1998 Twiglets Transcript
The Twiglet awards took place on Friday 22nd January from 10 PM. Like all
good (and bad) awards shows, they started late and ran way overtime! But
three hours later, the winners had all been announced and everybody could
go home :-)
What follows is a transcript of the presentation ceremony which occured
in a special #twiglets room on the usual IRC server with many Whosers wonderfully
playing the parts of the various contestants (plus some doing so not quite
so wonderfully!) :-). The transcript has been edited both to make reading
easier, and to cut out a lot of the chit-chat and silliness that took place
in the room apart from the ceremony (relevant stuff has been left in!).
Present at the event, in order of 'arrival', were: Clive Anderson (Clive),
Rory Bremner (Bremner), Colin Mochrie (Mochrie), Ryan Stiles
(Ryan/RStiles), Enn Reitel (EnnReitel), Josie Lawrence (Josie),
Greg Proops (GregP), Jim Meskimen (Meskimen), Stephen Fry
(SFry), Brad Sherwood (Bradley), Tony Slattery (Tony/tslattery),
John Sessions (JSessions), Richard Vranch (Vranch), Mike
McShane (MMcShane), Dan Patterson (Patterson/Dan), Drew Carey
(Drew), Sandi Toksvig (Toksvig), Paul Merton (Paul), Lee
Simpson (LSimpson), Jonathan Pryce (JonPryce), Debi Durst
(ddurst), and Paul Merton (Merts)
Plus a voice over guy (VoiceOver), security (Security),
and the usual Whosers in the audience (scrmngfan and _Daniel_)
Lines in italics indicate off-stage happenings (that are still relevant
enough to remain in!). Some reactions and things have been cut to save
a little space :). Oh, and apologies to John. We don't all think you're
like that. Really.
PREPARING FOR THE CEREMONY
Bremner: ...and I don't even have to find a dress to wear
to this one!
Clive: You mean you're not wearing anything?
RStiles: I don't even WEAR a dress =o) Unless ....
* Mochrie dons a smart, sharp tuxedo.
* SFry is wearing a tux
* RStiles wears a nice tux
* Josie is in a little black dress
* GregP puts on a sharp-looking suit, as usual
* RStiles also wears the NEON LOVE CHICKEN SHIRT!!! =o)
* Bremner puts on his Tony mask... Brem-joke!
Mochrie: I like this tux! I don't usually wear one!
* SFry fixes his tie
* GregP arrives with a sharp suit and sharper tongue...
EnnReitel: I had to show ID to get my tux... nobody remembered
Bremner: THE TWIGLETS ARE SPONSORED BY... TWIGLETS. THE ORIGINAL
LIVE BROADCAST BEGINS
VoiceOver: Well, welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 1998 Twiglet
Awards Presentation Evening. As we see now the nominees coming up the red
carpet... Ryan Stiles, and following in his shadow, Colin Mochrie, both
nominated for a number of awards tonight.
Ryan: Actually, except for Mike, everyone's in my shadow
VoiceOver: Indeed, you may notice that they have chosen to wear
the outfits also nominated for awards tonight - Ryan in his neon love chicken
shirt, Colin in his lime jacket...
* Mochrie glares at clive.
GregP: Hey, you chose to wear it, Colin!
VoiceOver: And just being brought out of the limousine now, in
a glass display case is the Bird Tie, another item nominated tonight.
* Bremner stares in awe at the magical Bird Tie
* GregP listens ... the bird tie is chirping...
VoiceOver: Greg and Josie also heading up the carpet, John Sessions
* Josie waves
* Josie takes Greg's arm flirtatiously
* GregP waves Josie off, reminding her he's a married man...
* Josie pouts
VoiceOver: But ... oh dear, John's seen our camera...
GregP: Someone get that pompous git away from me...
VoiceOver: He's stopping!
VoiceOver: But Stephen Fry and Enn Reitel have fortunately arrived
just in time to take him inside...
* Mochrie asks, "Who's Enn Reitel?"
SFry: come on John
EnnReitel: Oops, hang on, let me get my ID...
* GregP goes over to the audience, waves at Vanessa and Vanessa
VoiceOver: And as we see Rory Bremner and Brad Sherwood coming
inside, and hopefully Tony too if he ever gets away from that woman in
the crowd... It's time to head inside where Clive Anderson is about to
get proceedings under way.
GregP: Oh, he's a randy bugger...
* Bradley winks at the ladies
* Bremner says, in his classic Tony impression, Where's the
camera? is it over there?
* Clive walks out onto the stage.
* Mochrie gives Clive a standing ovation
* Ryan looks desperately for Drew
GregP: My god, even in a tux he has no neck!
Clive: Well, hello and welcome to the Twiglet Awards, the Awards
show in which Whose Line contestants present awards to other Whose Line
contestants in the hope of getting back on the show.
Meskimen: You're blocking my view, Chris...
* Ryan glances at JSessions
Clive: And featuring in the awards tonight, we have... well,
twenty-seven Twiglets to be presented to all your favourite Whose Line
contestants from the past ten years. And of course, some of the less favourite
* JSessions bows
* tony clapps
* Mochrie applauds
* scrmngfan screams
* SFry smirks at JSessions
* GregP applauds
Clive: So, with no further ado, we shall move onto the first
award to be presented by one of my favourite contestants, Mr Greg Proops.
* Bremner claps wildly
* EnnReitel applauds
JSessions: the shining wit
* scrmngfan screams again
* Ryan still looking out for Drew
* Josie applauds
* Bradley applauds
* Bremner applauds
GregP: Thank you, Clive. One second, let me check my hair in
* tony clapps for greg
* Mochrie whistles
* Bremner hoots and hollers
* tony laughs
GregP: Well I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to present
the award for Best Smile.
* Josie flirts with Bradley
* Mochrie winks at Josie
* SFry flirts with JSessions
* JSessions flirts with JSessions
GregP: And I find it ironic that there is a Twiglet for this
category, as nobody has ever smiled while eating a Twiglet.
* EnnReitel laughs
Ryan: LOL...How true!!
* Josie laughs heartily
Bremner: true but... I love Twiglets!
* Bradley thinks momentarily of AShley, then remembers she's
a freak and thinks about what a babe Josie is;)
JSessions: darling yr so beautiful tonight
* Vranch arrives fashionably late
GregP: And this award is in fact named after Paul Merton. This
could be the death of irony as we know it, ladies and gentlemen. Paul Merton
... smiles. Ah! The nominees are...
GregP: And the black, burnt, whole-wheat offering goes to...
* GregP opens the envelope...
GregP: JOSIE LAWRENCE.
GregP: Come on up here, darlin'!
* Bradley applauds
* Bremner claps wildly
* EnnReitel applauds!
* tony claps
JSessions: she deserves it
* Mochrie cheers vociferously
* Josie gasps and runs to the podium
Josie: oh, my....thank you, thank you all so much!
* GregP hands Josie a statuette shaped like a big gold Twiglet
Josie: I just want to say...oh, what a big Twiglet! Anyway,
this award means a lot to me, but I must say it's easy to smile when you
get to work with these wonderful Studmuffins! Thank you!
* Bradley titters
* GregP applauds, points Josie backstage for the Press Pool.
GregP: The next award, ladies and gentlemen... is the Peter
Cook Memorial Award for Best Cigarette Use. Although you shouldn't
smoke unless you want a habit for life, prop cigarettes are very handy
in games. And the nominees are:
Peter Cook in 'Panel'
Tony Slattery in 'Jail Scene'
Ryan Stiles in 'Helping Hands - Lounge Singer'
Ryan Stiles in 'Mission Impossible - Lookout'
GregP: The winner is...
* GregP opens the envelope ... smoke pours out...
GregP: Ryan Stiles in 'Helping Hands
- lounge singer'!
* Josie cheers
* Mochrie applauds!
* EnnReitel applauds!
Ryan: Thank you. Thank you.
* GregP hands Ryan an award.
Ryan: My date , Monica, thought it was for best use of cigars...
until she realized that Bill wasn't here. I'd like to thank my good friend
Colin, for always covering my mistakes. Thanx Buddy!!
* Mochrie gives Ryan a thumbs-up!
Mochrie: You're welcome buddy!! :)
* Ryan starts to walk off
* GregP walks offstage to have a cigarette
* tslattery clapps
* EnnReitel applauds
* Bradley applauds
* GregP decides the better of it, skips the smoke and returns
to his seat.
* Clive returns
Clive: And ladies and gentlemen, would you please thank Greg
Proops for his ... uh... wonderful presentation so far.
* tslattery yells from audience: clive your still bald
* Bremner applauds
Ryan: Great job Greg!!
* GregP gives tony a high-five
scrmngfan: Greggie, Greggie
* GregP acknowledges the screams with a grin
* tslattery gives greg a high five
Clive: Now, here to present the next two awards, is a man famous
for being full of shining wit. Please welcome Mr Stephen Fry.
* EnnReitel applauds
* Mochrie applauds vociferously.
* GregP applauds the golden Globe nominee.
SFry: Thank you, my colleagues. And now for the awards for the
McShane Twiglet for best Kiss.
Mike McShane and Tony Slattery for "The Bits
that Went Wrong"
Mike McShane for Party Quirks - Kissogram
Mike McShane and Brad Sherwood for Questions
Mike McShane and Steve Steen for Scenes from
a Hat - Kissogram with Bad News
Rory Bremner and Colin Mochrie for World's
GregP: Mike does a lot of kissing...
Bradley: you're telling me...
Bremner: This IS the Mike McShane Twiglet...
* Bradley crosses his fingers with schoolboyish glee!:)
SFry: and the winner is Mike Mcshane
for Party Quirks - Kissogram
* GregP looks around for his good buddy Mike...
MMcShane: Id like to accept this award... I deeply appreciate
it. I have one thing to say - Brad has lips to die for! Thank you.
Bradley: aw shucks;)
* Vranch applauds wildly but silently
Bradley: you're not so bad yourself, stud;)
SFry: And now for our next spectuacular award - The
Greg Proops Twiglet for Best Put Down
* GregP smiles and straightens up.
JSessions: oh baby I have $1000 riding on this one
SFry: Clive Anderson for "It's obvious
that junk man would just turn it into American TV."
GregP: Ah, yes. I was on the receiving end of that one...
Bradley: THE WHOLE AMERICAN TELEVISION IDUSTRY WAS ON THE
RECEIVING END OF THAT ONE!!!!
* Bradley sobs
Bradley: wait a minute..the american telelvision industry
hasn't given me my own sitcom...screw it!
Josie: you tell 'em, Brad!
SFry: Colin Mochrie for "You big tall
goof!!! Somebody check his visa!!! He's here illegally!!!
He told me!!!"
Ryan: Hey Colin: That was a joke , right?
Mochrie: Of course, bud!
SFry: Greg Proops for "Whenever I say
"Naff Git" that means Clive"
* GregP smiles at the memory...
SFry: Greg Proops for "It's come as
a Greg Proops joke party! Ocelot! Ocelot! God you're bald, Clive."
GregP: I'll insult myself once in a while.
Ryan: Yay!! Drew's here!!
* GregP and Ryan prepare to insult their respective
Ryan: "The Bald meets The Bulge"
Josie: the tension in the air is thick
Vranch: are you looking aat drew's trousers?
* GregP cuts the tension with a knife
tslattery: drew this is baldy, baldy this is drew
SFry: Greg Proops for "Get your bald
English candy ass back in the house... I Got My opinion that's what I got"
Bradley: gee, this catagory seemed awfully Greg-enriched;)
GregP: I have a barbed wit ... Clive keeps getting caught
SFry: Greg Proops for "Maybe you're
confusing this with your other show where you just talk talk talk and never
let anybody else"
* Mochrie applauds, as this was a very funny moment
SFry: Paul Merton for "No luck then"
(to Josie at a weight watchers reunion.
Bradley Greg, bud, if you don't win, you'll never live this
GregP: I'll just come up with better insults next year, Brad.
SFry: And finally Paul Merton "Is that
your head or is your neck blowing bubbles"
Mochrie: Sandi!! Yay!
GregP: Sandi! Welcome to the show!
Clive: Don't sit behind ryan...
Toksvig: Sorry I was late. I was trying on my high
heels and fell off.
SFry: And the winner is Paul Merton
for "No Luck Then'
* GregP bursts out laughing at the odds, but fully applauds
* Paul ascends the stage
Paul: Give me that.
Paul: People, i'd just like to say... You all need to shut your
faces and get lives. China does not exist. Good night.
* Paul leaves the stage.
* SFry leaves stage
* Clive returns
* JSessions sobs: that was very moving
LSimpson: i dont' think the audience gives a shit, Buttons!
Meskimen: Hear that, Chris? You need to get a life!
Clive:> And now a man who I only had the fortune of meeting once,
but once was enough. Here's Enn Reitel.
* EnnReitel proceeds to the stage
EnnReitel: Good evening. I'm Enn Reitel. You may remember me
from Coronation Street, since you probably don't remember me from Whose
Line. I've inexplicably been invited to present the The
Denise Simmons Best Costume Twiglet. And the nominees are:
Colin Mochrie for "Bird Tie"
* Bremner eyes the bird tie in the glass case
scrmngfan: looks like Woody Woodpecker
Greg Proops for "Cow Vest"
* GregP takes the mickey
Steve Frost for "Hawaiian Shirt"
* Vranch hopes it's Steve Frost
Colin Mochrie for "Lime Jacket"
Ryan Stiles for "Neon Love Chicken Shirt"
and Tony Slattery for "Red and Black Plaid
EnnReitel: And the Twiglet goes to: Ryan
Stiles for "Neon Love Chicken Shirt"
Ryan: What me again???
GregP: Who ordered pumpkin?
Bradley: It's the Stiles tartan
Ryan: Well, this was quite unexpected
* EnnReitel hands a golden Twiglet to Ryan, and a business card
to DPatterson, wherever he may be
Ryan: Just to let you all know, I actually had to borrow this
shirt from Colin that night.
* Mochrie glares at Ryan.
Mochrie: You shoulda seen what I found in *YOUR* closet!
Ryan: Greg never returned my Cow Vest
GregP: It didn't fit you ... you were too tall for it.
Ryan: No...You shortened it!!
GregP: Well, it didn't match your t-shirt.
* Ryan sticks tongue out at Greg and walks backstage
EnnReitel: And now, the next award: The
Rebecca Allen Worst Costume Twiglet. Our nominees are:
Debi Durst for "Baseball Outfit"
Colin Mochrie for "Bird Tie"
* Mochrie glares at Enn
Tony Slattery for "Leather Jacket"
tslattery: what the???
Colin Mochrie for "Lime Jacket"
* Mochrie really glares at Enn.
EnnReitel: Don't shoot the messenger...
Tony Slattery for "Red and Black Plaid Pants"
and Clive Anderson for "Suits (various)"
EnnReitel: And the Twiglet goes to: Debi
Durst for "Baseball Outfit"!
* GregP ascends the stage.
GregP: Debi is my dear friend, so I will accept this award on
* EnnReitel hands Greg Debi's Twiglet
* Bremner hums "Take me out to the ballgame..."
GregP: And even though she dresses like a munchkin in bizzare
orange hats, that;s just who she is. Thank you.
* GregP leaves the stage.
ddurst: you can keep it greg
EnnReitel: Thank you and good night.
Vranch: her hats are not orange, are they? :)
GregP: The one she wore at Comedy Day was.
Vranch: frightening - though i didn't notice it until the
pics came out
* Clive returns to the stage
tslattery: nooooooo not baldy again
Mochrie: Hey! Us baldies stick together!
tslattery: no offence colin
Mochrie: Ooh, you're gonna get it tony :)
Clive: And now someone who is so close to me, he often is me.
Please welcome Rory Bremner.
* Bremner walks on stage, doing his Tony impression
Bremner: Where's the camera? Is it over there?
Bremner: Hallo. No one likes our party, they think we're full
Bremner: (impersonating Tony Blair) Madam Speaker, we would
like to present the Imaginatively Titled Twiglet
for Best Prop Use. And, the nominees are:
Chip Esten for: "Boy, your poodle's well hung!"
* JonPryce observes the teenage girl section in the back
cheering like maniacs.
Colin Mochrie for: "Hey giant, stop peeing
on the Alps!" (yellow triangle)
Mike McShane for: "Hello, welcome to Clive's
Niall Ashdown for: "Lobster man is here!"
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie for: "How many
scoops? Five hundred!" (large cone)
Ryan Stiles for: "Your elephant's got a temperature
of 102." (crayon)
And Stephen Fry for "Saliva." (bubblewrap).
Bremner: And the winner is... Ryan Stiles
and Colin Mochrie for: "how many scoops?" "five hundred!" (large cone)
* Mochrie high-fives Ryan
* Mochrie walks up to the stage
* Ryan Grabs Colin's hand as they walk up
Ryan: Well, Colin. since I've alreadyt won 2 awards... and you
Mochrie: Gee, thanks for pointing that out...
Ryan: No problem. Why don't you say a few words
Mochrie: Well, I'd like to thank you of course. I mean, we make
a great team, don't we. What an honour it is.
JSessions: not as good as me and Griff.... :)
Meskimen: No, Chris, I'd never say that about you. Now leave
* Mochrie wends his way back to his seat
Ryan: That's it??
GregP: Colin's a man of few words.
Josie: short and sweet, yay!:)
Ryan: His words or himself?
* Mochrie gives Ryan a hug.
Ryan: Thanx Buddy
* Josie wipes her eyes again
* Mochrie looks his Twiglet up and down....wait a minute...made
* Josie is trying to eat her Twiglet
Vranch: don't! that marmite's dangerous!
GregP: Josie, that statuette is about as edible as an actual
* Josie breaks a tooth
Bremner: Hands Through is often a very amusing game. Often it
is not for the dialogue, but for the strange things that Ryan consumes.
The nominees for the Ryan Stiles award of Worst
Thing Consumed in Hands Through
* Mochrie glances at Ryan, who's starting to look a little
green around the gills...
Bremner: The Aftershave
The Dog Food
The Peanut Colada
Bremner: And the winner is... The Dog
* Mochrie throws the can of dog food onto the stage
* Clive returns
Clive: Well, no surprise there... the dog food would of course
like to thank its family. And now straight on to the next award, with one
of our favourite American singers, your friend and his, Brad Sherwood.
* JonPryce notices the teenage girl section screaming with
Bradley: Please, ladies, hold your applause! A-hee-hee...and
hold your disappointment, CAptian Hot Studmuffin wasn't nominated for THE
WORLD CRISIS MONITOR TWIGLET FOR BEST SUPERHERO!
* scrmngfan squeals louder
* Bradley waves to his adoring...fan
Bradley: The nominees are, in no particular order besides which
one I like best personally...
Colin Mochrie for "Bimbo Woman" ...
hmm..reminds me of a girl I know...
* Mochrie glares at Brad
Mochrie: BRAD IS REALLY A WOMAN!!!
* Bradley glares
Vranch: Colin! This is no place for tabloid revelations!
Bradley: Hey buddy, you want I should show you just how much
a man I am??
Mochrie: No! Don't want to scare this audience!
Bradley: that's right baby!
Ryan Stiles for "Captain Hallucination"
Colin Mochrie for "Continuous Unfunny Pun
Steve Frost for "Laughing Nymphomaniac Woman"
Ryan Stiles for "Leg Humping Man"
Colin Mochrie for "Mispronunciation Boy"
AND Colin Mochrie for "Rhyming Couplet
Bradley: And the winner is.... aw man.... Ryan
Stiles for "Leg Humping Man". go figure..;)
* Mochrie cheers for his best bud Ryan
* Bradley whispers "Desmond" and hands Ryan the award
Ryan: I just don't know, about this... I must say though, That
was my most favourite Superhero for me!! Thank You!!
Bradley: he's gay, gay, gay...
* SFry flirts with JSessions again
JSessions: u should be flirting with Ryan...
* Bradley speaking in LMAD voice
Bradley: Bachelors and Bachelorettes, may I present the Twiglet
Twiglet for Best Party Quirk! The nominees who WOOED us in this
Colin Mochrie for "All Seven Dwarves"
Ryan Stiles for "Animals Crossing the Road"
Ryan Stiles for "Attached to the Door by Elastic"
Ryan Stiles for "Baby Learning to Walk"
Ryan Stiles for "Come to Ride Tony's Camel"
Colin Mochrie for "Experiencing Too Much Gravity"
AND Rory Bremner for "Thinks he's Tony"
Bradley: And the winner is......not me:) BUT: and may I say "YAY!".....
Mochrie for "All Seven Dwarves"
* Josie dances with joy!
* tslattery claps
* GregP applauds seven times!
* Bremner claps for Colin
Ryan: It's about time!!!!
* Mochrie stands up and walks to the stage
* Mochrie shakes Brad's hand
* Bradley rubs colin's bald head for luck and hands him the
* Ryan big thumbs up to Colin
Mochrie: Oh, what can I say! I'd like to thank all the little
people...all seven of them. Oh, and Gangly, wherever you are, god bless
* Mochrie bows, and returns to his seat.
* Clive walks out
Clive: And now, a man who has gone from Improv to Evita, the
one and only Jonathan Pryce.
JonPryce: I'm here to present the award Colin Mochrie loves,
because he can't lose! It's the Colin Mochrie
Twiglet for Getting Out of a Song!!! The nominees are:
The Banking March: "Of pounds, of francs...
The Being Stood Up Hoedown: "Here I've been
waiting! No call! (storms off)"
The Christmas Hoedown: "My cholestorol is
high and... (heart attack)"
The Gambling Hoedown: "I'm rich! I don't have
to do this! I can do anything I like!"
The Vasectomy Surgeon Hoedown: "I will now
sing German in my next verse. Ich lieber... uber trampolinin!"
And finally... Any Faintings
JonPryce: And the winner is... The Christmas
Hoedown: "My cholestorol is high and... (heart attack)"!!!!!!!!!
* Mochrie runs to the stage.
GregP: Ah, the first ever 'pulling a Colin'!
scrmngfan: I LOVE that one!!!
Vranch: the ORIGINAL
Ryan: YAY!! Buddy!!
Mochrie: Wow. I can't believe it!
* JonPryce hands Colin his umpeenteenth Twiglet
Mochrie: I have to say this .... -clasps hand to chest and collapses>
* Mochrie sees stars
* JSessions counts his awards.... um... none, zero, zilch...
* Clive walks in and calls someone to drag Colin off...
* Ryan takes Colin back and pockets the Twiglet
* Mochrie straggles back to his seat, and thumbs up to let people
know he's well.
Clive: And now a man who, in our long association, I have in
fact heard speak once or twice. I'm talking of course, of the marvellous
musician, Richard Vranch.
* Vranch does modern dance up to the stage
* JonPryce claps for the mute one!
Vranch: I have a pub I visit regularly, and when I enter, everyone
turns around and says "Hello Richard, how are you?" And I say" Quite
well, thank you...!" But my friend Tony Hawks had me taken away fro
going to a pub for small children! The nominees in this category of the
Twiglet for Best "Whose Line" Lineare as follows
"Does it usually throb like that?"
"Grease me up, I'm getting in!"
"It's time for the royal spanking"
"Stop tap dancing, you fool!"
"Take me, big boy, and kiss me like there's
"You must dance for me while I name some vegetables"
"You think more of that damn monkey than you
do of me!"
Vranch: And the winner is (drumroll - piano solo - guitar solo
- keyboard solo - modern dance break.///////) ... "Take
me, big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!"
* Bradley gasps!
* Mochrie cheers for our Bradley
(meanwhile, a slight 'kerfuffle' is going on in the audience!)
* Bradley walks to the stage and shakes Richie's hand..and tells
everyone to let him have his moment!
Bradley: Thanks for this award..and for..ruining...my....moment...
Mochrie: Let the resident Studmuffin have the floor!
* Bradley sobs and runs off the stage
* Mochrie pats Brad consolingly on the back.
* Bradley runs back and shows off his butt for the ladies, then
runs off again
GregP: It's just like the streaker who disrupted the Oscars...
* Clive charges out to the podium
Clive: And now, a woman who's been with us since the beginning,
and we still haven't managed to get rid of her. Ladies and gentleman, Josie
Josie: Thank you, darling Clive. I'm here to present a very special
award - the Deep Sea Nazi Captain Twiglet Award
for Best Credit Reading
Colin Mochrie...for "in as Many Positions
Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles
for "As Tony"
Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles for "Pitching
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie--"Two Guys Waiting
for the Bathroom"
Tony SLattery, Jim Sweeney, Steve Steen and
Mike McShane--"Two in a Fight, Two Trying to Stop Them"
and finally...Tony Slattery for "Soap Opera"
Josie: the envelope please.... the winner is....
* Bradley hands josie...oh..the ENVELOPE..
Josie: Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie and
Ryan Stiles for "As Tony"!!!!!
* Bradley cheers
Vranch: YES YES YES! (Oh Dear)
* tslattery booooooooooooooos
* GregP struts onstage, along with Colin and Ryan
* Mochrie high-fives Ryan and Greg
* Ryan joins Colin
* Josie shakes hands all around
* Mochrie gives Josie a hug
GregP: We'd like to Thank tony, for making it all possible!
* Ryan BIG SMOOCH FOR JOSIE
Mochrie: You da man, big guy!
GregP: Anyway, thank you very much. I'll turn it over to Ryan
* Mochrie meanders back to his seat
GregP: Or not...
* Ryan stays on stage with Josie
* GregP flees the stage.
Josie: And now the Dan Patterson Swooping
Twiglet for Worst Credit Reading....we must take the bad with
the good, folks. the nominees are...
John Sessions for "Any Credit Reading"
Rory Bremner for "Any Credit Reading"
Chip Esten for "Auctioneer"
Colin Mochrie for "Most Frustrated/Angry Man
in the World"
* Mochrie bows! Thankew! Thankew!
* SFry gives Colin a huge kiss
* SFry is a bit tipsy
* Mochrie props Stephen up.
Josie: and...oh dear..Greg Proops,
Josie Lawrence (!), Mike McShane, Paul Merton, Sandi Toksvig, and Tony
Slattery for "Christmas Carollers"!
also...Peter Cook for "New York Cab Driver"
and Ron West for "Prisoner on Death Row"
Josie: and the lucky winner is... John
Sessions--for "Any Credit Reading!!"
* Vranch laments the win of his fellow intellectual
Ryan: Was there any doubt??
GregP: Well, that one was a given...
* jsessions goes on to stage
* Josie congratulates John
jsessions: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!! I DEMAND A RE COUNT!
Bradley: but you WON john;)
jsessions: I DIDN'T WANT TO WIN THIS WAY!!!!!
* jsessions leaves stage
* jsessions goes back to seat in a huff
jsessions: IT IS STILL AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Clive returns to the stage
Clive: Well, charming, talented, popular... just a few words
which John would like to aspire to there.But what we come to now is a very
special point in our program, where I would like to take the opportunity
to present a Twiglet myself.
_Daniel_: Just like when he rapped himself :)
Clive: And the reason I'm presenting this Twiglet is because
it recognises an improviser who has come the furthest from when they started
with us. So, the nominees for the "Most Improved
Improviser Twiglet" are:
and Brad Sherwood.
Clive: Dan, the envelope please? And the winner of the "Most
Improved Improviser Twiglets" is... Colin Mochrie!
* Mochrie drops his jaw....picks it up, and staggers to the
Bradley: You used to suck!!!! YAY!!!
Mochrie: Well, la la la, lee lee. I'll never forget my first
show. No matter how I try. But you know, people can change, although not
for the better -smirk> ... I'd like to thank my buddy Ryan, for without
him, I probably wouldn't have had a second chance. This one's for you bud!
Bradley: they're gay gay gay
* Clive interrupts even though you weren't speaking
* Mochrie hugs Ryan again as he returns to his seat
Josie: so much love in this room
* SFry wipes a tear from his eye
Mochrie: Brad! Shut up, you woman!
Clive: Well, speaking of Ryan, here he is again, this time to
PRESENT an award, thank goodness.
Clive: HEY! I'm not bald, I'm taller than my hair.
tslattery: yeah right clive - than what about your neck
Clive: I'm taller than my neck too :)
GregP: He's taller than his neck, too. ... See?
tslattery: what neck?
SFry: Brad's a woman :)
GregP: Stephen, don;t you get involved!
Ryan: I'd like to thank you all for this award ... Oh..I'm presenting??
OK .. The category is 'The Steve Frost Twiglet
for the Best Crack-up'. The nominees are:
Tony, myself, and Colin in " You've turned
into Richard Burton"
Greg and Ryan in "The Dead Bodies Kiss"
Greg in "Just Put Your Breast There and ...Fibbbbb"
Greg in "Tony Splits his Pants"
Rory in "Is sperm you favourite?"
Tony in "Rory Doing Tony in Party Quirks"
and finally Tony in " And then I Kissed a
Labrador and Then I...."
GregP: I crack up a lot. You should have seen me in Vegas.
* Vranch has returned from the pub
SFry: Oh no, richard is stoned drunk watch out
Vranch: no I'm not. Tony Hawks told me I was in the
wrong pub so I went back to the ceremony
Ryan: The winner is ....... Greg, come up here and finisish that
GregP: Well, if you insist.....
Ryan: It's Greg and Myself in "Dead
* GregP runs up onstage and kisses Ryan.
GregP: I'd just like to say...
* Ryan spits
GregP: Colin, you're a master at making people kiss...
Mochrie: Has the Enquirer heard about this?
* SFry takes a picture
Mochrie: Well, of course! it's what I do best!
* SFry hides the camera
GregP: And you kiss pretty darn well yourself. i'll see you next
year when 'Weird Newscasters' gets nominated. Thanks, pookies.
* Mochrie winks at Greg
* GregP leaves the stage, looking for more people to kiss.
Mochrie: Scintillating, isn't it :)
Ryan: Thanx Greg. Next up, The Compilation
Twiglet for Funniest Stuff-up" The nominees are.....
Clive for "Fishing Rap"
Clive for "Old Knob, New Knob"
Josie for "Alphabet" or lack there of
Josie: hey! A....B....?
Colin for "Banking March Instrumental"
Ryan for "Nightmare Hoedown"
Mochrie: Cree-cheer cree-cheer!
* Mochrie holds up a m'eer!
and finally, Tony's infamous "F*** Off!!"
Ryan: And the winner is........ Thank God the ABC censors weren't
around for this...Tony's "F*** Off!!"
* Mochrie gives Tony a -bleep>
* tslattery walks to stage
tslattery: well if i had to win an award for something else besides
best contestant i was hoping it would be the one where i swear at clive.
* tslattery leaves stage and trys to eat trophy
* Josie warns him it won't work
Vranch: that marmite will kill you!
* GregP peels off the top layer of trophy ... hey, it's chocolate...
Bradley: It's Cliv-licious!
Mochrie: Clive-a-licious! :)
tslattery: IS THERE A DENTIST IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!
* Clive abseils down to the stage from the roof
Clive: Well, thankyou very much Tony. And we're never having
you on the awards again.
* Vranch applauds his fellow Cambridge Man
Clive: We're now coming up to some of the more important awards
of the evening, and I've asked whether I could present these next two myself.
I was told no, but after threatening to resign and sell Dan's photos to
the press, they agreed. And so we come to the Nameless
Twiglet for Funniest Moment. And the nominees for this are:
Myself for "Fishing Rap"
Colin Mochrie for "Dinosaurs"
Ryan Stiles for "Taxidermist"
Tony Slattery for "Eating Dog Food"
Tony Slattery for "Realises Rory is imitating
Tony Slattery for "Party Quirks F*** off"
and Tony Slattery for "Splitting his pants"
Clive: And the winner is... oh no, it's him. Tony
Slattery for "Realises Rory is imitating him."
* tslattery walks up on stage
tslattery: well 2 in a row that should get clive a little
mad. i was hoping i would get 2 in a row for the F*** off but hey i got
* tslattery leaves stage and trys eating this one
GregP: Peel off the wrapping first, Tony.
Vranch: Anthony Deklan James Slattery! I told you -
Marmite is bad for your teeth!
tslattery: where is that dentist
Clive: And now, onto the Authors Twiglet
for Funniest Line from the show. There were many nominated for
this category, many made it through and now only one can be the winner.
So which will it be? The nominees are:
"Are you Jewish?"
"Can brothers survive if forced to eat lentils
and live in a tent?"
"I'm a doctor!" "I didn't know you were a
doctor!" "Well... not a real one!"
"Hey, who invited the chicks?"
"I love the Dutch!"
"It's poultry in motion!"
"Someone's coming in my ear..."
* Mochrie grins at Ryan
"This courtroom is a Mochrie!"
"Oh, I know, you're doing tai-chi!" "No, I'm
just a wanker!"
and finally, "What are you doing with that
Clive: And the winner is... (Dan, the envelope?) Oh, I'm sorry,
I've had the envelope placed on the desk in front of me. Inside the envelope
is a winner, which I will have to read out and then Tony will have to try
and guess... sorry... The winner is: "This courtroom
is a Mochrie!". The award to be collected by the man himself,
* GregP applauds and whostles for Colin, who's racking 'em
* Mochrie waltzes up to the stage
* Mochrie shakes Clive's hand
Ryan: The Glare!!!
Mochrie: THIS AWARD CEREMONY IS A MOCHRIE!! ... I'd like to thank
my family for having the name Mochrie! They'll be dancing in the streets
of Kilmarnock! Thanks again, and god bless!
Clive: Uh... Colin, before you go... knowing your experience
in the area, perhaps you'd like to present a couple of our musical Twiglets?
Mochrie: Sure clive.
Mochrie: Well, let's move on to our next category ... The
Tuneless Twiglet for Worst Song. First of all, we should thank
Richard for providing the music that makes WLiiA what it is....cheap.
* Vranch bows a nice Oxford JRF bow
Mochrie: But anyway, the best of the worst nominees are....
John Sessions for "Any Song"
Josie Lawrence and Mike McShane for "Cat Litter
Greg, Colin, Ryan and Brad for "Making Cheese
Josie Lawrence for "Any Heavy Metal Song Styles"
Josie Lawrence for "Stapler Irish Jig (song
Josie Lawrence for "On the M25 (song styles)"
And finally...John Sessions for "TV Set Folk
Song (song styles)"
Mochrie: And the winner is.......
* Mochrie grabs envelope, tears it open, and peers at the contents.
Mochrie: Hey, is this in Swedish?....oh, it's upside down. The
winner of this prestigious award goes to.... John
Sessions for "Any Song"
jsessions: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>
OUTRAGE. THIS HAS BEEN FIXED
SFry: John, let's just go and sit down and calm down
Vranch: a "hand" outrage?
* Mochrie hands John his Twiglet.
jsessions: I"M LEAVING
* jsessions leaves building
GregP: Sessions has left the building.
Mochrie: Let's move on shall we...our next category is The
Bartender's Twiglet for Best Song.
Merts: Apologies for being late - how much did I miss?
* GregP hands Paul the award he won earlier for "best put-down".
Mochrie: The nominees for this category are....
Tony Slattery and Josie Lawrence for "Angry
About His Middle Name (Bartender)"
Tony Slattery and Mike McShane for "In Love
With The Bartender"
Ryan Stiles and Mike McShane for "Queen Roy
Josie Lawrence and Caroline Quentin for "The
Beached Whale Duet"
Josie Lawrence and Mike McShane for "The Cat
John, Paul, Josie and Archie for "The Guard
on the Northern Line Opera"
Tony Slattery and Mike McShane for "Angry
About His Clothes (Bartender)"
Niall Ashdown for "Love Song to Drew The Stripper"
John Sessions for "TV Set Folk Song"
Mochrie: And the winner is...............
* Mochrie opens his envelope and glances at the fine print....void
Mochrie: The winners of this award are....Tony
Slattery and Mike McShane for "In Love With The Bartender"
* tslattery gose up to stage
tslattery: i would like to accept this award on mine and mike's
behalf and would like to say i laughed and laughed at that song. thank
Clive: Tony, you might as well stay up here and present a couple
of game awards while you're at it.
tslattery: the next award is the cutting
edge twiglet for worst indvidual game. the nominees are...
alphabet with josie and sandi
any authors (i think we have a winner)
american musical - going to a party, maze
and going gliding
american musical - puberty, seeing a tv show
recording,a cup of tea
film dub - b&w robots(from the pilot)
the space travel hoedown
and panel - smoking
* Bradley whispers "anything from the pilot"
tslattery: the winners are
* tslattery asks Dan where is the envolope?
tslattery: ok and the winner is ANY
AUTHORS with no suprise to me
JonPryce: Does this mean everyone who's participated in authors
Ryan: A bit before my time
SFry: Does that mean me?
* SFry runs up to the stage
SFry: I accept this award for all the people out there
* Security pulls Fry off the stage
Dan: Well, as the person in charge of this sort of thing, let
me say how gratifying it is to see that you like the games we still play.
Or rather, that you don't like the ones we've got rid of. And we can assure
you that Drew will never be allowed to play Authors no matter how much
he begs. Now, get on with it!!!!
tslattery: well anyway the next award is the ROTFL
Twiglet for the best indivudal game. the nominees are:
expert translation - volvos
JonPryce: Don't forget to show a clip: "Have you ever had
sex with a horse?"
film trailer - the creature from essex
opera - gaurd on the northern line
party quirks - all 7 dwarfs, cameras, animals
crossing the road
questions only - front desk of a hotel
scene to music - washing powder
and the world's worst person to sit next to
on an airplane
tslattery: and the winner is..... party
quirks - all 7 dwarfs, cameras, animals crossing the road,
done by colin ryan and mike
Ryan: Me and you again Colin!! And Mike...
Mochrie: Yeah, can you believe it?
tslattery: come on up and get your trophys but don't eat
* Ryan wakes Colin up and goes to stage
* Mochrie walks to the stage
Ryan: Is Mike here, or back at the buffet?
tslattery: he left
JonPryce: Maybe he's on the set of "Frasier"?
* SFry runs up and hugs Colin
* SFry then sits back down and smiles
* Ryan take Twiglet and escorts Colin offstage
Clive: that's tony you've got there, ryan...
Clive: over to you, Bimbo Woman.
Mochrie: While I'm up here, I think I'll present the next award.
For The Fast Forward Twiglet for Worst Game,
the nominees are...
and Song Titles
Mochrie: And the best of the worst is ....
* Mochrie opens envelope with a flourish
Mochrie: You may already have won a large cash prize....no,
wait... The winner is AUTHORS!
* Dan walks up
Dan: Well, I must reiterate what a great sign it is that the
game you don't like most of all is one we don't play any more.
* JonPryce throws some brie at the stage.
Dan: Might I also point out here that... thanks for the cheese,
too... that the guy who came up with that idea is long gone. Actually,
I believe he might be running the company now, so I'd better shut up. Back
to you, Mr Mochrie, and.. sorry about that 'going back to Canada' joke,
Mochrie: Now many contestants have come and gone over the years.
This next award is dedicated to those players who have come on, and never
come back! I'm speaking of course of The Unhappy
Twiglet for Worst Contestant. The nominees are....
Archibald...sorry, Archie Hahn
George McGrath...(no relation to George McGrath-Ruiz)
and finally John Sessions.
Mochrie: And the winner of this fine trophy is none other than.....
* Mochrie opens the envelope
Mochrie: Well, kiss my grits! JOHN
* JonPryce doesn't know whether to be filled with sympathy
GregP: As John gives himself a hand...
jsessions: THAT IS IT I"M OUT OF HERE
* jsessions leaves building
Clive: Well, thankyou Colin, and John... Brilliant, fantastic,
and amazing... just some of the words that can describe John. Or so he
tells me. And so that brings us to the final, and perhaps the most important,
awards of the night. So important, in fact, that I couldn't bear to entrust
their presentation to anybody who wasn't brilliant, fantastic and amazing.
So here are the nominees. The nominees for the Golden
Twiglet, for Best Game are:
Clive: And the winner is... The envelope, Dan, the ENVELOPE!
Dan: here you go clive
Clive: The winner is... Clivey-Baby, how about we get tog...
the RIGHT envelope, Dan!
Dan: oh sorry here it is
Clive: Thankyou. The winner is: Party
GregP: 'Dear Sexy Knickers...'
Clive: And to collect the award I call on Paul Merton, Tony Slattery
and Greg Proops, my favourite hosts.
* GregP runs up to the stage
* tslattery walks onto stage
* Merts joins tslattery
GregP: Thank you. It's an honor to be your straight man for this
particular game. And I assure you, I am a straight man.
tslattery: thank you for voting for this game
GregP: Thank you very much, and I promise to never serve Twiglets
at my parties ever again.
* tslattery leaves stage
* GregP leaves the stage in search of a party
Clive: And so this is it. We've been through games, foodstuff,
props and words... but now it's time to find out, once and for all, the
favourite contestant on Whose Line. The nominees are:
And Ryan Stiles.
GregP: You can feel the antici....pation
Ryan: Colin: Hope you win Buddy!!
Mochrie: Hope you win, Ryan!
Dan: here is the envolope clive
Clive: And the Ultra-Special Platinum
Whoser Twiglet for the Best Contestant goes to...
JonPryce: Un ze big vinner iz...?
* SFry hopes nobody winds
GregP: winds! That's disgusting!
Vranch: charcoal should help, Stephen
JonPryce: Eating apples, I heard, is good.
Clive: RYAN STILES!
* Mochrie cheers for his buddy!
Ryan: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Bradley: dang, my write in campaign didn't work..
* GregP leads the crowd in a standing ovation!!!!!!!!
* JonPryce cheers - but everyone saw it coming :)
* Mochrie gives Ryan a big bear hug
Vranch: you nominated yourself, Sherwood, or was that your
wife, that Southern Belle chickie?
* Josie applauds, then collapses in exhaustion
* scrmngfan jumps up and down, yelling loudly
* Mochrie cheers himself hoarse
* Ryan goes to the stage, pauses, does the Gazelle look, and
Ryan: Thanks Mr Patterson
GregP: Speech! speech! Short speech!
Ryan: Firstly, I would like to ask Colin to come up on stage
and join me!!!
* Mochrie joins Ryan on the stage
Bradley: Ashley organized the write in campaign..she just
didn't do a good enough job!
* Josie pulls out her tissues
Vranch: Odd - I've heard there are doctoral theses shorter
than her letters!
Ryan: This is the man who helped me win this award... I would
just like to thank all of you and our viewers for this great honour!! Oh
Steve. Can you bring my car around to the front?
* Ryan Hugs Colin and waves to the crowd
* Mochrie cheers vociferously
Clive: Alright, now Ryan, if you'd like to read the credits in
a style of my choosing?... Just kidding... ladies and gentleman, there
will be a champagne party going all night at Dan's place, if you'd care
to join me, but until then, this is me, Clive Anderson, saying goodnight.
* Mochrie cheers!!!
* GregP grabs the gin and tonic ... PARTY TIME!