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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Gospel

The America Gospel
The Bus Driver Gospel
The Cake Decorating Gospel
The Lawyers Gospel
The Milkman Gospel
The Needlepointing/Sewing Gospel
The Plastic Surgery Gospel
The Train Spotting Gospel
The Woodwork/Carpentry Gospel


The America Gospel

(Episode 3.08) - Greg Proops, Tony Slattery, Sandi Toksvig and Mike McShane.

Greg Proops:
Heaven must be in the U.S.A.!
I said, heaven must be in the U.S.A.!
'Cause we got Ronald McDonald and we'll always keep it that way.
Tony Slattery:
I'd like to be in America, yeah, everything is so big,
I'd go down from Chile, through the Earth I'd dig.
I want to be a Yankee,
But whoo, some things in America are really wanky.
Sandi Toksvig:
Ah, brothers and sisters! I have heard the voice of the Lord!
I have been to see the Lord!
I have been to see a throat specialist!
And I'm telling you, brothers and sisters, that we are going to be saved in the American way!
And how are we going to do it? Send money!

Mike McShane:
I've been told that my life is hell and pain,
But my personal heaven has got four lanes.
I can drive as fast as I want,
And Jesus runs a road-side restaurant.
Yeah, heaven is called the U.S.A.,
Yeah, let me tell you!
Heaven's got to be in the U.S.A.!


The Bus Driver Gospel

(Episode 3.13) - Christopher Smith, Sandi Toksvig, Jim Meskimen and Mike McShane.

Christopher Smith:
My soul it was divided,
My soul it had been broken.
But it all was mended,
One sunny afternoon by the Lord's token.
Sandi Toksvig:
I'm going to try and sing a gospel song,
But please forgive me if I get it wrong.
I'm feeling a little skittish,
That's because I am British.
But I'll tell you this, I love you Lord, in the teeth,
It's much more comfortable than being loved from underneath.
Jim Meskimen:
I'm standing, waiting for you by the side of the road,
Rain is coming down, but I'm waiting for you by the side of the road.
Can't wait till you lift me up with my heavy load,
'Cause I'm waiting, waiting for you Lord by the side of the road.
Mike McShane:
Get up on this bus, it's going to heaven,
Get a bus, God, the seven to eleven.
I'm driving straight past the Pearly Gates,
You'd better not smoke and don't be late.
I'm gonna truckle down the bus all the way to heaven,
You'd better have your ticket,
Or you're going to just have to walk.


The Cake Decorating Gospel

(Episode 3.01) - Greg Proops, Jim Sweeney, Tony Slattery and Josie Lawrence.

Greg Proops:
Heaven is a biscuit way up above,
Heaven is a biscuit way up above, (Josie: Tell it right, brother!)
And when Jesus comes down,
He's going to squirt it with his heavenly love.
With his love.
Jim Sweeney:
Every day I like to bake big cake for the Lord above,
I cover that cake and all in it with never-ending love. Decorating cakes is my life, it is it,
I'm what you call a sad and lonely git,
Baking cakes.
Josie: Sing your song, brother!
Tony Slattery:
Oh, I like cakes, you know I find them enticing.
I like to take my clothes off and cover my body with icing.
I do it because you know, whoo, I can,
Take my body down with marzipan.
Greg: Sing it, girlfriend!
Josie Lawrence:
Ooh, Lord's heavenly love, it makes me feel so merry,
'Cause we are all bakin in the Lord's cake and the Lord he is the cherry.
Oh he'll take your sins and confiscate it,
And then he will decorate it.
And pretty soon you will find that he's covered you with hundreds and thousands.
All:
He's covered you, he's covered you,
In hundreds and thousands.


The Lawyers Gospel

(Episode 3.11) - John Sessions, Greg Proops, Mark Cohen and Mike McShane.

John Sessions:
You gotta watch L.A. Law.
You gotta watch L.A. Law.
It's got the blandest colours,
You ever saw.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Greg Proops:
My name's Perry Mason, I never lose a case.
Everybody's always waiting (Mark: Always waiting!), for telling to sit on my...
I'm in power, out on the job,
I'm doing the work of the Lord, I never lose a case.
Mike & Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Mark Cohen:
Well I'm in a lot of trouble, let me tell you so. (Greg: Tell me, bro!)
I'm going to jail Lord, that's where I'm going to go.
I went out and smoked some leaf,
And now I'm part of a lawyer's brief,
Oh Lord.
Mike McShane:
I'm sorry Lord, what have I done?
Was I born on the wrong side of the street, I been havin' too much fun?
I thought I was a giver, not a taker,
You made me the lawyer for Reverend Jim Baker.
Oh yeah, no way, yeah!
I can't win-a 'cause I ain't got, (Mark: I'm with you brother!)
I ain't got a chance.
All: In hell!


The Milkman Gospel

(Episode 3.14) - John Sessions, Archie Hahn, Ryan Stiles and Mike McShane.

John Sessions:
The Lord says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.
He says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.
You can have a gold, silver, and a green and red at Christmas,
Then you can reach the mountain top. (Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooohh!)
Can reach the mountain top.
Archie Hahn:
Well, what's the best darn food on earth? Milk, milk, milk!
What's the best darn fabric in the world? Silk, silk, silk!
If you don't drink your milk, you can't wear your silk,
Later on. Hey, hey, hey!
Ryan Stiles:
Hmmm... Oh milk is a dairy product, just like butter.
It just don't show up in the store, you gotta go squeeze some udder.
Oh, everyone likes milk, even Sonny Bono,
As a matter of fact I think his favourite is homo.
A sah. Oooh, I'm talking milk.
Mike McShane:
Yeah, ooh, I praise Jesus, I made it through another day! (Archie: Another day!)
The sun is shining, I'm alright, my soul it feels okay. (Archie: It feels okay!)
I open my door, I don't believe it,
There's a a-sweet milk and the love of Jesus.
I take the milk and I pour it on the cornflakes of my life. (Ryan: Oh oh oh.)
I take, I, I take the sweet cream of Jesus, (Ryan: Whoah oh oh)
And pour it on the cornflakes ... (Ryan & Archie: Oh oh ay ay ay ooh)
Come with me on this!
All: Of love!


The Needlepointing/Sewing Gospel

(Episode 3.04) - Josie Lawrence, Paul Merton, Julian Clary and Mike McShane.

Josie: Oooohhhh.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Josie: Ooohooohooo.
Josie Lawrence:
My life was really down, I was feeling oh so low. (Mike: Testify!)
Until an angel appeared to me and taught me how to sew.
Yeah life was just a void to me,
Until I learned embroidery.
Ooohhh, whoo, yeah.
Sing your song brother!
Paul Merton:
Oh, I'm knitting for the Lord, yes I am.
Jumpers, suits socks and skirts, yes I am.
All forms of knitwear I give to the Lord.
Why I'll even got knit me a shawl. Oh yeah.
Julian Clary:
(speaking)
Well, I've got a little needle pack that travels with me where I go. Everywhere, that I go.
It's got needles, it's got cotton, it's got a little thimble. Which is handy.
If you lose a button when you're out shopping, you can sew it back on.
I think it's a boon.
Mike McShane:
I've been trying to figure out life.
Full of pain, and full of strife.
I've told myself, what's the needlepoint?
Is Jesus a crochet or is he Afghan?
Oh Lord, does he have a masterplan?
Oh Jesus, give me the weave of life.
All: Oh Jesus, give me the weave of life!


The Plastic Surgery Gospel

(Episode 10.10) - Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles.

Brad Sherwood:
I'm trying to look much better, I've had a few things done,
I've had a breast enlargement, and had some liposuction.
You see I've had some specially sculpted hips,
And then I had the fat from my butt injected in my lips.
Wayne Brady:
I remember the day that was some time last September,
I wanted to change my appearance, like a Jackson family member.
Because I've wanted this all, all my life, brother!
I'd be just like Michael Jackson, and lighten up my colour. Scrape!
Colin Mochrie:
Get behind me Satan! Get out of my life!
I'm a plastic surgeon for the Lord, you're goin' under the knife!
I'm gonna cut you up, and cut your heart, and cut your tail too,
Then I'll do something with your eyes, it'll take 50 years off of you!
Ryan Stiles:
Livin' in America, oh boy, is it funny,
You can get the plastic surgery, if you've got the money.
And if you don't like it, when it's finally done,
Remember you're an American, you can kill your doctor with a gun!
All: You can kill your doctor,
You can kill your doctor,
With a gun. (Wayne: With a big old gu-un!)


The Train Spotting Gospel

(Episode 3.02) - Josie Lawrence, Mark Cohen, Tony Slattery and Mike McShane.

Josie: Ooooohhhh.
Mike: Yeeeaaah.
Josie: Hallelujah!
Josie Lawrence:
Oh I've found a new vocation,
My train is pulling in to God's holy station.
Oh oh oh, let the good prevail,
'Cause I was once a sinner, yes I was off the rails.
Mark Cohen:
Now I watch the trains, Lord, rolling down the track, (Mike: Oh yeah!)
I'm gonna get myself on that train, and I ain't going back. (Josie: Ooh!)
I'm gonna go from the top to the bottom, go down to the funnel,
And then I'll be, can't see nothing, 'cause I'm in the train tunnel.
Josie: From within, boy!
Tony Slattery:
I like watching trains, yeah, I think I'm really slick. You know what I'm saying?
I'm really boring, I'm a boring little prick.
Because I like my trains to be votive,
Whoo, I make love like a locomotive.
Mike & Josie: Yeah!
Mike McShane:
I was stranding in Heaven's station, waiting for the big ride.
Jesus was the conductor, he pulled up, said "Hop on in my freight car",
I was riding the train, don't you know it's a pity,
That the train to hell is an inter city.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Josie: The train is,
All: The train is ... inter city!


The Woodwork/Carpentry Gospel

(Episode 3.06) - Josie Lawrence, Denalda Williams, Sandi Toksvig and Mike McShane.

Josie Lawrence:
Oooooooooohhhh whooohooooheeaaa.
Oh, I am so happy, and I am so glad,
'Cause I started to do carpentry, just like Jesus's dad,
I'll no more be a sinner, I'll always try to be good,
'Cause I'm a carpenter for Jesus and I've got me some wood. Oh yeah.
Denalda Williams:
Hail the Lord, he won't let me fail,
'Cause he gave me a hammer, and he gave me a nail.
I don't care, it's God's law,
If they get it on with the saw. Ooh.
Sandi Toksvig:
Stand up people! I want you to settle down!
I want you all to be a woodworker for the Lord!
So, we're going to say together brothers, we're going to say:
"I am a piece of wood!"
Are you ready, brothers and sisters?

Sandi & Audience: I am a piece of wood!
Sandi: And therefore I won't sing, even though I could.
Mike McShane:
Satan is a mighty oak and I am a beaver,
I nibble away at sin all day, I'm a long-toothed furry believer.
I don't care, I don't care where I am,
I dig the good God's dam.
I'm building God's dam, building God's dam all day.
Building God's dam all day.
Josie: You're gonna...
All: Build God's dam, all day.