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In association with Amazon.com
Mark's Guide to
Whose Line is it Anyway?

2000 Twiglets Transcript

The 2000 Twiglets were presented on January 26th 2001. An IRC channel was used by Whosers to join the 'live presentation' in the Whoselywood Theater of Las Vegas where many contestants waited to present and receive the various awards.
For once it was all over at a reasonable hour, though we have been unable to determine just how late some of the old-timers were out at the after-parties. But as far as we could tell, the more recent contestants were not obviously affected by alcohol or lack of sleep when they performed in the Pay Per View specials the following night.
With many of the Worst awards dropped, John Sessions chose not to attend this years' awards, but Tony Slattery took on the onerous task of acting bitter and annoying everyone. So now, in the light of day, let's take a look back at the events of that fateful night, so we know what to deny in case of any lawsuits being filed (and to provide an alibi should anyone there need it).

And should it need to be said, don't believe everything you read! Beyond the IRC bit, anything that coincides with actual events in Vegas that night is purely coincidental. The contestants are played by the Whosers, all opinions and characterisations are the individuals' and I have no idea who was responsible for who :)

PRESHOW - SHOW BEGINS - THE AWARDS
Hottest Audience Member / Best Comeback Player / Most Improved Player
Worst Contestant / Worst Game / Best Crack-Up / Best Kiss / Biggest Fashion Statement
Best Smile / Best Intro / Best 'What The...' Moment / Best Put Down / Best New Game
INTERMISSION
Best Superhero / Best Party Quirk / Best Prop Use
Greatest Greatest Hits Song Title / Best Scene From A Hat
Best Whose Line Line / Best Credit Reading / Funniest Line
Funniest Moment / Best Individual Game / Best Song / Best Game
BEST CONTESTANT
POST-SHOW PARTY

NB: Parts were played by Whosers, I take responsibility only for Dan and Clive :)

The 'cast' present in order of arrival were:
Dan Patterson (Dan), Clive Anderson (Clive), Greg Proops (Greg), Paul Merton (Paul), Ardal O'Hanlon (Ardal), Niall Ashdown (NiallAsh), Robin Williams (Robin_W), Kathryn Greenwood (KathyG), Brad Sherwood (Brad_Sher), Laura Hall (LauraHall), Denny Siegel (Denny), Karen Maruyama (Maruyama), Drew Carey (DrewCarey), Richard Vranch (RichardV), Enn Reitel (EnnReitel), Rory Bremner (Bremner), Denny's (evil?) twin (DennyTwin), Josie Lawrence (JosieL), Colin Mochrie (Colin), Mykola Pawluk (Mykola), Eddie Izzard (EddieIzz), Steve Frost (SFrost), 'The Cat' (TheCat), Captain Hair (CptnHair), Melissa (Melissa), Wayne Brady (WBrady), Jane Bigger (JaneBigge), Mykola Pawluk (MykolaP).


Preshow

(Clive is seen stuffing the envelopes. Greg and Paul arrive)

Greg: excellent, dudes! Ocelot, ocelot, nyah nyah nyah nyah! God, you're bald, Clive!
Paul: Twiglet Greg?
Greg: Thanks, Paul!
Clive: I'm not bald, I'm taller than my hair...
Paul: Just keep telling yourself that....

(Ardal arrives but leaves immediately)

Clive: well, he didn't stay long. Must've been a father ted emergency...

(NiallAsh's satellite connection from England comes through)

Greg: Niall! Dude!
Paul: Hey! Twiglet?
NiallAsh: no thanks - i'mon a diet
Greg: that's okay, man, they're not really a food
Paul: They are too! The party food of choice :p
NiallAsh: they are British bred, and don't you forget it, homeboy ;)
Greg: For our American friends, that would be stale crap in the form of a stick ;)
Paul: You just can't appreciate them! Humph!
NiallAsh: for our British friends, an American is one of those people descended from the Devonians who felt like a boat trip ;)
Greg: You think you're so smart ;)
Paul: Is that what they are? I had no clue

(Robin_W arrives)

Greg: wow, a megastar in our midst
(Robin_W bows)
(Paul tries to look awed)
Greg: Paul, where's your tie, dude? This is an awards show
Paul: I was supposed to wear a tie? Damn it. Lemme get on mi moped and go get one...
(Robin_W changes out of the Mrs. Doubtfire dress)
(Paul goes off and gets a nice grey tie)
Greg: Like the suit? Hugo Boss, of course :)
(Paul puts on the tie.)
Paul: What do you think?
Greg: those polka dots are kind of loud
Greg: here, have one of mine. They're all impeccable
Paul: Where'd the polka dots come from? It's a grey tie!
Greg: same place as your moped, man!
(Paul solemly contemplates the new tie.)
Paul: Oh stuff it, Greg.
(Paul tosses the tie over my shoulder)

(Slattery enters)

Greg: Tony! Dude!
Slattery: Hey, how are you? And how are your breasts as well?
Paul: Hello Tony.
Robin_W: I am a famous, rather squat, hairy American movie star
Greg: Dude, could you let Clive borrow some of that hair?
(Robin_W gives Clive some hair from his ass)
(Paul is thankful that he still has hair)
Greg: See, I look out for you, Mr. A

(KathyG and Brad_Sher enter)

Greg: Hola, monkey dude.
Brad_Sher: Hi, Greg
KathyG: I am new to all of this
Brad_Sher: Hey, Kathy, want to recreate that paramedic scene?
(Paul passes Kathy a twiglet)
(Brad_Sher picks nose with Twiglet)
(Paul watches in horror at what is happening to his beloved snack food)
(Brad_Sher gives Twiglet back to Paul)
Paul: Keep it.

(LauraHall enters)

Greg: Well, hi, Laura. Nice to see you again ;)
LauraHall: hi
Greg: excellent. We've got music now
(Brad_Sher gives Laura a red rose)
LauraHall: brad's always such a flirt
(Robin_W takes the rose and eats it)
(Robin_W burps)
(KathyG leaves temporarily)
Brad_Sher: Robin! This tulip was for you...
Robin_W: awww!
(Paul is sickened by the display of sap)
(Brad_Sher gives Paul a maple tree)
(LauraHall wonders why joan rivers isn't asking us about who we're wearing tonight)
Greg: throw up on my suit, Merton, and I'll kill you
(Paul throws up water on Greg)
Greg: You've got to respect the threads, dude
(Greg kisses Paul)
LauraHall: brb break you know
LauraHall: union rules

(SueB enters and runs up to Greg)

SueB: Oh, oh. :)
(Robin_W runs up and gives Sue a big smooch)
Paul: Eww
(SueB kisses back)
Greg: hi, Sue! How's my favorite fan?
SueB: I am giving you the BIGGEST HUG OF YOUR LIFE! :)
Slattery: I've got no bloody fans in this chat room!
SueB: Don't tell your lovely wife. ;)
Greg: Pooky!
SueB: TONY, we love you. :)
Brad_Sher: You've got me, Tony.
Greg: My wife? Where?
SueB: Brad who?
SueB: FEELING THE LLOVE.
(Greg looks around)
Brad_S: Brad who???!!!!
Slattery: Why thank you!
Greg: She always says that.
Brad_S: She's just in love with my Austin Powers-like chest hair, I guess
(Paul mopes quietly in the corner)

(SueB leaves as Denny enters)

Greg: Tony, I love you. Come give me a smooch
Robin_W: chest hair? i have loads of that!!
(LauraHall returns)
Slattery: Sorry, no smooches from me? Have you met my partner Mike?
Greg: anyone remember when I lost my virginity to Clive? *sigh*
Clive: how could i forget...
(Paul tries to contain a snicker)
Paul: Was it good?
Slattery: I laughed hysterically!
Denny: Greg, you lost it to me! Don't you remember??? :) (*dreaming*)
LauraHall: you know, this is what locking me behind the piano does. 1st chance I get to speak, I go for it!
NiallAsh: his head glowed :)
Brad_Sher: Oh, you're just some big star who was brought in as a ratings ploy, Rob. And I was supposed to be on that week!
NiallAsh: when you look like you, you've gotto get it where you can :)

(Maruyama arrives)

Greg: Karen! Darling!
(LauraHall thinks the logic train has ran over denny)
Denny: Loved your shirt last night, Brad.
Robin_W: you're just jealous.. it WORKED!
(Paul cheers on Robin)
(LauraHall slaps Denny around a bit with a lovely ocelot boa)
(Robin_W makes a monkey face at Brad)
Brad_Sher: Loved your shirt too, Denny.
Denny: Laura, you're such a DIVA!!!!!!!!! :P
(Brad_Sher calls upon his monkey army to fling poo at Robin)
Greg: NOT ON MY SUIT!
Paul: Did you stuff the ballot box yet, Clive?
Denny: NEVER on his suit. :)
Paul: Oh god, that would be a tragedy now, wouldn't it?
(Robin_W takes the monkey and flings it at Brad)
Clive: i was doing it just before everyone got here... but don't tell anyone.
Greg: Eww... now I have to do my hair again
(Brad_Sher catches the monkey and kisses it)
Paul: Too late now...
Greg: unlike Clive ;)
Denny: Your hair looks swell, no worries. :)
Brad_Sher: Oh, now, did that bad man fling you?
Clive: actually I found it was easier just to stuff a different name in the envelope...

(as Clive organises the cast, Greg and Denny wander off together...)

(Robin_W sits upsidedown Mork-style in his seat)
Paul: Is that comfortable Robin?
(Brad_Sher sits upside-down in KathyG's seat)

(DrewCarey enters)

Denny: Drew, put your glasses back on. :)
(DrewCarey puts on his glasses...)
Denny: You look funny w/out 'em .:)
(LauraHall thinks Clive's better than Drew)
(DrewCarey fires LauraHall)
DrewCarey: Hello and welcome to Whose Twiglet is it, Anyway? The show where everyone's late and the points don't matter.

Dan: All right, we're on in 10...
(KathyG returns)
DrewCarey: We'll be right back to Whose Line is it, Anyway, minus Ryan Stiles, in just a moment
(Brad_Sher gets out of being upside down in Kathy's chair
Denny: Welcome, Kathy. Just sit there and look pretty. :)
DrewCarey: And judging by the points... The hot chicks will be playing Foreign Film Dub with me
DrewCarey: and I'll be stripping :-)

Dan: Cue the theme music. Tight shot on Clive. And... take 4


The Show

(Clive sits at a slot machine)
Clive: Good evening and welcome to the third annual Twiglet awards.
Clive: Tonight, coming to you live from the Whoselywood Theater at the MSG Grand Casino, Las Vegas.

(Denny applauds)
(Paul throws up on Greg's suit
Paul: Sorry. Bad mental image there.
Greg: that's it, Paul, you're dead meat
Slattery: Well, now we're getting graphic!
(Maruyama adjusts her good suspenders)
(DrewCarey hands Greg a towel. (It's okay, Pooky))

(Clive pulls the lever and then stands... behind him, the machine starts paying out)

(NiallAsh gets a three second delay via satellite)
(Paul sits as far from Greg as possible)

(Clive walks through the rows of slot machines)

(Brad_Sher moves closer to Kathy)
(KathyG is very flattered by all this attention)

Clive: And what a show we have tonight. Some of the greatest moments from the classic old show right up to the latest in everything Whose Line.
(Clive walks along the corridor)
Clive: And some prestigious guests from the show to present and accept the various awards.

NiallAsh: where everything's made up and Drew Carey doesn't matter

(Clive enters the rear of the theater)

DrewCarey: That's right, I don't matter, just like Vanilla Ice's book of rapping tips.
Robin_W: kinky, Clive
(Paul looks sullen)

Clive: And all coming to you live on pay-per-view from here.

(Greg claps politely for Clive)
Denny: Two for one! Two for one!

Clive: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2000 Twiglet Awards!

Slattery: YAY!!
(Denny applauds)
(Paul claps politely
DrewCarey: ...where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.
(Robin_W hoots)
(DrewCarey grins)
(Slattery Claps wildly)
(Denny looks cute)
(Brad_Sher commands his monkeys to clap politely)


THE AWARDS

Dan: (cue theme music & graphics)

(Clive is now up on the stage)

(LauraHall is grateful she doesn't have to play tonight)
NiallAsh: looking as bald as ever

Clive: Good evening and welcome to the 2000 Twiglet awards, where the votes are made up and the winners don't matter.

(KathyG smiles like she knows what is going on)
(NiallAsh would like to point out that Clive's new show is shite :))
(Richard_V sneaks in through the fire entrance)
(Denny twirls in excitement)
(DrewCarey laughs hysterically at everything Kathy's doing.)
Robin_W: Richard the Fifth?
NiallAsh: lol
Richard_V: ha ha, no silly
(Denny looks at Kathy in wonderment
Robin_W: My leige
(Robin_W bows expanisvely)
NiallAsh: hehe
NiallAsh: good reposte :)

Clive: We'd like to get the ball rolling quickly, and what better way to start than by giving some respect out to those who appreciate us so much.

Brad_Sher: Who would that be, again?
(KathyG looks at Denny with curiosity)
Robin_W: keep your post to yourself, Niall :-)
(Greg accepts the roses thrown at his feet)

Clive: And no, I'm not referring to the ABC censors who we keep in jobs.

NiallAsh: what sort ofjobs?:)
Greg: **** them anyway
DrewCarey: Perhaps you recognize me from "Thighs Wide Shut"...
Denny: LOL

Clive: To present our first award, here's Niall Ashdown.

NiallAsh: Good evening *satellite interference*

DrewCarey: Niall... who?
(DrewCarey looks around, confused)

These are the nominations for the FreezeFrame Twiglet for Hottest Audience Member

Greg: shhhh... I want to hear in case I win
Greg: oh, darn
Paul: You can't win for this, you twit
Brad_Sher: It could be me now, though...

NiallAsh: Global Warming guy - episode 5.01

DrewCarey: And don't forget, I picked them
DrewCarey: Do I get an award for that?
Denny: Dream on, Mr. S.

Paul: Congratulations Drew, you have eyes.

NiallAsh: Woman behind Clive - episode 7.07

NiallAsh: Bridget from Moving People - episode 7.10

DrewCarey: Ah, good old "Woman behind Clive"... we all know her well
Slattery: The one with her hair in a thing?
Clive: I remember her extremely well... but that all happened off-camera.

NiallAsh: Ashley (flubbalubbaba) from Song Styles - episode 10.04

Denny: Is this the Whoser Ashley?
Clive: yup
(Robin_W wolf whistles)
Brad_Sher: Go Ashley!
DrewCarey: I've heard of this Ashley
Denny: LOL. Brad, shhhhhhh.

NiallAsh: and Melissa of the Party Quirks underwear incident - episode 13.01
NiallAsh: and the winner is..............

Slattery: GO MELISSA!
DrewCarey: Ah, Melissa...

(NiallAsh opens envelope,with a three second satellite delay*.....)

(Robin_W waits)
Slattery: Just hurry up
(DrewCarey thinks, Melissa...)
(Robin_W buys Niall a better satellite)

NiallAsh: MELISSA OF THE PARTY QUIRKS UNDERWEAR INCIDENT!!!!!!

(Greg claps wildly)
DrewCarey: Hooray!
Robin_W: WOOHOO!!!
LauraHall: applause
(Paul claps)
(Maruyama pouts(
Slattery: YES!!!!!!!
(Robin_W whistles)
(DrewCarey has a heart attack)
Paul: Why are you pouting?
(KathyG applauds)
(Brad_Sher applauds politely)
Maruyama: i think Ash deserved it!
(Denny thinks it should have been Ashley, but okay)
Paul: Sore loser much Brad?

NiallAsh: is she with me in the UK to collect it personally?

Slattery: I love underwear
Greg: She deserves it for having been a good sport
Slattery: I love underwear!

Clive: we've given her a flight out there to collect it via satellite.

(Robin_W hums the thong song)
Maruyama: Ash deserves it for being on of us! but anyway...
Denny: And having 3 hoedowns about her.
Brad_Sher: Not like you, Paul...
DrewCarey: So who will accept this award, I wonder?
Denny: True, Ms. M.
Paul: I am not a sore loser! Humph!
Denny: Drew, you should.

NiallAsh: congratulations Melissa - I understandyou have been unable to speak sincethe incident...
NiallAsh: but here's your Twiglet - hope the therapy is going well

(Denny snickers)
Robin_W: I know a good therapist...
DrewCarey: If anything, I'd say this would be Wayne's award
Clive: that's just because she hasn't signed a release form...
LauraHall: if ryan were here he could accept
DrewCarey: Go Wayne, go Wayne...
Denny: But Wayne is busy taping his new show.

(NiallAsh waves to Whoselyville goodnight)
(NiallAsh disappears from the screen, replaced by a Channel 4 logo........)

DrewCarey: Too bad we couldn't afford Ryan or Wayne... or Colin
Greg: later, Niall
Denny: We are a low budget affair, alas.
Slattery: But still worthwhile
Richard_V: ryan just didn't want to fly all that way

(Clive is standing on the travelator outside Belly's Casino)

DrewCarey: I'll just take donations for a new show
Denny: Absolutely!

Clive: Well, congratulations Melissa. Good luck with the therapy.

Denny: I'll just take an EP. PLEASE! *begging*
(DrewCarey thinks, "Belly's Casino...?")
(Paul drops a few pennies into Drew's hand)
(Paul is puzzled as well)
DrewCarey: I'm rich... oh, wait, are these British pennies?

Clive: Now, our next presenter appears often on the show but maybe doesn't get the recognition the others sometimes do.

Greg: that can't be me
(Slattery *Impatiently waits for next award*)
Denny: LOL. Not you, Pookie
DrewCarey: Don't worry Pookie
Greg: I'll pookie you, Drew
DrewCarey: You'll what?

Clive: To present the next two awards, our lovely lady pianist (who is occasionally accompanied by three very lovely girls), Laura Hall.

(Clive reaches the end of the travelator and trips over)

(Paul will pay to watch that)
(Denny applauds for a fellow female)
(Brad_Sher cheers Laura)
Richard_V: YAY!!! Go ladies!
DrewCarey: aww...

LauraHall: thank you

Greg: Yeah Laura!
(Paul claps for Laura)
DrewCarey: I think we need to make it four, now, though... remember the violin girl?
(Denny claps for Laura)
Denny: Right.
DrewCarey: Katie Gerard
Denny: Tres bien!
(Brad_Sher does the "go laura, go laura" thing where you move your arms around in a circle too)
(Denny thinks Brad is just jonesing for the ladies tonight)

LauraHall: Wow, it's like I was here yesterday. I'm going to present the Deja Vu tuiglet for best comeback player. And the nominees are...

LauraHall: Rory Bremner

(KathyG powders her nose)
Greg: Tony, you've got some white powder under your nose

LauraHall: Chip Esten

(DrewCarey wonders what his chances are with the ladies)
Slattery: Go Chip!

LauraHall: Stephen Fry

(Paul says slim and none)

LauraHall: Josie Lawrence

LauraHall: Brad Sherwood

Brad_Sher: Hey, that's me!
Slattery: Go Chip!
DrewCarey: Go Brad!
Greg: good luck, monkey man
Denny: Maybe it'll get you more gigs, Brad. Good luck.
Slattery: Go Chip!

LauraHall: And the twiglet goes to...(notice I didn't open it early like Liz Taylor did at the golden globes, this is a high class affair)

LauraHall: and the twiglet goes to Brad Sherwood

Slattery: Damn!
(DrewCarey would probably root for someone else... but is actually a ventriloquest's dummy for Brad)
Denny: Well, now! Hurrah!
(Greg kisses Brad)
Paul: Congratulations, Brad.
(Brad_Sher is so excited)
(Robin_W throws poo)
(Paul ducks)
(Brad_Sher especially by the kiss)
(DrewCarey has a heart attack)
Greg: Liz Taylor is an ancient hag
(Denny gives Brad a big hug)
(DrewCarey does a spit take)

(Brad_Sher returns hug)
(Brad_Sher walks up on stage.)

Slattery: Well congrats, Bard!
Denny: Congrats, fellow 4th seater.
DrewCarey: Brad and Greg, in the same room together?
DrewCarey: weird...
Denny: Darb!
(Greg gives Brad hotel room key for later this evening)
Denny: Never before, never again, Drewster.
Slattery: Not Bard, Brad!

Brad_Sher: Wow, this is... just amazing. It's like a compliment, that even my monkey can't explain.

DrewCarey: he's a bard too, though
Slattery: Of course
(Greg wipes away a strategic tear)

LauraHall: Thank you. Remember, I don't normally speak, so I'm going to milk it for all I can.
Brad_Sher: I'd like to thank Toyn, for his unyielding support, and Drew, who I'm sure will put me back on now, and Greg for his very existence, even though we've never actually met.

Denny: And...me???
(DrewCarey would like to put Brad back on... but Dan says no)
Slattery: Thank you for thanking me and if I win, I'll thank you even though I've never even met you
(Denny wipes away the tears)

(Brad_Sher just beats the music)
Brad_Sher: And Denny!
LauraHall: Oh, Brad, I thought you were done. I hear the music. You have a press conference to attend now.

Denny: Brad? Long winded? SHOCKING.
(Brad_Sher attends press conference)
Denny: :)
Slattery: But it's my bloody press conference! Shut it!
Paul: Oh shove it, Tony.
(Brad_Sher lets Toyn have the press conference and goes to talk to Denny)

LauraHall: The next award is something that I've had a little experience with, having had to take piano lessons for so long.

Denny: But they have certainly paid off!!!
Slattery: Am I a space traveller?
DrewCarey: definitely
(Denny *high fiving Laura*)

LauraHall: The next aware is for the Practice makes perfect, Most Improved award.

LauraHall: The nominees are: Wayne Brady
LauraHall: Rory Bremner
LauraHall: Drew Carey
LauraHall: Chip Esten
LauraHall: Denny Siegel
LauraHall: and Ryan Stiles

(DrewCarey crosses fingers)
Slattery: Go Chip!
Brad_Sher: Go Drew!
DrewCarey: hey...
Brad_Sher: Go Denny!
Denny: Yay! Go, me! :)
Denny: Thank you, Brad. HUGS!
(DrewCarey knows the real reason Tony's not on DL)
(Paul guns for whoever wins)
Slattery: Ryan hasn't improved, though. He's just stayed hilarious

LauraHall: and the twiglet goes to.... Chip Esten

DrewCarey: *sniff*
Slattery: Shut it, Drew!
(Denny applauds politely)
(Greg claps for Chip)
(Denny actually VOTED for Chip)
(DrewCarey cries into his drink)
(Brad_Sher consoles Denny and applauds Chip)
(Robin_W blows kisses to Chip)
(Paul claps)
Greg: You were great last night, by the way, dude
(Denny thanks Brad)
(DrewCarey is all alone... so alone...)
Greg: um... on the show, I mean
Paul: Of course you do
Denny: Drew, two shows. Think about it.
Greg: who's accepting for Chip?

LauraHall: Chip was unable to make it, he got stuck in a hollywood square, so the twiglet academy accepts on his behalf.

Denny: The Academy du Twiglets.
DrewCarey: well, at least we know he's in a happy place
(Greg had prepared a congratulatory shag for Denny :()
Robin_W: I was only here to help with the ratings. Night all. :-)
Denny: Next time, Greg. But thanks.
Greg: later, dude. Remember it's sweeps next month
(Robin_W leaves the building)
(DrewCarey will accept the shag...)
Denny: (Or we can just do it anyway....)
Denny: LOL
Greg: Yeah, right, Drew
DrewCarey: fine, you're fired

Greg: I mean right now, if you want
(Brad_Sher has prepared a consolation shag for Denny, even though he's been touched by KathyG)
Denny: Like you USE him, anyway.

Clive stands on the bridge near the Tropicola Casino

Slattery: Clive will be broke by the end of the evening

Clive: Our next presenter is fairly well known. So I probably don't need to say anything more than 'simian'

(DrewCarey applauds)
(Denny accepts shags from anyone, along w/ offers to work on TV)
(LauraHall wonders who that could be)

Clive: With the next two awards - brad Sherwood.

Paul: Hire me Drew? I promise not to mock you...
(Denny applauds Brad)
(Paul claps for Brad)
DrewCarey: isn't that what you told Clive?
(Greg applauds for his fellow 4th seater)
(Slattery: claps)
Paul: I did not!
Denny: GO 4th seaters!!!!!!!!!!
Paul: I specifically said that I *would*
Slattery: Go me!
(DrewCarey thinks, "FORMER fellow fourth seater, Greg")

(Brad_Sher goes back on stage, accompanied by his entourage of monkeys)

Greg: better him than me
DrewCarey: ooh, look at the monkeys

Brad_Sher: Improv has the ability to make us laugh, and to make us cry.

Slattery: So?
Paul: Where did the monkeys come from?

Brad_Sher: And this award is for those who have made us cry more than most...

DrewCarey: shh...
Greg: yeah, you were crying when McShane kissed you
Denny: *ggl*
(DrewCarey is crying right now)

Brad_Sher: The 5th Seat award for worst contestant. And the nominees are:

Denny: I was crying, too.
DrewCarey: please no
DrewCarey: please no
DrewCarey: please no
Slattery: Not me! Please, not me!

Brad_Sher: Debi Durst

DrewCarey: ...
DrewCarey: please no

Brad_Sher: Archie Hahn

Slattery: Yep, it has to be Debi!
Denny: DEBI, DEBI!
Greg: Couldn't be you, Tony, take a valium

Brad_Sher: Denny Siegel

DrewCarey: Denny?

Brad_Sher: Chris Smith

Greg: Hey, Debi's my friend
Greg: so I won't say she sucks
Denny: DENNY?? ME????????? HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brad_Sher: George Wendt

(Denny sobs)
(DrewCarey thinks, well, better her than me)
Slattery: Put a sock in it, Poops!

Brad_Sher: And Ron West

(Denny is in shock)
Slattery: Hard decision!
Greg: Bite me, Slattery
(DrewCarey lets out a sigh of relief)
(Paul roots for George)
Slattery: *Bites Greg*
(Denny roots for all but self)

Brad_Sher: And the "Winner" is:

Paul: Get a room you two!
DrewCarey: didn't George win last year?
Greg: Brad, if you say Denny, I'll have to hurt you
Denny: Thank you, Greg. *hugs*
DrewCarey: not Denny..

(Brad_Sher gets envelope from monkey number 1)

Denny: Phew.
Clive: Drew won last year

Brad_Sher: GEORGE WENDT!

DrewCarey: good old monkey number 1
Denny: WOOHOO!
Slattery: YES!
Paul: Whohoo!!!
(DrewCarey applauds)
Slattery: Sessions should have won!
(Denny applauds b/c it was NOT ME)
(Paul apologizes for the display of emotion)
Greg: hello?
Richard_V: clap, clap
DrewCarey: I can accept the award, if you want
DrewCarey: since our physiques are so similar

Brad_Sher: You know, I think George might be dead. So we'll let Drew accept the award.

Denny: Sure, since you are a former winner. :)
Slattery: I'm sure, Drew
Greg: that would be appropriate, Drew

(DrewCarey steps up to the podium)
DrewCarey: Well, in a case like this, I think George would say, "PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE!" (Brad_Sher tries to prevent monkey army from flinging poo at Drew)
DrewCarey: thank you
(DrewCarey steps down)

Paul: that was exciting...
Denny: Still think Debi should have won. No offense, Greg!
DrewCarey: I tried to embody his improv skills
Greg: None taken. She's a mighty hag
Denny: Ah, that explains a lot. :P
Slattery: Debi and the Baseball teams!
Paul: Oh! That explains it then.
Denny: LOL, Greg.
Richard_V: ha ha

Brad_Sher: Wow, here comes another one!

(Denny applauds)

Brad_Sher: This is the Comedy Central Editor's Twiglet for Worst Game.

(Slattery Calps)

Brad_Sher: And the nominees are:

(Slattery *Claps*)
Greg: like CC knows
Paul: Calps much Tony?
Greg: spell much, Paul?
Denny: PLEASE SAY QUESTIONABLE IMPRESSIONS

Brad_Sher: If You Know What I mean, if you know what I mean...

Denny: LOL
Denny: No, we DON'T know what you mean. :P
Paul: I spell quite a bit, thankyouverymuch
DrewCarey: hope I'm not in it...

Brad_Sher: Letter Changes, inwo thaw I don'w knot

Denny: (channeling good pal Colin)
Greg: yeah, I've seen you play Alphabet, man

Brad_Sher: Moving People,

Slattery: Go Moving People
DrewCarey: oh, come on, you were IN one of them
Denny: Ooh Bad choice.

Brad_Sher: Questionable Impressions,

(Paul smiles at mention of Moving People)
Denny: WOOHOO!

Brad_Sher: and Song Titles.

Clive: WINNER: IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
Clive: (just my guess....)
(Denny is pleased and applauds accordingly)
DrewCarey: heh
Slattery: Song Titles rocks! How could it be that bad?
Denny: It was most funny last night, Tony!
(Greg claps politely; bored with this category)
Richard_V: Yay, once again Laura, MUSIC rules
LauraHall: oops, wasn't Brad supposed to announce winner?
Denny: LOL
(DrewCarey tells Clive to sit down in the fourth seat where he belongs)

Brad_Sher: Well, gee, Mr. Bald Naff Git! Why don't you just come up here and ruin it for the rest of us!
Brad_Sher: The Winner is If you know what I mean.

Greg: Hey! Leave Clive alone!
Denny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Clive is getting randy.
DrewCarey: who knew?
Greg: Only I get to do that.
Slattery: So, Clive has ruined the category!
Paul: Great Job, Clive.
Slattery: That sounds familiar
Clive: I prematurely announced...
DrewCarey: yeah Greg, since when do you defend Clive?
Paul: You've made the evening.
LauraHall: sounds like someone pulled a Liz Taylor
Brad_Sher: That's not the only thing Clive does prematurely...
Greg: I just don't want anyone in my territory
Denny: Ah, poor Liz.......
Clive: I just hated that game so much... I'm sorry...
Richard_V: boy, that's the truth Brad
(EnnReitel and Bremner sneak in at the back)
DrewCarey: That's right, the points don't matter, just like Clive Anderson.
Dan: ooh... perhaps I should accept...

(Brad_Sher watches his monkeys eat If You KNow What I Mean's Twiglet)

Denny: Welcome, Rory, old boy.
Greg: Rory! Good to see you
(DrewCarey busts out laughing)
(Paul watches the monkey die)

Dan: erm... take 5... well, thanks for choosing that as the worst ever game.

Slattery: All the poor pathetic people have missed the awards
Greg: Let's hear your brand new George W. Bush impression

Dan: Take 3. As I'm sure you're aware, we WON'T be playing it ever again. Thank you. And cue Clive.

Bremner: George W. Who? I only do John Major :-)
(Brad_Sher returns to seat next to Denny)
Greg: I do John Major too. We have much in common

(Clive is sitting in the M&M's World racecar)

DrewCarey: "Did you ever need something to hold that door open?"
(Denny makes sure there is plenty of room)
(Paul munches on twiglets)
(Brad_Sher would prefer to do Maggie Thatcher)
(Slattery is wondering why he's sitting all alone in the back of the auditorium)

Clive: Now that we've got the negative stuff out of the way, how about some fun...?
Clive: Oh, wait, our next presenter is Paul. Well, that's stuffed up that idea then...

DrewCarey: how about that?
Greg: LOL
Denny: A Hoedown, perhaps???
DrewCarey: ha
Greg: really, Paul, I love you, many
Greg: I mean man
Paul: That's what you all say
Greg: but many could be fun
DrewCarey: many... times nightly?
Slattery: No luck them?

(Paul runs down to the stage)
(Paul pants)

DrewCarey: what about Paul's pants?
Greg: Paul, leave that understudy alone!

Paul: Our next award is the Steve Frost Twiglet for best crack up

Greg: Clive must have written that one
DrewCarey: Hey Dan, how come I've never heard of these people?

Paul: And the nominees are: Greatest Hits, Drew at "Michael Jackson... a great head coach."

Slattery: If you were bloody smart, you would have heard of me!
Denny: Drew, there WAS a show b/f you were on there! :)
Bremner: (as John Major) We've never heard of you... and damn you're ugly :-)
DrewCarey: really?

Paul: Hoedown (being stood up) Tony in "And then I kissed a labrador..."

Dan: (voice booms down around the auditorium) It's on another _continent_, Drew...
Slattery: GO ME!
Bremner: you mean like Africa?
DrewCarey: Africa?

Paul: Improbable mission (laundry) - Ryan and Wayne at "the cat"

Denny: It's a continent, man.
Richard_V: England you twit....sorry Clive, i had to
DrewCarey: it's a biiig country...

Paul: Party Quirks- Tony at Ryan's Toddler

Bremner: is England a continent?
DrewCarey: Tony's stacking the deck
DrewCarey: that hardly seems fair
Greg: No, England's another planet
Slattery: I'm gonna win now!

Paul: Song Styles (Lee the Lunchlady) - Wayne at the stripper style and "two great meatballs"

Denny: With crappy television.
(Brad_Sher cheers for Tony, but wishes he'd do a spit-take)
DrewCarey: Good old Wayne
(DrewCarey has never heard of Tony)
(DrewCarey roots for Wayne)
(Slattery spits on Brad)

Paul: and Three Headed Broadway Star - Drew during You've Got Sole

Bremner: (as BBC news presenter) Our television is quite good!
Denny: But Greg, you look MAHVELOUS there.
DrewCarey: I loved that one...
Greg: England's cool when I'm there
Richard_V: the music is even better *g*
Bremner: as long as you can hold down a job, Mr Proops
Denny: Ah, everywhere is coll when you're there, Greg.
Denny: *swooning*
Greg: Very funny, Bremner - NOT

Paul: And the winner.....

Denny: *cool
DrewCarey: this is quickly turning violent

Paul: Song Styles (Lee the Lunchlady) - Wayne at the stripper style and "two great meatballs"

Denny: Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Slattery: Just tell me I've won, Paul
(Greg claps)
(DrewCarey applauds... at least that Tony guy didn't win)
Brad_Sher: Woo-hoo!
Slattery: Damn!
Greg: Sorry, Tony
(Paul smiles and looks blankly for someone to give the award to)
(Richard_V claps)
(Denny wanted THE CAT)
(Greg kisses Tony to make it all better)
DrewCarey: we could really use Wayne now
(Brad_Sher makes mental note to cook for wayne sometime)
Dan: Apparently Wayne has a prior engagement...

Paul: Oh well. Since he's not here, I'm taking this twiglet. I'm sure he thanks you

DrewCarey: just who decided to invite Enn Reitel?
Brad_Sher: He's with Lee!
Slattery: I got nominated twice
Greg: Dan, you can accept for Wayne; it's your fault he's in every single show
EnnReitel: Someone remembered me! *faints*
DrewCarey: Paul, do you even know who Wayne is?
Denny: Ooh, -evil.
Paul: No, but do you think I care?
Bremner: he's a big American star now. We Brits didn't get our own ABC TV-movies and guest appearances in sitcoms when we were on the show!
DrewCarey: oh..
Denny: It's alla booot the Paul, anyway.
Paul: It is, thank you Denny

Paul: And now, The Breathmint Award for Best Kiss.

Greg: This has Colin's name written all over it
(DrewCarey uses breath spray *chh chh*)
Slattery: I'm rootin' for my partner, Mike!
Denny: You are so very welcome.
(Denny roots for Colin for this one)
(Brad_Sher tosses everyone an Altoid)

Paul: Film Noire--Maltese Burger Joint (Colin & Ryan)

Greg: hmm... curiously strong
(DennyTwin enters the room)
(DrewCarey eats the altoid like an alka seltzer)
(Denny applauds very loudly now)
Brad_Sher: Just like me, Greg
(Richard_V taps Laura on the shoulder and puckers up)
Greg: You wish, pookie
(LauraHall lets Richard)

Paul: Questions only- Passionate French Love Story- (Mike and Brad)

Slattery: Go Mike!
Greg: I'd pick that one ;)
(DrewCarey applauds for no one in particular)
Greg: Hey, did I say that?

Paul: Scenes from a hat--Kissogram with Bad News (Mike & Steve)

Denny: Been there, seen that. Go Colin, Go, Ryan.
Slattery: Go Mike again!
(Bremner applauds Mike 'n Steve)
Greg: nah
Brad_Sher: you just wish you could grow chest hair, greg.
(DrewCarey does a spit take and has baaaad dreams)
Denny: Tony, have you ever even SEEN DL?
Greg: I'm glad I couldn't get mine braided, Brad

Paul: Scenes from a hat--Things that would make Drew Carey spit take--(Ryan and Colin)
Paul: Weird Newcasters (Colin and Greg)

Bremner: What is this "Dill" show everyone's talking about?
(DrewCarey perks up at the mention of his name)
Denny: Welcome, mon amie twin.
(JosieL sneaks in the side door)
DennyTwin: Hi Den!
(Denny throws kiss)
Brad_Sher: Dennymint Twins?

Paul: And Weird Newscasters again with Colin and Karen

Greg: Josie, the only Comedy Store player I haven't shagged!
Slattery: Mike's gotta win!
Denny: Like those chicks w/ the matching outfits.
Bremner: all you gotta do is get her drunk, Greg!
DennyTwin: double the pleasure!!

Paul: And Weird Newscasters for a third time, Mafia Boss! (Ryan and the Camera)

Brad_Sher: Go Camera!
Denny: I'm thinking Ryan has this one wrapped up.

Paul: And the winner, not that I care is....

Denny: LOL
Paul: Film Noire--Maltese Burger Joint (Colin & Ryan)

Slattery: She's left you, she's left you....
Greg: Smile, Paul

(Colin enters from the side to everyone's surprise)

(DennyTwin applauds)
(Greg applauds)
(Colin approaches the stand)
(Denny applauds)
Slattery: Dammit! Nobody I know ever wins!
(Brad_Sher cheers the lovebirds!)
(Denny does happy dance)
Greg: I had five bucks on that one :)

Colin: Thank you, thank you. I'm sorry I'm late, I was outside pruning.

(DennyTwin smiles politely :))
(Bremner applauds...)
(Paul tries to smile. Here you go.)
(Brad_Sher dances with Denny)
Greg: Colin, dude!
Richard_V: Where's Ryan?
(Denny does the Monkey dance w/ Brad)
(DennyTwin is jealous and cuts in with brad)

Colin: Well, I've certainly kissed Ryan Stiles many times, but this is the first time I've received an award for it. Thank you.

(Denny hits twin in the nose)
Greg: Um, Paul, stop. You're scaring me.
Denny: Colin, you have quite a pair of lips on you.
Denny: If you know what I mean. :)
(Paul walks up and kisses Greg. Thanks.)
(Greg claps for Colin's acceptance speech)

(Colin accepts the award and does a dinosaur impression)

Brad_Sher: Denny, there's enough of me to go around... especially since its also you...
Denny: LOL
(DennyTwin is so sorry to have walked in so late... that's what you get for holding an awards ceremony on Shabbos!)
Greg: Fancy a jolly roger, Paul?

Colin: Well, I must go, I'll magically reappear if I receive another award. Thank you.
(Colin leaves)

Slattery: I'm so in love mith myself!
Denny: Thanks for coming, Colin.
Paul: You wish, Greg
Denny: I love sitting next to you.

(Clive walks along the Lady Luck buffet)

Clive: Our next presenter is lucky he's on cable where we don't have to worry about the censors.

DrewCarey: hey, did you guys see the buffet?
(Paul hands drew a five pound note. Go stuff yourself.)
Brad_Sher: And I love sitting next to you.
Dan: Drew... stay away... they can't afford it!
Denny: You were blocking it, Drew. Oops. Kidding w/ the loving.
(Brad_Sher sends monkeys away for a few minutes)

Clive: So, with the potential to turn this show PG-13 or worse... here's Tony.

Clive: hey, i said a burrito!
(DrewCarey takes a little of this, a little of that... then reconsiders and takes it all)
Greg: Go, Tony!
Denny: Bur-I-to
Richard_V: Hey Drew, don't spill that on my piano!
DennyTwin: WOOHOOOO!
DrewCarey: who are you?
Brad_Sher: Go ToyN!
LauraHall: bur-eye-to
Bremner: yeah Tony! Win one for the better country!
(Greg secretly lusts after Tony)
Denny: En-chee-laaaaaaaaaa-da

Slattery: Here's the Abercrombie & Fitch Fashion Statement Twiglet!

(DennyTwin not-so-secretly lusts after Greg)
(Denny applauds)

Slattery: Colin's Lime Jacket!

(DrewCarey is rooting for Ryan's shoes)
Denny: Go, Greg, Go, Greg.

Slattery: Greg's cow waistcoat!

(DennyTwin applauds at exactly the same volume and rythm.)
Paul: Go Greg.

Slattery: Greg's Nine Inch nails shirt

(Denny jumps up and down)
Brad_Sher: I loved that lime jacket. Like a mother.

Slattery: Ryan's flame shoes!

(Denny jumps up and down again)
Greg: The chicks dig that shirt
Richard_V: wooo hoooo!

Slattery: Steve's hawaiian shirts!

(Brad_Sher watches Denny jump up and down)
Denny: Greg...............Greg...........
(DrewCarey applauds, go Ryan)
DennyTwin: greg.... greg....
Richard_V: Love the shoes.
Paul: Come on Greg. Astound us all with your fashion sense again...

Slattery: I'm glad I never wore something disgusting! AND THE WINNER IS....

(DennyTwin shoots a come-hither look at greg...)
Denny: Do it, ProopDog.
Clive: Like your.... Doc Holliday outfit?

Slattery: Ryan's Flame Shoes!

(Paul pouts)
(Brad_Sher cheers Ryan)
DennyTwin: :(
(Greg applauds like a professional)
Bremner: WHY IS THE OTHER COUNTRY...ALWAYS WINNING!
(Denny applauds enthusiastically but w/ some surprise)
DrewCarey: because we're better
DrewCarey: and we're not a continent
Bremner: better at being stupid!
(DennyTwin sighs and golf claps.)
Greg: I can't believe those shoes beat my NIN shirt
Richard_V: yeah, they're better...
(Brad_Sher chants U.S.A. at Bremner)
Slattery: Well, at least I don't wear repulsive suits!
Denny: NEXT TIME, GREG.
DrewCarey: Anyone seen Ryan?
Richard_V: uh..i didn't mean that
Greg: Sure you do, Tony ;)
Denny: Tony, what about that FRINGE leather jacket?

(RyanStile pops up on the video screen)
Dan: Cue caption... 'this award sponsored by joesgarbshoes.com'
RyanStile: THANK YOU ALL!!!
(RyanStile disappears from the screen)

DrewCarey: ah, there he is
Greg: Let's not forget the Lionel Blair jacket
Paul: Or what about the stripped shirt, Tony?
Slattery: Not as bad as yours, Greg
Denny: Never.
Bremner: or Tony's plaid pants
DrewCarey: that was the shortest acceptance speech ever...
Richard_V: wait, was Ryan here??
Denny: Oh, my. The pants...doubling over w/ laughter.
Greg: good. I was robbed.
DrewCarey: I think he was for about three seconds
Slattery: Shut up, everybody!
Richard_V: I guess he's gotta get back to Colin outside
DrewCarey: he must be very busy
(Colin sticks his head in the door)
Colin: I heard that
Paul: Oh come on, Tony, it's just a bit of fun..
Bremner: or get back inside Colin :-)

Slattery: But here's the Paul Merton Best Smile twiglet!

Slattery: Drew Carey

(Paul smiles at greg.)

Slattery: Laura Hall

Slattery: Paul Merton

Greg: I think we know Paul really won't win this one

Slattery: Colin Mochrie

(Brad_Sher flashes million-dollar smile)
(Denny applauds for Laura)

Slattery: Greg Proops

(LauraHall blushes)
(DrewCarey hasn't really won any awards yet...)

Slattery: Brad Sherwood

(Paul boos Greg)
(DennyTwin screams like a banshee for greg proops)
(Denny applauds even LOUDER for Greg, however)
Greg: mine's not really a smile so much as a smirk
(Brad_Sher applauds for Laura)

Slattery: Ryan Stiles

(Richard_V applauds for Laura)
Denny: Ah, Greg, it's lovely, all the same.
DennyTwin: well... how about we just nominate everyone for this category!
Denny: I think Colin's going to take it, though.
Greg: thank you, Denny. As are you ;)

Slattery: I don't do repulsive smiles, either!

DrewCarey: Colin or Brad...
Denny: You betcha, Pookie.
(Brad_Sher realizes he has no chance in this category)
DrewCarey: or me
Denny: Not you, Drew. You LAUGH, but not smile.

Slattery: AND THE WINNER IS:

Slattery: Laura Hall!

DrewCarey: wow
(Greg claps loudly)
Bremner: Laura WHO?
Denny: YAY!!!!!!!!! Alright, Laura!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(LauraHall blushes)
DrewCarey: I mean, hooray
Paul: Not fair! I should have won, damn it!
(Brad_Sher cheers for the better smile)
(DennyTwin CHEERS!)
Denny: ZNE!
(Richard_V CLAPS LOUDLY)
Greg: Well done, Laura.
(Paul sulks.)
Richard_V: wooo hoooo go Laura!!
DennyTwin: go laura hall!
Greg: Stuff it, slaphead
DrewCarey: don't worry Paul, we'll get you Best Hair
Greg: I mean Paul
Paul: Shove it Greg
DrewCarey: actually, I think Clive would beat you for that...
(Denny hugs fellow female on male-dominated show)
(Richard_V Offers a congratulatory kiss)
(DrewCarey tells Denny to stop whining and grab him a beer)
DennyTwin: did the host just take a cigarette break?
Denny: Richard, if you're giving out kisses...
Slattery: Did I announce the winner?

LauraHall: Well, first I'd like to thank my orthodontist, and my mother for making me wear that retainer. Then I'd like to thank the twiglet committee and the twiglet academy.

Paul: Oh yeah. He'll win it when you do, Drew
(Denny needs a gig, but not that badly)

LauraHall: thanks to all of you!

(Denny applauds wildly)
Greg: You'll win that category when I get Miss Congeniality, Paul
DrewCarey: At least I can do a Hoedown, Paul
(Mykola looks in the door)
Paul: I know I will. Just mark my word.
(Brad_Sher cheers again for Laura)
(Richard_V winks at Laura)
(Greg applauds for Laura)
Mykola: is there an award for best production tape editor?
Greg: Hey Mykola, buy a vowel!
Paul: Ooh. I'm hurt, Drew.
Slattery: Glad Laura won, instead of me!
LauraHall: me too
Richard_V: me too
DrewCarey: me too
Denny: Me too
Greg: Her smile is almost as blinding as Clive's head
Brad_Sher: me too
Slattery: My smile's cute, yours is just disgusting
Denny: It's delightful.
DrewCarey: you got that one, Pookie?
Brad_Sher: Your smile's scary, Tony

(Clive sits atop the mini-Eiffel Tower at Paris casino)

Clive: Our next performer plays with Chicago City Limits. Now let's see if she can push the limits of tonight's awards!
Clive: A ha ha... sorry. Denny Siegel!

Denny: Ay!
Greg: Yeah, Denny!
Bremner: Who ARE all these people!
Brad_Sher: Go Denny!
Slattery: Thanks, Brad!
Denny: Yay, me!
DennyTwin: GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(DrewCarey thinks maybe Bremner should lie down, before he hurts himself)
(Brad_Sher waits for denny to rock his world)
Greg: They're Americans, Rory. You know, the ones that win the wars over where you live.
(Slattery: hopes he will win whatever the award is)

Denny: The Writer's Guild Lawsuit for Best Contestant Intro...

DrewCarey: ouch
Paul: Yeah, the ones that can't speak English
Slattery: Definitely me!
DrewCarey: I might have a shot at winning this one...
DrewCarey: since I do intros

Denny: Nominees:

Brad_Sher: Oh yeah, paul? Well, where the heck do you get an "o" in Diarrhea?
(Eddie Izzard pops up into a vacant seat from somewhere underground)
Greg: this should be interesting
Slattery: But so does Clive
DrewCarey: Who else could come up with "the world's tallest short guy"

Denny: Actor, comedian: just a few of his aspirations: John Sessions!

DrewCarey: not your precious Clive
Slattery: Shut it!
Slattery: Git

Denny: As described by Doctor Spooner--the shining wit--the one and only Greg Proops!

(DrewCarey buzzes Tony repeatedly)
(Paul boos Greg again)
Brad_Sher: Go Denny!
Greg: Slaphead
Paul: How original

Denny: Greg Proops again--the last happening dude left in captivity

Greg: You shut your face
(LauraHall just got that on--spoonerism)
Greg: How true

Denny: Jim Sweeney--better half of Sweeney and Steen, Steve Steen--better 7/8 of Sweeney and Steen!

Slattery: I have to be in here somewhere!
Slattery: I have animal magic!
(Brad_Sher just did too)
Greg: now, will Clive win? These are his intros, after all
(Paul says half heartedly, Go Clive!)
Richard_V: Go Drew!...oh wait
(DrewCarey still hopes he wins)
Slattery: Goes for Jim

Denny: Star of school nativity plays, auditions, and Colin Mochrie look alike contests--COLIN MOCHRIE!

Brad_Sher: Go Drive!

Denny: The Hugh Grant of slapstick--Tony Slattery!

Brad_Sher: Drew and Clive's love child.
Slattery: There I am!

Denny: And the Spy who Loved Me--Ryan Stiles!

Greg: I knew you had to be in there somewhere, Tony

Denny: (Woo--A lot of contestants! Though not me, alas!)

Slattery: I'm preparing to win Best Contestant award!

Denny: And the winner........ COLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN MOCHRIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DennyTwin: YAY!!!
(Greg applauds)
Slattery: Damn! I never win!

(Colin runs in from outside)

(Brad_Sher applauds Colin)
(Richard_V clap clap)
(Paul applauds loudly)
Slattery: There's still best contestant, though
Denny: Congrats, Colin. :)

Colin: yes, those hedges are looking good...
Denny: Here's your twiglet. Speech, speech!

Paul: Face it Tony, you aren't going to win. You just aren't cool as Greg is..
Greg: Congrats Colin

(Colin steps up once more)

JosieL: Tony hon... don;t get your hopes up ;)
EddieIzz: yes, good laughter
Greg: Thank you, Paul

Colin: What can I say...

Greg: no one is as cool as me
Slattery: If you're six years old, why are you going bald, Colin?

Colin: I knew being in that Colin Mochrie look-alike contest would come in handy some day

Paul: Well, Colin might be as cool as you are Greg.
Brad_Sher: I came in a close second in that contest...
(Greg applauds Colin's acceptance speech)

(Colin cries... "stop it stop it stop it!")

Colin: well, I must see to those hedges again... I'm coming, Ryan
(Colin leaves)

(video feed cuts to Clive, rushing down the street. He stops and turns to the camera...)
Clive: Ah ... phew... sorry, just on my way to the next location...
Clive: Well done, Colin... you make it so easy to come up with insulting introductions.
Clive: Now... get that camera off me, I've got quite a distance to cover. Back to you Denny!

Denny: And now, back to our show. :)

Denny: The Jeopardy Twiglet for What the ??? Moment...

(Denny is so excited)
Denny: The nominees are...

Slattery: I'm gonna win!!!!
(Brad_Sher sings the jeapardy song)
(DrewCarey wants the words to that song)

Denny: Girl walks past camera to replace Drew's drinking cup

DrewCarey: More ale, wench!

Denny: Helping Hands - camera flash goes off during the scene

Richard_V: I don't think you need more ale Drew

Denny: Mission Impossible - 'Give me your outie!'

(DrewCarey hiccups)
Slattery: You're already drunk enough
EddieIzz: i have an outie

Denny: Improbable Mission - burnoose and 'the cat'

(Bremner can predict the winners... American version again... that's because our version is perfect and blooper-free!)
EnnReitel: So does everyone :(
Brad_Sher: Drew: "Tip me over pour me out. Tip me over pour! me ou-ou-ou-out. Tip me over pour me out. Tip! me over pour (thump) me (thump) out (thump thump)
Denny: (My personal choice!)
(Paul applauds "drew")

Denny: Narrate - 'I knew he didn't remember me... not since the operation.'
Denny: News Report - 'I went out the back to take a piss...'

(DrewCarey tries to bow, but can't bend over)

Denny: Quick Change - 'Why does your horse have a door?'

Greg: No bloopers on the British version, eh, Bremner?
DrewCarey: ah, that was a good one
DrewCarey: good old quick change

Denny: And the winner is.................
Denny: Can you feel the tension, people? Well, can you?????
Denny: Hmmmmmmmm???

EddieIzz: YES!
DrewCarey: .....

Denny: Feel it!

(Brad_Sher feels the tension, and hopes Denny relieves it)
Slattery: Just say it, dammit!
Denny: Feel it!

DrewCarey: well, if you insist...
EddieIzz: i aint feeling nothing ;o)
Bremner: well, Greg, come back to our side of the pond! You can say "hand!"
(DrewCarey feels Denny's tension)

Denny: IMPROBABLE MISSION - BURNOOSE AND 'THE CAT'

Denny: WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greg: True, Rory
(Colin rushes in from outside yet again)
JosieL: YAY
(Greg claps)

Denny: Congrats to Greg, Colin, and Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Richard_V Claps enthusiastically)
(Brad_Sher waits for Denny to relieve tension in person, but claps nonetheless)

Denny: Who would like to accept?
Denny: Ah, I see :)
Greg: Was I in that? Oh.
Denny: Congrats, Colin. Here is your twiglet.

(Colin steps up to the podium for the third time tonight, and waves Greg up)
Greg: It's these recreational drugs, you see
Denny: Of course, Greg.
Colin: come on Greg, you can help me with this

Slattery: Colin has won too many, and I'm still left with 0!
EddieIzz: we don't want any of your doichy markys
Denny: Tony, what's fair is fair.
Bremner: and Drew Carey has already been banned from my country! That's why it's better than America!
Paul: Get Greg off the Stage!!!!!!!
(JosieL consoles Tony)
Richard_V: Yeah, i don't see that changing soon Tony

(Colin pulls Greg onto the stage)

Slattery: I'm still up for best contestant!

(Greg waves to his legions of fans)

(Brad_Sher gives Tony the Twiglet that he was using earlier to pick his nose)

Denny: C'mon, Greg, you were the initial cause of all that hilarity.
Colin: I'd like to thank Greg, and Ryan, and my hairdresser. Anyone you want to thank Greg?
Greg: I'd like to thank my wife, whom I don't deserve

Slattery: I deserve her!

Denny: Well, if that's the case......... ;)
Colin: that's very nice

Denny: Colin, do YOU deserve your wife? :)

Slattery: He deserves nothing

Colin: I like to think so...
Greg: I don't deserve Colin's wife either
Colin: she seems to like my cooking, and the having sex constantly... oh, sorry Greg
Denny: I think you and I deserve one another, however, Greg.
(Denny blushes)

(Richard_V winks at Laurs)

Greg: Well, when she dumps me I'll move in with you, Denny
Colin: Has anyone seen Drew?

EddieIzz: yes we do! for the good of the nation :o)

Denny: Thanks, Greg. I'll be WAITING.
Colin: oh well...

(LauraHall thinks Richard V is a big flirt)
Brad_Sher: Denny! I thought you were with me!
Slattery: Next award, please?

Greg: Drew and Colin mysteriously can't be in the room at the same time
Colin: I'll probably be back later, for now I must go prune some more hedges
Greg: like Michael and Janet Jackson
(Colin steps down and leaves)

(Clive stands at the window of a Hard Rock hotel room)

Paul: And I miss Drew so.
(Richard_V thinks Laura is hot)
DrewCarey: Sorry, I was in the bathroom.

Clive: Well, what can I say about our next presenter? Quite a bit as it turns out, but not in this timeslot. Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Proops.

DrewCarey: did I miss anything?
Brad_Sher: I hope you cleaned up after yourself, drew.
Greg: I knew that had to be me ;)
(DennyTwin STANDS UP AND CHEERS!)
Clive: Whaddya mean, $4.50 for a bottle of water???!!!
Bremner: taking a bath, Drew? Oh yeah, Americans piss in the bathroom. Gross!
Slattery: Ah, the naff git Proops!
(SFrost pulls up in a limo)
DrewCarey: I did, but those monkeys flung poo at me, Brad
(Paul throws squeezie-bottle guns at Greg)
DrewCarey: thanks a lot
Richard_V: Yay Greg!
Denny: YAY GREG!
(Brad_Sher has monkeys fling poo at the denny-stealing greg)
(Slattery throws rotten tomatoes at Greg)
(Paul gives Brad's monkeys bananas)
(EddieIzz throws pots and pans)
DennyTwin: GET ON WITH IT GREG!

Greg: The Greg Proops Twiglet for Best Put Down
Greg: Nominees are:

DennyTwin: tony could be up for one of those!
Denny: Let's goooooooooooooooooo, Proop Dog. :)
(Richard_V get's hit with tomato)
Slattery: I HAVE to be in here!

Greg: And anytime I say Naff Git, that means Clive
Greg: That was me, of course.
(Greg blushes)

(RStiles sneaks in the rear of the building, Mission Impossible-style)
Denny: Greg, you're SOOOOOOOOOO cute. Have I mentioned that? :)
Paul: Sure, conviently forget to mention that..

Greg: Paul: ARe you bald or is your neck blowing bubble gum?

Slattery: He's butt ugly, you blind twit!
Paul: Go me!

Greg: Colin: he had a face like a collapsed lung

Richard_V: Shut up Slattery, like you're not
Brad_Sher: Go Colin!
Denny: Um..............award?
Bremner: At least he doesn't try to cop a feel during Hands Through!
(Denny is not picturing that)

Greg: Ryan: He had that metal plate in his skull... I knew that's where all his hair had gone

Slattery: At least I can play the piano, unlike Vranchy
DrewCarey: can't we all just be nice to each other, and drink beer?
EddieIzz: you're no pretty picture either ya know, Tony

Greg: And ME: it's also a continent if you're a geographer

Richard_V: you wanna piece of me Tony?

Greg: and the winner is:

Denny: Buzz Beer? Always hawking...
DennyTwin .......
(Denny votes for Greg..........)
Slattery: Yes, I want your vocal cords, you never use them

Greg: ME!!!!!!!! It's also a continent if you're a geographer
(Greg faints)

Denny: WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DennyTwin: YAY!
(Denny does happy dance, picks up Greg)
(Richard_V Clap Clap)
Paul: Damn!
EddieIzz: wtg Greg
DrewCarey: It's wasn't THAT funny...

(Greg clears throat)

Richard_V: Not now Slattery, I gotta impress Laura
(DennyTwin runs up and embraces greg and her sister!)
Slattery: I see
Bremner: like all of your acts, Drew!

Greg: I'd like to thank everyone here, particularly those meeting me for a little after show celebration in my hotel room

(Denny is in a big ol luv fest and loving it)

Greg: don't forget to bring condoms. Thank you!

DrewCarey: man...
(Denny didn't think Greg was going to MENTION THAT!)
(Denny checks pockets)
(DrewCarey wonders why he doesn't get to party like that)
(Richard_V looks innocently at Laura)
DennyTwin: i'll bring the munchies!
EddieIzz: machos?
Denny: Jam or jelly?
Richard_V: Jello!
(Brad_Sher sends two monkeys to Greg's party)
Paul: I'll bring the twiglets!
Greg: definitely jelly this time :)
Slattery: When's the pee break? I've gotta go!
EddieIzz: i'll bring an evil giraffe
Denny: And p'raps some chocolate for rubbing over date, ala Colin

Greg: And now the Brainstorming Best New Game Twiglet

(DrewCarey pops outside while Colin enters)
Colin: there's nothing wrong with that
(Colin leaves and DrewCarey returns)

Greg: the nominees are

Greg: African chant

Denny: I agree, Capt Hair
Slattery: No

Greg: Millionaire show

Slattery: No
(Denny applauds for African Chant)

Greg: Questionable impressions

Slattery: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Denny: Awoooooooooo...CHRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Richard_V: YAY!!!
Bremner: No no no!
Denny: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Greg: Sound effects with audience members

DrewCarey: that would be kind of funny...
Denny: God, NO!
Brad_Sher: I-D-S! I-D-S!
Slattery: Yes!
Denny: NO ON SOUND EFFECTS!
DrewCarey: if it won best game and worst game
Denny: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Greg: as the presenter, I'll refrain from editorializing here (but I hate that game)
(Paul shudders in fear)
Slattery: Go SFX with audience members!
(Denny thanks Greg)
(Bremner joins the IDS chant... the only decent thing to come from US since President Clinton)
(DrewCarey wonders why Denny cares, she didn't play in ANY of these games)
(Paul actually agrees with Greg for once)

Greg: Three-headed Broadway star

Denny: Tony, you daf git
DennyTwin: SFX only if it's with ASHLEY!

Greg: And Title Sequence

RStiles: WHOO
Denny: Yes, mon amie twin.
Slattery: Actually, Title Sequence is better!

Greg: The Twiglet goes to....

Denny: No 3HBS w/ young cheeky thang

Greg: Three headed Broadway Star!

Denny: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
DennyTwin: what's IDS?
DrewCarey: yay!
Denny: No bleeding way.
(Greg claps)
(Denny sulks)
LauraHall: oh well
Bremner: IDS wasn't even nominated!
EnnReitel: Irish Drinking Song
DrewCarey: I think Brad should accept the award
Richard_V: Woo HOOOOO...great job on the music there Laura
Slattery: It can't be!
(LauraHall likes ids better)
DennyTwin: OH... it's too new, i think!
Clive: IDS was probably too late for nominations
DrewCarey: besides me, he's the only one here who played it
Brad_Sher: You want me to accept the award?
Denny: LOL, considering Brad has never even PLAYED it
Brad_Sher: Okay...
DrewCarey: sure he did
(Denny thinks this is wrong)
DrewCarey: the Cheese song, it was great
Denny: Did he? When?
DrewCarey: and I wasn't even in it
Denny: Oh. Yes. Okay. Once.
LauraHall: maybe the accompanist should accept :)
Richard_V: Yeah! Go Laura
Denny: Go, Laura!
Brad_Sher: Yeah, you do it Laura.

(Greg holds hand out to Laura)

(Denny takes Greg's hand back)
DrewCarey: whatever, as long as someone accepts it...
Slattery: When do I get to win?
Greg: Now, Denny, didn't you learn to share in kindergarten?
Slattery: I am the best!
Paul: When I do Tony
DennyTwin: go for it laura!
DrewCarey: That's right, the points don't matter, just like Linda Taylor.
Paul: Which means, never.

LauraHall: Since I'm the only one here who has participated in ALL the 3 headed broadway star games, I'll accept this on behalf of all the heads.
Brad_Sher: Laura, Drew and I could do it as a 3HBS...

Denny: Oh, alright, Greg. *pouting*
Denny: SING! SING!
DennyTwin: you've got sole!
(Richard_V Claps wildly)
Slattery: Shut up! I'm gonna win tonight!
DrewCarey: who would play?
Brad_Sher: Sing, Laura!
Paul: Face it Tony, no one likes us. They can't see the brillance of the Brits.
RStiles: Well, I always do...
Denny: Yes, I want to hear Laura sing! *ggl*
Greg: Tony, I voted for you in some category or other, honestly

(DennyTwin busts a harp out of nowhere :))
Richard_V: I'll Play Piano !

DennyTwin: "pling pling pling"
Dan: And now... 3-Headed Broadway stars present... "Thankyou" from "The 2000 Twiglets"

Slattery: I guess you're right Paul!
(Bremner joins with Paul and Tony in a singing of "Rule Britannia.")
LauraHall: uh, guys, the award has already been accepted??
Slattery: Americans are lame-brained twots!
(DrewCarey thinks... okay)
Richard_V: No their not....uh
EddieIzz: and you're a second rate ham actor, Slattery
Denny: 3HBS!
Denny: SING SING SING
Richard_V: Good Job Laura!!!
Greg: Yeah Laura!
(DrewCarey says "shhh, me laura and brad")
(Richard_V starts to play on piano)
(Denny claps along)

DrewCarey: Today
Brad_Sher: We
Slattery: We'll see who wins Best Contestant! Then we'll see who's hammy!
(Richard_V whispers for tony to shut up)
Greg: Tony, chill, sweetie
EddieIzz: *snicker*
Denny: And the next award..........???
Denny: *subtle hint*
Slattery: I'll only chill when I get my share of bloody twiglets!
(EddieIzz covers Tony in abit of lipstick)

DrewCarey: "Today we"... some 3HBS
(DrewCarey bows)
(Brad_Sher bows)
Denny: Um, Drew, that was TWO WORDS
Brad_Sher: I guess Laura doesn't want to sing...

Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, as we have completed half the awards in a little over an hour... we will have a 3-minute toilet break :)

(Denny snickers)
Greg: Clive's off getting some hair transplanted
Richard_V: Wasn't Laura Great!!
(EnnReitel passes Tony some twiglets with mysterious red sauce at the end)
(Brad_Sher dips Laura)
DrewCarey: that she was
Denny: Geez, we're a tad slow, aren't we???
Dan: (anyone who feels like playing 3HBS may do so now while we're off camera...)
Slattery: Insult me while I'm taking a piss!
Denny: Laura and Brad LOVE each other.
EddieIzz: will do, Tony!
LauraHall: Brad WHO?
Denny: Sure. :)
Richard_V: NOOOO
Greg: since we're on a break, Greg, can I have my autograph?
(TheCat darts across the stage)
(Brad_Sher hopes someone will pet his monkey)
Denny: LOLOL
Paul: Greg, can we have your ego now?
EddieIzz: i am not touching your monkey, Bradley, don't know where it's been
Greg: No, Paul, it won't fit inside your underpants
Brad_Sher: that's okay ed, I didn't mean you.
(CptnHair flies superhero-style into the theatre, using his hair flapping in the wind)
Greg: I won't pet your monkey, Brad, but if it's bad I'll spank it ;)
Paul: I wasn't going to stuff it there. I was going to deflate it and give it back
(Richard_V Leads Laura away from Brad
Brad_Sher: okay, correction.
Brad_Sher: Any females want to pet my monkey?
Brad_Sher: You can spank your own monkey, Greg.
(Denny takes Greg back for a brief shag)
Richard_V: I think Debi is outside Brad
Slattery: Nobody shags me! I'm lonely!
EddieIzz: *snort*
(CptnHair CHASES those two!!)
Greg: Ooh, Denny... yes.. that's it... hey, turn off that camera!
(Paul laughs)
CptnHair: do we need to open up the #twiglets_sex room?
Denny: LOL I don't mind. :) Your wife is VERY tolerant, I'm sure. :)
Denny:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Brad_Sher: Laura, you don't want to go with Vranch - he's just trying to kill you so he can get back on the show.
EddieIzz: i think #wliia_sex is still open

Dan: And cue coming-out-of-commercial-music...

DrewCarey: shhh
CptnHair: hmmmm... da da da...
Richard_V: NOOOO, that's not true!
Greg: Jen! Honey! It's not what you think.
Slattery: Welcome back!
(Paul pulls out video tape of Greg and Denny)
(CptnHair covers his eyes.)
(Richard_V slaps paul in the back of head)

(Clive stands on Fremont St sunbaking under all the lights)

Denny: Sell it on ebay. Couldn't hurt.
Denny: I mean, if you need the money... :P
(RStiles tries to get a look at the vid)
(Paul glares at Richard)
Greg: It could hurt me. My wife will kill me.
Paul: I'll sell you a copy for 5 bucks
LauraHall: someone going to sell organs on e-bay?
Paul: And that would be such a shame Greg
CptnHair: ONWARDS!
(Richard_V glares back)

Clive: Our next host is another host, not this host but another host, a host who hosts what I host but is not my host.

Denny: No, pics of Greg and me shagging.
Paul: I'll sell Greg's after he's dead
Greg: thanks for your concern, Paul

Clive: And if that confused you, here's Drew.

Paul: You're welcome
Denny: Clive being clear as mud.
LauraHall: paul will be dead first

Paul: I'm so scared.

(DrewCarey steps up to the podium)
DrewCarey: Thank you
DrewCarey: Thank you

(Denny politely applauds)
(Greg claps for Drew because he still needs this job)

DrewCarey: And this is the World Crisis Monitor Award for Best Superhero

Slattery: Drew should be presenting the "I'm not funny" award to himself
(RStiles looks up from straining to see the vid and claps for Drew)
(Bremner boos Drew, of course)

(DrewCarey glares at Tony, but doesn't stop)

(LauraHall is secretly rooting for super rabbi)
(Denny chants GREG GREG GREG)
Greg: I'm the one with the penis, Ryan
(EddieIzz slaps Bremner around a bit with a large trout)

DrewCarey: and the NOMINEES....

(Paul whispers to Ryan "I'll send you a copy later")
(Richard_V hopes Drew knows who i am by now)
(RStiles hopes his bud gets it...)
LauraHall: richard who?

DrewCarey: Captain Ballerina (Colin)

Denny: PEZ!
Richard_V: you know who baby
Slattery: I've got a longer penis than you! I shoot blanks!
(RStiles claps)

DrewCarey: Captain Floppy (Greg)

Paul: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Denny: OOH< YEAH!
EddieIzz: you're always shooting blanks
Denny: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Brad_Sher: Dildos don't count, tony and greg

DrewCarey: Captain Hair (Colin)

(RStiles claps)
Greg: oh, great, bring up Captain Floppy now
Denny: Another good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(CptnHair glows)

DrewCarey: Man Who Talks Really Really Slow (Ryan)

Paul: According to that tape it sure wasn't...
(Denny predicts a Cpt Hair win here)

DrewCarey: Super Rabbi (Brad)

DrewCarey: and The Disco Kid (Colin)

Slattery: Where does my flatulance come in?
Brad_Sher: Go me!
Denny: Baruch atah adonai...
(RStiles claps)
CptnHair: (dana cheers for the jew)
Richard_V: no where slattery
Greg: for once I DON'T want to win

DrewCarey: And the winner is, of course....

Denny: LOL, Greg.
(CptnHair crosses his fingers)

DrewCarey: CAPTAIN HAIR

Richard_V: YAY!!!
EddieIzz: wooo!
Denny CAPTAIN HAIR!
DrewCarey: Hooray!

(CptnHair stands up and shines brightly)

Denny: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brad_Sher: Oy, Gevalt!
(Greg applauds enthusiastically for Colin)
(RStiles smiles and claps loudly)
Bremner: Super rabbi! Super rabbi! (aw, shazbat!)

(CptnHair makes his way past drew's big butt to the podium...)

Slattery: It's Colin for the 1 millionth time this evening!
(Denny gives Colin a big tap on the head as he walks by)
Paul: Don't be such a sourpuss Tony

CptnHair: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Denny: Jealous, Tony?
(DrewCarey accidently knocks Captain Hair over)
DrewCarey: "oops"
CptnHair: HEY!
(Denny blows kisses at Colin)
Brad_Sher: Oh well, at least I have more twiglets than tony...
DrewCarey: heh
Paul: Have a twiglet Tony

CptnHair: THIS IS FOR ALL THE SHINY HEADED MEN OUT THERE... i want to thank my mom, and dad, and rogaine with minoxodyl... and... what's that music... HEY!

Slattery: Thanks!
(RStiles doesn't remember Denny being such a flirt last year...)
Denny: Times change, Mr. Stiles. :)

DrewCarey: Thank you, Captain Hair
DrewCarey: And now...
CptnHair: and one more person -- this is for the guy who MADE THAT SUGGESTION!
DrewCarey: *ahem*
DrewCarey: and NOW

(Denny laughs)
(Greg applauds)
Richard_V: ha
(CptnHair bows)

DrewCarey: The Someone at the Microwave Award for Best Party Quirk

EddieIzz: ooh ooh
Slattery: What about best host?
Denny: Too bad Colin's quirk from last night doesn't count!
Richard_V: NO Tony
Greg: Yeah, I'm wondering that too

DrewCarey: And the nominees are...

Slattery: I've been host more than you, I deserve to win!

DrewCarey: Chippendale (Tony)

Greg: of course, you've had some excellent quirks, Tony
Slattery: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EddieIzz: Tony was so bad at PQ...sometimes
Paul: Go Tony!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slattery: I was nominated!

DrewCarey: Come to ride Tony's camel (Ryan)

Slattery: Something about me!

DrewCarey: Lives his whole life in one minute (Ryan)

DrewCarey: Penis (Josie)

Bremner: have I already won this category?
(Richard_V claps)
Slattery: Go me! I rock!

DrewCarey: Snowskiier hitting a tree (Colin)

(RStiles claps)
EddieIzz: Ryan camel riding!

DrewCarey: and finally, Thinks He's Tony (Rory)

Greg: I love that one
Slattery: That wasn't funny
Paul: Go Rory
Richard_V: I thought it was GREAT!
Brad_Sher: Go rory!

DrewCarey: And the winner is.......

Paul: It was too, Tony. You just aren't smart enough to realize it

DrewCarey: ........
DrewCarey: .........

Slattery: me?
Bremner: GO ME!!!!
Slattery: GO ME!
RStiles: GO COL!

DrewCarey: RORY BREMNER for THINKS HE'S TONY!!!

Bremner: YEAH!!!
(Greg applauds wildly)
Slattery: Damn!
Richard_V: YAY!!!!!!!
(RStiles claps)
LauraHall: tony wins by proxy
Brad_Sher: yay rory!
Paul: Whoooooooooooo!!!
Denny: Yay, Rory!
Greg: hey, at least the quirk was about you, Tony

DrewCarey: and I didn't think he'd be winning anything this evening!
EddieIzz: wtg Rory
(Denny continues flirting w/ all...what the hey)
(Richard_V points at Tony "You Loose")
EddieIzz: anything that takes the piss out of Tony deserves and award

(DrewCarey hands Rory the award)
DrewCarey: Congratulations
(Bremner accepts his Twiglet)

Slattery: Shut your face, Eddie!
(CptnHair gives an ovation!)
Denny: At last, a BRIT wins. Amazing.
Paul: Speech!
(EddieIzz gives an ovarie...a borrowed one)
(RStiles shakes his head and wonders if Denny would still flirt with Greg so much if James showed up... ;))
LauraHall: Denny, how did that happen
Greg: James? James who?
Richard_V: I dunno...
Denny: Um...no comment, if this is the James I think.
RStiles: It is =)
Denny: However...if Webmaster Dave showed up.........

Bremner: THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'M JOHN MAJOR, AND I'M AN IDIOT HOLDING AN OVERSIZED NOVELTY TWIGLET. THANK YOU.

Greg: did five minutes ago mean nothing to you, Denny?

DrewCarey: And now, I leave you with the only man whose head is shinier than that of Colin Mochrie... Clive Anderson!
(DrewCarey sits down)

Denny: It will again in five minutes if repeated. ;)
(Greg claps politely if unenthusiastically)
(EddieIzz gives Tony the Heimlich Manouvere with a frying pan)

(Clive walks out of a McDonalds and ticks yet another one off his list... only 3 left...)

(Richard_V tries to remember if he's married.)
Denny: Hurrah, Clive!
Slattery: That hurt!

Clive: I'm not sure if it's safe to let this next person take the stage.

(Denny realizes she has a gig at midnight)

Clive: Unfortunately, contractual obligations leave my hands tied. So here's Tony again.

(CptnHair realizes he's just been insulted... :()
Slattery: Ha ha!
Greg: Go, Tony
Brad_Sher: To-yn!
(Richard_V throws that tomato)
EddieIzz: this'll be a clean one

Slattery: This next twiglet is the Ever Untitled Twiglet for Best Prop Use!
Slattery: I should win!

EddieIzz: *snort*
Richard_V: I should win.

Slattery: "If you can think of more ideas on how to use this, send them in on a post card (Jimmy)

CptnHair: :)
Richard_V: Quick, Paul get Tony off the stage..
(Paul throws my moped at Tony)

Slattery: "Larry the Leprechaun went right through the shredder!" (Colin)

Richard_V: (thanks)
Paul: No problem

Slattery: "No, this is a German U-Boat!" (Mike)

EddieIzz: lol
(Richard_V claps)

Slattery: "Steve, one of your eyebrows fell off!" (Colin, Furry Bag)

EddieIzz: hehehe
Richard_V: ha ha!
(RStiles claps)
(Denny claps)

Slattery: "Ping Pong Balls? I thought you said King Kong's Balls! (Greg, balls)

EddieIzz: wtg Greg
(Denny claps louder)
Greg: thank you, thank you
Richard_V: good one greg

Slattery: "We'll need that number 8 by Tuesday" (Ryan, 3 circles)

Slattery: "We're evil smurfs" (Ryan, Brad, shark fins)

(DrewCarey laughs)
EddieIzz: hehehe :o)
Brad_Sher: We are, you know.
Greg: We know

Slattery: Damn! I wasn't a nominee!
Slattery: AND THE WINNER IS.......

EddieIzz: is Brad evil smurfette?
Richard_V: thank god

DrewCarey: the winner
DrewCarey: is...
DrewCarey: ?

Brad_Sher: YES!
Denny: No, Brad is the STUDMUFFIN.

Slattery: "We never should have let the poodles play in the road" (Colin, white shapes)

DrewCarey: EVIL studmuffin
(Greg claps)
(DrewCarey applauds)
Brad_Sher: I mean, NO!
(Richard_V Claps)
DrewCarey: hurrah!
(Paul claps)
Richard_V: hurrah?
(RStiles smiles and claps loudly)
(Denny applauds)
EddieIzz: wd
DrewCarey: yay

Slattery: Another damn twiglet for Mr. Perfect Mochrie

(Colin rushes in from outside)
Colin: Never fear, I'm here

Denny: My goodness, what a night for Colin.
Richard_V: Shhhh Tony, here have another drink
Slattery: Thanks, Rich

Colin: Pamela Lee didn't want them anymore...
Colin: Anyway...
(Colin steps up again)
Colin: my legs are getting tired

Denny: Colin, are you getting an ABC show, too??? :)
Slattery: I wish my legs would even move tonight!

Colin: I'd like to thank everyone I know and everyone I don't know, who I haven't already thanked

Slattery: But I'll never win!
Colin: thank you
(Colin accepts award and goes back outside)

EddieIzz: the justice system works!
(Richard_V wonders what's so interesting outside)
Slattery: I need to win the next one!
Denny: Or ANY one.
Denny: :)
(Paul chomps on a pretzel)
Richard_V: you need to hush

Slattery: The next one, by the way, is..

LauraHall: (richard, if it's california, maybe they're going outside to smoke)
Denny: (Not that *I* have...)
(EddieIzz gives Tony a nice wedgie)
Richard_V: (good one, my dear)

Slattery: The Commercial Twiglet for Greatest Greatest Hits Song Title

Denny: I'd like a TAAAAAAAAAAAAAHCO.
Slattery: Stop it, Eddie!
(Paul tosses Denny a Taco [g])
LauraHall: I believe that is tay-co, denny

Slattery: A Squirrel Ate My Bag

EddieIzz: well stop whining then you prat!
LauraHall: (and the balls fell out)

Slattery: Ants, Rats, and Gypsy Moths

Slattery: Cough While I Twist

Denny: Laura, so picky. :P

Slattery: I've Got Then and they Hang Like Grapes

EddieIzz: owchie

Slattery: Pffft

(Denny applauds for Brad)
Richard_V: ha

Slattery: Pile Driver

LauraHall: yay
Denny: Ooh, PILE DRIVER
Brad_Sher: huh?

Slattery: Readjustin' Justin while the Wind is Gustin' Gustin'

Richard_V: Wasn't Laura wonderful in those?
Denny: And see, it's Pfft, not PBHT, Laura. :P
LauraHall: I didn't say it, but it's PBTH!

Slattery: And the winner is....the hard one to type

Paul: Would you two shove it?
Denny: Keep playing, not talking.
(Richard_V thinks laura is right)
Paul: Lazy!
(RStiles has a 50/50 chance.....)
(Denny disagrees but smiles pleasantly)

Slattery: READJUSTIN' JUSTIN WHILE THE WIND IS GUSTIN' GUSTIN'

(EnnReitel phones a friend)
(Greg applauds)
(Colin comes back into the room)
(LauraHall applauds)
Colin: it's me, again?
(RStiles claps for Col)
Colin: Wow
(Denny applauds but doesn't agree)
(Brad_Sher thinks this is rigged.)
(Richard_V Clap, clap)
Paul: It is!!!
Denny: Who rigged this for Colin???
Slattery: God, not another damn Colin twiglet
Paul: Clive stuffed the envelopes!!!!!
Paul: I saw him!

(Colin steps up, and the red carpet is rolled down)

Greg: Gee, Colin, I hope you hired someone to help you get all those Twiglets home
Clive: shhhh...
Colin: I'm sorry, it was set up to be Bald Night

Brad_Sher: Colin did have his love child, he probably figured he needed to repay the favor.
Richard_V: I guess baldies stick together
Slattery: I'll help, and steal some at the same time
Paul: You didn't pay me enough!

Colin: you weren't supposed to find out

Denny: The Dinettes are positively bursting all over.
(LauraHall is grateful I only have one twiglet, because I'd wreck my teeth)

Colin: anyway, I'd like to thank all the people I thanked before, again...
Colin: and all the people who will be thanked in advance for my next award

Denny: Ah, Colin, just smile, take it, leave. :)
Colin: thank you so much
(Colin leaves, arms very full)

Slattery: Col, will you give your next twiglet to me?
(Richard_V begins to feel a bit rejected)
Denny: I will never get one, as a fourth seater. *pouting*
Paul: I want a twiglet!

(Clive stands in the Las Vegas bus station)

Paul: One that isn't edible
Slattery: So do I, Paul
Paul: Or semi-edible
EddieIzz: i don't want a Twiglet, they taste like crap
Brad_Sher: This fourth-seater got one!
Richard_V: At least you get to talk Denny

Clive: Well, you've seen our next presenter before, now you're going to see him again.

(RStiles remembers Denny got one last year!)
Denny: That's true. But we KNOW you have a lovely voice, Richard. :)
Slattery: I've gotta win!
Richard_V: thanks *g*
(Paul gags Tony)
(Denny thanks RS for remembering)
EddieIzz: Doc Tony Holiday :oP

Clive: Direct from the US department of monkeys, and with all his shots, here's Brad.

(Denny is on Sudafed)
Greg: And Richard, we hear you look great in a bikini
Slattery: Mmmmumherrrrumph
(RStiles smiles... and pulls up his socks)

Brad_Sher: Thanks Clive.

Richard_V: you know it proopdog
DrewCarey: I'm a host, and I still only have about one
(Clive ducks into the toilets, then runs out followed by a flood...)
Slattery: *Gag falls off because it couldn't stand so much griping*
Denny: Ah, the man, the myth, the lover of all things monkey and minion
Clive: ahh... bikini... don't remind me...
Paul: Damn
(LauraHall thinks clive is having trouble adjusting to american food)

(Brad_Sher only invites the top monkeys on stage this time)

Slattery: I'm going to win!

Brad_Sher: where's that damn envelope?

(Denny would like a top monkey defined)
LauraHall: liz taylor has the envelope
Brad_Sher: I'm a top monkey, Denny.
Richard_V: ha ha, good one
Brad_Sher: Greg isn't.
(DrewCarey advises Clive to drink a six pack, it'll help the American food go down.)
Denny: Well, I can see you ON TOP ;)
Brad_Sher: And Liz Taylor will be shot and killed.
Slattery: And so should Drew Carey
Richard_V: that's a bit harsh
(Greg sits in a corner and tries to think of a suitable retort)
(EddieIzz gives Clive a spitoon to help with the six pack)

Brad_Sher: I apologize for the delay, people -- Clive's just reapplying his rogaine.

Denny: No Drew, no Whose Line, remember
Slattery: I'll host it then!

Brad_Sher: Ah, there he's back. A big hand for Clive, everyone!
Clive: sorry, we didn't send this one federal express...

(DrewCarey wants to kill Tony, but Dan won't let him for some reason)
LauraHall: Denny, remember that Slattery's a camera whore

Clive: it was delivered by greyhound buses... no wonder it was late...
Brad_Sher: My monkey doesn't like greyhounds, Clive. You know that.
Brad_Sher: The next Twiglet is the I Can't Believe It's Not The Best Scene From A Hat

(EddieIzz gives Tony and atomic wedgie to deflate his ego)
Denny: True.

Slattery: Nothing can deflate MY ego!
Slattery: I'll win this time
(Paul shoots at it)

Brad_Sher: Anyhow, the nominees are:

Greg: Fie, fie, my codpiece is bigger than yours, Slattery
EddieIzz: blank ego shots
Slattery: Wanna bet, Proops?
Richard_V: hey now
DrewCarey: shh...
Greg: I've seen you naked, Tony, I know
DrewCarey: *bzzzz*

Arguing over the tip. "I circumsized him, I get to keep it!"

DrewCarey: *bzz bzz bzzz*
Slattery: *Takes out gun and trys to shoot Drew and Greg*
EddieIzz: Chip!

Brad_Sher: At a weight-watcher's convention. "No Luck then?"

Richard_V: uh oh, he's discovered the buzzer
(Paul shoots Tony)
(RStiles claps for Cchip)
Greg: go Paul
(Paul shoots Greg)
Slattery: Man, Paul's going to win before I do!
Greg: Hey!

Brad_Sher: Joyriding elephants: "Come on Joy - get off of there!"

(Paul smiles)
(RStiles smiles)
Greg: Paul again. This is rigged
(DrewCarey buzzes everyone who's talking out of turn, and rings the doorbell twice)
Richard_V: pigs will fly before you win Slattery
Slattery: He's definitely going to win!
RStiles: good job Paul

Brad_Sher: Rejected restaurant themes "Welcome to Dead Cats..."

(Paul bows)
Brad_Sher: (please note the ellipsis)
EddieIzz: lol Drew
Bremner: have to say it beats the nasty theme-restaurant game

Brad_Sher: Things that would make Drew do a spit take (Ryan & Colin kiss)

LauraHall: oh network censors are working the twiglets too?
(DrewCarey does a spit take)

Brad_Sher: Two hairs left on Clive Anderson's head "Sure is lonely up here..."

Richard_V: Yeah, but they can't censor us baby
Denny: Kiss my *bleep*...guess so......
Brad_Sher: There's that damn ellipsis again.
Slattery: I'm never going to win, hey!
EddieIzz: kiss my asterix Tony

Brad_Sher: And What models say to each other on the catwalk "I'm lost - I don't know where I'm going!" etc.

Richard_V: ha

Clive: WINNER: THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE DREW DO A SPIT TAKE (RYAN & COLIN KISS)

(RStiles claps for Col)
(Paul crosses fingers)
Paul: Damn.

Brad_Sher: And the winner... well, Clive's probably just going to butt-in and blurt it out.

(Greg applauds)
(Richard_V claps)

Brad_Sher: Well, there he did it again.

(DrewCarey spits)
Paul: Of course. Damn Americans
(Colin runs in again)
(RStiles gets up and looks for Col...)
EddieIzz: wtg Colin/Ryan! want a breath mint?
Slattery: Ha! I'll still beat Paul!

Clive: sorry, greyhound just contacted me and told me they'd lost the envelope...
Brad_Sher: You're not frickin' Brittany Spears, Clive, you know that.
Colin: I'm here, over here

(Denny applauds)
Richard_V: Now, now. All americans' aren't bad
Greg: Clive is a damn American?
Paul: Oh shut the f*ck up Tony!!

(Colin steps up to the podium with Ryan)

(Richard_V looks lovingly at Laura)

(RStiles smiles at Col)

(LauraHall is getting freaked out over RV's attention)
Slattery: Colin gets another Twiglet. What about me?
(Denny thinks Ryan and Colin are secretly married)

(Colin pats Ryan on the back)

EddieIzz: well Paul never kissed anyone did he? sourpuss
Slattery: I'm the best person ever!
Brad_Sher: tony, you get a date with Clive.

RStiles: Bet you weren't expecting that were ya Col?
Colin: Congratulations Ryan, perhaps you'd like to make the speech

Slattery: Shut your ass, Brad!
Denny: Yes, we'd like to hear from Ryan. :)

Colin: well of course I was, that's why we have over five hundred thousand songs on three cds about the Twiglets

Brad_Sher: Your ass is the only one you should be worried about, tony...
Greg: Yeah. He makes nice, short speeches
EddieIzz: that could be difficult, why don't u demonstrate first, Tony?
Richard_V: Shhhh....Ryan's gonna talk

(RStiles looks at Col... then quickly recreates the kiss)

EddieIzz: oooooh aaaahhhh
Denny: And Brad could sing a song about Songs of the secret lovers
(Richard_V cat calls)
EddieIzz: aawwww
(Richard_V looks at Laura)

Colin: who could forget that great Disco hit... "Shut Up Tony!"
(RStiles heads back to his seat as Colin is still on stage blinking....)

Slattery: Oooo!
(Denny leads Colin back to seat)
(Colin doesn't have a seat, so he just leaves again)
Slattery: *Runs up to Colin and punches him*
Richard_V: pst. Greg, i think Colin's stealing your girl

Brad_Sher: Next award: The Damn Monkey Twiglet for Best Whose Line Line.

DrewCarey: too late, he's gone

Brad_Sher: And the winners are:

Slattery: This sounds like another Colin award....
Greg: well, we know it's going to be Ryan or Colin
LauraHall: tastes like chicken
(Paul gets bored and watches the tape of Greg)
EddieIzz: it's time to release the baboons! i'm in the mood for a big one.

Brad_Sher:

"Always keep a jellyfish in your handbag"

"Does it usually throb like that"

"I never knew you were inflatable"

"It's time for the royal spanking"

Seeing you naked changed my life"

and "Tickle me till I squeal"

Greg: think I need a bikini wax, Paul?
Paul: Oh yeah.

Brad_Sher: And the winner is:

LauraHall: jellyfish!
Paul: shave your ass too.
Slattery: It couldbe Brad

Brad_Sher: (Well, actually they're all winners. It's just that one receives the twiglet)

Greg: how politically correct
Greg: and yet nauseating

Brad_Sher: Holy cow! It's a write-in vote!

Slattery: Well, I'm pissed now

Brad_Sher: Oh, wait, no. The winner is "Seeing you naked changed my life!"

Clive: is that your normal chat-up routine, Brad?
Richard_V: I think someone should take the bottle away from Brad
EddieIzz: you were pissed when u hit your second beer, Tony
Slattery: It changed mine, too
(DrewCarey tries to remember who had that line)
(Greg claps)
(Denny applauds)
(Richard_V claps)
(Paul looks up from the video and claps)
Greg: I don't even remember that line.
Slattery: How many beers have I gone through now?

Brad_Sher: we could let Tony accept this award, but I think I'll let Denny do it instead.

(RStiles claps for Col)
Denny: Oh, well.
LauraHall: go denny!
(Richard_V Joins paul at the video)
DrewCarey: I think Colin would want it that way
Paul: I want to accept, damn it!

Denny: I would like to accept this award for all of those who have yet to win a Twiglet and probably won't tonight.

Richard_V: YAY!!!
DrewCarey: what a nice speech
Paul: Whohoo!
Slattery: You'll get yours after the ceremony, Brad. Watch it!

Denny: We may be 4th seaters, but we count, dammit.

(DrewCarey begins crying...)

Denny: So don't forget about us, b/c we won't forget about YOU. Ever.

Greg: Hey, I only got one so far and I'm Greg freakin' Proops
Richard_V: Don't cry Drew, there's more beer in the back

Denny: Thank you very much, and goodnight, Seattle, WA :)

Paul: Poor Baby!
(DrewCarey stops crying and runs to get more beer)
(Denny takes seat)
EddieIzz: Seattle Washington!

(Clive is hanging on an abseiling cord, half-way down the Hoover Dam)

LauraHall: so drew can cry in his beer
(DrewCarey stops about halfway to the kitchen, panting)
(Brad_Sher takes seat)
Slattery: I don't even care if I win anymore, I just wanna accept!
RStiles: where the sun don't shine!
Slattery: I was joking about the non-winning part!

Clive: Well, while I try to figure out how to get down from here, let's bring back an old... erm... person.

(Denny sees SOMEONE catching on)
Denny: :)

Clive: Oh, alright, his wit is as sharp as his suits. Greg Proops.

(DrewCarey comes back, beers in hand, and sits down)
(Richard_V Claps wildly)

Greg: Thanks, Clive.

Paul: Pass me a beer, Drew
Slattery: I'd better win this!

Greg: I hope you're not saying my suit's wrinkled.

Slattery: I need to get so drunk!
(Denny shouts out PROOPDOG! OCELOT!)
Dan: who votes Tony off the island...? :)
Paul: IT's wrinkled!
EddieIzz: you already are drunk, Slattery
(LauraHall reminds denny that greg doesn't need any help)

Greg: In the category of the Pawluk Best Credit reading

Paul: Horribly wrinkled! Stained too!
Denny: Greg, you look SUPAH.

Greg: The nominees are:

(Denny reminds Laura Hall that she isn't supposed to speak.)
Slattery: I say we all eat rats!
(Richard_V reminds Laura that Richard does)

Greg: Colin making as many faces as possible

Greg: ME, Greg, as a male stripper

EddieIzz: woo!
Paul: Hisssss!
LauraHall: wooh!
(Denny applauds wildly)
Richard_V: hey

Greg: Rory as Clive with the cast at an after show party

Denny: GREG GREG GREG
EddieIzz: yeah!
DrewCarey: Africa is a COUNTRY, I say
Slattery: A hundred bottles of beer on the wall....

Greg: Ryan and ME as bickering brothers

Richard_V: Jen is looking kinda mad there Denny
EddieIzz: bickering bros!
Denny: I promise to make it up to her, Richard.
Greg: Ryan and ME pitching a movie to a studio boss
Denny: She can have my spot on the show. :)

Greg: And...

Slattery: All those bottles are empty because I drunk 'em!

Greg: drum roll....

Richard_V: ah, ok
(Denny whispers GREG)

Greg: Tony Slattery as a drunk Australian soap star

Paul: Go Tony!
DrewCarey: that was a good one
Slattery: It's gonna be me! I'm going to win this one!
Denny: REALLY????????????
DrewCarey: maybe Tony'll win after all

Greg: And the winner...

EddieIzz: WOT?? yick

(Greg coughs)

DrewCarey: but now he's so drunk, it doesn't matter...
Denny: Ah, not yet.

(Greg drops envelope)

Slattery: I'm gonna win!!!
(Denny stops talking)

(Greg picks it up again, dusts it off)

Paul: Open the bloody thing now, or else I send the vid to your wife

Greg: And the winner is...

Slattery: Pick it up, Proops!

Greg: Tony Slattery, drunk Australian soap star!

DrewCarey: hooray!!!
(LauraHall applauds)
EddieIzz: omg the world is coming to an end
(RStiles asks Paul if he can get a copy of that tape...)
Denny: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well, congrats, Tony.
Slattery: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Greg steps aside for Tony, applauding)

Richard_V: well, that's it, pigs are flying by
(Slattery *Walks up on stage*)

(Denny still thinks it was Greg as STRIPPER)
Paul: Go Tony!
EddieIzz: the devil has a snowblower
Paul: I'll send you a copy later, Ryan

Slattery: Well, I didn't expect to win this, even though I've deserved all of the previous ones

Greg: I know, I was robbed, but Tony was getting pitiful ;)
RStiles: and Brad has sung... ;)
Denny: True, Greg. Very gracious of you. ;)

Slattery: So I'll take this moment to thank myself and not thank anyone else here.

Richard_V: Denny, should you be sitting on his lap with Jen here?

Slattery: I'll just stare at Denny's breasts!

EddieIzz: getting? he was pitiful ages ago
Denny: Well, Jen and I go WAY back. :)
DrewCarey: hah
Richard_V: ah, you americans
Greg: My wife's had her tongue down Colin's throat in those bushes for the last half hour

Slattery: And I refuse to leave the stage

Denny: Tony, not necessary thanks, anyway. :)
Richard_V: ha ha
Denny: Get Dan Patterson in here. Stat!
Slattery: I'm going to stand up here until I get Best Contestant twiglet!
Denny: We don't have that much time. *ggl*
(Paul goes up and drags Tony off the stage)
Richard_V: thanks Paul
(Paul ties Tony to the chair)
EddieIzz: lol Denny
Slattery: Let go of me you insane bastard!
Paul: Now stay put and shut up
(Paul sits back down)

(Clive is waiting at the Navahopi bus terminal, Flagstaff)

(Greg helps tie Tony to his chair)
Slattery: No!

Clive: Well done Tony, now perhaps you'll shut up for a while.

(Paul puts the tape on for Tony to watch.)
(Richard_V pours another beer down Tony's throat)

Clive: Although I've had to suck up to our next host for many years, I no longer work for him.

Slattery: I refuse to stay tied to this bloody chair!

Clive: So this gives me the opportunity to say just what I really think of Dan. Dan is a...
Dan: Mute Clive and camera on me...

Greg: Note the size and quality of that erection, Tony. Sorry about the grainy video
Paul: Just try to get out of it, as drunk as you are...

Dan: Good evening everyone.

Slattery: I'm going to go have a smoke
(Slattery heads outside)

Richard_V: Hi Dan!

Dan: Our next award is the Northern Twiglet for the Funniest Line.

Paul: Oi Dan
Denny: Remember me, Dan? I was pretty darn funny during S2. :)
(Slattery returns)
(Richard_V thinks he has a chance at this one)
(Denny hands Dan her card)
Slattery: Thought you could get rid of me?
Paul: Couldn't be so lucky

Dan: And the nominees are...

Paul: But you are still tied to that chair
Slattery: What's this one?

Dan: Clive: Well hurry up then before my funk gets stale!

Dan: Drew: What holds you to the earth? Greg: Why my love for you Drew!

Dan: Josie: Welcome to Dead Cats. The only restaurant where you can eat with your...

Dan: Mike: You oughta see the SYNCHRONISED humping the Tony!

DrewCarey: well, I suppose I'll be leaving for the night, it's past my bed time, and my hangover's going to be terrible...
DrewCarey: good night

Dan: Ryan: Quick - get on Colin! Colin: If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

(DrewCarey leaves)
Slattery: Hump me!
(Denny applauds for Clive and Greg)

Dan: Ryan: I don't really care for men. I just like to tease 'em a bit.

Dan: Steve: Would you care for some dripping? Caroline: No thanks - I'm doin' me own!

Slattery: Go humping the Tony!

Dan: And the winner is...
Dan: RYAN: QUICK - GET ON COLIN! COLIN: IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I'VE HEARD THAT...

(Greg applauds)
(Richard_V claps)
(Paul applauds)
(RStiles looks around for Col again)
Slattery: Not another damn Ryan and Colin one! That couple makes me puke!
Greg: Colin gets more sex than anyone I know
(Denny applauds but wonders who rigged the voting booth)
Richard_V: yeah, with whom Greg?
Slattery: If I weren't tied to this bloody chair I'd show 'em!
Paul: Clive rigged it, I tell you
Paul: You can get your vengence later
Slattery: I want it now!
Bremner: Clive? You think it's Clive playing favourites? It's Drew that made them "regulars!"
Greg: well, you guys were pretty close a while back, right, Richard?
(Colin rushes in yet again)
Colin: I'm here, Ryan! :)
Richard_V: funny Proops...i was talking with his bush friend
Paul: No! You don't deserve it now
(RStiles starts up to the podium with Col)

Colin: Ah, this is another special moment...

Greg: But Richard... I thought it was ME you loved
Paul: Get off the stageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
EddieIzz: you were talking with Dubya??
Richard_V: You know it is Greg!
Bremner: Dubya? Out! Out! Out!!!

Colin: I'm proud to..snif...have you as my best friend, Ryan.
Colin: You AND your shoes!
(RStiles kisses Colin again)

EddieIzz: aaaawwwww
Richard_V: aren't they cute...
Greg: I can't believe those damn shoes won over my cow vest and NIN shirt

Dan: eww... stop it! stop it!
(Colin kisses back, hopes Deb isn't watching)
(RStiles walks off... leaving Colin blinking again)

Richard_V:i loved your vest Greg!
(Paul goes temporarily blind)
Greg: thanks, Richard
(Colin runs off the stage and back outside)
(Richard_V winks at Greg)

Dan: And the next award is, of course, The Tony Award for Funniest Moment

Bremner: or my... two-piece suit. :-)
Denny: I loved his vest, too!

Dan: And the nominees for this are:

Dan: Drew & Greg's Africa Argument

Denny: YES!
Denny: Ahem...um...yes. :)

Dan: Courtroom Scene - Colin's gavel breaks

EddieIzz: he has a Twiglet named after him and Tony still moans his ass off
Richard_V: ha ha

Dan: Film Noire - Maltese Burger Joint kiss

Denny: Also funny!
Denny: BRILLIANT!

Dan: Newsflash - Colin realises he's on the screen

Denny: So many good ones......

Dan: Bartender - Ryan gets ribbed about his Neon Love Chicken shirt

Denny: Wow...who knew?
EddieIzz: lol
LauraHall: tough category

Dan: Film Trailer - Tony splits his pants

EddieIzz: i can't describe what i just saw

Dan: and Party Quirks - Wayne reveals Melissa's underwear

Denny: Bloody tough.
Richard_V: i think Tony passed out
Greg: Everyone needs to see Tony's William Burroughs author reading, for funniest moment
Denny: Not THAT one, however.
Denny: Greg, you're very kind.

Dan: And opening the envelope, I see the winner is...

Greg: I know ;)
Greg: humble too

Dan: PARTY QUIRKS - WAYNE REVEALS MELISSA'S UNDERWEAR

(Greg claps wildly)
Denny: *sigh*
(Paul protests on Tony's behalf)
(Richard_V Claps)
Greg: Poor Wayne
LauraHall: the girl that launched 1000 hoedowns
Paul: I should have won that bloody thing!
(Bremner throws a fit upon the crowning of a DL moment as "The funniest.")
Greg: so who wins that - Wayne or Melissa?
Denny: Nearly all by Ryan.
Denny: Wayne's publicist. KIDDING!
(EddieIzz slaps Bremner around a bit with a large trout)
Dan: Is wayne or melissa around anywhere?
RStiles: Well, it was SCREAMING to be sung about... come on!
Richard_V: i think Wayne's out in the bushes with Jen
Dan: No... okay, well we'll accept this award on his behalf and won't tell him about it.
Denny: I think they are out in the parking lot, getting busy.
Greg: Oh, geez, what a tramp
Greg: I'm so proud
Denny: Not that you heard it from me. :)
Paul: As you should be, Greg

(Melissa is ushered into the theatre looking embarrassed)
Melissa: THANK YOU... FOR GIVING ME SOME MUCH-NEEDED EXPOSURE.

(Melissa leaves)

(Denny laughs)
LauraHall: isn't that un-needed exposure?
Richard_V: ha ha
Greg: LOL
Richard_V: i thought we'd get a replay
Paul: Heh

(Clive is standing on a peak in the middle of the Grand Canyon)

Denny: Er.........
EddieIzz: hey Becksaboo
LauraHall: sounds like clive is headed towards albuquerque

Clive: HELLO!... OUR FINAL SPECIAL PRESENTER FOR THE EVENING...

Denny: I have to go on stage in 20 minutes.

Clive: HAS BEEN OUT HERE BEFORE...

LauraHall: say hello to the diva if you see her

Clive: WELCOME BACK OUR MUSICAL MISTRESS... LAURA HALL.

Denny: Of course. :)
Richard_V: hee hee
(Denny applauds)
(Greg applauds for Laura)
(EddieIzz appluads)
(Richard_V Aplauds Wildly)
(Bremner applauds)
(Paul applauds)
(Richard_V cat cals)
(Paul smiles at Greg)

LauraHall: hello again. I seem to have forgotten my glasses.

Denny: Go, Laura, go, Laura
(Greg pops a major bone for Laura)

LauraHall: oh, here they are

Denny: Greg...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Richard_V: hey greg, keep it in your pants buddy
(Paul rolls eyes)
Greg: Sorry, Denny
Paul: At least wait until you're in the green room again
Denny: That's okay, Greg. You're still my Pookie. :)
EddieIzz: or in front of the green screen
Richard_V: ugh

LauraHall: okay, here we go. I'm going to present the compilated twiglet for the best individual game, and the nominees are:

LauraHall: courtroom scene (the case of the stolen chicken)

Greg: hey, if that video makes it to the green screen, Denny and I could be sharing an award next year
Denny: I could use another one. :)

LauraHall: film dub (the salesman arrives)

Richard_V: yeah, well you will be up against me and Laura
Paul: I don't think so, at least not until I get paid for the rights

LauraHall: film noire (the Maltese Burger)

Denny: I think we're gonna take it Richard. :)
Greg: Richard, I'll be up against you any time :)

LauraHall: Improbable mission (doing the laundry)

Richard_V: hey, you guys wanna double date?
Denny: I'm game. :)

LauraHall: Newsflash (Colin's highlights)

EddieIzz: lol
(Dan leaves his booth)
Richard_V: great! my country or yours?
Greg: Dan's gone. Party!
Denny: I think this might take it.

LauraHall: and video Players (inside the walls of Folsom prison)

Denny: HAND HAND HAND
Greg: And I want to do the weather ;)
(Paul lets it all out and laughs)

LauraHall: And this twiglet will go to..........

EddieIzz: IN ME!
(Bremner votes for video players)
Denny: I just want ON the show again!

LauraHall: hmmm...I wonder what's on comedy central right now...

(Dan returns)
RStiles: Sentator Dole's hand is in me, pussy!
Paul: Damn, he's back
Richard_V: I thought you gave your spot to Jen, Denny
EddieIzz: wb Pattersonny
RStiles: Whoops!
Denny: Nah, we're sharing.

LauraHall: oh, the twiglet will go to Improbable mission/doing the laundry
LauraHall: also known as THE CAT!!!

Richard_V: yay!!!
(Greg claps)
Denny: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EddieIzz: wd!
Bremner: ANOTHER DL!!!
Bremner: yay Greg!
EddieIzz: wooohhooooo DL!
Richard_V: Go Colin, Go Colin
(Denny gives Greg a BIG kiss)
(RStiles looks sheepishly at Dan and hurries onto the stage)
(Paul snores)
(Colin runs in again)

Colin: I'm back!
(Greg bends Denny over the podium and...)
(Colin runs to stage)
Greg: oh, hi, everyone
Colin: Hello, again. Oh, Canada!

(Paul wakes up and smacks greg)
Richard_V: hey guys, take it to the parking lot

Greg: Sorry, I seem to be channeling Tony this evening

(EddieIzz does a funky lizzard dance)

Colin: Greg, thank you for confusing us utterly so that we could have those lovely moments.

(Paul claps for Greg)

Greg: Why, any time, Colin!
(Colin kisses Greg)

EddieIzz: yummy

(Greg faints)

EddieIzz: breath mint?
(Richard_V throws water on Greg)

(Colin picks up Greg, drags him back to seat)
(RStiles gets a disgusted look, steals the twiglet and heads for his seat)

EddieIzz: awww Ryan jealous

(Colin leaves the scene again)

Richard_V: nice shoes Ryan
Paul: Can I have it Ryan?
(Greg stands up, smooths wrinkles out of suit, straightens tie)

LauraHall: the next twiglet is for something I've got just a leeetle bit to do with. This is the Hall/Vranch twiglet for best song
LauraHall: and the nominees are:

Denny: NIROSHI!???
(Richard_V listens attentivly)

LauraHall: American Musical/having a baby, getting mugged, watching tv

Greg: Hollywood, here I are

LauraHall: Bartender/annoyed at being jilted

LauraHall: Hoedown/Colin

Denny: Good one, gotta say.
Denny: NIROSHI!!!???
Paul: Niroshi?

LauraHall: song styles/clean it up-TLC

Greg: Love the Colin hoe-down
Richard_V: i think there's a pokemon stuck in the speaker
Denny: BRIOCHI?

LauraHall: song styles/dolores-michael jackson

Denny: PACIFIC OSHI?

LauraHall: song styles/lee-stripogram

Denny: NIROSHI, NIROSHI
Richard_V: somebody kill that thing, will you
EddieIzz: lunch lady lee and her meatballs?

LauraHall: and three headed broadway star/you've got sole from My Favorite Shoe

Denny: LOL
Richard_V: hee hee
Denny: NO NIROSHI? BRAD WAS GIPPED!
Denny: *snif*
(Paul is confused and drinks one of the bottles of beer lying around)
(Richard_V hands Denny tissue)

LauraHall: And the twiglet goes to, despite a major last minute write in for Niroshi, the infamous Colin hoedown!!

Denny: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! (since no Niroshi!)
EddieIzz: careful, i think Tony peed in one of those bottles, Paul
(Greg claps, offers Brad a consolation shag)
Richard_V: only one?
Clive: that's a risk he's prepared to take...
Denny: I'm sure Brad will be happy to accept it. :)
(Paul spits out the beer right on Greg's suit)
Richard_V: Hey Greg, you're gonna be putting in a lot of $ for that marriage councilor
EddieIzz: i didn't stick around long enough to find out how many Slattery filled
Greg: Hey, Merton, I've warned you
(Paul splashes contents of rest of bottle on greg)

(Clive is flying back towards Las Vegas in a plane)

Greg: not my usual cologne, but it's interesting
LauraHall: has anybody accepted for the colin hoedown?
Paul: It's lovely
(EddieIzz gives Paul a golf ball to swallow)

Clive: As the host during that hoedown, I'll accept that award because frankly my own shelf is rather bare.

Denny: Um..........
Richard_V: no, colin's still shagging Greg's wife

Clive: And the show hasn't been running long enough for me to take out a best host award even though I would.

Greg: no, honey, the keys for the handcuffs are in your handbag

Clive: Anyway, it's time for our second-last award for the evening; The Wheel of Fish Twiglet for Best Game

Clive: And the nominees?

Clive: Everyone's favourite, Hoedown.

Denny: This ought to go to Greg, due to the name of the twiglet.....

Clive: Brad's favourite, Let's Make A Date

Denny: (in some fashion)
Denny: LOL. WOOOOOOOOOOO ME.

Clive: Ryan's favourite, Narrate/Film Noire

RStiles: Ugh

Clive: Colin's favourite, Newsflash/Green Screen

EddieIzz: LMAD!

Clive: The audience's favourite, Superheroes

Clive: And the censors' favourite, Whose Line.

Denny: Hmmm...toughie.

Clive: And the winner is... SUPERHEROES!

(Greg claps)
Denny: Superheroes?
(Richard_V claps)
(Paul claps)
(Denny claps)
LauraHall: yay imaginary friend boy (oops, it hasn't aired yet)
(EddieIzz yays)

Greg: I'll accept, since it's pretty much MY game
Dan:Um... I suppose I should accept this one.
Greg: Back off, Dan, you treat me like dirt as it is

Denny: Wait, what about Greg?
Richard_V: psst, Laura are you busy later?
Denny: He rules at this one! :)

Dan: I've got a surprise for you later Greg :)
Dan: okay, you can take it...

LauraHall: i'm always busy
Richard_V: yeah you are girl!
(Denny applauds for Greg, laughs at Laura)

Greg: Get off the stage, Dan. Thanks everyone. I'm going to add some footage to my video now.

Denny: Awoooooooooo...Chris! :)
Dan: (prepare to cut away if he drops his pants....)
(RStiles strains his neck from the back)

(Clive jumps out of the plane with a parachute)

EddieIzz: strained peas?
Richard_V: psst, Paul, you're gonna make me a copy of that, right?
(Denny chants STRIPPER, STRIPPER)
Paul: Yep. You, Ryan, anyone else?
Greg: I want royalties on that.
Paul: No.
Richard_V: filler for the PPV
(EddieIzz gives Greg a Prince Charles royalty)
Denny: Are we at the last award yet? I go on in five minutes. :)

(Clive comes crashing through the ceiling)

Greg: Twenty bucks? Well, seeing as you're a member of the royal family...
(Paul coughs from the dust)

Clive: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big one.

EddieIzz: apparently we don't have doors in the UK
(Denny applauds in anticipation)
(Greg primps his hair)

Clive: or maybe I shouldn't say that, being nearish California and all. But this is the final award, the Hall of Fame entry and the special Golden Twiglet for best contestant
Clive: Not only that, but we're going to come in under 3 hours...

Denny: Oh, yeah...........
LauraHall: write in for musicians

Clive: And the nominees are...

Bremner: hehe 3 hours :-)

Clive: Wayne Brady

Denny: And for 4th seaters no longer on show. :)
(Greg zips his pants)

Clive: Josie Lawrence

(Denny whispers GREG)

Clive: Mike McShane

Paul: thank you greg. we've seen quite enough of you
Bremner: and for impressionists :-)

Clive: Greg Proops

EddieIzz: GREEEEEGGGG!!!!!!!!

Clive: Tony Slattery

(Denny shouts YES!!!!!!!!)
Richard_V: yay!
Paul: Yay!
(Greg tries to look humble)
Denny: (for Greg, sorry Tony)

Clive: and I'm sure you'll all be happy by this time to note, Ryan and Colin are NOT eligible this year!

(WBrady arrives, fashionably late)

Denny: LOLOL

Clive: And the winner is...

(Greg tries not to look smug)
Richard_V: who won last year?
Denny: GREG????????????????????
WBrady: colin did

(Clive pulls a lever. A curtain lifts at the back of the stage. Smoke fills the area behind it.)

(Denny is getting stoked)

(Clive turns as the smoke clears and a giant sign lights up....)

Clive: GREG PROOPS!

EddieIzz: YAAAAHHHOOOOOOIE!!!!!!!
Richard_V: YAY!!!!!
Denny: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LauraHall: yay!
Bremner: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul: Damn it!
(Richard_V kisses Laura)
(Denny gives Greg a HUGE HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Denny: Dan Patterson, PAY ATTENTION, MAN. :P
(EddieIzz gives Greg a big smackeroo)
(Greg faints)
EddieIzz: oops, my lipstick must be powerful
Clive: oh my god... we've killed greg!
Denny: Greg leaves JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO WIN HIS AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!
Clive: medic... medic?
Richard_V: uh oh...
Denny: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
(Denny sobs)
(Greg wakes up)
EddieIzz: the ecstacy of winning was too much for him!
Richard_V: he's back!
Paul: He returned
Clive: I'll get the electric pads...
LauraHall: here he is
Greg: what did I miss?
Paul: Huzzah
(danana back to her normal self and off the phone just in time, rips off all her clothes and does a table dance for greg proops!!!)
Denny: Greg! Accept! Accept!
Bremner: yeah danababe! yeah!!!
(Greg faints again)
(Denny joins Danana on the table)

Greg: I'd like to thank the academy, if we have one

Richard_V: speech, speech, speech
EddieIzz: you won, Greg! YOU WON!!!!
danana: WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Greg: I'd like to thank Denny VERY, VERY much for the last couple of hours

Richard_V: oh, there's an acadamy baby
Denny: The Twiglet Academy, you betcha.
danana: a GRAND DAY in whose line history!!!!
LauraHall: it's all a dream. you're really in a studio in england

Greg: I'd like to thank my wife for keeping Colin busy

Denny: JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED.
(JaneBigge makes a brief guest appearance)
Paul: LOL
Richard_V: ha ha

Greg: and I'd like to thank everyone who didn't win for not winning. Peace.

Denny: You go, Greg!
Richard_V: you're gonna need that money for therapy
(Paul shouts out "When's the foursome?!?!")
LauraHall: bigger than what?
JaneBigge: NOW!
JaneBigge: most tape editors.
JaneBigge: :)
(LauraHall slips out quietly)
(RichardV follows Laura)
(JaneBigge exits, greeting MykolaP on her way in)

Dan: Cut to Clive, prepare to roll credits...

(Denny calls Dan P, insists that Greg be given permanent slot)

Clive: Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna party on here at the Whoselywood Theater all night...

Greg: Condoms for everyone.
Bremner: Louise Grime...she has grime...all over her naughty bits.

Clive: In the meantime, this is me, Clive Anderson, saying night y'all. Night y'all!

(MykolaP passes a joint to greg...)
Denny: Congrats, Greg!
MykolaP: MAZAL TOV GREG!
Richard_V: good job Greg!
Greg: Thank you.

Dan: And roll credits.


Post-show Party

EddieIzz: Bye Clive!
Bremner: Great job Greg!
Greg: I love being so cool...
Denny: Off I go to my stage job...cya...
Dan: We're out!
(Everyone heads off to get down and funky with the Proop-dog)