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Transcripts
Rap & Scene to Rap
RAP
The Animals Rap
(Episode R.01)
Hey. Feel good!
I went to the zoo, walked down the street,
Opened the door, and guess who I should meet?
A tiger came, and bit off my leg,
And now I'm gonna walk back home again.
It's the animal rap.
Dawn French:
I like animals, I like Pekinese,
I like them a lot, cause their stupid knees.
I like everything, I like a snake,
And it.. I don't, if it's a fake.
Stephen Fry: (talking out of time)
Yeah um, oh...
I find it rather hard to get to sleep,
So I tend to spend my time counting sheep.
Um, I've got, ah, plenty in my bedroom, um, one on the walls,
Um, one in bed and one curled up on my lap.
John Sessions:
I like the Man from U.N.C.L.E, like the Man From Atlantis,
But I like to make love to a praying mantis,
Get down on your legs, down on your feet,
And go after those sheep till they bleat bleat bleat.
I said damn.
Lenny Henry:
Oh yeah.
Feel good!
Oh y... Sorry, I'm enjoying this too much.
I like to go hunting, there's no denyin',
I like to stick my gun into a big lion.
I'd like to get down with a big fat sheep,
I'd like to do something else, and then go to sleep.
Dawn French:
I like all sorts of animals, especially cats,
I like them if they're thin, I like them if they're fat.
I like other animals, I like a dog,
But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog.
Stephen Fry:
I once went to bed with a baby llama,
But it didn't matter 'cause he didn't tell his mamma.
I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina,
But it did matter 'cause it was a minah.
Clive: I think we can rap that one up there...
The Banking Rap
(Episode 2.10)
Lee Simpson:
Working in a bank has made me a wreck,
I keep bouncing things, especially bounced cheques.
I haven't had a good day since I've worked this bank,
To pass the time I just have to ... do a crossword puzzle.
I try to do things that help pass the time,
But the manager doesn't like me, he doesn't like my rhyme.
So I said to him, "You can stuff your job!",
He said, "Get out of my bank! You always were a slob!".
Jan Ravens:
When you're choosing a bank to go to,
It's really hard to find the best.
Which are the ones that are in South Africa?
The ones from which we have to disinvest.
Tony Slattery:
Banking is a subject close to my heart,
Me and my current account are never far apart.
You go to the manager, on closer inspection,
He's really dishy. He gives me an erection!
Mike: The man has the morals of a German Shepherd!
Clive: Move on! Let's move on.
Mike McShane:
Sperm Bank! That's what I run,
I have to admit it's a lot of fun!
The customers always come in real glad,
And when they leave, you know they're sad.
I like to deposit, but most of all,
When the shops close down I can make a withdrawal!
The Cooking Rap
(Episode 2.01)
I'm a master chef, I'm in your kitchen,
When I whip up an omelette, Lord it's bitchin'.
I crack the eggs and I lay 'em in the pan,
Spread out the cheese and go, goin' on it man!
I flip it over, I whip my hand,
It lands right back in the aluminum pan,
I serve it up, and it's really hot,
If you don't like omelette, I say it a lot.
Tony Slattery:
Cooking is my obsession,
So what's gonna happen now is a cookery lesson.
It's where it's at, food is where it's been,
I'm a pissed chef. I'd like a large gin.
Josie Lawrence:
Hi everybody, my name is Josie,
I'm gonna teach you how to eat spaghetti.
You can do it in a lot of ways,
You can chop up a garlic, make a bolognaise,
You can make it slow or make it faster,
There's lots of ways that you can do pasta.
Greg Proops:
Well I'm a groovy chef, I'm totally illin',
And when I make a dish, it's way way thrilling.
The girls come in the kitchen, they hop like a frog,
'Cause they want to taste my big hot dog.
The Dental Hygeine Rap
(Episode 2.13)
Gotta floss those teeth, gotta floss those teeth,
Go round inside, go down underneath.
Go round the top, go back to the bottom,
And then you're just peculiar.
Tony Slattery:
Paul Daniel's Magic Show, Terry and June,
Sky Television ... oh, no, I thought it was 'crap'. It's 'rap'. Sorry.
I love dentists, I love them every day,
I love them in lots of special ways,
I love my hygeinist, he is great,
I want him to have my baby, I want him to be my mate.
Josie Lawrence:
Come on dentist, get off of my back,
I want you to scrape away my plaque,
Come on now and hear me sing,
I want you to make my mouth a bright thing.
Do the bright thing.
Greg Proops:
Yo, yo, I'm the dentist, I'm Doctor Gain,
I'm here to cause you a massive amount of pain,
Sit down in the chair, I'll pull on your hair,
And drill right down to your underwear.
The D.I.Y. Rap
(Episode R.06)
D.I.Y.'s often done by a guy called Brian,
He makes naff kind of bannisters out of wood and plywood and wrought iron.
Now and again he breaks off and goes and talks to the wife,
But most of the time he's happier... with a stanley knife.
Jon Glover:
The guy next door he's driving me mad,
Really all hammering, he really sad,
He's trying to build himself a house,
But the guy just ain't as quiet as a mouse.
Rory Bremner:
Hell you get yourself a hammer and you get yourself a drill,
And you save a lot of money on the decorator's bill.
You can drill all night, you can drill all day,
And you'll really save a lot of money that way, know what I mean, you know?
Stephen Fry:
Well well oh yes um... ooh I, I shouldn't wonder.
Um no, D.I.Y. is, well it's, it's um... it's, it's injurious to the health.
Um, it stands, for those who are interested, for Do It Yourself.
Um, I had, I have a terrible time with all these ah, all these um, you know, brackets and fixtures.
Um, I tried to put a picture on the wall the other day, erm... a ha ha, and essentially I put, I put the wall on the picture.
Um... went horribly wrong.
John Sessions:
Chubby Checker and Desmond Decker,
You need a Black and Decker for the breaker,
And everyone knows that they like any kind of tool,
Go back to (be steen as?) Marley's ghost, on the islands...
And finding a rhymeski, that's usually the rule.
Jon Glover:
Well I went on down to M.F.I.,
To see if I could find something for I,
I couldn't find nothing that would fit together,
But now I'm making something out o' leather.
Rory Bremner:
But the guy next door he's going to do it a lot faster,
'Cause he's gone and got himself a huge ghetto blaster,
He's got himself the fuses and he's got himself the wires,
He's gonna do himself up in electrical fires.
Stephen Fry:
Nearly.
I um... I... I, I do a bit of um, bit of ah, bit of D.I.Y. now and again.
Um... well it's a lot cheaper than you know, well, paying the men.
Um... I ah... ha... I ah... ha ha... I ah, I s'pose you could call me, ah, you know, something of a self-inflater,
But I'm ah... I did it ah, myself, to myself, and I'm a self-made man who worships his own creator.
The Dustmen Rap
(Episode 2.17)
You know that throwing litter is a sin,
You should pick it up, and put it in the bin.
What I am is what I am,
Because I am a d- d- d- dustman.
I like my job so well,
But nobody ever can tell,
I pick up the bins and then what's more,
I spill the rubbish all over the floor.
Arthur Smith:
Yes I spill that rubbish on the floor,
I kick the dog and I splash the door,
I deal in rubbish, horrible and green,
I'm like the captain of the English cricket team.
Sandi Toksvig:
They call me rubbish, they call me trash.
They call me dustmen which is a little bit dash,
But I'm telling you now, and I'm telling you here,
Actually I'm a Sanitary Engineer.
Mike McShane:
(Barks)
I'm a dog, I love getting in,
Anything that looks like a big trash bin.
They've got the bones, and they've got the goop,
I can't get enough and then I take a little scoop,
Of some bad food, three days old,
It's got a nice heavy thing of mould,
It tastes real good to someone like me,
'Cause this dog's got no pedigree.
The Fish Rap
(Episode R.03)
When you're swimmin' in the water, down by Bermuda,
You're gonna bait yourself, wash with a barracuda,
You're gonna see every type of fish, you're gonna see every type of fin,
Then you got in the water you gotta get out again.
Nonny Williams:
If you wanna stay young, and you don't want a wrinkle,
You should eat your haddock, you should eat your winkle.
If you wanna keep a lodge of space,
Eat your halibut, eat your plaice.
Jimmy Mulville:
I don't like chops and I don't like ham,
I don't like lamb and I don't like spam,
I don't like anything, I don't like gammon,
A-just give me a nice piece of salmon. Yeah!
Stephen Fry:
Well... I rather like the weathermen. Um... ah, they're so fearfully cool.
There's Ian McCaskill, he's no fool.
But ah... the one man in Britain I think's really delish,
And that's that super sexy person Michael Fish.
Jimmy: Fish-ah!
Nonny: Fish! ... Who's go....(?)
Jimmy Mulville:
You go down in the deep to have a look around,
You swim, and swim, and poke, poke around,
You don't know what to do or say,
And then you see a very big stingray.
Not very funny but it rhymes!
Stephen Fry:
I saw a man the other day dangling his rod,
Um, and ah, then he started fishing, um, by god.
Ah... and ah, I... I saw what it was that he was landing,
It was a piece of cod that passeth all understanding.
The Fishing Rap
(Episode 2.17) - Bits That Went Wrong
Clive: No, they can't do it. Keep going. Keep that rhythm going.
Josie: Um, err...
Clive: I like fishing, (Josie: Yes!)
For that trout. (Josie: trout... Come on Clivey, help me out!)
Get in the river, get it in your mouth.
Go to Scotland, get some salmon,
Go back home and have some egg and bacon.
Paul Merton: Why don't you come up here and do one?
The Fruit Rap
(Episode R.02)
I like Orson Welles, I like any type of crime,
I like oranges, apples, and Harry Lime,
I like to make myself go toot toot toot,
And then I hit myself with a drop of fruit.
Ow!
Enn Reitel:
I like peaches, I like pears,
I like oranges, and I don't cares,
I eat them plain, I eat 'em with the peel on,
And then I ... throw up all over the place, 'cause I don't really like fruit.
Hugh Laurie:
Well I was walking down the street just the other day,
I was lookin' good, I was feeling okay,
I was feelin' fine, but I could think of anything to rhyme with,
Melon!
Stephen Fry:
I like fruit, I eat it more than I oughta,
Uh, I find fruit makes your mouth water.
Erm ah, but I quite like pears and I quite like opples,
Um, and I like those fruits that they sell, uh...
Oh, that was apples wasn't it, I'm sorry, I got that rhyme completely wrong. There we are.
Uh, I like bananas, uh, I like figs,
Um, I quite like bacon, uh, it comes from pigs.
The Handbags Rap
(Episode 1.12)
You know about America, Amerigo Vespucci,
Was he wearing his leather? Man, he was carrying Gucci!
He was the kind of guy,
That could go on so high,
With his leather bag,
He ain't no drag, fag fag fag.
Tony Slattery:
Get down! (waggles neck)
Huh! I went to a party just down the street,
I walked inside and guess what I did see,
I saw a handbag, and it looked kind of fun,
I was feeling pretty perverted so I stuck it up my bum.
Josie Lawrence:
I fill my pockets and I make them sag,
So I really need to buy a handbag.
I'd have it in maroon, or I'd have it in peuce,
But that kind of colour just ain't no use.
The only colour, fo-or me,
Is bur-b-bur-b-bur burgundy.
Mike McShane:
I got a handbag, I like to fill-er,
When I fill it up, my bag's a thriller.
I take cosmetics, all the time,
And I load it in my bag, all the time.
My bag's real red, but can't you see?
It's more than red, it's burgundy!
Not rose, not that, not all my friend,
And here's where the bag rap's got to end.
John Sessions:
I like my chicks wild, I like my chicks wild,
I like 'em wild like a nuclear reactor,
I like them to carry all kind of stuff in the bag,
Like lipstick, maybe a Max Factor.
Like a rip in across the face, make 'em red and high,
And I like to go out with them and say "Hi!".
Tony Slattery:
I was walking with my bag the other day,
And my friend saw me with it and he said "Hey!",
He said "Hey! Hey! H-hey! Hey hey hey!",
He's really repetitive so I shot him.
Josie Lawrence:
My bag won't make any animals sick,
'Cause it is made out of plastic.
It has a shoulder strap,
You can hear me sing this rap.
I love my burgundy handbag, I lo-o-ove it so,
And if a mugger comes, I won't let my handbag go.
No, I won't let my handbag go.
I won't let my handbag go (fades out).
Mike McShane:
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.
I got the bag, it's got a latch,
When I close it tight, it's tight, cold natch.
They think I'm funny, because I'm so big,
They say "Is that bag made out of a pig?",
I say, "No, friend, it's made out of a cow,
If you make fun of me, my fist will go pow!
Right in your face, knock you on your butt,
Then you'll be on the floor and in a rut.
They'll scoop you up, put you in my bag,
And then you'll be a stone butt drag."
The Hangovers Rap
(Episode 2.07
Oh, oh, oh,
I drank too much last night,
I drank too much, my head is a fright.
I looked in the mirror, my eyes aren't any clearer,
And now I look like a big ugly reindeer.
I got the horse sitting on my head,
My tongue covered in fur, I wish I was dead.
I can't relate, oh, I just can't think,
I know what I need is another drink.
Tony Slattery:
I like hangovers, they're really ace,
I love it when the vomit dribbles down my face.
I take a paracetamol, whoah Lord save us!
I wanna make love with Dicky Davis.
Sandi Toksvig:
I lay on the floor, I felt quite sick,
My head it was incredibly thick.
My mouth tastes like it's full of beans,
I looked up, there was a man in tight jeans.
I said "Hey this song shouldn'ta been sung,
But boy, you're sure well hung!".
Paul Merton:
Last night I had some cake and...
No, no, start again... I just can't do this game at all, even at my damn best!
Last night I had some beer, some cake,
Now I have a great headache,
I am what you call an alcoholic,
And my nature is bucolic.
Josie Lawrence:
Hello... Hello... Hello, Hello, (keeps stopping with a sore head)
Hello everybody my name is Anna,
Last night I got drunk on Tequila Slammers,
I was drunk, I was outta my head,
Can't remember what I did, can't remember what I said.
I came to the party and the next thing I knew,
I was jumping round naked like a kangaroo.
Greg Proops:
Last night I started drinkin', I wasn't really thinkin',
And now I wake up, I'm totally stinkin'!
I'm lying in my bed, I wish I was dead,
'Cause I feel like my brain is bigger than my head.
The Having a Baby Rap
(Episode 1.03)
Clinical, umbilical,
Having babies don't make you cynical,
You go on the floor, you go on the floor,
You go baby, baby, baby, have you on the window sill.
Josie Lawrence:
I met this man, he was called Dennis,
He turned out to be a menace.
He said "Come On!", I said "Maybe...",
Now I found out that I'm having his baby.
Well heave, well heave,
And a push, push, push, don't push it!
Peter Cook:
When the baby comes, you know full well,
That the baby's gonna make your life hell!
But you throw the baby, out of the door,
You say, "I want a little more,
Of what made the baby come in the first place!"
Boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie woogie.
Stephen Fry:
(talking)
Well there's obviously a lot of unpleasantness which has to be gone through before the baby eventually comes out and chirrups,
I mean for a start the mother has to be put into those revolting stirrups.
And you've got to be very careful to make sure the baby doesn't come out in rather unpleasant pieces,
And to stop that happening I recommend amniocentesis.
So a very good thing to have there.
When I was born the umbilical cord was cut with a sabre,
Because it's only politically true of course as well that only the surgeon's knife can really save Labour.
The Newspaper Rap
(Episode R.04)
Griff?: (several shouts of "No")
Clive: ... very very popular game except... except with anybody who has to do it. Um... now can we give a nice topic for...?
Audience member: James Anderton!
Clive: James Anderton... not bad, a bit limiting really. I mean obviously not to James Anderton himself but, ah, more general than that. General Anderton. General Gordon. Something. Any... another suggestion? Sorry?
Audience member: After the bomb drops.
Clive: After the bomb drops. Ahhh... bit too cheery. Any other suggestions?
Audience member: The NHS!
Clive: The NHS. No there's not much of that left is there, so... oho... satire.
Griff: Will somebody shout out what he's asking to hear? Whatever it is?
Clive: We're just waiting for one that we rehearsed.
Griff: We got the subject holidays earlier on, who's got that?
Stephen: No we've done food.
Clive: I think, unfortunately, we have had...
Griff: Clive, we've had about five or six, we could all get going on those, you're just trying to make it difficult for us aren't you?
Clive: ... Yes. Now any other suggestions, a nice general topic?
Audience member: Tabloid newspapers.
Clive: Tabloid newspapers, no more general than that.
(laughs of disbelief)
Clive: You want to do tabloid newspapers?
Griff: It's a fix!
Clive: The newspaper rap. Come on, do the newspaper rap. Starting with the drumbeat as of now. Starting with John and working down that way.
John Sessions:
England's onto democracy, it's into bein' freein',
No comment, No FP'in,
I'm sayin' the best guy thing to read is the Sun,
An' if you don't like tits at least you can have fun.
Clive: Yes. Yes yes.
Griff Rhys Jones:
I was reading my paper the other day,
And what do I see in the headline it say,
That James Anderton is the king of the crop. (applause)
He's a man who never know when to stop.
He thinks he's God, he thinks he's the Lord,
But I don't care because he's... makin' me bored.
Kate Robbins:
I saw, I opened up my page the other day,
I saw Sammy Fox, she had nothing to say.
And she was standing there, she had some bits,
And then I looked at her great big long... hair,
She's blonde, she's so horrible,
I don't like her, nothing rhymes with horrible.
Press that buzzer, whatever you do,
If you don't press it now I'm gonna hit hit you! (buzz)
Stephen Fry:
(American) Well I was goin' on holiday with my baby dachsund,
Um... no, I'm sorry, I just can't do the accent.
Um... I was going on holiday, I was rather annoyed,
Because uh... well I started to think about the great British tabloid.
And I realised on holiday, I was like the editor of a certain one,
Because there I was. Lying in the Sun.
The Royalty Rap
(Episode 2.17) - Bits That Went Wrong
The best of the favourite of my royalty,
I got a thing about a guy named Edward III.
He was the King for a little while,
He had lots of grace, and had lots of style,
Now don't get me wrong or don't shoot me dead,
I think he got pressed to death with .... oh f*** that.
The Sheep Shearing/Sheep Rap
(Episode 1.10)
You gotta ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka button your mutton,
Say you button your mutton, 'til your mutton is hurtin',
And it's like Timothy Hutton.
You got the mutton, baby, you got your sheep on the clean,
And then you can vaguely remember the pastures that are so green.
Enn Reitel:
Baa, baa, black, sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir, I said three bags full.
I said three bags full, get on down, baby.
Baa, baa, black, sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir...
Josie Lawrence:
Come on sheep, pull up to my bumper,
Make me a woolly jumper.
Ooh, ooh, you're so shear,
I like to have my sheep real near.
I go to Australia, and see the men they sweat,
I like to see them dripping, yes it's my favourite bet.
I like to watch sheep shearers, I could watch them all day long,
Because I like sheep best of all, their loins are good and strong.
Stephen Fry:
Mary had a little lamb... No, I can't, I can't do that...
(talking)
Yes, well, I'm terribly fond of shearing sheep. Nothing could be clearer.
I'm a very ... they call me Norma Shearer.
I shear very hard, and then I shear very hard again,
And then I sheared a nice little woolly cardigan.
Erm, but, erm... in fact sheep - rams, lambs and ewes,
Ah, rather make very attractive blouson and other itemries of... clothing.
Erm, sheep have a reputation for being stupid,
And when it comes to being lovers, I don't think anyone could call them Cupid.
Erm, but sheep are friendly, and sheep are clean.
I think you know what I mean.
I don't!
The Stamp Collecting Rap
(Episode 3.17)
Philately, it gives me a kick,
They're stamps, I like them to lick.
They're tasty when I put 'em on the page,
I know it's a hobby but let me act my age.
They're good, and I've got the original,
The best, and one and only original,
The Babe Ruth, that's upside-down,
When he's swinging the bat and he looks like a clown.
Huh. Lick it.
Ryan Stiles:
I like the stamps, I like 'em all, I'd like to see the Pope,
I'd lick that thing and stick it right on that big white envelope.
Any kind of stamp, oh, any kind of stamp, oh, any kind of stamp you've seen,
My favourite is when I get to bear the big lick on the Queen.
Uh huh. (All: Huh!)
Let me hear you know, unh.
George McGrath:
I like the stamps, steam them off a letter,
Soon as I got them then I feel better.
I put them in a book and I give them a look,
And then I find that I need to cook.
And it seems to me that it's always surprising,
The price of my stamps keep on rising. Uhuh.
(Ryan & Mike dance)
Greg Proops:
Cold illin', 'cause I dig philately,
I'm at home gettin' it on with Natalie.
It's okay if the stamps are thin,
'Cause you know when I lick 'em they go right in.
I may be white, but that's alright,
'Cause I been lickin' stamps all through the night.
The Vets Rap
(Episode 2.16)
Lying on the road, guess what I saw,
It was lying there dead, a dead chihuahua.
I took him to the vet, to see what he said,
He said, "Yeah man, you're right. The dog is dead".
Josie Lawrence:
Being a vet is lots of fun,
Sticking your hand up an animal's bum.
Oh yeah, uhhh, uppa uppa uppa.
So bring your doggy to me if he is sore,
If he has a nail stuck in his paw,
I will pull that nail right out,
Make your doggy sing and shout.
Yes I'm feeling quite contrary,
I'm a mental veterinary.
Neil Mullarkey:
Well being a vet has lots of surprises,
And by the way, did I mention my trousers?
Yesterday I had a pregnant cow,
My life was real strange 'cause when I pulled it out it said "Miaow".
Mike McShane:
Oh, the toughest job that a vet's got to do,
I'm a gynacologist at the zoo.
I do the dogs, and I do the cats,
But the elephants, Lord, that's where it's at.
You get him on the table, you get him on the back,
And then you work your hand in, packy wacky whack whack.
I know it's tough, gotta face the facts,
The main thing is just to get them to relax.
SCENE TO RAP
The Avalanche Scene to Rap
(Episode 11.15) - Wayne Brady, Stephen Colbert, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Wayne: Now we're going really fast, don't be a dope,
Because you don't want to crash into the slope.
Oh look at my, oh look at me,
I'm the only black guy here to ski.
Look at me as I go real fast,
Oops, don't slip, might bust your ass.
Oh wait a second, hold on boys,
Oops, big mountain, don't make too much noise! (noise, noise...)
Stephen: Stand back,
For my attack,
I gotta be clear,
I feel fear.
If this avalanche comes, we're gonna be destroyed,
I feel annoyed,
Not overjoyed,
Perhaps I'm just paranoid,
We can avoid,
Peace!
Ryan: Don't stand here, go go go!
You're gonna be hit by a flow of snow!
Come with me, it won't be hard,
Hop on my back, I'm a Saint Bernard.
Wayne & Ryan: Woof, woof, woof woof.
Woof, woof, woof woof.
Woof, woof, woof woof.
Woof, woof, woof woof.
Colin: Hi there guys, hi there dog.
I saw the avalanche come down the pass,
That's why I brought this magnifying glass.
We'll use the sun and the heat rays,
To make everything way way way way way way way way safer.
Stephen: Safer.
Wayne: Safer.
That's safer, safer, safer.
Wayne & Stephen: That's safer.
That's safer.
That's safer.
Wayne: All right, now.
The Black Hole Scene to Rap
(Episode 12.27) - Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Wayne: (twirling knobs) Boop boop, boop boop, boop boop...
Greg: Dude we are in space, so get out of my face,
Every-bitty stars all over the place,
I'm real scared, I'm gettin' kind of freaky,
I think the ship is gettin' kinda leaky.
I don't know what's out there, it can't be matter,
I'm gonna freak out and then go splatter. Wayne: Wait wait a second, wait, have fun,
It's only a black hole, I've got one.
You've gotta realise, when I say this,
Because it's something that you can't miss,
Yeah, yeah, I like to rip,
As I get funky in my ship,
Oh my goodness, what is that?
It looks like our ship might go splat.
(pressing buttons) Bikkibop the ship dabittibittibopbop, (Greg: Boopiboopibuppoobuppoobuppoo)
Dabup dibabop bibibibi ship ship, (Greg: boop boopuboop boopiboopiboopiboopuboopu)
Dabuttibittibikabikibikibikiship, (Greg: boop boopboopboop boopboopboop boopyboopyboopu)
Ohmymygodgodlookkkathim. (Greg: Boop boopboopboop)
(Ryan enters)
Ryan: Hey, I'm the doctor that you picked,
I gotta admit I'm feelin' mighty sick,
I've met not every doctor I'm not the best,
Oh my god, there's something in my chest!
(alien splats out and he collapses)
Wayne: Oh! Boopiboopboopboop (opens door)
Oh my God, oh my God,
Don't you see what's coming out of his bod?
Oh I'm freakin' out, better hit me, (Colin enters as the alien from Ryan's chest)
Just like Aliens, he's like Ripley! (Greg: Ripley!)
(Greg slaps Wayne and he collapses)
Colin: I'm an-an alien from the black hole,
I've come here to collect your soul,
I'm going to take you back there,
And then I'm just going to dance.
(Colin dances)
Wayne & Greg: Go daddy, go daddy!
Go daddy! Go daddy!
Go daddy! Go daddy!
Go daddy! Go daddy!
The Brain Surgery Scene to Rap
(Episode 12.15) - Denny Siegel, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
So I had to take a different course.
I went behind your back, you see,
And I gave you a lobotomy. (Wayne: Huh?)
When you were younger, you used to be hotter,
So they went and took out your medulla oblongata.
Now you're more insane,
Baby you ain't got no brain.
Wayne: Buh, uh, duh, duh,
Duh, duh, (record scratch), duh,
Duh (scratch), duh (scratch),
Duh diggit duh geh... I like birds.
Denny: Yeah now, I know you can't think to make romance,
But one thing's sure, you still can dance.
(Wayne dances)
Ryan: (enters)
Denny: Yeah yeah yeah baby.
Ryan: Now I know this may sound very insane,
But I'm the Doctor, took out your brain.
I guess that's bad, it's your kinda luck,
I sell it back to you for fifty bucks.
Wayne: Here.
Ryan: That's a hundred. Oops, never mind.
Wayne: (takes the brain, unscrews his head and puts it in)
Now wait a second, now let me start,
Brother gave me back the brain, so I'm too damn smart.
You're trying to get to me, now what's my course?
I'm gonna kick you out and I'm gonna get that divorce.
That's right, that's right, try to take all my money,
Ding dong, the bell, in the door comes my honey, (Colin enters)
That is right, I cut you with a knife,
Here is my girl, my brand new wife. (dances with Colin)
The Cafe Scene to Rap
(Episode 10.09) - Brad Sherwood, Debra Wilson, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Can I brew you up some coffee and cream?
Maybe you would like a blueberry muffin,
I see you're broad, you really been stuffing.
Debra: Well, let me tell you baby, let me tell you good,
You are looking good baby, like you should.
I like my coffee and I like it black,
Come on baby, get back, step back!
Brad: (makes coffee machine noises)
Ryan: Hey I'd like a sandwich, maybe some ham,
It's a boring meat but I am what I am.
Put it on some bread, no wait a minute hey... bet,
Put it on something like a baguette.
Brad: A baguette is what I'll cook for you,
Oh that'll be fine, that will be true,
You said what you want and I haven't seen yet,
So here you go baby, here's your baguette.
Ryan: I lied.
Don't want this.
I know it sounds funny, but I want your money.
Put it in a bag, (to Debra) shut up hag!
Colin: Hey there buddy, you know me,
I'm the health inspector...
Brad: ... I see!
Colin: I just thought I'd come around for some fun,
Hey who's the dufus with the gun?
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
If you start doing that I'll be getting the boot!
Brad: He's trying to rob this store,
(to Debra) Why don't you do something you nasty girl?
Debra: Okay, see I know what you were thinkin', and that wasn't nice,
(to Ryan) You know maybe you better put him on ice.
Ryan: Well I know what this is, it's kind of a slang,
But what the hell, bang bang bang bang!
Brad: (collapses)
The Earthquake Scene to Rap
(Episode 11.10) - Denny Siegel, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie
Listen to me, baby,
Now I know with you my love is complete,
You make the earth move under my feet.
You're a big handsome man and you're a cop,
But baby the earth is moving and it just won't stop.
Now I don't know what is going on,
Wake the daughter, wake the son,
Something bad is coming 'round,
Look there's a big old crack in the ground!
Whoah!
Wayne: Say what? There's a crack, oh, there's a crack!
Denny: Crack. There's a crack. Not the usual kind of crack.
Wayne: Now wait a second girl, I hear what you say,
Better grab the kids, get under the doorway,
You better get it, get there fast,
Or else a big rock will fall on your ass.
Better move, move, move and shake,
Because you better 'cause the ground will break,
Oh that is right, and that is that,
Did you know earthquakes can be predicted by cats?
(to Ryan) Who are you, ooh ooh, what do you do?
Ryan: I know you're running, there's a lot at stake,
Because the ground just started to shake.
I'm okay, I'm not sunk,
I ain't moving 'cause I'm drunk.
Wayne: He's drunk.
Denny: Yo, get under the door jamb.
Colin: Stand back everyone, only one chance,
I am the Lord of the Riverdance.
I'll do something to stop the vibrations,
By doing the dance of the Celtic Nations.
(all Riverdance)
The Escalator in a Mall Scene to Rap
(Episode 10.01) - Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Welcome to the escalator here in the mall.
It's time to shop, and let's go racy,
Let's go buy things from this place called Macy's! (goes down)
Brad: Chill, say don't be a clown! (Wayne: What?)
Why the hell you goin' all the way down? (Wayne: What?)
Because we just came right on up,
And we're gonna go to Starbucks to get a cup,
Of coffee. (To do my biz?),
(A bowl of?). And I said "Gee, whiz".
Where you goin', man?
You slowin', damn,
What's the plan?
Wayne: Now you gotta understand,
I move the way that I wanna move.
I got my own groove,
And if you don't back off you gonna lose.
I hit you with my fist, you might get pissed,
But I'll aim for your head and I won't miss.
It's my escalator and I move like I want,
And it's my butt, so watch it while I flaunt.
Brad: You can flaunt, go on the path,
With all the moving stairs.
Ryan: Hey I'm a repairman and I'm here to say,
You look like you're having fun today!
You look like you're screaming, you look like you're groovin',
I guess you haven't noticed the damn thing ain't movin'! (Wayne & Brad: What!)
Yeah yeah it's broke. (Wayne: Yeah!)
It ain't movin' it's broke!
Wayne: (record scratching noises)
It's, it's, wicky wicky broke,
Wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky broke.
Wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky broke.
Colin: Hey, what's goin' on, why's it so slow?
Tell me now you big mofo.
Why's this happenin'? Why's this slowin'?
Come on baby, let's get goin'!
Wayne: Gotta move, but I can't,
My friend's here, he might want to rant,
Gotta get it workin', so we can move,
Because we've got shoppin' time we might lose.
Ryan: I'm gonna take a break, and have a little toke,
'Cause this escalator is damn well broke!
Roll out a toke(?), I'll see you 'little later,
You might wanna take the elevator!
'Cause it's broke.
All: It's broke, it's broke, it's broke, it's broke (Wayne: It's what?)
It's broke.
Wayne: It's biggita biggita biggita biggita broke.
The Exorcist Scene to Rap
(Episode 12.33) - Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Ryan: We'll get jiggy. You watch.
Chip: I'm watchin'. Can't wait to hear it, let's go, Laura & Lynda.
Wayne: (holding baby, it throws up)
Ah ah ah, ah ah ah. Blob. Oooh!
Chip: Aw!
Wayne: (baby starts floating)
Chip: Yeah...
Now wait a second, let me give you the scoop,
My baby's flyin', and she's spitting up pea soup.
Now tell me, what can I do?
You're the priest, so I come to you.
Chip: Look here, I'm gonna tell you what ya do,
What's that stuff that that baby just spewed,
Oh no no, I think that you're dead,
'Cause your little baby got sixes on her forehead.
Oh yeah, oh yeah,
Oh yeah, damn boy!
Ryan: I'm here to say, here to tell,
I have come right straight from hell,
I want your soul, gimme gimme,
Why you do this to me Dimmy?
(moves to attack them)
Got Dimmy, (Wayne: Dimmy?)
I'm your mama say Dimmy, (Chip: Oh man!) (Wayne: Your mama?)
Ryan: Yeah yeah. Dimmy.
Wayne: Your mama?
Chip: Hey don't you worry, 'cause that's no other,
That's my lady, that's... she's my mother.
Ryan: Hup. Hep. Hey.
Wayne: It's a false reality that I think you're creatin',
That ain't no woman, got two horns, you're Satan.
Ryan: (spins head around)
Wayne:Ah ha, that's right, tell you in the tub,
He's Satan, Beelzebub.
Chip: I think you're right.
Colin: (enters)
Wayne: Hey!
Chip: Hey! Ho! Hey!
Colin: Back back devil, you must desist,
I'm Richard Simmons, the exorcisist. (exercises)
And one, two, three, four,
Colin & Wayne: And one, two, three, four, (Ryan: Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!)
Colin: And twirl. (Chip: Work that baby!) (Ryan: Argh!)
Colin: Twirl. (Chip: Work that baby!) (Ryan: Argh!)
Colin: Twirl. (Chip: Make sure you don't...) (Ryan: Argh!)
Colin: Twirl. (Chip: ...hurt that baby!) (Ryan: Argh!)
Wayne: Get it up! (Chip: Get it up! Yeah.)
Get it up the holy water.
Wayne: Get it up! (Chip: Get it up!)
Gotta get the holy water. (Chip: Get it on, walla water)
Wayne: Get it up! (Chip: Get it up!)
Wayne: Gotta get the holy water. (Chip: Get the holy water)
Wayne: Get it up! (Chip: Get it up! Oh yeah.)
Wayne: Gotta... whoo!
Ryan: That possession gave me quite a scare,
Hey look at me, I'm Linda Blair.
Chip: Oh-oh. Oh.
Wayne: Oh-oh.
Wayne & Chip: Oh-oh.
Wayne: And here's an idea that I can't reject,
This was scarier than the Blair Project. Oh yeah.
Chip: Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Ryan: Way scarier!
Chip: We know it, uh huh.
Colin: Hey!
Chip: One more thing that I think this should happen,
To stop this poor baby, let's all talk in Latin.
(they all talk Latin)
The Hospital Scene to Rap
(Episode 11.03) - Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Wayne: Well, there we go, that's that,
We better call the nurse right up here, stat!
Because this guy, he might lose his life brace,
Because you see he is a terminal case.
We need the doc, and we need a nurse,
Hurry to it stat, man, I can't rehearse!
We gotta save his life, he has kids and wife,
And if we're not careful he'll go under the knife.
Greg: Oh, okay, so he's gonna die,
But I gotta ask myself, why?
I don't know why I'm here, I'm a neurologist,
I'm with you, and you're a proctologist.
I'll get the nurse, and it's okay,
I'm gonna get the nurse, hey hey hey hey. (Wayne: Hey hey hey!)
Ryan: Well I'm a doctor, on the go,
And oddly enough, my name's Doctor No.
If I could rap, it would be a sensation,
But I can't, you see, I'm just a caucasian.
Say huh. (Wayne: Say huh, say huh, say huh.)
It's all I can do, say hey. (Wayne: Say hey, say hey, say hey.)
Can't rap.
Wayne: Well, we need some help, pronto!
Or else this man's life will soon go. (Greg: Whoah!)
Can't you do anything, won't you please?
Because I'm begging you, basely, please?
Ryan: Well I know he's a man, so he don't need a pap,
But I'll take these two things and zap zap zap!
Colin: Hey there, buddies, look at him!
He's dead, he's dead, and his name is Jim.
What once was is no longer were,
He's comin' with me, I'm the grim reaper.
(dances)
The Hotel Scene to Rap
(Episode 10.08) - Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Brad: Well I'm so sorry for the hesitation,
Did you ring my bell for a reservation?
I see you got two bags and you're moving in,
What's going on Mr Gungadin?
Wayne: You see, you see, I'm running from my doom,
I came to your hotel so I can get a room.
I'm escapin' a CIA job,
Because you see it's secret and I'm runnin' from the mob!
Brad: I see you're sorry, it's awfully hard,
But I can't let you in without a credit card.
So let me see your credit, let me see it fast,
Or you're gonna be out on your ass.
Wayne: Credit? Credit? Credit?
Oh I've been everywhere from London to Pisa,
But you see I've never ever had to use my Visa!
Can you just let me in if I pay cash?
I've got lots of coke, it's a private stash!
Ryan: Well I'm an old guy and I'm staying here,
And I just came down to get some beer.
I guess I'm done, now that I've shopped,
Oh my god my heart just stopped! (collapses)
Brad: Well I don't know CPR,
I hope this guy is gonna go real far.
Too bad, the poor old guy,
I don't know what to do so he's gonna die!
Wayne: Well I... what you can do is you buy my privilege,
I can grab the body and I'll stick it in the fridge,
Because you see I never learnt CPR,
But I've got free passes to a big gay bar.
Colin: Hey! I overheard what you said and it makes me sick,
Look at me, I'm the hotel dick!
What the hell's goin' on right here,
There's the body, ooh what fear!
Can you tell me what you're doin' now,
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bow!
Brad: Wait a minute, where ya bin'?
You might think it is a sin,
True you are the hotel dick,
But zip up your pants, that's really sick!
The Summer Camp Scene to Rap
(Episode 11.02) - Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Gonna get me a paddle and maybe a canoe.
Gonna have the day away,
But make sure I get some mosquito spray.
I don't wanna get a sunburn,
I got something that I gotta learn,
So give me some of that SPF,
And put it on me right here, my friend Jeff.
Wayne: Listen to me, listen to me, yes o man,
Because this job is really glam,
To see me here at the summer camp,
You know you could swim and jump off the boat ramp.
The great thing 'bout this job you see,
Is that you've got this job with me.
We'll have the job today, and we'll have it manana,
Here come the kids to bust the pinata.
Ryan: Well I'm the new counsellor here to help you,
But I'm a little shy, gotta tell me what to do.
Look a little weird, please don't ask,
Got a big old knife and a hockey mask.
Say whoop!
Brad: It's Jason! (Wayne: What?)
It's Jason! (Wayne: What?)
We'll be chasin'!
It's Jason! (Wayne: Uh uh!)
He's erasin'! (Wayne: Ow ow ow!)
There'll be big old wounds we'll be facin'!
Run! (Wayne: Oh no!)
Run! (Wayne: Oh no!)
Someone get a gun!
Colin: Stand right there, don't have a care,
I will save you, I'm Smokey the Bear.
Put out that campfire, put it out now,
Before I hit you with a big brown cow.
I know that don't make much sense,
But I don't care... yeah?
Wayne: Listen to me, listen to me, my heart's racin',
Two camp counsellors, there is Jason.
I've got kids and I've got a wife,
He's got a hockey mask and he's got a knife.
Brad: I've put out the fire, I did it already, (Wayne: What?)
Do somethin' 'bout the guy with the machete!
All: (dance)
The Towering Inferno Scene to Rap
(Episode 12.26) - Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
And this, I'm not kidding, it's no joke,
We'd better get outta here, (Wayne: Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!)
'Cause I smell smoke and I do fear,
That we are gonna die in a fire,
Come on baby, don't leave me, I ain't no liar.
Wayne: Listen to me, listen to me, I got told,
If there's somethin', stop, drop, roll,
That is what I learned in school,
Fire won't burn me, I'm no fool.
Brad: I got somethin', scarier and more,
O.J. Simpson's on the 32nd floor.
Both: Whoooo!
Ryan: (enters)
Come on you dummies, you gotta run,
Pretty soon you'll be burnt and you'll be done,
Don't have to stand here, don't have to die,
This building's only three stories high.
Brad: You're the first guy that I've seen,
Hey, Fred Astaire or Steve McQueen?
Ryan: We look alike.
Wayne: You gotta help,
You gotta help me get on down.
Colin: (enters)
Come on everybody, don't just stand there,
You're gonna lose, your wits,
Don't stand there, run away,
Or we're all gonna end up like bacon bits.
Come on, come on, come on, come on go go,
Don't get wiggy, don't be slow,
Come with me, let's get jiggy. (dances)
Brad: I'm getting kinda scared, it's one of those nights,
I have a thing, I'm afraid of heeeeeights! (falls off)
Wayne: (trying to grab him) Argh! Uhhhhh!
Ryan: Hey! I wanna hear yes, don't wanna hear no's,
Get on down, just grab my hose!
Climb, get down, get down, get down that old building,
Down, get down,
Wayne: Get down?
(finds Brad) I'm so mad!
Drew: I'm going to take... I'm going to take five million points, five million points,
I'm going to send them to Canada to teach people how to rap. Kind of a reaching across the border
type of thing...
Colin: I'm jiggy with it!
Drew: Yeah, yeah you are.
The Tsunami Scene to Rap
(Episode 11.16) - Denny Siegel, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
But something funky is going on,
Something's happening with the tide,
And I don't think there's any way to go and hide.
Well, there's something happening that you don't get,
But if we hang out here we're going to get real wet.
Wayne: Say what?
On the horizon, call for mommy,
Winds are blowing, here comes a tsunami.
Oh, that's right, your life you save,
Because tsunami means really big wave.
Coming over here, my life to keep,
Because we might drown, and the water is deep.
So who can help us? Who can do it?
Because I don't know, we've got to move it.
Denny: This is just the worst news yet,
Man the only thing I can surf is the net!
Whoah!
Ryan: Heard on the radio, heard him say,
That there's a tsunami heading this way.
Don't run away, nowhere to go,
Stick with me, my name's Jacques Cousteau.
And swim. Swim swim. Swim swim.
Colin: (dances)
Hey there guys, I see the wave,
I even had time to shave.
I know it's dangerous, it's quite debatable,
Come with me, my pants are inflatable.
Hop on up, we'll ride the wave,
I'm not, all of you I will save.
(all grab on, inflate pants)
The Zoo Scene to Rap
(Episode 10.05) - Brad Sherwood, Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
There's just a couple things that you got to do.
You got to read this manual, all the pages,
'Cause then you gonna have to clean out the cages.
Start with the elephants, they are first,
They got the (dubob?), it really is the worst.
You gonna need a big ol' shovel and a broom,
And you will scoop it away in the gloom.
Greg: Yo. Yo yo yo yo.
I didn't come here to clean up,
I came here to see monkeys and little pups,
I wanna get down with the gorillas and the cats,
'Cause that's where I am fully at.
I may be white, and that's all right,
But I ain't gonna clean no zoo tonight.
Brad: All right, fine, I do see,
You don't wanna be cleanin' no menagerie.
Well come with me, we'll see the penguin cage,
They're so fun because they act their age.
Oh look who's comin', who do I see,
The guy who used to work here, I see!
Ryan: Hey baby.
Well I'm a nudist, I'm walkin' round the zoo,
I find that's what the animals want me to do.
Walkin' round like this, it takes some guts,
I'm going to go to the monkeys and give 'em some nuts.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.
Brad: Well I see that you're gonna give 'em a treat,
It's too bad you couldn't give 'em more to eat.
Colin: I'm the security guard right here,
What's this guy, he... weird?
Standing there, showing all his parts,
'Cmon there, buddy, whoo, what a fart.
I tell you this is really bad,
The state of the zoo is really sad,
We can't have naked people running 'round like this,
'Scuse me, please, I gotta take a piss.