh fiscal things are sweet to me, in many ways they're honey,
Yes my life centres around lots and lots of money,
Oh money, money, money, I don't need wit,
To be a banker you need to be a duplicitous git.
Sandi Toksvig:
We had a cashier in our bank, well she couldn't do any counting.
Which is really difficult but she was very good at mounting.
So instead of making her into a bank teller,
We put her by a lamppost, and set up trying to sell her.
Colin Mochrie:
I love the feel of money, it's so crisp in banks.
I like the smell of dollars, of pounds, of francs.
.... Instrumental!
Mike McShane:
I'm dating a woman, the woman is a banker,
She's damn good to me, I'd really like to thank her.
She lets me make deposits every day and every night,
An early withdrawal's a penalty, but for me it's alright.
I've got lots to put in the vault,
Just because I'm loaded, it's really not my fault.
But I don't think I could find an enemy in the worst or the best,
'Cause she always charges me with interest.


The Childbirth March

(Episode 4.02)

Greg Proops:
Oh I'm an obstretrician, I'm strong and I'm true,
I deliver babies for you and you and you.
A woman came in yesterday, she was so very fat,
It turned out she didn't have a baby, she'd swallowed a cat.
Paul Merton:
Oh my wife just had a baby yesterday,
I was so happy that I decided to go away,
I went 25 miles, to another town,
And when I got back, the baby was upside-down.
Ryan Stiles:
I am a nervous doctor, this is a first for me,
I'll make sure to wash all my hands.
Then I'll dip in up to my elbows,
I'm the best in the land.
Josie Lawrence:
Well I'm a little baby, and I scared mum to distraction,
'Cause I popped out, whoosh, on her first contraction.
Everyone around was very overawed,
As I hung on to the umbilical cord.


The Collecting Typewriters March

(Episode 3.07)

Jim Sweeney:
A tippity-tip, a tippity-tip, a flash on the space key,
Typewritin' for every day, that's what I do, that's me.
Typewritings great, it's absolutely the best thing in the world,
Now I know that I'm really not going to find a rhyme.
Steve Steen:
One hundred and fifty typewriters I play upon with ease,
One hundred and fifty typewriters, all with the bloody same keys,
Now what do you make of that, I say, and when I put in the paper,
I often wish I'd changed my mind and become a nice little draper.
Paul Merton:
I'm a bit of a lover, I'm not a fighter,
That's why I love the old typewriter,
I'm a messy eater, I have food and when I do I spill it down the front of myself and that's why when I start getting carried away with things I put a bib on,
And my favourite part of the typewriter is the ribbon.
Mike McShane:
Hheeeeeyyyapp.
Shift, space, shift, space, shift, space, shift, space,
I'm an instructor of typewriters,
I make sure they do a good job,
I take the common man, I give him a typing plan,
And I make him a fancy typing yob.
I've got millions of typewriters in my building,
Some are German, some are French and some are Yank,
When I have them work on their exercises upon,
The typewriter I have them spell the word "wank".


The Dog Sledding March

(Episode 3.12)

Josie Lawrence:
I have a strange hobby, a hobby that's all mine,
I like doing things with a particular canine.
Yes that's what I do, and yes that's what I said,
I like to put my doggie in its own little sled.
I take him to the hilltop, I make him go right down,
My dog he doesn't like it, he starts a nasty frown.
But I just say "Oh doggie, please shut up, tush, tush",
Then I put him upon my sled and then I go "Hey, mush".
Ryan Stiles:
People think the way I have dogs, the way I arrange,
They think that I am a weird guy, they think that I am strange.
I don't know what it is, I think I'm rather lucky,
When you get a dog in the sled you really have ...
Colin Mochrie:
I had a dog that pulled the sled, he wasn't very fleet.
So I took my gun and I shot him in the feet.
Two years later, he came back with the law,
And said he was looking for the guy who shot his paw.
Mike McShane:
I'm a world class champion dogsledder,
When it comes to dogsledding there really is none better.
I have a team of huskies, I tell them "Mush and go",
And they plow through proudly, and bravely through the snow.
I can't get enough of sledding.
It's better than feathered down bedding.
But one thing that really gets me going for my yaya,
Is whipping up a twelve-pack of chihuahuas!


The Hang-gliding March

(Episode 3.03)

Jim Sweeney:
A march, march, march, march, that's what we hang-gliders do,
March, march, march, march, you certainly would too.
We glide all day, we have such fun, it's great fun by the pound,
Until we forget how to land, and hit the bloody ground.
Sandi Toksvig:
I like to go up high, into the sky,
But there's one thing that's very unpleasant. I don't think anything's going to rhyme with unpleasant actually.
It only happens very occasionally, it only happens to some,
But every time I go up, I get a draught up me bum.
Paul Merton:
Oh I love hang-gliding, I do it every day,
I sometimes go up in the air, and sometimes I go to Brae,
Which is near a place I used to live when I was but a boy,
Hang-gliding's not a hobby, it's more a sort of big toy.
Mike McShane:
I'm an adventurer, I like to keep my many many days filled,
By becoming a member of the blind hang-flyers guild.
I like to go up in the air, though I can't see a thing,
I loft off a cliff on a prayer and a wing,
Flying left or right, I really can't tell,
I have no idea is heaven up, or whether down is hell,
But when I reach the end of it, I land up with a flash,
And make a perfect three point crash.


The Surveyor March

(Episode 3.09)

Tony Slattery:
I'm a boring surveyor, my life is full of bricks,
Stones and brickwork and sometimes sticks,
I'm not very trustworthy,
Why don't you give me all your bloody money.
Sandi Toksvig:
I've noticed that surveyors are nearly always men,
You see them here, you see them there, you see them sometimes then,
But men are very good at it, well actually ...
No, start again. I'll start again. I've got the hang of it now. I can't believe we do this for a living.
Clive: Not for much longer...!
Sandi: I've noticed that surveyors are nearly always men,
I'll tell you wherefore, and I'll probably tell you when.
It's because when a man says it's big, he mean it's small,
'Cause men don't know the size of anything at all.
Colin Mochrie:
I have this little instrument, I look into the hole,
I look across the country at a guy with a pole,
And sometimes take my clothes off, and frolic in the sand,
And then I try to get myself a little lay of the land.
Mike McShane:
I'm a sneezing surveyor, part of the guild,
When my nose is full then I know my job is filled.
I look through the hole and I give a mighty blow,
I turn a small bridge into an archipela - gee -o.
Yes I like to plumb it, with my little plumb,
And when I sneeze it swings back and forth and makes a nasty hum,
I've worked for fifteen years, I've never got any better,
And now I should be ending this song 'cause I can't think of anything better.


The Taxidermy March

(Episode 3.16)

Josie Lawrence:
I love animals, because I'm kind of rough,
There is not an animal in the world I wouldn't like to stuff,
You see that I love animals, one thing I'd love to do,
Is invite you round, I'll get some paper, and then I can stuff you.
Two, three, four.
Greg Proops:
I am a rabbit, my life is in a rut,
'Cause I sit on a wooden plaque all day with a metal rod up my butt.
Sandi Toksvig:
My dog he is very unhappy, he sits upon my bed,
He's very, very sad, mainly because he's dead.
I stuffed him up the bum with little bits of tile,
I think it really hurt, but he's got a heck of a smile.
Mike McShane:
I'm an icthyotaxidermist, I like to stuff large fish,
A flounder or a trout, is my solemn oath or wish.
I like the little sardines, the anchovies give me a thrill,
But stuffing lots of plankton's hard, it's hard to keep it still.


The Traffic Jams March

(Episode 4.03)

Jim Sweeney:
I am a very keen driver, I've been driving for years.
Listening to the radio, I couldn't believe my ears,
There's another traffic jam, but I'll remain defiant,
I'll bump them out of the way in my little Robin Reliant.
Paul Merton:
I drive along the motorway, looking here and there,
And every so often, I just don't have a care.
I find myself stuck in a traffic jam... Oh no, got to start again.
Clive: It was going so well!
Paul: Got too many words. Not that it matters.
I'm driving along the motorway, looking everywhere,
And I drive along with such a happy, easy-going air.
And I find that when I'm at the traffic light,
Everything is sort of okay, well it's sort of alright, really.
Steve Steen:
I was in a traffic jam, stuck in my little car,
I honked and I hooted but I wasn't getting far.
It really caused me to get in a terrible pickle,
Next time I think I'll take my mo-tor-cickle.
Tony Slattery:
I hate being stationary in traffic, I really hate being still,
I'd like to speed along on the top of a hill,
I'd like to race down and dive into a pond,
And on the way kill bloody Noel Edmond.


The Vegetables March

(Episode 5.03)

Jim Sweeney:
I like to go out shopping, I do it every day.
I shop over here, and I shop the other way.
I buy lots of things, but I never buy veg,
Because it's sold by a man called Reg.
Steve Steen:
I hate everything, everything that's green,
All kinds of vegetables to me are obscene.
I wouldn't spend all day working on a plot,
No, quite frankly, I'd feel a bit of a twat.
Paul Merton:
I hate vegetables, I wish they would all finish,
But amongst the vegetables I really hate is spinach.
I hate all kinds of vegetables, I hate every single one,
And if I had the right to get rid of them, I probably would, really, you know...
Tony Slattery:
I've got an aversion of vegetables, they really make me puke,
Except for one tomato, I like him, he's called Luke.
But the biggest pair of vegetables, that really make me sick,
Are the two from "Good Morning with Anne and Nick".


The Weddings March

(Episode 4.01)

Jim Sweeney:
I'm going to get married, yes get married very soon.
And then we're off to Europe, to go on the honeymoon.
We'll be leaving quite early, off one day from Dover,
As soon as I get rid of this bloody great... hangover.
Steve Steen:
I'm going to get married, I'm married at my Church,
I'm going to get married to the prettiest wife I know.
I'm going to get there and as soon as I arrive,
I;m going to fall down 'cause I'm pissed, I'll take a dive.
Stephen Frost:
I'm a little bridesmaid, I like to catch the flowers,
I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours!
I've got a lovely frock on, it's made of silk ... and silk,
And after I've drank all the champagne I'll have a glass of milk.
Tony Slattery:
I got married yesterday, I had an awful time,
I drank two bottles of crappy British wine.
I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can,
Because I don't like her, I like the best man.