JEFF: Let's go and add up the votes...
(he disappears into the bushes. He then reappears, walks across the clearing, and disappears into the bushes on the side where the votes actually are... eventually he returns)
JEFF: Okay, I found this computer over there which leads me to suspect that this island might be soon to be taken over by "The Mole". So I've programmed in the votes.
(he presses a few buttons and the screen goes blank)
(he reboots the computer and brings up a text-entry box)
JEFF: We'll start with Colin.
(he types in 'Colin' and presses a key. The screen turns green with a fingerprint logo).
(types in 'Tony' and the screen goes green)
(types it in... green)
JEFF: Wayne... (please!)
(types it in... sloooowwly....... green.)
(he types it in. Everyone is tense... he presses enter... RED!)
JEFF: I'm afraid we have to go.
JOSIE: I'll catch up with you later guys. Especially you, Tony...
(WAYNE and COLIN run up the beach)
WAYNE: We've got some fish.
BRAD: Did you guys see the Brits while you were out there?
COLIN: Nope, only fish...
GREG: They're probably having a cup of tea or something...
COLIN: Actually, they said they were going to do some washing.
BRAD: Oh no.
BRAD: Don't you remember?...
(GREG rushes in)
GREG: Break it up, guys! Enough already...
(JEFF runs out of the forest and swaps pieces of paper with Wayne)
"You may wonder why you're getting this at twenty-four to eight,
This letter's come quite early, the opposite of late,
But you'll need your sleep tonight, you've got a lot to lose,
And you need to get up early to present the 6 AM news."
WAYNE: Look out Tigger, he's behind you... no, don't...
GREG: Wayne, Colin, wake up!
COLIN: Aw mom, just a few more minutes...
GREG: Guys! Get up! Time for the challenge!
COLIN: (sleepily) Is everyone ready?
GREG: I've woken everyone except Tony and Stephen.
BRAD: What? Better get them up too...
GREG: But if they're not at the challenge, they can't win immunity!
BRAD: Hmm. Tempting...
COLIN: No way. Get them up.
COLIN: UP! Or I do the dinosaur.
(the contestants arrive. JEFF enters dressed in gown and nightcap)
JEFF: I'm going back to bed as soon as this is done. But first... Brad, you're hosting a news show. Colin, you're the co-anchor, and you were bullied by the host back in your school days. Wayne, you can do Sports, and you keep dying and getting reincarnated. Tony, you're on Finance, and you speak only in double-entendres. Stephen, you can present the political news, and you are a desperate scientist trying to publicise his latest inventions. Greg, you present weather, and you're also a teacher. Off you go.
BRAD: Good evening and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm Largeand Incharge. Tonight's top story,
fourteen hundred monkeys escape from the city zoo. People ask the question, how did they fit that many
in there in the first place. And now over to my coanchor, Harvey Wallbanger. Harvey?
COLIN: Well, thankyou very much. And scientists have revealed today conclusive findings that revenge is sweet.
COLIN: Oh no. You're not taking the limelight now. I'll get you someday... soon.
BRAD: Okay... well, now over to Sports, and here's Charlie Horse.
WAYNE: Well, today the Mets hit the ball really... (chokes)
BRAD: Can we get some help here...?
WAYNE: And they ended up defeating the Yankees, four to thwoing! (shot by arrow, falls, rises again) two... meanwhile in the (shot in chest; falls; rises) basketball the Timberwolves went down to the Hornets, 83-90. Back to... (knocked off screen by a car)
BRAD: Medic? Ah... and now to Finance, here's Giles Miles.
TONY: The dollar went up today. Right up until it peaked. Meanwhile, the Treasurer was hospitalised today when he was hit near the bollards in the park. Apparently a very painful place to be hit. This all came shortly after his annual budget, in which he described the situation as limp, but if everybody pulled together then we might see an uprising with some outstanding results. Allow me to elucidate...
BRAD: You do, and you can clean it up. To comment further on the political situation, here's Lance Boyle. Lance?
STEVE: Thankyou Large. Bill Clinton today spoke at a Presidential Press Conference in which he highly recommended the patented new leg replacement technology, only $5.99 from a drugstore near you. Meanwhile, the senate today passed a motion legalising this wonderful new combined cocktail mixer and pie warmer. Make sure you're not left behind the crowd. And don't forget, when you're sick of watching politics, try my new GameShow-o-Matic, become a game show host and present professional looking new reality TV concepts in only 5 minutes!
BRAD: Thanks Lance.
COLIN: Remember October 12th 1963? Let me refresh your memory... (runs behind Brad and pulls his pants down). NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT!
BRAD: (trying to cover himself) Er... over to weather. Here's Gordon Bombay.
GREG: Thankyou. Settle down, please. Now, tomorrow it will be sunny. Can you spell that? S-U... are you chewing? Yes, you! (Wanders over to Jeff) Spit it out! I SAID SPIT IT OUT! NOW! Naughty boy... detention after school. Now it will be rainy for the rest of the week, but that's no excuse. I still want those assignments on Friday.
BRAD: Thanks Gordon. And now back to...
COLIN: I hate you. I HATE YOU! THAT'S IT...! (tries to strangle Brad)
TONY: Don't cut off his pipe!
WAYNE: (runs over to help but has a heart attack on the way)
GREG: Stop it you two! At once!
STEPHEN: You should be using the new Handy-Hands, available from me for just $16.95!
BRAD: We'll be back... tomorrow night... same time... medic!
JEFF: I think we better stop it there... that was a little disturbing, Colin! However, I am
awarding immunity to ... Tony. I don't know how you got it, but that quirk just seemed to suit you somehow...
TONY: It really banged my sav...
JEFF: Well, see you all again tonight. (yawns) Now... I'm off back to my hotel room.
(the tribe members enter, sword fighting with their lit twiglets)
JEFF: Welcome tribe members. Six people left on the island; only a couple more episodes to go. One of you will walk away from this island with the prize. But after tonight, one of you will also walk away without it.
(an arrow goes flying across the clearing and embeds itself in a tree. Greg goes over to investigate)
GREG: It says... "Surrender Dorothy".
BRAD: I don't know what that means, but I think we'd better vote anyway.
JEFF: So, will the next person off the island be Brad, Wayne, Greg, Colin or Stephen?