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Transcripts
Song Styles & Duet (US)
Adelaide Kane (Reign)
(Episode 21.02)
Wayne: Adelaide, is there something that your fans don't know about you?
Adelaide: I don't know if they don't know about it, but I love comic books, and I dressed up as Wonder Girl at Comic-Con when I was 19...
Wayne: Me too!... I mean, that's awesome.
Adelaide: High five! Spandex for the win!
Wayne: High five! Come on! Hit it!
Jeff: Yeah, work it girl!
Wayne: La la la la la laaaa la la! Escuchame!
My love for you, you are so so sweet.
A girl who can read comic books and dress up, cannot be beat.
Jeff: I know this sounds a little crazy, it might seem a bit absurd,
But there's nothing hotter in the universe than a super-sexy Both: nerd!
Wayne: Ohohoh, oh comic books, you oh make me feel,
Because you've got such a nerdy fanboy appeal.
Jeff: And when you go down to Comic-Con and the men all see you dance, (Wayne: Ahah)
All of those comic book nerds must pee their pants.
Wayne: Whoah, yes silver pretty nerd, oh I'm a fan,
I admit singing this song I feel like a dirty old man.
Jeff: How old are you anyway?
Adelaide: Don't you know actresses cannot say.
Jeff: Then I guess it's okaaaay. (Wayne: heeeeyyy!)
Wayne: Thank you very much Adelaide, and you dance! She dances!
Jeff: Adelaide! Nice to meet you!
Aisha: Adelaide Kane! Give it up for Adelaide Kane!... She was so beautiful, and she could dance, and what, she gets 1000 points for being an American actress playing a Brit since it's usually them stealing all our jobs, so that's really nice.
Wayne: Isn't she Australian?
Aisha: Well then she's an Aussie playing an American stealing a job...
Wayne: Which means you're a foreigner cos you don't know what we sound like!
Jeff: Her name is Adelaide, that's, that's pretty Australian.
Aisha: We have Americans named Laquansha, where are they from?
Jeff: Adelaide's a city in Australia.
Aisha: Adelaide's a name, and then the city was named after the name which was named after a person.
Jeff: You know, Drew never got angry like this.
Colin & Ryan: (thinking back) He did...
Jeff: He did?!
Alicia the Student of Music
(Episode 11.02)
Wayne: Do do do do!
Brad: Shabada ba da da ba boo.
Wayne: Now check this man, listen to me,
You and I can make some groovy harmony.
Because I like that way your notes they sail,
I'd like to run all up and down your scale.
Eeeeooohh!
Brad: Alicia, good to meet ya, don't you fret. (Wayne: Swing cat, swing!)
'Cause when I change your key, you and I will sing a duet.
Babada bay bay bay. (Wayne: Gee gee gee!)
You and me together, in super harmony,
Cause I don't care whether you want to sing in the key C or key G, baby.
Wayne: Oh Alicia, you see, I dig you. (Brad: Babada bay bay day)
I want to go skadiddly bap dibobbladit dobododadit dododadit (Brad: Doo doo doo!) on you!
Oooh, there's no-one, no-one else compares (Brad: Do dat!)
Because I dig your voice (Brad: Doo ba dit dit) and I dig your hair! (Brad: Doo be doo doo doo doo!) Sing it again!
I dig your voice and I...
Both: Dig your hair!
Wayne: (?)
Amy & Christina the Cross-Country Runners
(Episode 12.27)
Freeze!
I don't know exactly what you're doin' to me,
But it's fun.
Isn't it Tommy?
(as Tommy on left, dances) Yeah!
(back to right) Baby baby, (moves to middle)
Ooh, you make me want to run.
Oh, all of my love it keeps hauntin' me,
You make me want to run cross-country.
So don't you see, and we can have fun,
And you and you, matched, in the same exact one.
Ohhh, you make me want to jog. Isn't that right?
(left) I'm the sensitive one! (kneels down, emotional)
(middle, rapping, lower voice) That's right girl just you and me,
Because you see we do this easily,
And I don't care just what you think,
It's me and you and you and you're dressed in pink,
That is right, and let the fun begin,
Both of y'all like the Doublemint twins,
Don't you understand, and this is this,
Because you're running I just don't miss.
(middle, normal voice) Girl!
(right, low voice) Girl!
(middle, kneels, high voice) Girl!
(left, normal voice) Girl!
(middle, normal voice) Girl!
(middle, kneels, normal voice) Girl!
(right, normal) I'm the shy one!
(middle, normal) Girl!
(middle, kneels, normal) Girl!
(left, normal) Girl!
(middle, normal) Both of you, you make my mind twirl.
That's right. Yeah you do, girl.
Bill Nye (The Science Guy)
(Episode 21.17)
Wayne: Is there a dance that you've ever wanted to name? So you can name your own dance, so we're gonna teach everybody to do your dance.
Bill: Ah, the Click.
Wayne: The Click!
Bill: Yes.
Wayne: Well we're gonna find out how to do the Click. Ladies!
Wayne: All right cats and daddy-os,
Are you ready? Well...
Here's a little something, here's the trick,
Bill: (dancing) Click, click. Click, click.
Wayne: He knows science, take your pick.
Both: Click, click. Click, click.
Wayne: Oh how can it be, he can teach you,
All about velocity,
But when he dances, his joints go,
Bill: Click, click, click.
Wayne: He goes click, click, click, click,
He goes click, click, click, click,
He goes click, click, click, click,
I say,
Oh, he can teach you all about temperature,
Oh god please let his joints endure,
But oh no, he can do that Click.
Bill: Click, click. Click, click.
Wayne: Now Bill,
Tell 'em all about the day,
When you realised your chance,
That you put that lab coat away,
And little baby just wanted to dance!
Turn around, do the split,
You try to come back up that's the trick,
And all you want to do is hear him go click.
Both: Click. Click, click.
Here I go, that's a sensation,
Bill it's time for a solo demonstration,
Ladies, come on and take your pick.
Aisha, come here baby.
Oh get low.
Hey baby get low. (Aisha joins the dance)
Now teacher get low.
Teach him how that Click should go. (Bill: You'll fit right in!)
Come on Bill, have a ball,
It's not your fault she's just too damn tall.
Come on now, baby do that Click, hey,
Baby do that Click, oh,
You got to do that Click.
Blender
(Episode 12.15)
(all dance, the others following Wayne)
Wayne: Oh baby,
Why don't you listen to me? Hey. (Denny: Ooooh!)
Oh, I'm gettin' kinda big, I need something to fix my booty. Weehee.
So I grab myself a blender and I make a nice fruit smoothie. (Ryan: Fruit smoothie.)
Everybody!
Oh let's blend, blend (Denny: Blend!)
Blend, blend. (Ryan: Blend!)
Oh, blend. (Ryan & Denny: Blend!)
(backup singers now having great trouble keeping up with the dancing)
Heeeey!
Now sometimes I get tight, want to be a little looser,
I had myself an oven and I had myself a juicer. But nothing in this world, is as good as my blender.
I'm so happy, for the rest of my life I want this blender.
Hey! I love my blender!
Ho ho, I love my blend...
Come on Temptations, let's dance!
Whooohooo! I love my blender.
Yeah yeah. Blender!
Oh Lord knows that I won't contradict,
I love my blender cause it frapp�s and can even mix. I love my blender. Y'all sing!
Blender. Colin & Ryan: Blender.
Wayne: I love my blender.
Hheeeeeeeyyyyyy!
Drew: There's a little dance tip for ya, white people. Next time you're out dancing, find the black guy, just try to copy what he's doing.
Bob the Pastor
(Episode 12.32)
(does Bond opening actions - turns holding gun, runs slo-mo around Bob, imitates shapes moving around)
He's the man who talks to God every day,
He does it in his pastorial way,
He's the man.
Call him the Paaastor.
He has a Bible, he carries it around like a gun.
Back evil spirits, set on stun.
'Cause he's the Paaastor,
And God is his master.
He is the one from who he gets his orders.
He's the king, he knows no spiritual or mental borders.
He doesn't have a collar 'cause he's not a reverend.
He doesn't wear a hat he's not the Pope.
But because he's a very good pastor,
To get to heaven, is what he hoooopes.
That's what he hoooopes. (sits on Bob's knee)
That's what he hoooooooooooopes!
Candice Accola (The Vampire Diaries)
(Episode 19.03)
Do you feel it? Do you feel it Candice? (Candice: Yes I feel it, papi!)
Bailaaaarrrrr!
Because amiga, you see I got you,
On The cW you on Nosferatu,
Be caillou on the caina mi daga I like(?),
Oh yeah mami's chocolate what you wanna bite? Get down!
(both dancing)
Excucha me mami,
You're the kind of amiga that I've been looking for,
I come and then I find you, behind your crepe door,
And then you see I know, you know I am your kind,
Why don't you turn around so I can stake you from behind?
Oh, my sexy vampire,
My vampire,
My sexy vampire,
My sexy vampire,
My sexy vampire, creature of the night,
Oh I want you, I want you alright,
Because I love my vampire.
Because I love my - oh, en pointe! - vampire,
Because I want to let you know,
I'm normally not within your target demo,
But oh, but oh, my vampire!
Chanel the Polynesian Dancer
(Episode 12.28)
(dances)
Welcome to the islands of the Polynesian,
I like it when you move side to side.
(music speeds up a little)
I love the way that you wear your puka shells,
And you just, you just can't hide.
(speeds up)
When you're wearing all these things, and you move and you sway,
If you're from Hawaii, I bet you'd give me a lei.
Oh listen to me please, oh I knew you so well,
I love the way you do Tahitian, yes she is Chanel.
(speeds up)
Oh girl I like the way that you dance, when you like to shake it,
But girl would you tell me one thing so I know that you would not break it,
And when you're from Hawaii, soon as they thank you, say mahalo,
And this is just one please stand up and dance and I will follow.
(speeds up quite fast and they dance)
Oh shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it, Shake it shake it shake it shake Chanel shake Chanel shake Chanel,
Oh Chanel, oh Chanel.
(singing very fast)
Please please Chanel sit down I love you so much and every time you dance,
Because I would know I'd give you my heart I'd give you much romance,
I'll be young I'll sail and we'd walk like this then we'd walk on the beach,
And every time I'd want to dance with you give me time to reach,
My head is going to ex... (faints to floor)
Charlie the Maintenance Man
(Episode 12.29)
Sometimes I'm sittin' here lookin' and there's a broom,
Why don't you come and do maintenance inside of my bedroom,
Here is something that you don't understand,
Ain't no job I find sexier than a big strong maintenance man. You've got to,
Clean it up.
Clean it up. Why don't you,
Paint the walls,
Wax on and wax off,
Hey yeah,
Clean it up.
Clean it up.
Clean it up.
Oh you know you've got to clean it up.
Your breath smells good, you must use the forest,
Damn look at him, he look like Chuck Norris.
Hey, just clean it up.
Oohhhh, I've never seen a man like you,
Who do the things you do.
Aha, you make my heart crackle,
There's a tub, why don't you get some spackle?
Clean it up.
Clean it up. Ohhhhh.
Clean it up.
Yeah.
Clean it up.
Clean it up, baby.
Coffee Grinder
(Episode 13.04)
Wayne: (deep voice) It's amazing.
It's hot like lava.
You can use it,
To make your java.
It's quite amusing,
Best I've seen,
When you take your hand and you,
Cross your beans.
(higher) I was walking down the street what could I do,
And all of a sudden I was telling you,
Take it, and then over you come,
The coffee grinder.
Let's make the coffee aga-ain. Everybody!
All: Let's make the coffee aga-ain.
Wayne: (deep voice) First you grab the beans. (all acting out the process)
You put it inside.
And then you grind.
From side to side.
And then you take the beans.
And put it inside the cup.
And then you java,
Your java starts to erupt.
(higher) Let's make the coffee aga-ain.
Let's make the coffee aga-a-a-a-ain.
Let's grind!
Thankyou.
Cyrus the Merchant Marine
(Episode 13.08)
(enters with spurs on)
Hey there big boy!
Beyots(?)
Oh, I like myself a great big man,
A great big boy like Cyrus who can,
Do anything, many kids he's sired,
But he doesn't remember because he's retired.
Cyrus, a heck of a guy,
Never afraid to give a job a try,
Oh you see, when I see him I'm beamin,
Because my heart flips for a merchant seaman! Ah!
Cyrus, oh I love you oh,
Cyrus, I'm thinkin of you, oh,
Big boy, let me do that job,
Oh look he's so svelte and I know he's not a slob,
'Cause he's a, he's Cyrus, I know you heard me said, he's,
He's Cy, big Cyrus!
Dana the Dental Hygienist
(Episode 11.12)
Wayne: Oh Dana, you're the boss,
I listen to you every day, because I floss,
Listen girl, loving I've got to git,
Why don't you take me to your love sink and let me spit,
Ooh Dana! (Brad: Dana!)
Dana! (Brad: D-D D-Dana!)
Dana!
Brad: Dana, give me,
Some novocaine-a!
Brad & Wayne: Dana!
Brad: I think that you've got lots of class,
I'd like to take you out with a tank of laughing gas!
Oh Dana, (Wayne: Dana!)
Brad: Dana! (Wayne: Dana!)
Brad: Dana! (Wayne: I never get my fill, I said)
Both: Dana! (Wayne: Oh...)
Dana!
Wayne: Why don't you open your mouth, ooh,
Here comes my big drill!
Oh Dana! (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
Dana! (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
(drill noises) (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
Danaaaaaa (Brad: Da da da da danaaaa!)
Delores the Gardener
(Episode 12.10)
(dances on his knees)
(high pitched voice, still on knees)
There's a girl that I sing about every day,
Right Tito? Shut up!
Because you stay in your garden that way.
(dances, voice getting deeper)
And you, oh I love you make my heart hum,
Because you got a green thumb,
Oh girl,
Oh girl,
C'mon girl!
C'mon girl.
(clears throat, voice breaking)
Well you... you...
Youuuu (goes high pitched)... you... you...
(sands off jaw, checks appearances, spray paints face white)
Hoooo!
(dances)
Listen girl, listen to me,
Look what I'm startin'. Ah ah ah ah ah.
I want you to help me,
Plant seeds in my garden. (dances)
Oh garden, garden,
Girl just feel,
Get your garden weasel,
And then you start to till,
Oh baby, hooooooo!
Garden me. Oh, yeah,
You make me go,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hoooo! Yeah.
Dennis the Engineer
(Episode 11.16)
(left, turns) I'm Lawanda!
(middle, turns) I'm Lavores!
(right, turns) I'm Lequisha!
(Lawanda) And we're here to sing for you. Right, girls?
(Lavores) That's right!
(Lequisha) Sing!
Ooh, from the very start,
I want a man who can build a bridge to my heart.
And it's you, uh-huh,
I said it's you.
Tell him, girls!
(Lequisha) I never had a man like you before, no no,
I never had a man who can build a house and a door, no no,
You must've gone to school for a long time,
But now you're here, you're mine all mine.
And it's my privilege,
I know that you are going to build that bridge.
(Lavores) He's gonna,
(Lawanda) Build a bridge to my heart.
Gonna build it.
Gonna build a bridge to my heart.
(Lavores) Sing it!
Gonna build a bridge.
(Lequisha) You're gonna build a bridge to my heart, oh!
(kisses Dennis on the head as each singer)
(Lawanda) We love you!
Derek the Diesel Guy
(Episode 12.12 and 13.00)
(both dance)
Chip: Yeaaahhooooohhhhh. I say yeah.
Both: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah!
Chip: Well Derek,
He's the best I've ever seen,
At running the warehouse watchin' diesel gasoline,
Nobody's better,
Nobody's better than Derek.
Hey hey hey!
Wayne: Now Derek,
He's really fast.
Both: Derek.
Wayne: He deals in diesel, not gas. He's...
Both: Derek.
Wayne: He's really terrific,
Even though his job description isn't specific.
Derek!
(start spelling it out YMCA-style)
Chip: D!
Chip: E! / Wayne: E!
Chip: R! / Wayne: R!
Chip: E! / Wayne: R!
Chip: K! / Wayne: I!
Wayne: C!
Wayne: K!
Wayne: And!
Wayne: Derek! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: E! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: R! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: R! Chip: Derek!
Chip: Ooooooh! That boy can work some diesel gasoline! (Wayne: Oh oh oh)
Wayne: Pump that diesel Derek, Chip: gonna pump that
Wayne: Pump that diesel Derek, Chip: Pump that gas!
Chip: Workin' in the warehouse, Wayne: In the warehouse!
Chip: Every day and night! D, E, R, E.... (Wayne: C'mon!)
Chip: DEREK!
(Wayne & Chip dance with Derek joining in)
Wayne: Derek.
Both: Derek.
Derek.
Chip: He's the best I've ever seen,
At watching the gasoline, Wayne: In the warehouse!
Both: Derek!
Wayne: Derek, you want a job dude?
Drew: Derek. Hey Derek, how many points should we give them?
Derek: (voice squeaks) Two billion!
Drew: Two billion!
Wayne: (squeaky voice) Two billion!
Chip: Yeah!
Wayne & Chip: (squeaky voices) Two billion!
Wayne: I love you Derek! You know it dude!
Derek: (does 'call me' to Wayne)
Drew: (squeaky voice) Two billion points for Derek!
Dina the Thermostat Marketing Manager
(Episode 12.17)
Both: Oooooohoohooh. Oooohooohhohh.
Wayne: Oh listen to me girl, you hit the spot (Brad: Oooooooh)
When you turn my thermometer up and you make me hot.
Brad: Oh Dina, listen that,
I want you to change the heat on my thermostat.
When my temperature goes up, (Wayne: Temperature!)
My blood pressure goes way down, (Wayne: Boop bop, boop bop, errrr)
And I'm a guy who needs your love,
Or I am gonna drown.
Wayne: Oh Dina, (Brad: Dina!)
This is what I say,
You market all those things for the conditioner,
Oh you make me caliente.
Oh Dina, (Brad: Dina!)
Dina. (Brad: Late at night!)
Dina late at night oh baby,
Brad: I don't care if you're Celsius or Fahrenheit (Wayne: I don't, care, heit)
Ooh Dina,
Both: (high) Diiiii-naaaa!
Funnel
(Episode 12.36)
Wayne: Now what can I do, when
My blood comes to a boil?
You need something cylindrically shaped
To funnel all your oil.
Chip: Oh yeeeesss!
One size very big,
And one size very small,
And when you put your ketchup in another one,
You want to catch it all.
Wayne: Oh who's got the funnel?
You've got to funnel, (Chip: I've got that funnel!)
You got to take it,
And put it inside,
One two three four,
Put it inside of the funnel. (Chip: Side the funnel!)
You've got to funnel.
Chip: It's like a fancy tunnel.
Wayne: It's just, it's called, it's a funnel.
Here we go! Go go!
Chip: (tap dances)
Wayne: That's it! Put it inside!
Whoo! Move it!
(tap dances)
Wayne: (spins around on floor)
Chip: (tap dances jumping over him)
Wayne: That's what you call a
Both: Funnellll!
Jaime Camil (Jane the Virgin)
(Episode 21.04)
Wayne: So tell us about what you like to do in real life, do you have any hobbies that maybe we don't do?
Jaime: Um... in real life ah I like extreme sports, for example, ah sky diving, motorcycling.
Jeff: Wow.
Jaime: Yeah.
Wayne: Really?
Jaime: Yes.
Wayne: Well let's hear about it in song. Jeff?
Jeff: All right.
Wayne: Hit it ladies!
Jeff: Let's hear a mariachi yell!
Jaime: Alalalalaaiii!!!
Jeff: Hahaaa!
Wayne: Yeah! Ohhhhhh...
Both: Weeellll...
Jeff: You might think I'm crazy, you might think I'm loony, (Wayne: Ahahah)
But this guy right here looks like the Latin George Clooney.
He is super handsome, he is so great,
Oh alai to see you sing can't wait.
Wayne: Oh Jaime,
Both: Oh Jaime,
Wayne: Oh now Jaime, I know that you would like the sports extreme,
I know that when it comes to action you are on their team,
And Jaime you're so brave, and yes I envy you,
And bikes and mountain climbing those are things brothers don't do.
Both: Jaime! Jaime!
Jeff: Jaime you are handsome, as we all here can see, (Wayne: Guapo!)
But would please sing a little bit with me?
Jaime: I will sing with you, even though I don't know what I'm saying, (Wayne: Cantas!)
And this song is beautiful, I'm going to take it home with me.
Both: Oh Jaime! Oh Jaime!
Jaime! Jeff: Oh you sing for me.
Wayne: Now Jaime, to dance, I know you don't need no urgin',
But hey he is that guy from the show all about that virgin.
Both: Jaime, Jaime.
Jaime, Jeff: oh won't you baile?
Ole!
Jennifer the English Literature Student
(Episode 11.09)
Pardon me girl, I was reading my book,
But I saw you in the library so I had to take a second look.
Do you understand, I want to be your boy,
I don't care if you call me Chaucer, maybe Tolstoy.
Ooh I know, girl, that you're your father's daughter,
I saw you 'cause you read books, and I know you're a little smarter,
Can I come and talk to you for a while?
I've got lots of books, hey pick any style.
I've got english books and science books and chemistry books,
I've got Canterbury Tales, why don't you take a look?
I've got Playboy books, no I don't, just kidding, hey.
I want you to remit with me, why don't you read with me,
Page one is love,
Page two is love,
Page three is love,
Page four is love,
Page five is love,
Page six... is love,
Thankyou, girl.
Jeremy the Air Traffic Controller
(Episode 13.09)
Wayne: Now brothers and sisters...
Robin: Yes say it again!
Wayne: I said brothers and sisters...
Robin: Oh sweet Lord.
Wayne: Every now and then we all have to get up in the good plane.
Robin: Mmmmmhmmm.
Wayne: We all have to 'ascend'.
Robin: Ah hah.
Wayne: And you know brother...
Robin: (indicating the exits)
Wayne: We cannot do it alone, because God may be the co-pilot.
Audience: Oh yeah!
Wayne: I said God-a may be-ee the co-pilot. But somebody's gotta tell you where to go. Brother Robin am I correct?
Robin: (finishes safety briefing & shaking ready to take off) You have the feeling, and the spirit, and the clearance to land.
Wayne: Thank you very much! Hah!
Hey-ey,
Now let me tell you my song, and let me begin,
I got a boy named Jeremy, if you didn't know he's pushing tin.
Oh Jeremy, (Robin: Hey yeah!)
I said Both: Jeremy.
You better watch out, he's hung over from last night's bash,
Oh you better watch out air traffic controller, cos your plane's gonna crash.
Robin: Yeah you know when you're up, flying in the air, (Wayne: In the...)
When you're landing in LA, O'Hare,
Lot of folks, passing overhead, (Wayne: Come on now!)
Oh dear what I knew, you sure don't wanna end up dead.
You hope to God, you're cleared on through,
Jeremy's the man who can really mess with you.
Wayne: Hey! Come on! Get up now boy!
You feel it Jeremy? Guide me home, guide me home. Come on!
(Jeremy guides the both down the stage)
Robin: Oh!
Wayne: Oh!
(Robin heads up into the audience)
Wayne: Check the one, we've lost one, we've lost one!
Robin: Hey yeah!
Hey yeah! (Audience: Hey yeah!)
Hey yeah! (Audience & Wayne: Hey yeah!)
Come on in! (Audience & Wayne: Come on in!)
Get your mean! (Wayne: Get your mean!)
Comin' on in! (Wayne: Put down the flaps!)
Put down the flaps! (Wayne: Put down the flaps!)
Put down the wheels! (Wayne: Landing gear!)
Landing gear! (Wayne: Check your vector!)
Check my vector! (Wayne: Hit that flap!)
Hit that flap! (Wayne: Down to the ground!)
Down to the ground! (Wayne: Hey yo!)
Robin: I'm home! Oh Jeremy!
Wayne: We made it home, because of
Both: Jee-ee-eerrr, Jerreee-meeee-eee-eee.
Kathie Lee Gifford (queen of daytime TV)
(Episode 21.11)
Wayne: Kathie Lee, you ready baby?
Kathie: I'm ready, baby!
Wayne: Hit it girl!
Whoo! Tonight,
Kathie: (dances)
You talkin' 'bout a special lady, (Brad: Yeah!)
You love this chick? (Brad: Oh yeah!)
It's Kathie Lee.
Listen to me, this is what I say,
When I'm lookin' at you, lookin' at him,
You make me feel a different way.
Kathie: (dances against Brad)
Brad: Oh yeah Kathie Lee (Wayne: Oh yeah), give me some sugar, (Wayne: Come on!)
I wanna be your leopard, and you can be my cougarrr-ohau.
Kathie: (rubs Brad's leg then moves to dance against Wayne)
Wayne: Oh baby, girl you're so sexy like money in the bank, (Brad: Yeah!)
For just 3 minutes, close your eyes and let me be your black Frank. Kathie: (pushes away)
Brad: Yeah yeah yeah, Kathie Kathie Lee-ee-ee-ee.
Kathie: (mouths "all right why not" goes back to Wayne and hangs off his neck)
Wayne: Oh, oh-oh, I'm talking 'bout Kathie Lee, yeah-eah.
Yo, Kathie you're so fine,
Just like Hoda we can drink a little wine.
Kathie: (dancing to Wayne)
Wayne: Just like you and me,
It's Brady and Lee,
How it's s'posed to be. Oh!
Kathie: Oh!
Brad: That's right each and every day,
You can hack an empty bottle of Chardonnay. (Wayne: Come on!)
Kathie: (moves back into Brad's arms)
Brad: I wanna make love to you so well,
We'll drain a bottle of a Zinfandel, yeah yeah.
Kathie: I don't like Zinfandel, I'm all yours! (moves to Wayne then circles them both)
Wayne: Baby, tell us what you want to do with us. Hit it!
Kathie: I want you to buy a piece of my vineyard!
Wayne: You want me to buy your vineyard, I guess that's sexy,
Nothing like the land transaction, between you and me.
Kathie: It can only be business boys.
Brad: Don't make me beg,
I'll buy your vineyard (Kathie: Beg!) and every keg,
Kathie: Beg! (backs up against Wayne and points Brad to the ground)
Brad: I want to shimmy up your leg, (Kathie: Down!)
(drops to his knees in front of Kathie)
Oh yeah baby I'm now ready to beg, baby.
You and me, Kathie Lee,
I'll be like a Sherman tank,
Kathie: (tries to wrap her legs around Brad, Wayne moves close behind her)
Brad: Just forget about old Frank,
Baby, this is my dream,
I never knew I'd go down and scream,
Oh yeah-eah.
Kathie: (slides down hanging off Wayne and sits on Brad's knees, lifting her legs around him and rocking forward)
Wayne: This is how, this is how, (Brad: Oh yeah-eah!)
This is how it should be, (Brad: Oh yeah)
And if you keep going, (Brad: Oh yeah)
You're going to make another Cody.
Brad: Oh yeaaahhhh.
Wayne: Only on the CW!
Katie the Hoagie Yoagie Worker
(Episode 12.39)
Katie: Behind.
Drew: Behind the counter.
Ryan: In front of the counter... that'd be a customer, Drew...
Drew: So ah, we're gonna pick Katie, you're going to sing to her in the following style, you're gonna be a boy band. I think I've found the perfect subject. You're gonna sing to her like a boy band, Katie, she works at Hoagie Yoagie, good luck.
Wayne Brady & Chip Esten - Boy Band
Wayne & Chip: (posing)
Wayne: Ooh baby! Oh oh.
Chip: Yaaaah-aaaahh!
Wayne: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Chip: Ooooh-oooh!
Wayne: I got a little something special going out for the girl that made me a hoagie last week.
Chip: Say babe, yeah yeaaaah.
Wayne: Yeah oooooooh.
Chip: Yeah.
Wayne: Yeah, now,
Listen to me Katie, this is what I said,
Your job revolves around mayonnaise and two pieces of bread.
Oh yeah, you keep it coming okie-dokie,
It's not a national chain so we can mention Hoagie Yoagie.
Chip: Yeah, I get a good sandwich when I'm around her, (Wayne: Yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know that Katie works behind the counter.
She, has a lot of sandwich tricks,
She even gives me, those fancy toothpicks. Yeah.
Wayne: That sandwich, make it little girl, (Chip: Make itaaaiiiihhhheeee!)
And give me kinds of spices from all around the world.
Take some mustard and oregano and some provolone cheese, (Chip: Oh oh oh)
And you put it on my hoagies, now baby, please!
Chip: Sesame seee-eee-eeeds!
Sesame seee-eeeeds.
Wayne: Break it down Chip, break it down Chip!
Chip: Yeah I'm watchin' on the telly,
And I saw you at the deli,
And I went to get a sandwich,
And I put in in my mouth. (Wayne: Oh! Oh!)
I came I got a coke,
I got another kind of drink,
And then I (?????)
the counter.
Wayne: Now let me tell you something girl,
Because you see I wanna spin and twirl,
That's right that's right, the days are days,
I get funky, give me mayonnaise!
Whoah, whoah,
Chip: Kaaaattie!
Wayne: Gotta, gotta, gotta,
Chip: Work at Hoagie Yoagie!
Wayne: Get that goddamn(?) hoagie-dokie.
Chip: Kattiiiiie!
Wayne: Make it, make it!
Chip: Whoooooooo!
Wayne: Oooooh!
Chip: Katie!
Wayne: Eeeeh, yeah girl.
Kenny the Machinist
(Episode 12.08)
Wayne: Oi oi oi!
Josie: Oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi aaaaaaahhh!
Wayne: His name is Kenny, see what I mean,
He's got a bald head and he builds machines,
He's a machinist. (Josie: Ooooooooooh)
He's a machinist. (Josie: Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny) (Wayne: Kenny Kenny!)
Josie: Kenny is my love bitch, I love him he's mean,
I especially like him when he's workin' 'is machine, because,
He is a man-ichinist.
Both: He is a ma-machinist,
He is a ma-chinist,
Wayne: He is...
Josie: You are a machinist, ay.
Wayne: Oi! Now Kenny is so smart he could never be a fool,
Look at him around his waist is his belt of tools,
Kenny. Kenny. (Josie: Yeah yeah yeah yeeaah!)
Josie: His head feels real nice,
Completely full of lice! (Wayne: Oi!)
Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny!
Wayne: Kenny Kenny Kenny!
(jumps on Kenny)
Josie: (runs to camera) What you lookin' at?!!!
Wayne: Kenny!
Josie: Kenny!
Wayne: Machine!
Josie: He's a man!
Kevin McHale (Glee)
(Episode 19.02)
Brothers and sisters,
Sometimes in life,
You are told to sit down,
And not to stand.
And regardless of how,
Exactly how it makes you feel,
You can get rich,
By sitting in a chair with wheels.
Now now now, now here's a little bit of fact,
That you may not understand,
Before you was on Glee you was in a boy band.
No no no no no no no,
You've got your chance,
Now everybody knows that the boy really can dance.
You make him dance, (Kevin stands and dances)
Now make him
Do you feel it?
Do you feel it, (Kevin: Whoo!)
Do you feel it, (Kevin: Whoo!)
Do you feel it,
Hey hey,
Now do you feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel it? (Kevin: Owwww!)
Oh, now Kevin, if I could say to you,
To go forth and do your thing,
Now normally I handle all of this business myself, (Kevin: Oh no no...)
But damn, boy, go ahead and sing!
Yeah!
Kevin: I can't sing like you, (Wayne: Hey!)
And everybody can see,
I may be a little light-skinnedy (Wayne: Little!)
But I wish I was Wayne Brady.
I can't keep up with you sir,
I'm usually sitting down (Wayne: Down down!)
So if I'm gonna sit my butt back down,
You can take this song all the way to town.
Wayne: Hey, I won't take it,
And I'm gonna sit down,
Oh you can not stand up and then I want you to just sit down,
Now I know you said you wanted,
You wanted to be me,
But I'd give anything to be offa here and get my black ass onto Glee!
Hey-ey,
Hey-ey-ey-ey (Kevin: Hey-ey-ey-ey)
Hey-ey-ey-ey (Kevin: Hey)
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Now don't you know,
Now Kevin I say to you,
I say-ay-ay-ay-ay,
It's good to be you-ou! (Kevin: Oooooh)
Oooh-ooooh (Kevin: Oooohh)
Kim the Lightbulb Saleslady
(Episode 13.06)
Wayne: Bakalaaaay (Brad: Laaaaaayy)
Brad: Baku atah!
Wayne: Makaeeeeeeee.
Brad: Oh ai ee ohhhh.
Wayne: (sproing)
Today, a girl named Kim makes, me-ee,
Say "Hello, I love you, gee!"
Brad: Hey there Kim,
It's so good to see ya,
When I need a lightbulb,
I get a new idea.
Oh Kim, (Wayne: Oh Kim!)
Oh Kim. (Wayne: Oh ayalay Kim!)
Oh Kim.
Wayne: I would buy a bulb from you not him. Oh,
Both: Kim!
Brad: Oh Kim.
You keep my life, from being, so dim.
Kim, you are the one for me.
Oh yes and now you see,
I know I love you true.
I turn it onto "two".
The wattage is so high,
And now I wonder why,
You are with some new guy.
Oh Kim.
Wayne: Oh Kim,
You are the girl I like,
I, I fly a kite,
Just to for the electricity,
For you I got to me.
Ey ey ey ey.
Brad: Oh Kim,
You are so effervescent,
Your lightbulb is fluorescent,
And I am out of rhymes.
Wayne: Oh Kim, Oh Kim,
Both: Oh Kiiiiiiim!
Brad: Hey!
Lactation Consultant
(Episode 25.04)
Wayne: Alright, so you're on Dynasty, you deal in oil...
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Wayne: It's sexy...
Elizabeth: It's oily yeah.
Wayne: It's sexy and oily.
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Wayne: Is there an occupation, there's someone, someone raise your hand, you have an occupation that should be the focus of a brand new series. You think it's so sexy... ma'am?
Audience: Lactation consultant.
Wayne: Lactation consultant.
Chip: Taxation consultant!
Wayne: No no no, lactation consultant!
Elizabeth: Lactation man!
Chip: Oh hoh hoh!
Elizabeth: Okay!
Wayne: So, so you'll join us and sing along?
Elizabeth: If it feels right I'll hop on in...
Wayne: Yes about the joys of being a lactation consultant.
Elizabeth: Sure.
Wayne: (to Laura & Linda) Ladies?
It's that time, I feel my hormones jumping, (Chip & Elizabeth: Jumping!)
Time to open wide, get these mammaries pumping, (Chip & Elizabeth: Pumping!)
And now I do not know, the end result,
How do I work these? Will consult,
Please, somebody please, consult me. (Elizabeth: Ooooh ooh!)
Chip: I have a question, I have a hesitation,
I need to consult about lactation,
I'm very scary, very very scary,
Any time I'm talking, talking 'bout the dairy,
But I know, I don't know, where my wife went...
Elizabeth: Here I am! Chip: Two per cent!
Elizabeth: Two per cent!
Wayne: I know what!
Elizabeth: What?
Wayne: You should consult us,
Tell us please, alleviate our breastation,
Tell us about all of the lactation?
Elizabeth: Well, since I'm the only one here who can do it, (Wayne: Do it!)
I'm gonna keep it a secret. (Wayne: What?)
Wayne: Shoo, tell me please oh,
Elizabeth: No? No! No! Oh no. All right.(Wayne: Won't you please? To teach us?) (Chip: Please? Oh please?)
No. No. Well? No. no. (Wayne: No? Please? Just? No?)
(Chip: What can it harm?
I once lived on farm.
Elizabeth: You did?
Chip: I did!
Elizabeth: Well this makes things very different!
Wayne: Does it have a battery? Pump automatic?
Hanging to my knees, National Geographic?
Elizabeth: There is no battery, it does not hang to your knees.
(to Chip) Do you have a question for me?
Chip: Hmmm. Trying to think what won't,
Get me sued...
Wayne: Lactaaaaa-tion! (Chip & Elizabeth: Taaaa-tion!)
Chip: Here's my question,
When you have a baby, does it make you laugh?
Do you put the baby on both, is it Half-and-Half?
Elizabeth: No! Usually, you just pick one, (Chip: Oh!)
The better one, you know, you can tell which one.
Wayne: And if you have a baby, it comes out smooth like silk,
And if you're dark like me, do you make chocolate milk?
Chip: Consulting! (Wayne: Consulting in the air!)
Chip & Wayne: Consulting!
It's not insulting! (Elizabeth: No!)
Wayne: Lactate consulting!
All: Lactate consulting!
Aisha: Elizabeth Gillies everyone! Elizabeth Gillies! So great. Elizabeth Gillies.
Wayne: We navigated the landmine!
Chip: Yes we did! We tiptoed through the tulips!
Aisha: Ummm... barely.
Ryan: They really milked that.
Chip: You little squirt!
Lee the Lunch Lady
(Episode 12.22 and 13.00)
(rings doorbell) Do-dooo. Do-dooo.
I'll let myself in!
Are you Lee?
These words come right from me,
They're to you and your name is Lee,
Can you fix me a treat?
Maybe some mystery meat.
I love you girl, I sing this song,
You have the shower cap on,
When you're servin' all that food.
Hey!
Do you like it when you spoon out the food,
Do you like it, Lee?
Oh Lee, aiiyeah Lee,
Would you like to serve me? (unbuckles belt)
On Monday - meatloaf. (pulls back shirt)
On Tuesday - steak. (touches butt)
On Wednesday - pork. (poses)
On Thursday - chicken. (acts like chicken)
And Friday,
It's the best day of all,
Because you get to have a little spaghetti,
And two great meatballs...
(cracks up)
Oh Lee!
Wayne: I'm so sorry!
Lee: That's okay!
Drew: I'm gonna have some bad dreams tonight, folks, let me tell you!
Wayne: I feel so dirty!
Drew: You feel dirty, how about poor Lee the Lunch Lady?!
Lolo Jones (Hurdles and Bobsled)
(Episode 21.26)
Lolo: Chocolate.
Wayne: Hahaaa!
Lolo: Okay I should not have said that...
Wayne: Hit it! Too late you said it!
Wayne: All right ladies and gentlemen, everyone clapping your hands.
Ooohhhhooohhhhhhhhh.
Ehhhhehehhhh. Lolo!
I seen you jumping over the hurdle,
About this high-igh,
And I was wonderin, you look like an angel,
And I know that you fly, oh me oh my!
I know that you're the kind of girl,
For the gold you can't wait.
But you train so hard, and you need something to put in your mouth,
And chocolate is a great carbohydrate.
Jeff: Lolo!
Both: Lolo!
Wayne Lolo!
Jeff: Now let me tell you girl,
I know you like chocolate,
That much is true.
You've had the dark kind over there,
I hope you like white chocolate too.
You're the hottest athlete that I've ever seen,
C'mon, we can go bobsledding together, why don't you get right in-between?
(Wayne, Lolo & Jeff squeeze up into formation)
Wayne: Oh-whoah, let's go,
Today is my lucky day.
(Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie join in at the back)
Wayne: But whoah-oh (Jeff: Lolo!), whoah-oh, (Jeff, Ryan & Colin: Lolo!)
But hey, I don't want to face that way!
Yeah-eah!
Jeff: Lolo! Wayne: Lolo!
Let's get low-low! So...
Jeff: You only live once,
They call it - Both: YOLO!
Wayne: Come on Lolo,
Baby let's go-oh,
Jeff: I don't want have to go soloooo.
Wayne: Lolo, cos it's your,
It's about you tonight, no ifs ands or buts,
So raise your hand in victory,
Because yeah, your chocolate's got nuts.
Both: Lolo! Loloohhhh.
Wayne: I didn't mean it that way!
Jeff: Lolo!
Both: Loloooohhh!
Lolooohhh!
Lydia the Geographer
(Episode 12.25)
Wayne: Geographer?
Lydia: Geographer.
Drew: And you're going to sing to her and... as... oh man, the broke brother himself, M.C. Hammer.
Wayne: The broke brot...! (feels empty pockets and turns into dance move)
Drew: Haha... M.C. "Gotta get a coupon to buy a" Hammer. I'm just joking around man.
Wayne: Where my cash at?! (apologises)
Drew: So go ahead, Laura and everybody, go ahead and start and knock 'em dead.
Wayne Brady - M.C. Hammer:
(dances)
(backing) She's Lydia!
She's what? She's what?
(backing) Her name is Lydia.
Say it again. Say it again.
(backing) Ba-by Lydia.
What's she do? What's she do?
(backing) Geographer.
Let me tell you something,
I'll tell you this and that,
I don't know my way around town,
Hey girl can you make a map?
Can you tell me something, tell me this,
Tell me where that land?
And do you understand,
Because I am the man.
Have you been to India,
Do you know cartography?
And just for laymen out there,
That's making maps you see.
You have to understand this fact,
Straight from me,
If you so smart, with that flourish,
Tell me this country.
India! (dances)
Cuba! (dances)
Czechoslovakia! (dances)
Japan! (dances)
Now! Now! Now! Now!
I would like to travel,
All up and down your boundaries.
And then maybe on the second date,
I could sail your seven seas.
Then tell me something,
And it might be quite strange,
And maybe by the third date,
I could touch your mountain range.
Lydia!
Lydia!
Her name is Lydia!
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
Her name is Lydia! (backing) Lydia!
Hey Lydia! (backing) Lydia!
It's Lydia!
Huh, that's the end of my rap,
Make this map.
Huh.
Mae the Baker
(Episode 11.07)
I love you Mae, that's what I said,
Take this as my heart, a piece of unleavened bread.
Oh Mae, people say I love you, but,
Why don't you make me a big love doughnut?
Oh Mae, they say we don't go well together,
But like bagels and lox we'll be together forever,
Oh Mae, it's no wonder that you and I are together,
Day after day.
Oh Mae, when you're there, and you're playing with that dough,
I look at your grey hair and inside my heart I love you so.
Oh Mae, baby baby, why don't you feel my heart beat?
You've got a little chocolate outside and in the middle is wheat.
Oh Mae, oh Mae, give me your lovin',
I know it's too darn hot in your oven,
Oh Mae, oh Mae, hold me tight tonight,
Everybody be quiet, because the altitude for baking bread is right.
Oh Mae, oh Mae,
My love souffle.
Maile the Talent Agency Secretary
(Episode 12.16)
Hey girl, give me what you got,
Can I give you my headshot?
Oh girl,
Hey hey hey.
Alright now,
I like you girl.
My picture won't you take,
Been in this town and I need a big break,
Oh girl,
Hey hey.
Alright now,
D-d-d-d-d-d-d yeah.
I know you wanted to be an actress, Oh don't be a slob.
But it's because you can't act at all,
That's why you got a secretary job.
Oh girl,
Won't you help me out?
I'm gonna play the piano for you now.
(plays piano, crossing hands, behind back, with head)
Hey girl,
Why don't you help me out?
Thankyou.
(goes to shake hands, has trouble finding her)
Maria the Hula Instructor
(Episode 13.03)
Chip: Whoah!
Wayne: Yeah!BR> Chip: (high kicks)
Wayne: Whoo!
Chip: Oh yeah!
Wayne: Now Maria is the girl,
She's got a lot of taste,
She doesn't do the talkin' with her mouth,
She does it with her waist.
Oh she uses her brain,
She uses her medulla,
Look at her over in Riverside,
(dances) That's hula!
Wayne: Yeah!
Chip: Oh yeah! Owww!
Wayne: Whoo!
Chip: Dig that hula!
Wayne: She she she, I've got it bad!
Chip: When she sees her,
Well I just can't pass.
She turns around,
And she can move that grass.
She's oohhhhhh!
Wayne: Yeah, yeah!
When she moves her legs,
It drives me crazy,
It's the kind of entertainment, That you see in Waikiki.
Oh let me tell you something,
Something you should know,
When she does like this,
Boom goes my volcano!
Both: Mariaa!
Chip: Mariaaaaaaaa!
Wayne: Mariaaa!
She makes me want to
Both: Jump!
Chip: Just want to
Both: Jump!
Chip: I'm her boy!
A woy oy oy!
Oh oh!
Maria.
(both smash guitars, then hula with Maria)
Wayne: Yeah-eahhhh!
Chip: Yeaahhh!
Wayne: Whooo!
Whoo!
Marie the Step-Aerobicizer
(Episode 11.13)
Whoo! Whoo!
Let me tell you something, I think you have a rep, ooh!
I've seen you in aerobic class, going up and down your step, ow!
Oh you look so good, your body you can't hide,
I like the way that you step from side to side.
That is right, I want you even more,
I want you to do your calesthenics across the floor.
C'mon and dance with me, ooh, ah!
Dance with me, ooh!
I see you dancing from side to side, ooh!
When I said I didn't like the way you danced I lied, ooh!
You make me go (guitar break)
Ooh! So c'mon and dance, dance with me, dance with me,
Let's dance, ooh! Dance, ooh!
C'mon and dance. Let's dance, let's dance.
Take a little chance.
Put on your pointy shoes and kick away your blues.
And just dance, I said D-A-N-C-E! Ooh!
Ooh!
Mary & Mariya (US Olympic Synchronised Swimmers)
(Episode 19.05)
Wayne: Oh yeah girl,
I like... (Jeff: Alright!)
Check em out!
Because do I love you, yeah I gotta,
I like the way nitty tights, when you hit that agua,
And I like how you go (dances), all night,
I love when you (dances) to the left and to the right.
Swim girl,
Jeff: Oh yeah.
I'd be proud if one of you was my daughter, (Wayne: joins the dancing)
Although it looks a little weird out of the daughter,
You've got those shiny little sparkly clothes,
And you don't have those weird plastic things on your no-woah-wose.
(all dance) Wayne: It would be cool, if I could treat you again, (Jeff lays on ground waving legs)
(girls' dancing hits Wayne in the eye)
Yeah, who knew aqua sports could be so hurtful,
But I think I would settle.
Your synchronicity's the bomb, damn I gotta thank your mom,
And for that ass you gotta get a gold medal.
Jeff: You check it Wayne, (Wayne: Wayne!),
As they're dancing around,
But you have to picture it underwater,
And upside-down. (Wayne: Upside-down!)
Yeah!
Wayne: Well let's show them how,
Why don't you and me get upside-down right now? (Jeff: Alright!)
(both stand on heads)
Jeff: Right now!
Wayne: Oohoh! Oohoh! Oohoh! Oohoh!
All I gotta say is U! S! A!
Both: Oh, oh, oh, (Jeff: Synchronised)
Giiiiirl!, (Wayne: I said)
Oh, oh, oh,
Synchronised girl!
Michelle the Writer/Mom
(Episode 12.02)
Wayne: My darling,
Just listen to me, I'm a believer,
Michelle is an overachiever.
I look at you, and I think that you're the bomb,
Not one job, two, you're a writer slash mom.
Brad: Oh Michelle, you are a sexy girl to me,
And I would like to spend with you eternity,
And I would like to with you do something so rash,
'Cause you are a writer, mom, with a slash.
Wayne: With a slash.
Brad: With a slash.
Wayne: With a slash.
Brad: With a slash.
Wayne: She's a writer,
Brad: And a mom,
Both: With a slash.
Brad: With a slaaaaasshhh (Wayne: With a slash, with a sla-a-ash)
With a
Both: Slash,
She's a writer and a mom with a slash.
Maternity Nurse
(Episode 22.09)
Wayne: Alright now! Come on!
Y'all you feelin' it? I feel it right up in here. (indicates belly)
Now there's somethin' brewing, and there's something stewing,
I feel it all down in here. (Tamera: Yeah)
Only nine months, and then I kick it out,
Some time less than a year. (Tamera: Uh huh)
We're gonna do this verse, and we didn't rehearse,
Oh damn I think I need a maternity nurse.
Now can you do it? (Tamera: I can do it!)
Now can you do it? (Tamera: I can do it!)
First verse!
Tamera: First things first, you need your glove, ah ah ah ah,
Then you got to stick it where you, (Greg, Colin & Ryan take up birth positions behind them)
Kinda don't want to be, sometimes, (Wayne: Like this?)
Yes, yes, yes yes yes! (Wayne: I got some gloves!)
You got some gloves, (Wayne: I got some gloves!)
I got some gloves, (Wayne: I got some gloves!)
(to Colin) Oh no I see, I see the baby coming! (Wayne: Oh no now!)
Oh yes, she's about, five centimeters,
So we got, five more to go,
Until the ring of fire.
The ring of fire.
Wayne: Oh wow, this is stuff, I didn't really know.
It's the ring of fire.
Tamera: Don't you have kids?
Wayne: Hey man, I helped to make it,
I didn't help to get it.
Tamera: Alright, are you ready, if she's,
She's gonna push now. She's gonna push now.
Are you ready? Are you ready? (Wayne: I'm ready. I'm ready.)
Are you read-, oh my god, just see the head. (Wayne: Push! Push! Push! Push! Hey!) (Aisha comes through Colin's legs as the baby)
Whoooooooooh! Wayne: Eeee-eeey! Aisha: Ooooh yea-eah!
Wayne: Now look at this, that's how we get down,
You know he's a good daddy 'cause the baby is brown, (Tamera: Oh yeah!)
Oh look, how she did it this is how we get down,
You are really good now you're the best in town, (Aisha starts breastfeeding off him)
Now you that know ... that's right,
You that nurse... hah... dreams come true!
You the nurse (Tamera: Yes I'm that nurse!)
You the nurse (Tamera: Yes I am that nurse!)
Now answer me a question, Miss Nurse, (Tamera: Yes?)
Now ah, what do I do if I see the head poking through a little bit? (moves to Ryan)
Both: A little bit.
Tamera: You're gonna grab, the shoulders oh yeah, (Wayne does so on Ryan)
And make sure you twist it so it comes out just right.
Twist, and twist, and twist and twist.
And pull!
You got that baby now.
Wayne: Catch! (throws it to Aisha)
Tamera: Oh gosh!
Wayne: Ooooh, we didn't have to rehearse, and we did our verse,
Damn girl, you know, you one hell of a nurse,
Oh yeah. (Tamera: Oh thankyou!)
Ladies and gentlemen. We have never gone up in men before.
Tamera: Never!
Aisha: Thankyou so much! Yeah yeah I'll see you soon. You were amazing. Tamera Mowry-Housley everybody!
That was amazing. That's how it's done. Points all around for everybody.
Ryan: A lot of babies in a short amount of time.
Aisha: It's a fertile set.
Ryan: What was the ring of fire? I don't know anything about that.
Wayne: Yeah, does anybody know what the ring of fire is?
Audience: Don't ask!
Aisha: That's... yeah
Colin: "Don't ask!"
Aisha: "Don't ask!" Don't ask!
Ryan: Well it's gotta burn, burn, burn...
Maureen the Editor of Teen Style magazine
(Episode 13.01)
Uh!
What's up, Maureen?
How you doin', baby?
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen,
Now look at that girl,
Right there,
Look at her,
Sitting in that chair,
Do you understand,
Do you watch me glare,
I like you.
Do you understand,
Just once in a while,
The editor,
Of that Teen Style,
Because I want to get,
Just really close,
To you.
She's got pen and paper,
Put on the pad,
Oh my goodness,
Don't get mad,
What do you want,
So what can I do?
'Cause I want to give it to you!
Say yeaheaaaahhhh.
Uh. Uh.
(jumps) Uh!
Maureen!
Now Maureen do you see,
That I do that,
Because you realize,
That I like to rap,
Can you tell me something,
What do you think,
Can you introduce me,
To NSYNC?
Oh yeaaahhaaah!
Her name is Maureen, ahh!
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen.
Maureen everytime,
That I sing this song,
Got a shirt,
Do you wear a thong?
Maureen.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen.
Maureen. Uh.
I'll see you later girl,
When you put me in your magazine.
Sisqo the dragon. Look at that.
(points at bottom)
Niroshi the Political Science & Economics Student
(Episode 11.05)
I don't know what to do, I'm failing out of political science, Niroshi!
I don't know what to say, but let's us two go away to France and sail on the River Gauchey, Niroshi!
Let's cook some briochey, Niroshi!
I'll put on some suntan loshi, Niroshi!
I love you!
It's true, I really do!
I want to sail across the seven seas, and the Pacific Oceai, Niroshi, ooh!
Why, couldn't you have an easy rhyming name?
Oh why, I'd have an easier time in this game.
Niroshi, we're so closey,
Niroshi, I love you.
Penn & Teller (Magicians)
(Episode 21.10)
Aisha: ... and you're going to be singing in the Motown style. So whenever you are ready gentlemen...
Penn: Cos we're known for Motown...
Aisha & Wayne: Yes!
Wayne: So Penn, Teller, you guys are master illusionists, if you could make anything disappear, what would you make disappear?
Penn: Anything in the world that I wish weren't here?
Teller: (points to himself)
Penn: Teller.
Wayne: One! Two! Three! Four!
Now, I heard from you, now and again,
There's a wish made, by my buddy Penn, (Gary: Ahah!)
He has a dislike for one fella,
He'd like to go "Hah! Alabam!", no more Teller! (Teller: (shocked))
Yeah, oh oh (Gary: Ohyeah)
Make Teller go away. (Gary: Ahah)
Oh! Where'd he go?
Gary: I don't know, I looked across the nation, (Wayne: Ah-oop)
You seen after he did that prestidigitation, (Wayne: Ah-oop)
Don't ask me how baby, it ain't that tragic, (Wayne: Ah-oop)
It's just a little bit of that tall man's magic.
Oh yeah. (Wayne: Oh yeah)
Oh yeah. (Wayne: Oh yeah)
Teller disappear. (Wayne: Teller disappear!) (Teller: (ducks))
Ahahah.
Wayne: Oohoh!
Let's do the... let's do the disappearance, it go like this.
Both: Doo bee doobeedoop.
Wayne: Now, you do magic your way, we'll do it ours. We'll show you, follow us now.
Wayne: Now first you lead him to a secluded place.
Come on, it'll be safe.
And next you tell him to look that way, (Gary: Over there!)
Come on, it'll be safe.
And then you take a shovel, and hit-him-in-the-head-and-stick-him-in-the-truck, (he does so, Teller falls)
Drive him out to the desert, and put him in a hole,
He disappeared.
Gary: That's right, he disappeared.
That ain't all you have to do, Wayne, no!
Wayne: What else do you have to do?
Gary: I mean that ain't all, this ain't infinity, (Wayne: Oh)
Next I assume his identity, (Wayne: Yes)
I take his home (Wayne: And?) and I take his car, (Wayne: And?)
I take all the black jellybeans out of his jar,
Yes I do. (Wayne: Yes you do.)
Yeah I am you, and also you. (Teller: (removes his jacket and puts it on Gary)
Ohohoh.
Wayne: So funny, that he disappeared (Gary: Disa-, disa-, disappeared)
Disappeared. Eh. (Gary: (starts doing tricks))
Look at that! Now...
Now with Teller gone, yeah that's it,
Now that he's switched places, that's black magic, (Penn: (hands Gary cards)
Disappeared. (Gary: (fumbles the cards) Disappeared)
Oh he disappeared. Ohoh. (Gary: Disappeared)
Gary: (waves a card then drops it) Ahaha. All right this magic might be too black for me!
Disappeared!
Wayne: Yeah! He disappeared!
Gary: Disappeared baby all disappeared.
Teller: (pulls flowers out of his pocket and gives them to Wayne & Gary)
Wayne: Look at that...! Thank you, thank you guys.
Aisha: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Penn & Teller!
Ryan Stiles: ...I remember last year you said you wanted to lose enough weight that you could fit into Teller's jacket, remember that?
Gary: Into Teller's jacket. That's...
Ryan: It's come true.
Gary: I found out how they do one of his tricks. There's a smushed up bunny in the pocket.
Aisha: (laughs) Oh that's disgusting!
Wayne: I am not getting rid of the flower! You canno... no! He gave it to me as a gift! When a man, another man gives you a flower you honor that flower!
Peyton the Actress
(Episode 11.04)
Brad: Dear Peyton, it's awfully hard,
But now that you're on this show, you'll get your union card.
Wayne: Dear Peyton, you see, I know your bag,
Years and years you've wanted to be SA-AG.
Brad: So Peyton, (Wayne: Peyton.)
We're not understatin', (Wayne: No no no no no.)
And you will be datin', (Wayne: You'll be datin'.)
'Cause we're still wai-hey-hey-tin'! (Wayne: We're waitin'.)
Both: Peyton!
Wayne: Right from the sta-ar-art!
You're with your brother, your purple, your nice booty, you've got a heart!
Brad: Oh Pey-ay-to-o-o-o-o-e-o! (Wayne: Peyton!)
Oh Pey-ay-ton! (Wayne: Oh Peyton yeah!)
Wayne: Can I come to your Peyton Place?
Roll For Initiative
(Episode 23.05)
Wayne & Gary: Wil, Whea-ton, Wil, Whea-ton!
Wil: I've never done that high five before!
Aisha: Wil, we, welcome to the show, you know I love you.
Wil: Hi! And I love you.
Aisha: And I love your beard.
Wil: And I love _your_ beard.
Aisha: Thankyou.
Wayne: Ooooooh! He said you got a beard, son!
Aisha: Now, Wayne & Gary are going to be singing a song all about the lovely Wil Wheaton, and you're going to be singing in the style of a boy band. Whenever you're ready, take it away.
Wayne: Alright, now Wil, you have embraced your inner nerd.
Wil: I have.
Wayne: And made a life of it. We are nerds.
Wil: Yeah we are.
Wayne: Give us a nerd pickup line that we could walk into any bar and get ladies with our nerd prowess.
Wil: Oh yeah. Um... Roll for initiative.
Wayne & Gary: Roll for initiative.
Wayne: And if you know what that means, you're a real nerd. Laura, hit it! N times 3!
Wayne & Gary: Uh! Yeah! (roll dice)
Wayne: Alright ladies!
Gary: Hah! Yeah!
Wayne: What you doin'?
Gary: Hah! Gonna roll baby! Gonna roll baby! Yeah!
Wayne: You check it out!
Wayne: Come on baby, listen to me,
I'm about to break up my character sheets,
And all I want to do is you got the temerity,
To watch me while I try to roll for dexterity.
Gary: Come on baby, you know it's nice, (Wayne: Roll!)
When I got myself a 28-sided dice, (Wayne: dice!)
And if I hit it right (Wayne: quite!) you'll be with me,
Let's roll for initiative baby!
Wayne: Now how hard can it be, (Gary: Ho-oh!)
To view just what I give, (Gary: Ah!)
You need to roll for your attributes,
Because you know chicks dig initiative.
Break it down!
Wil: Chicks dig initiative!
Wayne: Dig initiative!
Wil: Dig initiative!
Wayne: Nitia-nitiative!
Gary: Nitia-nitia-nitia!
Wil: (high) Nitia- Dig initiative!
Wayne: Yeah! Nitia-nitiative!
Gary: Yeah!
Wil: (high) Nitiative!
Wayne: Tell 'em 'bout it, Wil!
Wil: Baby when I walked into this room, (Wayne: Come on!) (Gary: Ohh-ohhh)
I saw you across, my perception was boom, (Wayne: Whoah!) (Gary: Boom boom!)
And I looked at you, and I came into the sight, (Wayne: Come on!)
And I took my sknife out of my might,
And I made up some words, (Wayne & Gary: Yeah!) and I put 'em in a song, (Wayne & Gary: Yeah!)
And I thought mayb' this has gone a little long, (Wayne: Come on!)
Looks like I had some fun,
But I threw my dice and I rolled a one.
Wayne: Now come on girl, can't help yourself, (Gary: Oh, yeah, oh)
I know you want to make love to this dark elf,
It really doesn't even matter, what do you give,
I got my dexterity and my initiative,
That means,
I'm checkin' for traps. I'm checkin' for traps. (Gary: He's checkin' for...)
All: (I'm/He's) checkin' for traps. (I'm/He's) checkin' for traps.
Gary: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah!
Wil: Checkin' for traps!
Wayne: D and D!
Gary Gygax bitches!
Sara the IT Consultant
(Episode 11.19)
Wayne: (combs afro, puts on platforms)
Brad: (waves)
Wayne: Well, I see you, you see me,
Explain to me, what the hell is IT?
Oh girl, since I've been alive,
I've wanted a woman who can touch my hard drive.
Brad: You drive me crazy, I need psychology,
To understand this informational technology.
Oh Sara,
You're so much sexier than Farrah,
You're so much better than...
Wayne: Oh Sara, oh can I be with you tonight?
I can let you touch my big ol' megabyte!
Oh Sara,
Oh yeah, Sara.
Brad: Sara.
Wayne: I know sometimes I might be a louse, oh Sara,
Brad: Sara.
Wayne: Why don't you put your left hand and click my mouse,
I said,
Both: Sara!
Wayne: Oh Sara,
Oh Sara,
Yoooouuuuuuuuu!
Scott Porter (Hart of Dixie)
(Episode 21.05)
Wayne: So Scott, to make this song about you, what's the nerdiest thing about yourself that all the ladies don't know?
Scott: I play ah, it's like superhero chess, with like little figurines.
Wayne: (walks off)
Scott: It's called HeroClix... what'sup y'all, yeah!
Wayne: (returns) Very well. Hit it ladies!
Yeah! Whoo! So what we do now, hey ladies, (Scott: Yeah!)
Two man boy band, (Scott: Yeah yeah!),
Scott and Dub B coming at ya (Scott: Ebony and ivory!)
Hey listen baby, oh, you know that we're the best.
Some other brothers might take you out on the town,
But we play superhero chess. (Scott: Whoo!)
We go click click (Scott: Click click!), move our king across the room. (Scott: Uh!)
Click click (Scott: Click click!), you don't know what we doin'. (Scott: Oooh!)
Click click, and I don't know if you heard,
Sexy. AKA nerds.
Oh, tell 'em 'bout it Scott,
Oh, now show 'em what you got.
Oh, now tell 'em 'bout it Scott,
Oh, Scott, break it down! Yeah!
Scott: Don't matter if you're Superman, (Wayne: Super!)
Don't matter if you're Batman. (Wayne: Batman!)
What matters is that you sit at that table,
And play this game hard as you can. (Wayne: Yeah!)
Yeah yeah (Wayne: Yeah!), see, we love superheroes, (Wayne: Sing baby!)
But that's not all I love,
I love the ladies. Mwah! Yeah baby!
Wayne: He wants to be your, he wants to be your hero.
Even if he plays, and you think that he's a zero.
Scott: Now baby, Wayne: because every time he's braggin',
We can see he's playing Dungeons and Dragons. (Scott: Click click!)
It be like what you don't even care,
Sitting down, playing superhero chess in our underwear.
Both: Whoah!
Sheila the I.N.S. Attorney
(Episode 11.10)
Whoo, Oh Lord.
Now your love is a thing that I want in order,
But you keep stopping me from crossing your border.
Why don't you let me into your place?
Oh...
Come on, everybody!
I'm trying to make my way into your country,
But all your friends, they sought to hunt me.
I want to get with you, because you've got experience,
Oh but when I migrate, why don't you come to my defense?
Hey I'm gonna run for your love,
I'm gonna swim for your love,
I'm gonna swing for your love,
I'll run for your love,
Because the dogs and guards can't stop me from jumping your fence.
I-yah, i-yah,
Your love I can't deny,
Oh nah, nah,
No your love I can't deny,
Oh Lord,
Please help me get on in, oh,
Hola. Welcome.
Tina, on vacation from Canada
(Episode 12.21)
Wayne Brady & Chip Esten - Bruce Springsteen:
Chip: Whooooahh yeah.
Wayne: (ties a bandana)
Chip: Hoooooooo yeah.
Wayne: A vacation's what the doctor ordered,
When you made your way down across the border.
Oh yeah.
Chip: I think we're sad down here, yeah we're cryin'. Hoooo.
'Cause we got Tina, we got Colin and Ryan. Ooohh.
Tina. (Wayne: Ti-Ti, Tina)
From Canada. (Wayne: From Canada!)
Oh!
Wayne: Oh, yes, for goodness sake,
Tina is taking a break,
From being a polite Canadian.
Chip: Yeah!
The earth is shakin' 'cause you smell like bacon,
Beyond belief, this little maple leaf,
Did you bring me some syrup to put on my pancakes, Tina?
Both: Oh Tina,
Wayne: Oh Tina (Chip: Oh Tina)
Up from up north.
Both: Tina,
Wayne: Tina,
I hope you brought your passport, ohwoh
Both: Tinaaaaaaaaaaa! (Chip: Hey hey hey!)
Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Toaster
(Episode 12.11)
Ooh Lord, oh listen, to what I say,
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Yeah! (conducts) Sing!
Oh Lord, away I go,
I need my toaster, for my leggo,
Oh Lord, yes,
I need my waffles. I need waffles.
You! (points to another choir member)
Me?!
Because the Lord likes, oh likes toast.
(another member) Right now we'll have a solo. Rasheena, come on down.
(as Rasheena, doesn't want to)
Come on down!
(as Rasheena, comes down, acts nervous)
Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooh!
Hey, I love my toast,
I love my toast,
I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna brag, don't boast. Hey!
I love my toast,
I love my toast,
You heard me first time,
I love my toast.
I said it the first time,
Oh I did not stutter,
Oh give my my toast,
And both sides butter.
Hey hey! (dances)
Whooo! (puts bread in toaster)
Hey hey! (butters and eats it)
Oh yeeeah, the Lord gave me my toast.
Heeeeyaaeeaahh, heeeey! (takes a bite)
Whoooooooooooooooooo. (collapses)
Tricia the Swimming Lessons Teacher
(Episode 11.08)
Hey, baby, I want to sing to you today.
I saw you at the YMCA.
Oh, I know it could not be far,
If I was drowning, would you give me CPR?
This is my song, and my song has been sung,
You've got a real nice looking aqualung,
Oh little darling, accept this from me,
I'm going to do a little solo for my beauty from beneath the sea!
I said, (plays trumpet)
Alabazizababazizazoozas in the water,
And bozabazobazabazizazay.
Oh bozazoozoozazazazoop H2O,
Oh zoozoozatzoozoozat teach me all that you know,
Oh yeah.
Thank you so much. That was good. Let's hear it for her! Yeah!
Vernon Davis (NFL Player)
(Episode 21.08)
Okay.
Okay.
Let me tell you what's on my mind,
When you cross that touchdown line,
I'm looking at you, you see,
When you go and you make that D,
How you gonna do that with a pass,
What I go be cos you run so fast,
All I'm gonna do is see you run down the field,
That's exactly how you feel.
Oh, you look and thank your team it be so tricky,
But I worked all that ball, because my name is Nicki,
And all I gotta do because you see, ain't nobody gonna sack,
I'm a throw this you don' press this ball, because I be the quarterback.
You just throw, I catch that ball,
Run and you catch that, you won't fall,
And you fast, trouble he be,
Hey look at that, initials VD,
Don't catch that! But let me tell you,
It's essentials, what you gonna do?
I go back, you go run,
Both of us go have some fun.
Let me get you down that field, field,
Get you down that field.
I go running down that field.
Cos I'm a monster down that field.
Oh no, it's Nicki with that pigskin in my hand,
And when I want to throw this yeah the team don't understand.
You're the one. You like that. Because I know, so,
You from that place up north they call that San Francisco. (Ryan: throws a handkerchief)
Oh, it's a flag on their play,
How they gon' do this again,
I'm one of a kind,
The referee must be blind,
Goddamn out of his mind.
What? Let me take it what do I do,
Oh my goodness, it's for you,
Flag on the field, flag on the play,
I can do this this this this all day.
Alright, alright, it's okay,
Oh Jim Dandy,
I'm glad you threw this to me,
Oops, this is like my panties.
Willie Robertson (Duck Dynasty)
(Episode 21.06)
Wayne: (Mick Jagger) Yeah!
There's a man I know, his name is Willie.
He likes to call the ducks, it's kinda soundin' silly,
Cos he goes bwark just like that.
Quah-,
Quah-,
Quah.
Jeff: (Neil Diamond) When Willie was a young boy,
He liked to play with ducks.
So he took a piece of wood and drilled a hole inside,
And now he's got 14 zillion bucks. (Wayne: Yeah!)
He's got a big beard,
And a USA flag on top of his head,
And he'll be going quack, quack (Wayne: quack!), quack (Wayne: quack!),
Until he's dead. (Wayne: Til he's dead!)
Yeah that's what I said!
Wayne: Nice duck, duckin it out (Jeff: Quackety-quack!),
You like duckin', it's what it's all about, (Jeff: Tonight!),
He's tryin' to do it, it's so nasty (Jeff: Quack!)
He's the king of the Duck Dynasty,
Yo-do-do (ducks up to Willie, who is surprised)
Does it scare you?
Willie: Ah a little...
Jeff: Yo Willie, let me touch that beard.
I want to crawl inside like a beaver, and build a lodge inside your face.
I want to blow on your duck call, Willie,
I want to see ducks dropping out all over the, all over the place.
Wayne: I'm calling out to everyone,
Who loves ducks.
I'm calling out to everyone,
C'mon, it's goin out to all of you ducks,
Both: Let me hear you say, Jeff: Quack!
Audience: Quack!
Jeff: One more time, say quack!
Audience & Aisha: Quack!
Wayne: Willie by yourself say quack!
Willie: Quack!
All: Quack, quack, quack, Quaaaaaack!
Jeff: Let me hear you say quack! (runs up to audience)
Willie: Quack!
Both: Let me hear you say quack!
Willie: Quack!
Jeff: Let me hear you say quack!
Audience member: Quack!
Jeff: Perfect! Let me hear you say quack.
Aisha: Quack!
Audience member: Quack!
Jeff: So so!
Wayne & Willie: Quack! Quack! Quack!
Wayne: There's nothing wrong with... (Jeff: When Willie says...)
All: Quaaaack!
Aisha: Everybody give it up for Willie Robertson!... And to everybody that was awesome.... I thought it was well played, 500 points for the quack pun.
Jeff: Aisha, remember - "quack kills"!
Aisha: No I'm sorry what the kids are saying nowadays - "quack is whack".
Jeff: Ryan says "quack is whack, Jack".
Aisha: Ryan doesn't know what quack is. A soft bowl of oatmeal and an early bedtime...
Ryan: (mimes walker) How would you know that? .... My little soft bowl of oatmeal?