Whose Line #2
Showdown at the OK Corral
RYAN: Alright, pilgrum... you wanna take me on and ... get killed?
COLIN: Hey, aren't you John Wayne?
RYAN: Nope, I just do impressions.
COLIN: Well they're pretty bad.
RYAN: You wanna make something of it?
COLIN: I sure do. Any last words before I shoot you dead?
RYAN: Well, the only thing I want to say is ...
Hey, who ordered pumpkin?
COLIN: I ordered that pumpkin!
RYAN: Well, we ain't got any pumpkin around these parts.
COLIN: You ain't got any pumpkin, do you?
COLIN: My mama made some of the best pumpkin pie in these parts.
When people ate her pie, they'd always say to her...
Have those socks been in the toilet long?
COLIN: Yes, a little toilet water, squeezed from socks.. it
was her secret ingredient for the pie
RYAN: Sounds tasty
COLIN: Yes, I'll have to make it for you sometime
RYAN: Weren't you going to kill me?
COLIN: Well, I thought eating that pie might be a more creative
way of killing you
RYAN: I guess I won't be eating it then!
COLIN: Damn.. I shouldn't have told you. I've gotta stop doing
RYAN: Thats it, I'm going to kill you instead.. I have you right
where I want you.. wait.. Just move a little over to the left
COLIN: Do I look that stupid?
RYAN: It's all part of my technique you see, taught to me by
my great grandfather.. When I was 5, he sat me down and said...
Forty days and forty nights of rain, rain, rain...
RYAN: I'd look out the window and he'd shoot a pellet gun at
my bum. The man was a genius.
COLIN: I can tell.
RYAN: About that killing thing...
COLIN: Oh, yeah... Um, forty days and forty nights of rain,
RYAN: I gotta see this.
RYAN: Nice try, my friend. But right before you fired, the bartender
yelled to me...
Hey, don't have a cow, man!
RYAN: And then they never let me come into that bar again.
COLIN: What were you thinking, bringing that there cow into
RYAN: I don't know, thought it was someone he knew....and ever
since that day, I've lost every shred uh dignity I had left in me!
COLIN: Well, pardner, my grandpappy told me somethin' real important-like
on his deathbed.
RYAN: Really? What did he say?
COLIN: He just looked me right in the eye, and said...
Shouldn't I be taller?
RYAN: And he should of been taller.
COLIN: Yes he should of but he also told me not to stall what
I set out to do.
RYAN: And what would that be?
(RYAN Falls down as sheriff GREG comes upon)
GREG: Trouble here?
COLIN: No, just the usual...
GREG: That man looks dead
COLIN: That's because he is
GREG: Oh, do you know what my mom told me about dead men?
COLIN: No but you'll probably tell me
GREG: Right you are, she always said...
Is that the best you can do?
Four sponges and a blancmange please, Mrs Johnson.
Bring me my bow of burning gold.
Go on, give it a squeeze.
Never try to do a Hoedown in the nude.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
COLIN: Wow.. She talked a lot didn't she
GREG: Ya, it was hard to get her to shut up
GREG: She would just babble on about things you know... About
this, and that.. and other stuff
GREG: It would never make any sense, and no one could get her
to shut up
COLIN: nods Sounds familliar
GREG: What is that supposed to mean?
COLIN: chuckle Um, Anyway.. Can you move this dead guy out of
the way. He's blocking the door
GREG: Not so fast my friend.. I'm going to have to ask you a
few questions first
COLIN: If you must.. But hurry up, I have a hoedown to get to
GREG: Ok Ok.. First thing I want to know is...
Does it usually throb like that?
COLIN: No can't say that it does... next question...
GREG: OK OK....
Where'd you get the plaid pants?
GREG: These old things? From a slain scotsman actually...had
to wrestle them away from a lovelorn sheep.
COLIN: Those weren't the pants he had on!
GREG: Aha! So your motive for killing this dead man on the floor
was to steal his pants.
COLIN: You're crazy, man! Have you seen his shoes?
GREG: My mother warned me about men like you...she always used
Is that what I think it isn't?
COLIN: That mother of yours.. She really didn't make much sense
GREG: I know.. I really have to stop quoting her
COLIN: You sound like a bit of a mama's boy to me
GREG: Hey! I'm the one in charge here.. Be careful of what you
COLIN: Yes, but I'm the one with the bigger gun
RYAN: (grumble grumble)
GREG: I thought he was dead!
COLIN: So did I!.. Whats he trying to say?
GREG: I don't know.. lets listen..
COLIN & GREG: (both lean in)
Grease me up, I'm getting in!
COLIN: He isn't making sense...(BANG)
GREG: Why did you shoot him again?
COLIN: He was possed by a demon... and you know what the good
book says about that...
What are you doing with that squeezy bottle?
GREG: I'm trying to kill you with it. This town doesn't have
a big enough budget for guns, so I'm trying to drown you by squeezing water
into your mouth.
COLIN: Is that why I said "possed by a demon" instead of "possessed?"
GREG: No, I believe that was just you
COLIN: Oh, I never could spell
GREG: That's okay, whenever I had trouble spelling, my mom would
always say to me...
COLIN: Yes, Yes??
GREG: I forgot.
COLIN: Well, now what?
GREG: Now you die.
COLIN: What will it say on my tombstone?
GREG: Well, I'll just tell you. It will say...
I love it when you use me as a split screen montage!
GREG: Yeah, and the tombstone will have a built in split-screen
montage ability too!
COLIN: Wow... I'll have to come up with something like that
for my own!
GREG: Well, I know this guy... he's a little spaced-out sometimes
but he does good tombstones.
COLIN: Really? What's he called?
GREG: You must have heard of him... Billy TheChild? Fastest
carver in the west?
COLIN: Not that I remember...
GREG: Surely you've seen his commercial? He's got that great
catch phrase ...
Please consider it as a free gift.
COLIN: He must not make much money with a slogan like that
GREG: Ya, I have to remember to tell him to start charging people
COLIN: But while he's still doing the free thing.. I'll have
to take advantage of it
GREG: So you ARE ready to die then!
COLIN: Actually no.. the tombstone is for my mother
GREG: When did she pass away?
COLIN: She didn't
GREG: Okaay... uh...on a different note, Have any last words?
COLIN: Yes I do as a matter of fact! It's a line from a poem
I wrote about my childhood...
Is that the biggest it gets?
COLIN: I didn't have much luck with puberty, as you can imagine...
GREG: Okay, I didn't need to hear that. I think I'd better shoot
(Greg points his gun at Colin, but before he shoots, is knocked unconscious
COLIN: You saved my life, mom!
SANDI: I knew you'd be out here making trouble. Your father
said you might grow up like this. And you know what? He liked it!
COLIN: You were always smothering me!
SANDI: Yeah, but that's 'cause you were unwanted. If only I
COLIN: No! I just wanted to live my life on my own! But you
would always tell me useless things, things I already knew. You'd say...
Make me squeal like a pig, you big lump of cheddar, you!
There once was a man from Chernobyl...
SANDI: Yes, I'd make you make me squeal like a pig like a man
COLIN: Those were the days.
RYAN: (Gets up, coughs) Hold on there, pardner.
COLIN: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
RYAN: It was just a flesh wound. You know what I say about getting
Elephants and leopards should not be mixed by an amateur.
COLIN: Oh, so thats how you got that scar!
(Greg gets up)
GREG: Now I shoot you.
COLIN: But wait! I have something to say!
Snow isn't the only place you can pee your name.
COLIN: Ryan will you just die?
COLIN: Too, bad...(Bang!!!)
GREG: Now he's dead for good, but just to make sure(Bang, Bang,
COLIN: Not even Mike Myers, Jason Voorhes, or Freddy Krugger
could survie that
GREG: Now you must die COLIN!!!
COLIN: Wait, let me tell my mom something first...
Haven't you got anything better to do?
SANDI: No, I thought watching my only son die would be pretty
interesting. It's not like I cared about you.
SANDI: That's right, I never loved you!
GREG: Say, your husband still around?
SANDI: Why, I don't see him. Why, do you have something you
want to say to me?
GREG: Yes, I do, ma'am...
Look out for the space alien!
My God, you're ugly.
(RYAN gets up, again)
RYAN: So, you figured out my true identity, and thanks for the
GREG: Yes, uh, I knew it all the time.
SANDI: Oh I'm just so proud of you!
RYAN: I guess you will now try to stop me in my horrific plan
to enslave the entire human race!
GREG: That's right, you know what the law says...
Take the horse to the bridge, Mrs Johnson, and someone will be along
RYAN: Darn it, I knew I shouldn't have left that book of the
Gargonzoliadonian laws outside my spaceship for everyone to read! Now I
have to go peacefully!
SANDI: Oh, son, congratulations! You've saved the world! And
you maneged to translate Gargonzoliadonian while you're at it! Maybe I'm
glad I had you after all.
COLIN: Why thanks, mom!
SANDI: But how did you know how to translate Gargonzoliadonian
COLIN: How? How? Because... I'm a Gargonzoliadonian too! pulls
GREG: AAARGH! Faints
RYAN: Well, Colinzoliadon, you know what the Gargonzoliadonian
law tells us to do at a time like this!
That's right... How much Gargonzoliadonian wood could a Gargonzoliadonian
woodchuck chuck if a Gargonzoliadonian wood chuck could chuck Gargonzoliadonian
COLIN: (BANG, RYAN'S DEAD FOR THE LAST AND FINAL TIME)
GREG: Oh, well....
Please adjust your tray into the upright position.
(RYAN's dead body gets up and leaves)
(GREG gets back up)
COLIN: Hey! What are we doing up here in a plane!
GREG: I just got a job as a stewardess.
COLIN: I thought you were a sherrif.
GREG: Two paychecks.
GREG: Since duelling is punnishable by death, I needed to deal
with you, so I've put us all on a plane 30000 feet up and perpindicular
to the ground.
SANDI: You what?
GREG: I've put us all on a plane 30000 feet up and perpindicular
to the ground.
COLIN: Don't worry mama, I got an idea...
When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you.
SANDI: Smile? THATS your big escape plan?
COLIN: Look.. I never said it was a GOOD idea! Its the only
one I got right now
SANDI: This is just nuts... Why oh why did you have to inherit
your fathers brain?
COLIN: Well, do YOU have any ideas?
SANDI: We could get some parachutes, and jump out of the plane
COLIN: Sure why not... I saw a sign over there, it may lead
us to some parachutes
SANDI: What did the sign say?
Engage panic mode, panic mode engaged... AAAAAAGGGHHH!
SANDI: Oh thanks, that really fills me with confidence. Even
the sign doesn't recommend it.
COLIN: Oh, come on, parachute's don't fail all that often. Have
you ever met anyone whose parachute failed?
SANDI: Well... no, I haven't. Okay then, I guess they're safe.
COLIN: Fine. Then we'll parachute down to the ground.
SANDI: Ok, you first. And don't forget to shout something.
COLIN: Oh yeah, you mean like Geronimo?
SANDI: Well... yeah, but that's a little obvious, isn't it?
COLIN: I'll try and come up with something different... here
I go! One, two, three...
Why are you looking at me like that?