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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


1999 Twiglet Results


Well over 200 votes were received for the 1999 Twiglet Awards!
Congratulations to all the winners, and read the transcript to see them accept their awards!

Listed below are the nominees, number of votes cast, % of the total vote, and a graphical rep.


THE GOLDEN TWIGLET & HALL OF FAME AWARD FOR BEST CONTESTANT

WINNER: COLIN MOCHRIE
Last year: Ryan Stiles
 
Wayne Brady
23%

Mike McShane
6%

Paul Merton
  8%

Colin Mochrie
47%

Greg Proops
16%

With Ryan out of the running as last year's winner, this was almost a one-horse race - congratulations to Colin! However, Wayne and Greg both had quite a last-minute comeback, and look set to battle it out for next years' award.


THE REPLAY TWIGLET FOR BEST GAME

WINNER: SCENES FROM A HAT
Last year: Party Quirks
 
Film & Theatre Styles
12%

Hoedown
20%

Home Shopping
  3%

Let's Make A Date
  9%

Scenes From A Hat
36%

Secret
  3%

World's Worst
17%

The variety and great 'quick lines' that it provides for makes SFAH the winner here. Hoedown also shows a marked improvement from its showing on 'worst game' last year.


THE BARTENDER'S AWARD FOR BEST SONG

WINNER: HOEDOWN - GOING BALD (Brad/Drew/Colin/Ryan)
Last year: Bartender - In Love With The Bartender
 
Bartender - Queen Roy's Garden Party (Ryan/Mike)
  2%

Duet - Cat Litter Tray (Josie/Mike)
5%

Hoedown - Colin Mochrie (Greg/Phil/Colin/Ryan)
26%

Hoedown - Going Bald (Brad/Drew/Colin/Ryan)
27%

Psychiatrist - Armadillos (Colin/Josie)
  4%

Rock Opera - Carpentry (Josie/Mike/Tony/Paul)
  8%

Song Styles - Barry White to Ashley (Wayne)
14%

Song Styles - Rock Love Ballad to Nuroshi (Brad)
14%

This was one FIERCE battle. The two Hoedowns, possibly a major contribution in the increased popularity of the game this year, were neck and neck all the way. In the end, only two votes separated them. Not to mention Ashley and Nuroshi, who also managed to end up exactly level! Though it does seem a shame that the classic days of Bartenders and Psychiatrists are almost a fading memory...


THE COMPILATED TWIGLET FOR BEST INDIVIDUAL GAME

WINNER: PRESS CONFERENCE - HAVING CLIVE'S LOVE CHILD (Colin)
Last year: Party Quirks (In love with cameras, all 7 dwarves, animals crossing the road)
 
Expert Translation - Volvos (Paul/Josie)
11%

F&TS - Top Gun Pilot & Mechanic (Steve/Greg)
  3%

Foreign Film Dub - "Farewell My Porcupine" (Tony/Ryan/Colin/Steve)
  3%

Home Shopping - Keys/Lint/Old Asparagus (Ryan/Colin)
  9%

LMAD - Clinton/Army Ants/Masochist (Wayne/Greg/Colin/Ryan)
17%

Party Quirks - Goalie/Penis/Baby learning to walk (Tony/Josie/Steve/Ryan)
21%

Press Conference - having Clive's love child (Colin)
30%

World's Worst - person to visit you in hospital (Ron/Ryan/Colin/Greg)
  6%

A fairly close race, but the baldness and neck jokes (plus that wonderful moment when Colin starts to get the hang of it) pull that Press Conference to the lead. Ryan's 'baby learning to walk' also works for the party quirks, and Paul's horse obsession has won the old Expert Translation a solid fourth place.


THE "OH HA HA" TWIGLET FOR FUNNIEST MOMENT

WINNER: TONY'S "F*** OFF!!!!"
Last year: Tony realises Rory is imitating him.
 
Colin's "you are all insane" look (Colin hoedown)
17%

Colin realises he's having Clive's love child (Press Conference)
  6%

Greg & Caroline touch each other up in ballet (F&TS)
  3%

Greg & Ryan 'kiss' (Dead Bodies)
16%

Ryan as an expert on taxidermy (Expert)
7%

Tony splits his pants (Film Trailer)
24%

Tony's F*** Off! (Party Quirks)
27%

A back-to-back win for Tony (1998/99). But hardly surprising given his wacky and intensive approach to guessing the party quirks! And his over-enthusiasm in Film Trailer also gives him a close 2nd place! Meanwhile, Dead Bodies kisses are always good for a laugh, Colin can react like nobody, and Ryan's taxidermist remains a greatly memorable moment.


THE WHOSE TWIGLET FOR THE FUNNIEST LINE

WINNER: Ryan: "ONE OF US MIGHT NOT COME BACK ALIVE." Colin: "I HOPE IT'S YOU!"
Last Year: "This Courtroom is a Mochrie!"
 
Drew: "Are you my mommy.... if  had a nickel for every time I heard that!"
  7%

Greg: "Hey, who invited the chicks?"
  8%

Ryan: "Is it ok if I scream my own name?"
15%

Mike: "I love it when you use me as a split-screen montage"
  4%

Greg: "I want to take all the holes in you and seal them over... the EMOTIONAL holes, this is a hospital drama, not a Swedish porn film. You people get your minds out of the gutter... who let these people into the operating theatre?"
14%

Colin: "Kiss me like you've never kissed an anchor before" 10%
Ryan: "One of us might not come back alive." Colin: "I hope its you!" 25%
Steve Steen (Beethoven):  "Pardon?"   2%
Greg: "Wait! Someone's coming in my ear!" 10%
Paul: "What are you doing with that squeezie bottle?"   4%
Ryan (Gepetto): "You're made of wood! You can float-a like a boat-a!"   1%

A great joke from Ryan and Colin takes the award (now used twice in the show - did that give it an advantage?!). A weird and worrying comment from Ryan comes second, with Greg's rant in a close third. Good to see some other contestants getting a look in here with their great lines. This section always prompts some good memories and thoughts on just how quick the contestants can be with their quips sometimes. As Clive said, "Ah, ha ha ... who invited the chicks, indeed..."


THE DEEP SEA NAZI CAPTAIN'S TWIGLET FOR BEST CREDIT READING

WINNER: COLIN SNAPS AND SAYS WHAT HE REALLY THINKS TO RYAN
Last year: As Tony
 
Colin snaps and says what he really thinks to Ryan 34%
Drunk Australian Soap Opera Actor (Tony) 23%
Elvis Costello (Greg)   3%
In as many positions as possible (Colin)   9%
Making as many faces as possible (Colin)   6%
Movie producers pitching an idea to the studio boss (Ryan/Greg) 11%
Television evangelist (Mike)   6%
Two bickering brothers (Ryan/Greg)   8%

"You big tall goof! Somebody check his Visa! He's here illegally! He told me!". A rant by Colin takes out the award, while a strong second place was won by Tony without a single word! Another memorable classic fast-talking reading brings up 3rd place ("He's a deep sea nazi captain, but he flies... and then Dan Patterson swoops in and kills everybody... it's a happy ending!") followed by physical comedy barely holding 4th.


THE DRUNKEN SOAP STAR FOR WORST CREDIT READING

WINNER: TWO TEENAGE BOYS (Josie & Caroline)
Last year: Any John Sessions
 
New York Cab Driver (Peter Cook)
23%

Sean Connery (John Sessions)
22%

Sports Announcer (Archie Hahn)
  10%

Testing a Roller Coaster (Ryan/Colin)
9%

Two Teenage Boys (Josie/Caroline)
36%

Some shockers here, though there are some not nominated that could have been worse! :) I have to agree on this one, they that's the only nominee that, for me, sparks strong memories of failure. Although the sports announcer did take about 2 minutes after the credits to finish...


THE AUDIENCE-SUGGESTED TWIGLET FOR BEST WHOSE LINE LINE

WINNER: "YOU MUST DANCE FOR ME WHILE I NAME SOME VEGETABLES!"
Last year: "Take me, Big Boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!"
 
"Always keep a jellyfish in your handbag"
9%

"Bad sneakers and a pinata, my friend!"
  6%

"Dip it in gin and reduce the swelling!"
  6%

"Does it usually throb like that?"
21%

"Lick my earlobe and call me mama!"
12%

"Will You Marry Me?"
  6%

"You must dance for me while I name some vegetables!"
22%

"You think more of that damn monkey than you do of me!"
18%

A close competition here with only 2 votes separating 1st and 2nd places. Surrealism rules again, with sexual innuendo beaten into second place (oo err...).


THE GREG PROOPS 'BEST PUT-DOWN' TWIGLET

WINNER: "DON'T CRY. YOU'RE NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ACTOR!" (Colin)
Last year: "No luck then?" (Paul at a weight watcher's party)
 
Clive: "Can you not use large words - they're confusing our American friends".
10%

Colin: "Don't cry. You're not that good of an actor!"
30%

Colin: "He had a face like a collapsed lung."
  7%

Greg: "Hi, i have my own ABC sitcom... Lewis!  Lewis!"
12%

Paul: "Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubbles?"
  9%

Clive: "I've had a lot of practice with this finger"
  4%

Colin: "I've never seen anyone do sound effects as good as that!"
  5%

Greg: "When's it gonna end, huh?  The Agression?"
Clive: "When you give us  our colonies back..."
  12%

Greg: "Who are you listening to!...'A JAM SHORTAGE'?..."
11%

Despite having it named after him, Greg again loses out on the award, though he and Clive both got many votes out of their insult-filled banter. Paul is again represented, but it's Colin with his quick lines in games like Greatest Hits who has jumped forward to win the award this year.


THE STILL UNTITLED TWIGLET FOR BEST PROP USE

WINNER: "HEY GIANT, STOP PEEING ON THE ALPS" (Colin, yellow triangle)
Last year: "How many scoops?" "500!" (Ryan & Colin, giant cone)
 
"Hey giant, stop peeing on the alps!" (Colin, yellow triangle)
25%

"Now, son, I know it's hard, but please remember where you buried your mother in the sand." (Ryan, two bumps)
21%

"Push Mrs. Johnson" (Colin & Wayne/Brad, circles)
22%

"Shirley Bassey put your clothes on!" (Tony, mop)
  8%

"Some people are embarrased by an outie." (Colin, ?)
  10%

"Welcome to the portable easy-gym." (Tony, washing line)
  5%

"Your elephant's got a temperature of 106..." (Ryan, giant crayon)
  9%

A great quip from Colin takes this one out, with the Colin/Ryan pair dominating. Newcomers Brad and Wayne have some input, but it's Tony Slattery who reminds us of some memorable props moments from the earlier series.


THE 'HATS' TWIGLET FOR BEST HAIR

WINNER: COLIN MOCHRIE
 
Archie Hahn's Ponytail
  0%

Josie Lawrence
12%

Karen Maruyama
8%

Colin Mochrie
29%

Greg Proops
26%

Tony Slattery
  16%

Richard Vranch
  9%

Well... Colin has little to fear about baldness because his hair still rates amongst the best! Greg's curls bring him into second, and Tony in 3rd. Josie and Karen represent the female hairdos, while Richard's many and varied styles earned him quite a few votes. However, no such luch for the ponytail, which has the distinction of being the ONLY nominee in the awards not to receive any votes!


THE 'BIRDS NEST' TWIGLET FOR BEST BEARD

WINNER: MIKE McSHANE
 
Mike McShane
62%

Jonathan Pryce
29%

John Sessions
9%

Not much competition here, Mike's "bird's nest" a clear winner, though Jonathan Pryce polled plenty of votes and John Sessions quite a few too. Interesting to note that all these contestants have appeared both with and without a beard on the show - perhaps beards just aren't popular enough! :)


THE PAUL MERTON 'BEST SMILE' TWIGLET

WINNER: WAYNE BRADY
Last year: Josie Lawrence
 
Clive Anderson
  9%

Wayne Brady
33%

Drew Carey
6%

Laura Hall
22%

Greg Proops
12%

John Sessions
  1%

Tony Slattery
17%

Well done to Wayne, who's clearly stamped his grin onto this year's awards! :) And Laura Hall, without a word, has smiled her way into second place. This was another area of strong competition and both Tony and Greg showed strong comebacks towards the end of the awards.


THE IMPROV IMPROVEMENT AWARD FOR MOST IMPROVED CONTESTANT

WINNER: BRAD SHERWOOD
Last year: Colin Mochrie
 
Wayne Brady
20%

Rory Bremner
  3%

Drew Carey
20%

Steve Frost
11%

Caroline Quentin
  3%

Brad Sherwood
36%

Denny Siegel
  7%

Well, it seems only fair that this award should go to someone who's been on the show over many years, and recently been brought back to great success. I'm not sure about Wayne, I thought he was great to start with, but it's definitely good to see (given the early reviews) that many feel Drew has improved.


THE TWIGLETS TWIGLET FOR BEST PARTY QUIRK

WINNER: FOAL BEING BORN (Ryan)
Last year: All 7 Dwarves
 
A Penis (Josie)
13%

Animals Crossing the Road (Ryan)
7%

Chippendale (Tony)
16%

Experiencing Too Much Gravity (Colin)
  4%

Fireworks Display (Ryan)
  7%

Foal Being Born (Ryan)
41%

Gazelle Being Stalked By A Lion (Ryan)
12%

Obviously a good start to the US version then :) Very much a selection of physical quirks here, which suggests perhaps that they work best (then again, given the worst quirks selection, that's not unexpected!). Congratulations to Ryan for winning AND gaining a majority of the nominations!


THE DOORBELL AWARD FOR WORST PARTY QUIRK

WINNER: THINKS HE'S UNDERWATER (John)
 
Can Only Use Words With 2 Syllables (Paul)
25%

Footballer (Josie)
15%

In Love With Carpets (Jim)
  8%

Must Name A Body Part In Every Sentence (Steve)
13%

Slow Motion Fight (Wayne)
13%

Thinks He's Underwater (John)
26%

Not too surprising here, the winner being John who actually managed to guess his own quirk! Very close 2nd place (3 votes) was Paul's trouble with coming up with 2-syllable words, requiring inventing some of his own ("Hell...lo... ye-es...").


THE WORLD CRISIS MONITOR AWARD FOR BEST SUPERHERO

WINNER: IMPOTENCE BOY (Greg)
Last year: Leg Humping Man
 
Captain Poultry (Colin)
16%

Continuous Unfunny Pun Man (Colin)
24%

Impotence Boy (Greg)
27%

Karma Sutra Boy (Colin)
24%

Rhyming Couplet Kid (Colin)
9%

Oh... so many chances for Colin (who seems to be the master of great superheroes!) and yet Greg's Impotence Boy managed to come first... (sorry!). The next question would be whether to recognise Ryan, or the audience, who are often the ones who dub Colin or Greg these things! :)


THE THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE AWARD FOR WORST SUPERHERO

WINNERS:
NAGGING JEWISH MOTHER WOMAN
TALKS TOO LOUD ABOUT HIS PERSONAL PROBLEMS MAN
 
Junk Man (Greg)
10%

Man Who Says Everything Twice Man (Ryan)
16%

Nagging Jewish Mother Woman (Debi Durst)
23%

Sad Drunk Woman (Catherine O'Hara)
14%

Talks Too Loud About His Personal Problems Man (George Wendt)
23%

Woman Who's Shocked By Everything (Josie)
9%

Zimmer Frame Man (Greg)
  5%

A draw! It seems experience helps, because many of these nominees, including the winners, are one-off or at least rarely seen contestants. Of the regulars, at least Greg's can be attributed to bad audience suggestions! :)


THE REBECCA ALLEN 'BEST COSTUME' TWIGLET

WINNER: GREG PROOPS'S SUITS/JACKETS
Last year: Neon Love Chicken shirt
 
Bird Tie (Colin)
21%

Doc Holliday Outfit (Tony)
19%

Glasses & Tea Cosy (Stephen Fry)
  2%

Leather Jacket (Tony)
  13%

Skull Shirt (Greg)
16%

Suits/Jackets (Greg)
26%

Suspenders (Karen Maruyama)
  3%

Greg's suits/jackets was probably a bit too generic for an item of clothing, but he's certainly seen as a snappy dresser! The bird tie chirrups its way into 2nd place, while Tony's Doc Holliday outfit can't be as bad as was thought... or can it? :)


THE DENISE SIMMONS 'WORST COSTUME' TWIGLET

WINNER: JOSIE LAWRENCE'S PETER PAN OUTFIT
Last year: Debi Durst's Baseball Outfit
 
Braces (Mike)
11%

Cow Vest (Greg)
19%

Doc Holliday Outfit (Tony)
13%

Maroon Sweater (Colin)
  3%

Neon Love Chicken shirt (Ryan)
  10%

Peter Pan Outfit (Josie)
32%

Silver Jacket (Jan Ravens)
12%

Josie was sure dressed for pantomime with this one... unfortunately it seems not to have been practical for much else! Some real fashion victims here, though as always, trying bizarre fashions can earn you both high and low marks - some nominees have appeared in both costume categories, and some people have voted for the same one in each! :)


THE VACANT CHAIR AWARD FOR WORST CONTESTANT

WINNER: DREW CAREY
Last year: John Sessions
 
Drew Carey
35%

Peter Cook
13%

Debi Durst
16%

George McGrath
8%

George Wendt
28%

Well, even Drew admits that he's not the best improviser... so it's probably lucky that's not his main job on the show! As host, he's second to none... well, maybe Clive... :) Coming in second is the man who proved that auditioning is important no matter how big the star - somewhat below the 'norm' on this one... followed by fashion victim Debi Durst and the late great Peter Cook, who never quite settled in to the show on his appearance.


THE FAST FORWARD TWIGLET FOR WORST GAME

WINNER: MOVING PEOPLE
Last year: Authors
 
American Musical
17%

Couples
8%

Moving People
24%

Panel
22%

Rap
18%

Song Titles
11%

Hmmm... an interesting result this one. Moving People has provided some great moments over the years, but it does have a fairly limited life span and recent games haven't been as good as they could. Panel, with only one appearance, was never really a huge success and because of the great set-up time required just didn't fit the show. Then a couple of often uninspiring musical games, and the difficult (and therefore hard to make good) Song Titles.


THE '1999' TWIGLET FOR WORST SONG

WINNER: THE SPACE TRAVEL HOEDOWN
Last year: Any John Sessions
 
Charity Anthem - Pizza Deliverers (Wayne/Brad)
8%

Gospel - Bus Driving (Chris/Sandi/Jim/Mike)
  7%

Gospel - Sewing/Needlepointing (Julian Clary)
15%

Greatest Hits - DIY/Instructions (Brad/Mike)
  2%

Hoedown - Space Travel (George Wendt)
30%

March - Childbirth (Greg/Paul/Ryan/Josie)
9%

Song Styles - "On the M25" (Josie)
22%

Song Styles - Strimmer (Josie)
  7%

The Space Travel Hoedown is fairly typical (Clive jokes, sexual innuendo etc.) but has the rare distinction of having been screened twice in slightly different versions. Unfortunately it is probably brought down by both versions having George Wendt's failed attempt to 'pull a Colin' with the 'dance break' line. Not too far behind is one of Josie's heavy metal songs (that style having been declared bad in last year's awards), in the only-once-tried variation of restricting her to certain starting and ending lines, which did not encourage a great song. After this comes Julian Clary's "I think it's a boon" gospel work which I found quite entertaining... and then some other generic songs which, while not the best in their leagues, inspire more apathy than awfulness.


THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR TWIGLET FOR WORST INDIVIDUAL GAME

WINNER: ALPHABET - DREW IN A RESTAURANT, COMPLAINING TO TEMPERAMENTAL WAITER RYAN
Last year: Any Authors
 
Alphabet - Drew customer/Ryan waiter
23%

American Musical - Puberty/Tea/TV Show (John/Jan/George/Graeme)
  11%

F&S - Greg a fireman/Ardal corporate boss
  3%

Film Dub - Robots (pilot) (Jimmy Mulville/Jon Glover)
  8%

Moving People - Captain Ahab & Moby Dick (Ryan/Colin)
  6%

News Flash - King Kong (Drew)
18%

Panel - Smoking (Peter Cook/Stephen Fry/Josie/John)
19%

Story - "A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss" (George/Jan/Graeme/John)
12%

Early on in the US series begins the new tradition of Drew playing a game with the winner. While I personally wouldn't pick this game as one of the worst in the series, it seems clearly to be an example of how this format hasn't worked (to begin with at least). Competing for 2nd and 3rd are the oft-maligned Panel game which really didn't suit any sort of fast-paced show (though provided at least some good lines from Stephen Fry), and a second example of the end-game. Next come some rather uninspiring games from way back towards the beginning of the show, and then some more recent games that just didn't work.