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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


1998 Twiglets Transcript

The Twiglet awards took place on Friday 22nd January from 10 PM. Like all good (and bad) awards shows, they started late and ran way overtime! But three hours later, the winners had all been announced and everybody could go home :-)

What follows is a transcript of the presentation ceremony which occured in a special #twiglets room on the usual IRC server with many Whosers wonderfully playing the parts of the various contestants (plus some doing so not quite so wonderfully!) :-). The transcript has been edited both to make reading easier, and to cut out a lot of the chit-chat and silliness that took place in the room apart from the ceremony (relevant stuff has been left in!).

Present at the event, in order of 'arrival', were: Clive Anderson (Clive), Rory Bremner (Bremner), Colin Mochrie (Mochrie), Ryan Stiles (Ryan/RStiles), Enn Reitel (EnnReitel), Josie Lawrence (Josie), Greg Proops (GregP), Jim Meskimen (Meskimen), Stephen Fry (SFry), Brad Sherwood (Bradley), Tony Slattery (Tony/tslattery), John Sessions (JSessions), Richard Vranch (Vranch), Mike McShane (MMcShane), Dan Patterson (Patterson/Dan), Drew Carey (Drew), Sandi Toksvig (Toksvig), Paul Merton (Paul), Lee Simpson (LSimpson), Jonathan Pryce (JonPryce), Debi Durst (ddurst), and Paul Merton (Merts)
Plus a voice over guy (VoiceOver), security (Security), and the usual Whosers in the audience (scrmngfan and _Daniel_)

Lines in italics indicate off-stage happenings (that are still relevant enough to remain in!). Some reactions and things have been cut to save a little space :). Oh, and apologies to John. We don't all think you're like that. Really.

PREPARING FOR THE CEREMONY

Bremner:  ...and I don't even have to find a dress to wear to this one!
Clive: You mean you're not wearing anything?
RStiles: I don't even WEAR a dress =o) Unless ....

* Mochrie dons a smart, sharp tuxedo.
* SFry is wearing a tux
* RStiles wears a nice tux
* Josie is in a little black dress
* GregP puts on a sharp-looking suit, as usual
* RStiles also wears the NEON LOVE CHICKEN SHIRT!!! =o)
* Bremner puts on his Tony mask... Brem-joke!

Mochrie: I like this tux! I don't usually wear one!

* SFry fixes his tie
* GregP arrives with a sharp suit and sharper tongue...

EnnReitel: I had to show ID to get my tux... nobody remembered me :(
Bremner: THE TWIGLETS ARE SPONSORED BY... TWIGLETS. THE ORIGINAL KNOBBLY SNACK!

LIVE BROADCAST BEGINS

VoiceOver: Well, welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 1998 Twiglet Awards Presentation Evening. As we see now the nominees coming up the red carpet... Ryan Stiles, and following in his shadow, Colin Mochrie, both nominated for a number of awards tonight.
Ryan: Actually, except for Mike, everyone's in my shadow
VoiceOver: Indeed, you may notice that they have chosen to wear the outfits also nominated for awards tonight - Ryan in his neon love chicken shirt, Colin in his lime jacket...

* Mochrie glares at clive.
GregP: Hey, you chose to wear it, Colin!

VoiceOver: And just being brought out of the limousine now, in a glass display case is the Bird Tie, another item nominated tonight.

* Bremner stares in awe at the magical Bird Tie
* GregP listens ... the bird tie is chirping...

VoiceOver: Greg and Josie also heading up the carpet, John Sessions following them.

* Josie waves
* Josie takes Greg's arm flirtatiously
* GregP waves Josie off, reminding her he's a married man...
* Josie pouts

VoiceOver: But ... oh dear, John's seen our camera...
GregP: Someone get that pompous git away from me...
VoiceOver: He's stopping!
VoiceOver: But Stephen Fry and Enn Reitel have fortunately arrived just in time to take him inside...

* Mochrie asks, "Who's Enn Reitel?"

SFry: come on John
EnnReitel: Oops, hang on, let me get my ID...

* GregP goes over to the audience, waves at Vanessa and Vanessa

VoiceOver: And as we see Rory Bremner and Brad Sherwood coming inside, and hopefully Tony too if he ever gets away from that woman in the crowd... It's time to head inside where Clive Anderson is about to get proceedings under way.
GregP: Oh, he's a randy bugger...

* Bradley winks at the ladies
* Bremner says, in his classic Tony impression, Where's the camera? is it over there?
 

THE AWARDS

(musical introduction)

* Clive walks out onto the stage.

* Mochrie gives Clive a standing ovation
* Ryan looks desperately for Drew
GregP: My god, even in a tux he has no neck!

Clive: Well, hello and welcome to the Twiglet Awards, the Awards show in which Whose Line contestants present awards to other Whose Line contestants in the hope of getting back on the show.

Meskimen: You're blocking my view, Chris...
* Ryan glances at JSessions

Clive: And featuring in the awards tonight, we have... well, twenty-seven Twiglets to be presented to all your favourite Whose Line contestants from the past ten years. And of course, some of the less favourite ones.

scrmngfan: whoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* JSessions bows
* tony clapps
* Mochrie applauds
* scrmngfan screams
* SFry smirks at JSessions
* GregP applauds

Clive: So, with no further ado, we shall move onto the first award to be presented by one of my favourite contestants, Mr Greg Proops.

* Bremner claps wildly
* EnnReitel applauds
JSessions: the shining wit
* scrmngfan screams again
* Ryan still looking out for Drew
* Josie applauds
* Bradley applauds
* Bremner applauds

GregP: Thank you, Clive. One second, let me check my hair in your reflection.

* tony clapps for greg
* Mochrie whistles
* Bremner hoots and hollers
* tony laughs

GregP: Well I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to present the award for Best Smile.

* Josie flirts with Bradley
* Mochrie winks at Josie
* SFry flirts with JSessions
* JSessions flirts with JSessions

GregP: And I find it ironic that there is a Twiglet for this category, as nobody has ever smiled while eating a Twiglet.

* EnnReitel laughs
Ryan: LOL...How true!!
* Josie laughs heartily
Bremner: true but... I love Twiglets!
* Bradley thinks momentarily of AShley, then remembers she's a freak and thinks about what a babe Josie is;)
JSessions: darling yr so beautiful tonight
* Vranch arrives fashionably late

GregP: And this award is in fact named after Paul Merton. This could be the death of irony as we know it, ladies and gentlemen. Paul Merton ... smiles. Ah! The nominees are...
Josie Lawrence
Paul Merton
Colin Mochrie
John Sessions
Tony Slattery
Ryan Stiles

GregP: And the black, burnt, whole-wheat offering goes to...
* GregP opens the envelope...

GregP: JOSIE LAWRENCE.

Josie: EEEEK!
GregP: Come on up here, darlin'!

* Bradley applauds
* Bremner claps wildly
* EnnReitel applauds!
* tony claps
scrmngfan: Jooooosssiiieeee!!!!!!
JSessions: she deserves it
* Mochrie cheers vociferously

* Josie gasps and runs to the podium
Josie: oh, my....thank you, thank you all so much!
* GregP hands Josie a statuette shaped like a big gold Twiglet
Josie: I just want to say...oh, what a big Twiglet! Anyway, this award means a lot to me, but I must say it's easy to smile when you get to work with these wonderful Studmuffins! Thank you!

* Bradley titters

* GregP applauds, points Josie backstage for the Press Pool.
GregP: The next award, ladies and gentlemen... is the Peter Cook Memorial Award for Best Cigarette Use. Although you shouldn't smoke unless you want a habit for life, prop cigarettes are very handy in games. And the nominees are:
Peter Cook in 'Panel'
Tony Slattery in 'Jail Scene'
Ryan Stiles in 'Helping Hands - Lounge Singer'
Ryan Stiles in 'Mission Impossible - Lookout'

GregP: The winner is...
* GregP opens the envelope ... smoke pours out...
GregP: Ryan Stiles in 'Helping Hands - lounge singer'!

JSessions: yayayayyaa
* Josie cheers
SFry: Yay
* Mochrie applauds!
* EnnReitel applauds!

Ryan: Thank you. Thank you.
* GregP hands Ryan an award.
Ryan: My date , Monica, thought it was for best use of cigars... until she realized that Bill wasn't here. I'd like to thank my good friend Colin, for always covering my mistakes. Thanx Buddy!!
* Mochrie gives Ryan a thumbs-up!
Mochrie: You're welcome buddy!! :)
* Ryan starts to walk off
* GregP walks offstage to have a cigarette

* tslattery clapps
* EnnReitel applauds
* Bradley applauds
* GregP decides the better of it, skips the smoke and returns to his seat.

* Clive returns
Clive: And ladies and gentlemen, would you please thank Greg Proops for his ... uh... wonderful presentation so far.

* tslattery yells from audience: clive your still bald
* Bremner applauds
Ryan: Great job Greg!!
* GregP gives tony a high-five
scrmngfan: Greggie, Greggie
* GregP acknowledges the screams with a grin
* tslattery gives greg a high five

Clive: Now, here to present the next two awards, is a man famous for being full of shining wit. Please welcome Mr Stephen Fry.

* EnnReitel applauds
* Mochrie applauds vociferously.
* GregP applauds the golden Globe nominee.

SFry: Thank you, my colleagues. And now for the awards for the Mike McShane Twiglet for best Kiss.
Mike McShane and Tony Slattery for "The Bits that Went Wrong"
Mike McShane for Party Quirks - Kissogram
Mike McShane and Brad Sherwood for Questions Only
Mike McShane and Steve Steen for Scenes from a Hat - Kissogram with Bad News
Rory Bremner and Colin Mochrie for World's Worst

GregP: Mike does a lot of kissing...
Bradley: you're telling me...
Bremner: This IS the Mike McShane Twiglet...
* Bradley crosses his fingers with schoolboyish glee!:)

SFry: and the winner is Mike Mcshane for Party Quirks - Kissogram

* GregP looks around for his good buddy Mike...

MMcShane: Id like to accept this award... I deeply appreciate it. I have one thing to say - Brad has lips to die for! Thank you.

Bradley: aw shucks;)
* Vranch applauds wildly but silently
Bradley: you're not so bad yourself, stud;)

SFry: And now for our next spectuacular award - The Greg Proops Twiglet for Best Put Down

* GregP smiles and straightens up.
JSessions: oh baby I have $1000 riding on this one

SFry: Clive Anderson for "It's obvious that junk man would just turn it into American TV."

GregP: Ah, yes. I was on the receiving end of that one...
Bradley: THE WHOLE AMERICAN TELEVISION IDUSTRY WAS ON THE RECEIVING END OF THAT ONE!!!!
* Bradley sobs
Bradley: wait a minute..the american telelvision industry hasn't given me my own sitcom...screw it!
Josie: you tell 'em, Brad!

SFry: Colin Mochrie for "You big tall goof!!!  Somebody check his visa!!!  He's here illegally!!!   He told me!!!"

Ryan: Hey Colin: That was a joke , right?
Mochrie: Of course, bud!

SFry: Greg Proops for "Whenever I say "Naff Git" that means Clive"

* GregP smiles at the memory...

SFry: Greg Proops for "It's come as a Greg Proops joke party! Ocelot! Ocelot! God you're bald, Clive."

GregP: I'll insult myself once in a while.
Ryan: Yay!! Drew's here!!
* GregP and Ryan prepare to insult their respective hosts.
Ryan: "The Bald meets The Bulge"
Josie: the tension in the air is thick
Vranch: are you looking aat drew's trousers?
* GregP cuts the tension with a knife
tslattery: drew this is baldy, baldy this is drew

SFry: Greg Proops for "Get your bald English candy ass back in the house... I Got My opinion that's what I got"

Bradley: gee, this catagory seemed awfully Greg-enriched;)
GregP: I have a barbed wit ... Clive keeps getting caught on it.

SFry: Greg Proops for "Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk talk talk and never let anybody else"

* Mochrie applauds, as this was a very funny moment

SFry: Paul Merton for "No luck then" (to Josie at a weight watchers reunion.

Bradley Greg, bud, if you don't win, you'll never live this down;)
GregP: I'll just come up with better insults next year, Brad.

SFry: And finally Paul Merton "Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubbles"

Mochrie: Sandi!! Yay!
GregP: Sandi! Welcome to the show!
Clive: Don't sit behind ryan...
Toksvig: Sorry I was late.  I was trying on my high heels and fell off.

SFry: And the winner is Paul Merton for "No Luck Then'

* GregP bursts out laughing at the odds, but fully applauds Paul.

* Paul ascends the stage
Paul: Give me that.
SFry: Okay
Paul: People, i'd just like to say... You all need to shut your faces and get lives. China does not exist. Good night.
* Paul leaves the stage.
* SFry leaves stage
* Clive returns
* JSessions sobs: that was very moving
LSimpson: i dont' think the audience gives a shit, Buttons!
Meskimen: Hear that, Chris? You need to get a life!

Clive:> And now a man who I only had the fortune of meeting once, but once was enough. Here's Enn Reitel.
* EnnReitel proceeds to the stage
EnnReitel: Good evening. I'm Enn Reitel. You may remember me from Coronation Street, since you probably don't remember me from Whose Line. I've inexplicably been invited to present the The Denise Simmons Best Costume Twiglet. And the nominees are:
Colin Mochrie for "Bird Tie"
* Bremner eyes the bird tie in the glass case
scrmngfan: looks like Woody Woodpecker
Greg Proops for "Cow Vest"
* GregP takes the mickey
Steve Frost for "Hawaiian Shirt"
* Vranch hopes it's Steve Frost
Colin Mochrie for "Lime Jacket"
Ryan Stiles for "Neon Love Chicken Shirt"
and Tony Slattery for "Red and Black Plaid Pants"

EnnReitel: And the Twiglet goes to: Ryan Stiles for "Neon Love Chicken Shirt"
Ryan: What me again???

GregP: Who ordered pumpkin?
Bradley: It's the Stiles tartan

Ryan: Well, this was quite unexpected
* EnnReitel hands a golden Twiglet to Ryan, and a business card to DPatterson, wherever he may be
Ryan: Just to let you all know, I actually had to borrow this shirt from Colin that night.

* Mochrie glares at Ryan.
Mochrie: You shoulda seen what I found in *YOUR* closet!

Ryan: Greg never returned my Cow Vest
GregP: It didn't fit you ... you were too tall for it.
Ryan: No...You shortened it!!
GregP: Well, it didn't match your t-shirt.
* Ryan sticks tongue out at Greg and walks backstage

EnnReitel: And now, the next award: The Rebecca Allen Worst Costume Twiglet. Our nominees are:
Debi Durst for "Baseball Outfit"
Bradley: icka
Colin Mochrie for "Bird Tie"
* Mochrie glares at Enn
Tony Slattery for "Leather Jacket"
tslattery: what the???
Colin Mochrie for "Lime Jacket"
* Mochrie really glares at Enn.
EnnReitel: Don't shoot the messenger...
Tony Slattery for "Red and Black Plaid Pants"
and Clive Anderson for "Suits (various)"

EnnReitel: And the Twiglet goes to: Debi Durst for "Baseball Outfit"!

* GregP ascends the stage.
GregP: Debi is my dear friend, so I will accept this award on her behalf.
* EnnReitel hands Greg Debi's Twiglet
* Bremner hums "Take me out to the ballgame..."
GregP: And even though she dresses like a munchkin in bizzare orange hats, that;s just who she is. Thank you.
* GregP leaves the stage.
ddurst: you can keep it greg
EnnReitel: Thank you and good night.

Vranch: her hats are not orange, are they? :)
GregP: The one she wore at Comedy Day was.
Vranch: frightening - though i didn't notice it until the pics came out

* Clive returns to the stage

tslattery: nooooooo not baldy again
Mochrie: Hey! Us baldies stick together!
tslattery: no offence colin
Mochrie: Ooh, you're gonna get it tony :)

Clive: And now someone who is so close to me, he often is me. Please welcome Rory Bremner.
* Bremner walks on stage, doing his Tony impression
Bremner: Where's the camera? Is it over there?
Bremner: Hallo. No one likes our party, they think we're full of sh--
Bremner: (impersonating Tony Blair) Madam Speaker, we would like to present the Imaginatively Titled Twiglet for Best Prop Use. And, the nominees are:
Chip Esten for: "Boy, your poodle's well hung!" (mop end)
* JonPryce observes the teenage girl section in the back cheering like maniacs.
Colin Mochrie for: "Hey giant, stop peeing on the Alps!" (yellow triangle)
Mike McShane for: "Hello, welcome to Clive's dream!" (hose)
Niall Ashdown for: "Lobster man is here!" (pacmen)
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie for: "How many scoops? Five hundred!" (large cone)
Ryan Stiles for: "Your elephant's got a temperature of 102." (crayon)
And Stephen Fry for "Saliva." (bubblewrap).

Bremner: And the winner is... Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie for: "how many scoops?" "five hundred!" (large cone)
* Mochrie high-fives Ryan
* Mochrie walks up to the stage
* Ryan Grabs Colin's hand as they walk up
Mochrie: Awwwwww
Ryan: Well, Colin. since I've alreadyt won 2 awards... and you NONE
Mochrie: Gee, thanks for pointing that out...
Ryan: No problem. Why don't you say a few words
Mochrie: Well, I'd like to thank you of course. I mean, we make a great team, don't we. What an honour it is.

JSessions: not as good as me and Griff....  :)
Meskimen: No, Chris, I'd never say that about you. Now leave me alone!

* Mochrie wends his way back to his seat
Ryan: That's it??

GregP: Colin's a man of few words.
Josie: short and sweet, yay!:)
Ryan: His words or himself?
* Mochrie gives Ryan a hug.
Ryan: Thanx Buddy
* Josie wipes her eyes again
* Mochrie looks his Twiglet up and down....wait a minute...made in Taiwan.

* Josie is trying to eat her Twiglet
Vranch: don't!  that marmite's dangerous!
GregP: Josie, that statuette is about as edible as an actual Twiglet.
* Josie breaks a tooth

Bremner: Hands Through is often a very amusing game. Often it is not for the dialogue, but for the strange things that Ryan consumes. The nominees for the Ryan Stiles award of Worst Thing Consumed in Hands Through

* Mochrie glances at Ryan, who's starting to look a little green around the gills...
Bremner: The Aftershave
The Bree
The Dog Food
The Ketchup
The Peanut Colada

Bremner: And the winner is... The Dog Food!
* Mochrie throws the can of dog food onto the stage

* Clive returns

Clive: Well, no surprise there... the dog food would of course like to thank its family. And now straight on to the next award, with one of our favourite American singers, your friend and his, Brad Sherwood.

* JonPryce notices the teenage girl section screaming with "Brad!" signs.

Bradley: Please, ladies, hold your applause! A-hee-hee...and hold your disappointment, CAptian Hot Studmuffin wasn't nominated for THE WORLD CRISIS MONITOR TWIGLET FOR BEST SUPERHERO!

* scrmngfan squeals louder
* Bradley waves to his adoring...fan
scrmngfan: PORNO!!

Bradley: The nominees are, in no particular order besides which one I like best personally...
Colin Mochrie for "Bimbo Woman" ...  hmm..reminds me of a girl I know...
* Mochrie glares at Brad
Mochrie: BRAD IS REALLY A WOMAN!!!
* Bradley glares
Vranch: Colin!  This is no place for tabloid revelations!
Bradley: Hey buddy, you want I should show you just how much a man I am??
Mochrie: No! Don't want to scare this audience!
Bradley: that's right baby!
Ryan Stiles for "Captain Hallucination"
Colin Mochrie for "Continuous Unfunny Pun Man"
Steve Frost for "Laughing Nymphomaniac Woman"
Ryan Stiles for "Leg Humping Man"
Colin Mochrie for "Mispronunciation Boy"
AND  Colin Mochrie for "Rhyming Couplet Kid"

Bradley: And the winner is.... aw man.... Ryan Stiles for "Leg Humping Man". go figure..;)

* Mochrie cheers for his best bud Ryan

Ryan: What?!?!!?
* Bradley whispers "Desmond" and hands Ryan the award
Ryan: I just don't know, about this... I must say though, That was my most favourite Superhero for me!! Thank You!!
Bradley: he's gay, gay, gay...

* SFry flirts with JSessions again
JSessions: u should be flirting with Ryan...

Ryan: SSSHHHHH

* Bradley speaking in LMAD voice
Bradley: Bachelors and Bachelorettes, may I present the Twiglet Twiglet for Best Party Quirk! The nominees who WOOED us in this game are....
Colin Mochrie for "All Seven Dwarves"
Ryan Stiles for "Animals Crossing the Road"
Ryan Stiles for "Attached to the Door by Elastic"
Ryan Stiles for "Baby Learning to Walk"
Ryan Stiles for "Come to Ride Tony's Camel"
Colin Mochrie for "Experiencing Too Much Gravity"
AND Rory Bremner for "Thinks he's Tony"

Bradley: And the winner is......not me:) BUT: and may I say "YAY!"..... Colin Mochrie for "All Seven Dwarves"

* Josie dances with joy!
* tslattery claps
* GregP applauds seven times!
* Bremner claps for Colin
Ryan: It's about time!!!!

* Mochrie stands up and walks to the stage
* Mochrie shakes Brad's hand
* Bradley rubs colin's bald head for luck and hands him the award

* Ryan big thumbs up to Colin

Mochrie: Oh, what can I say! I'd like to thank all the little people...all seven of them. Oh, and Gangly, wherever you are, god bless you!
* Mochrie bows, and returns to his seat.

* Clive walks out

Clive: And now, a man who has gone from Improv to Evita, the one and only Jonathan Pryce.

JonPryce: I'm here to present the award Colin Mochrie loves, because he can't lose! It's the Colin Mochrie Twiglet for Getting Out of a Song!!! The nominees are:
The Banking March: "Of pounds, of francs... Instrumental!!"
The Being Stood Up Hoedown: "Here I've been waiting! No call! (storms off)"
The Christmas Hoedown: "My cholestorol is high and... (heart attack)"
The Gambling Hoedown: "I'm rich! I don't have to do this! I can do anything I like!"
The Vasectomy Surgeon Hoedown: "I will now sing German in my next verse. Ich lieber... uber trampolinin!"
And finally... Any Faintings

JonPryce: And the winner is... The Christmas Hoedown: "My cholestorol is high and... (heart attack)"!!!!!!!!!
* Mochrie runs to the stage.

GregP: Ah, the first ever 'pulling a Colin'!
scrmngfan: I LOVE that one!!!
Vranch: the ORIGINAL
Ryan: YAY!! Buddy!!

Mochrie: Wow. I can't believe it!
* JonPryce hands Colin his umpeenteenth Twiglet
Mochrie: I have to say this .... -clasps hand to chest and collapses> ......
* Mochrie sees stars

* JSessions counts his awards.... um... none, zero, zilch...

* Clive walks in and calls someone to drag Colin off...
* Ryan takes Colin back and pockets the Twiglet
* Mochrie straggles back to his seat, and thumbs up to let people know he's well.

Clive: And now a man who, in our long association, I have in fact heard speak once or twice. I'm talking of course, of the marvellous musician, Richard Vranch.
* Vranch does modern dance up to the stage

* JonPryce claps for the mute one!

Vranch: I have a pub I visit regularly, and when I enter, everyone turns around and says "Hello Richard, how are you?"  And I say" Quite well, thank you...!"  But my friend Tony Hawks had me taken away fro going to a pub for small children! The nominees in this category of the Audience Twiglet for Best "Whose Line" Lineare as follows
"Does it usually throb like that?"
"Grease me up, I'm getting in!"
"It's time for the royal spanking"
"Stop tap dancing, you fool!"
"Take me, big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow"
"You must dance for me while I name some vegetables"
"You think more of that damn monkey than you do of me!"

Vranch: And the winner is (drumroll - piano solo - guitar solo - keyboard solo - modern dance break.///////) ... "Take me, big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!"

* Bradley gasps!

* Mochrie cheers for our Bradley
(meanwhile, a slight 'kerfuffle' is going on in the audience!)

* Bradley walks to the stage and shakes Richie's hand..and tells everyone to let him have his moment!

Bradley: Thanks for this award..and for..ruining...my....moment...
Mochrie: Let the resident Studmuffin have the floor!

* Bradley sobs and runs off the stage
* Mochrie pats Brad consolingly on the back.
* Bradley runs back and shows off his butt for the ladies, then runs off again
GregP: It's just like the streaker who disrupted the Oscars...

* Clive charges out to the podium

Clive: And now, a woman who's been with us since the beginning, and we still haven't managed to get rid of her. Ladies and gentleman, Josie Lawrence.

Josie: Thank you, darling Clive. I'm here to present a very special award - the Deep Sea Nazi Captain Twiglet Award for Best Credit Reading
Colin Mochrie...for "in as Many Positions as Possible"
Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles for "As Tony"
Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles for "Pitching a Movie"
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie--"Two Guys Waiting for the Bathroom"
Tony SLattery, Jim Sweeney, Steve Steen and Mike McShane--"Two in a Fight, Two Trying to Stop Them"
and finally...Tony Slattery for "Soap Opera"

Josie: the envelope please.... the winner is....
* Bradley hands josie...oh..the ENVELOPE..
Josie: Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles for "As Tony"!!!!!

* Bradley cheers
Vranch: YES YES YES!  (Oh Dear)
* tslattery booooooooooooooos

* GregP struts onstage, along with Colin and Ryan
* Mochrie high-fives Ryan and Greg
* Ryan joins Colin
* Josie shakes hands all around
* Mochrie gives Josie a hug

GregP: We'd like to Thank tony, for making it all possible!
* Ryan BIG SMOOCH FOR JOSIE
Mochrie: You da man, big guy!
GregP: Anyway, thank you very much. I'll turn it over to Ryan and Colin...
* Mochrie meanders back to his seat
GregP: Or not...
* Ryan stays on stage with Josie
* GregP flees the stage.

Josie: And now the Dan Patterson Swooping Twiglet for Worst Credit Reading....we must take the bad with the good, folks. the nominees are...
John Sessions for "Any Credit Reading"
Rory Bremner for "Any Credit Reading"
Chip Esten for "Auctioneer"
Colin Mochrie for "Most Frustrated/Angry Man in the World"
* Mochrie bows! Thankew! Thankew!
* SFry gives Colin a huge kiss
* SFry is a bit tipsy
* Mochrie props Stephen up.
Josie: and...oh dear..Greg Proops, Josie Lawrence (!), Mike McShane, Paul Merton, Sandi Toksvig, and Tony Slattery for "Christmas Carollers"!
also...Peter Cook for "New York Cab Driver"
and Ron West for "Prisoner on Death Row"

Josie: and the lucky winner is... John Sessions--for "Any Credit Reading!!"

* Vranch laments the win of his fellow intellectual
Ryan: Was there any doubt??
GregP: Well, that one was a given...

* jsessions goes on to stage
* Josie congratulates John
jsessions: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!! I DEMAND A RE COUNT!

Bradley: but you WON john;)

jsessions: I DIDN'T WANT TO WIN THIS WAY!!!!!
* jsessions leaves stage
* jsessions goes back to seat in a huff
jsessions: IT IS STILL AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Clive returns to the stage

Clive: Well, charming, talented, popular... just a few words which John would like to aspire to there.But what we come to now is a very special point in our program, where I would like to take the opportunity to present a Twiglet myself.

_Daniel_: Just like when he rapped himself :)

Clive: And the reason I'm presenting this Twiglet is because it recognises an improviser who has come the furthest from when they started with us. So, the nominees for the "Most Improved Improviser Twiglet" are:
Steve Frost
Josie Lawrence
Mike McShane
Colin Mochrie
and Brad Sherwood.

Clive: Dan, the envelope please? And the winner of the "Most Improved Improviser Twiglets" is... Colin Mochrie!
* Mochrie drops his jaw....picks it up, and staggers to the stage!
Bradley: You used to suck!!!! YAY!!!

Mochrie: Well, la la la, lee lee. I'll never forget my first show. No matter how I try. But you know, people can change, although not for the better -smirk> ... I'd like to thank my buddy Ryan, for without him, I probably wouldn't have had a second chance. This one's for you bud!
Bradley: they're gay gay gay

* Clive interrupts even though you weren't speaking
* Mochrie hugs Ryan again as he returns to his seat
Josie: so much love in this room
* SFry wipes a tear from his eye
Mochrie: Brad! Shut up, you woman!

Clive: Well, speaking of Ryan, here he is again, this time to PRESENT an award, thank goodness.

Bradley: GAY!
Mochrie: WOMAN!
Bradley: BALDIE!
Clive: HEY! I'm not bald, I'm taller than my hair.
tslattery: yeah right clive - than what about your neck
Clive: I'm taller than my neck too :)
GregP: He's taller than his neck, too. ... See?
tslattery: what neck?
 
 

SFry: Brad's a woman :)
GregP: Stephen, don;t you get involved!

Ryan: I'd like to thank you all for this award ... Oh..I'm presenting?? OK .. The category is 'The Steve Frost Twiglet for the Best Crack-up'. The nominees are:
Tony, myself, and Colin in " You've turned into Richard Burton"
Greg and Ryan in "The Dead Bodies Kiss"
Greg in "Just Put Your Breast There and ...Fibbbbb"
Greg in "Tony Splits his Pants"
Rory in "Is sperm you favourite?"
Tony in "Rory Doing Tony in Party Quirks"
and finally Tony in " And then I Kissed a Labrador and Then I...."

GregP: I crack up a lot. You should have seen me in Vegas.
* Vranch has returned from the pub
SFry: Oh no, richard is stoned drunk watch out
Vranch: no I'm not.  Tony Hawks told me I was in the wrong pub so I went back to the ceremony

Ryan: The winner is ....... Greg, come up here and finisish that Kiss!!!
GregP: Well, if you insist.....
Ryan: It's Greg and Myself in "Dead Body Kiss"

* GregP runs up onstage and kisses Ryan.
GregP: I'd just like to say...
* Ryan spits
GregP: Colin, you're a master at making people kiss...
Mochrie: Has the Enquirer heard about this?
* SFry takes a picture
Mochrie: Well, of course! it's what I do best!
* SFry hides the camera

GregP: And you kiss pretty darn well yourself. i'll see you next year when 'Weird Newscasters' gets nominated. Thanks, pookies.
* Mochrie winks at Greg
* GregP leaves the stage, looking for more people to kiss.
Mochrie: Scintillating, isn't it :)

Ryan: Thanx Greg. Next up, The Compilation Twiglet for Funniest Stuff-up" The nominees are.....
Clive for "Fishing Rap"
Clive for "Old Knob, New Knob"
Josie for "Alphabet" or lack there of
Josie: hey! A....B....?
Bradley: A....B,.....C...
Colin for "Banking March Instrumental"
Ryan for "Nightmare Hoedown"
Mochrie: Cree-cheer cree-cheer!
* Mochrie holds up a m'eer!
and finally, Tony's infamous "F*** Off!!"

Ryan: And the winner is........ Thank God the ABC censors weren't around for this...Tony's "F*** Off!!"
* Mochrie gives Tony a -bleep>
* tslattery walks to stage

tslattery: well if i had to win an award for something else besides best contestant i was hoping it would be the one where i swear at clive. thx
* tslattery leaves stage and trys to eat trophy
* Josie warns him it won't work
Vranch: that marmite will kill you!
* GregP peels off the top layer of trophy ... hey, it's chocolate...
Josie: yummy!
SFry: gross
Bradley: It's Cliv-licious!
Mochrie: Clive-a-licious! :)
tslattery: IS THERE A DENTIST IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!

* Clive abseils down to the stage from the roof

Clive: Well, thankyou very much Tony. And we're never having you on the awards again.
* Vranch applauds his fellow Cambridge Man

Clive: We're now coming up to some of the more important awards of the evening, and I've asked whether I could present these next two myself. I was told no, but after threatening to resign and sell Dan's photos to the press, they agreed. And so we come to the Nameless Twiglet for Funniest Moment. And the nominees for this are:
Myself for "Fishing Rap"
Colin Mochrie for "Dinosaurs"
Ryan Stiles for "Taxidermist"
Tony Slattery for "Eating Dog Food"
Tony Slattery for "Realises Rory is imitating him"
Tony Slattery for "Party Quirks F*** off"
and Tony Slattery for "Splitting his pants"

Clive: And the winner is... oh no, it's him. Tony Slattery for "Realises Rory is imitating him."
* tslattery walks up on stage
tslattery: well 2 in a row  that should get clive a little mad. i was hoping i would get 2 in a row for the F*** off but hey i got another one.
* tslattery leaves stage and trys eating this one

tslattery: OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GregP: Peel off the wrapping first, Tony.
Vranch: Anthony Deklan James Slattery!  I told you - Marmite is bad for your teeth!
tslattery: where is that dentist

Clive: And now, onto the Authors Twiglet for Funniest Line from the show. There were many nominated for this category, many made it through and now only one can be the winner. So which will it be? The nominees are:
"Are you Jewish?"
"Can brothers survive if forced to eat lentils and live in a tent?"
"I'm a doctor!" "I didn't know you were a doctor!" "Well... not a real one!"
"Hey, who invited the chicks?"
"I love the Dutch!"
"It's poultry in motion!"
"Someone's coming in my ear..."
* Mochrie grins at Ryan
"This courtroom is a Mochrie!"
"Oh, I know, you're doing tai-chi!" "No, I'm just a wanker!"
and finally, "What are you doing with that squeezy bottle?"

Clive: And the winner is... (Dan, the envelope?) Oh, I'm sorry, I've had the envelope placed on the desk in front of me. Inside the envelope is a winner, which I will have to read out and then Tony will have to try and guess... sorry... The winner is: "This courtroom is a Mochrie!". The award to be collected by the man himself, Colin Mochrie.

* GregP applauds and whostles for Colin, who's racking 'em up tonight!
* Mochrie waltzes up to the stage
* Mochrie shakes Clive's hand
Ryan: The Glare!!!

Mochrie: THIS AWARD CEREMONY IS A MOCHRIE!! ... I'd like to thank my family for having the name Mochrie! They'll be dancing in the streets of Kilmarnock! Thanks again, and god bless!

Clive: Uh... Colin, before you go... knowing your experience in the area, perhaps you'd like to present a couple of our musical Twiglets?
Mochrie: Sure clive.

Mochrie: Well, let's move on to our next category ... The Tuneless Twiglet for Worst Song. First of all, we should thank Richard for providing the music that makes WLiiA what it is....cheap.
* Vranch bows a nice Oxford JRF bow

Mochrie: But anyway, the best of the worst nominees are....
John Sessions for "Any Song"
Josie Lawrence and Mike McShane for "Cat Litter Duet"
Greg, Colin, Ryan and Brad for "Making Cheese Hoedown"
Josie Lawrence for "Any Heavy Metal Song Styles"
Josie Lawrence for "Stapler Irish Jig (song styles)"
Josie Lawrence for "On the M25 (song styles)"
And finally...John Sessions for "TV Set Folk Song (song styles)"

Mochrie: And the winner is.......
* Mochrie grabs envelope, tears it open, and peers at the contents.
Mochrie: Hey, is this in Swedish?....oh, it's upside down. The winner of this prestigious award goes to.... John Sessions for "Any Song"

jsessions: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep> OUTRAGE. THIS HAS BEEN FIXED
SFry: John, let's just go and sit down and calm down
Vranch: a "hand" outrage?
* Mochrie hands John his Twiglet.
jsessions: I"M LEAVING
* jsessions leaves building
GregP: Sessions has left the building.

Mochrie: Let's move on shall we...our next category is The Bartender's Twiglet for Best Song.

(Merts arrives)
Merts: Apologies for being late - how much did I miss?
* GregP hands Paul the award he won earlier for "best put-down".

Mochrie: The nominees for this category are....
Tony Slattery and Josie Lawrence for "Angry About His Middle Name (Bartender)"
Tony Slattery and Mike McShane for "In Love With The Bartender"
Ryan Stiles and Mike McShane for "Queen Roy (Bartender)"
Josie Lawrence and Caroline Quentin for "The Beached Whale Duet"
Josie Lawrence and Mike McShane for "The Cat Litter Duet"
John, Paul, Josie and Archie for "The Guard on the Northern Line Opera"
Tony Slattery and Mike McShane for "Angry About His Clothes (Bartender)"
Niall Ashdown for "Love Song to Drew The Stripper"
John Sessions for "TV Set Folk Song"

Mochrie: And the winner is...............
* Mochrie opens his envelope and glances at the fine print....void in Tennessee...
Mochrie: The winners of this award are....Tony Slattery and Mike McShane for "In Love With The Bartender"

* tslattery gose up to stage
tslattery: i would like to accept this award on mine and mike's behalf and would like to say i laughed and laughed at that song. thank you

Clive: Tony, you might as well stay up here and present a couple of game awards while you're at it.

tslattery: the next award is the cutting edge twiglet for worst indvidual game. the nominees are...
alphabet with josie and sandi
any authors  (i think we have a winner)
american musical - going to a party, maze and going gliding
american musical - puberty, seeing a tv show recording,a cup of tea
film dub - b&w robots(from the pilot)
the space travel hoedown
and panel - smoking

* Bradley whispers "anything from the pilot"

tslattery: the winners are
* tslattery asks Dan where is the envolope?
tslattery: ok and the winner is ANY AUTHORS with no suprise to me
JonPryce: Does this mean everyone who's participated in authors wins?
Ryan: A bit before my time
SFry: Does that mean me?

* SFry runs up to the stage
SFry: I accept this award for all the people out there
* Security pulls Fry off the stage

Dan: Well, as the person in charge of this sort of thing, let me say how gratifying it is to see that you like the games we still play. Or rather, that you don't like the ones we've got rid of. And we can assure you that Drew will never be allowed to play Authors no matter how much he begs. Now, get on with it!!!!

tslattery: well anyway the next award is the ROTFL Twiglet for the best indivudal game. the nominees are:
expert translation - volvos
JonPryce: Don't forget to show a clip: "Have you ever had sex with a horse?"
film trailer - the creature from essex
opera - gaurd on the northern line
party quirks - all 7 dwarfs, cameras, animals crossing the road
questions only - front desk of a hotel
scene to music - washing powder
and the world's worst person to sit next to on an airplane

tslattery: and the winner is..... party quirks - all 7 dwarfs, cameras, animals crossing the road, done by colin ryan and mike
Ryan: Me and you again Colin!! And Mike...
Mochrie: Yeah, can you believe it?
tslattery: come on up and get your trophys  but don't eat them
* Ryan wakes Colin up and goes to stage
* Mochrie walks to the stage
Ryan: Is Mike here, or back at the buffet?

tslattery: he left
JonPryce: Maybe he's on the set of "Frasier"?
* SFry runs up and hugs Colin
* SFry then sits back down and smiles

* Ryan take Twiglet and escorts Colin offstage
Clive: that's tony you've got there, ryan...
Ryan: AAAAHHHHH

Clive: over to you, Bimbo Woman.
Mochrie: While I'm up here, I think I'll present the next award. For The Fast Forward Twiglet for Worst Game, the nominees are...
Authors
Hoedown
Musical
Panel
Rap
Song Styles
and Song Titles

Mochrie: And the best of the worst is ....
* Mochrie opens envelope with a flourish
Mochrie: You may already have won a large cash prize....no, wait... The winner is AUTHORS!

* Dan walks up
Dan: Well, I must reiterate what a great sign it is that the game you don't like most of all is one we don't play any more.

* JonPryce throws some brie at the stage.

Dan: Might I also point out here that... thanks for the cheese, too... that the guy who came up with that idea is long gone. Actually, I believe he might be running the company now, so I'd better shut up. Back to you, Mr Mochrie, and.. sorry about that 'going back to Canada' joke, okay?...

Mochrie: Now many contestants have come and gone over the years. This next award is dedicated to those players who have come on, and never come back! I'm speaking of course of The Unhappy Twiglet for Worst Contestant. The nominees are....
Peter Cook
Archibald...sorry, Archie Hahn
George McGrath...(no relation to George McGrath-Ruiz)
George Wendt
and finally John Sessions.

Mochrie: And the winner of this fine trophy is none other than.....
* Mochrie opens the envelope
Mochrie: Well, kiss my grits! JOHN SESSIONS!!!!!!

* JonPryce doesn't know whether to be filled with sympathy or cheer.

jsessions: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

GregP: As John gives himself a hand...
Vranch: "Hand"?
Mochrie: -bleep!

jsessions: THAT IS IT I"M OUT OF HERE
* jsessions leaves building

Clive: Well, thankyou Colin, and John... Brilliant, fantastic, and amazing... just some of the words that can describe John. Or so he tells me. And so that brings us to the final, and perhaps the most important, awards of the night. So important, in fact, that I couldn't bear to entrust their presentation to anybody who wasn't brilliant, fantastic and amazing. So here are the nominees. The nominees for the Golden Twiglet, for Best Game are:
Dead Bodies.
Film Dub.
Hands Through.
Party Quirks.
Whose Line.
World's Worst.

Clive: And the winner is... The envelope, Dan, the ENVELOPE!
Dan: here you go clive
Clive: The winner is... Clivey-Baby, how about we get tog... the RIGHT envelope, Dan!
Dan: oh sorry here it is
Clive: Thankyou. The winner is: Party Quirks.

GregP: 'Dear Sexy Knickers...'

Clive: And to collect the award I call on Paul Merton, Tony Slattery and Greg Proops, my favourite hosts.
* GregP runs up to the stage
* tslattery walks onto stage
* Merts joins tslattery

GregP: Thank you. It's an honor to be your straight man for this particular game. And I assure you, I am a straight man.
tslattery: thank you for voting for this game
GregP: Thank you very much, and I promise to never serve Twiglets at my parties ever again.
* tslattery leaves stage
* GregP leaves the stage in search of a party

Clive: And so this is it. We've been through games, foodstuff, props and words... but now it's time to find out, once and for all, the favourite contestant on Whose Line. The nominees are:
Steve Frost.
Josie Lawrence.
Paul Merton.
Colin Mochrie.
Greg Proops.
Tony Slattery
And Ryan Stiles.

GregP: You can feel the antici....pation
Ryan: Colin: Hope you win Buddy!!
Mochrie: Hope you win, Ryan!

Dan: here is the envolope clive
Clive: And the Ultra-Special Platinum Whoser Twiglet for the Best Contestant goes to...

JonPryce: Un ze big vinner iz...?
* SFry hopes nobody winds
SFry: wins
GregP: winds! That's disgusting!
Vranch: charcoal should help, Stephen
JonPryce: Eating apples, I heard, is good.

Clive: RYAN STILES!

Mochrie: Wooooo!!!
* Mochrie cheers for his buddy!
Ryan: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Bradley: dang, my write in campaign didn't work..
* GregP leads the crowd in a standing ovation!!!!!!!!
* JonPryce cheers - but everyone saw it coming :)
* Mochrie gives Ryan a big bear hug
Vranch: you nominated yourself, Sherwood, or was that your wife, that Southern Belle chickie?
* Josie applauds, then collapses in exhaustion
* scrmngfan jumps up and down, yelling loudly
* Mochrie cheers himself hoarse

* Ryan goes to the stage, pauses, does the Gazelle look, and proceeds

Ryan: Thanks Mr Patterson

GregP: Speech! speech! Short speech!
Mochrie: Speech!!

Ryan: Firstly, I would like to ask Colin to come up on stage and join me!!!
* Mochrie joins Ryan on the stage

GregP: Awwww
Bradley: Ashley organized the write in campaign..she just didn't do a good enough job!
* Josie pulls out her tissues
Vranch: Odd - I've heard there are doctoral theses shorter than her letters!

Ryan: This is the man who helped me win this award... I would just like to thank all of you and our viewers for this great honour!! Oh Steve. Can you bring my car around to the front?
* Ryan Hugs Colin and waves to the crowd
* Mochrie cheers vociferously

Clive: Alright, now Ryan, if you'd like to read the credits in a style of my choosing?... Just kidding... ladies and gentleman, there will be a champagne party going all night at Dan's place, if you'd care to join me, but until then, this is me, Clive Anderson, saying goodnight.

Clive: GOODNIGHT!
 

POST-AWARDS

* Mochrie cheers!!!
* GregP grabs the gin and tonic ... PARTY TIME!