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Transcripts
Doo-wop
Anna - Cheese
(Episode 23.04) - Gary Anthony Williams, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Anna who died in a cheese-related accident
Wayne: I was hanging out with Anna, and my cousin Darryl,
All of us we were over there at the Cracker Barrel,
And then she choked on cheese, she's died, ohhh-weee,
Sometimes that's how it brie.
Gary: Anna baby, I guess heaven got its wish,
Cos now you up there, swimmin' around in Swiss,
I don't know, but you are heaven-sent,
But apparently you were horribly lactose intolerant.
Wayne: Oh, oh, oh,
Colin: Oh sweety, lived you shoulda',
But you died, that's not gouda.
All alone, how will I fare?
Without you, I camembert.
Wayne: Oh Anna (Gary: Oh Anna), please baby please, (Colin: (crying) Oh cheese!)
This is what happens when you insist, we rhyme about friggin' cheese, (Colin: Oh cheese!)
Oh you hoped, that this shit would be better,
But nope, dot dot dot, ha ha All: cheddar!
Colin: I was gonna do the grate one!
Aisha: Yeah that was great, that was just chock-full of cheese puns. Shot through like the veins in a blue.
Anna - Cheese (version 2)
(Episode 27.02) - Gary Anthony Williams, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Anna who died in a cheese-related accident
Colin: (swinging arms) Bo, ba-bo, ba-bo...
Wayne: Oh Anna, this is what I said,
I used to love her spread, on a piece of bread.
She's a chick that I will always miss,
I was her Cheese Whiz.
Gary: Anna baby, I miss you too,
You kinda remind me of cheese, by that I mean you're blue,
I hope you have such a lovely fate,
I mean our lives are pretty 'grate'.
Colin: (shakes head and says nothing - his rhyme has been taken)
Wayne & Gary: Shadum-bum-bum....
Wayne: Here comes a cheese joke!
Colin: I'm just so upset!
Wayne: Tell 'em why!
Colin: Oh Anna, you did what you please,
You used to make paintings totally out of cheese.
You drowned in cheese paint, I know it's kinda daft,
But when I think of you I'll think of arts - and Kraft.
Wayne: Oh Anna (Gary: Oh Anna), please baby please, (Colin: (crying) Oh cheese!)
This is what happens when you insist, we rhyme about friggin' cheese, (Colin: Oh cheese!)
Oh you hoped, that this shit would be better,
But nope, dot dot dot, ha ha All: cheddar!
Aisha: I never knew so many puns could be made about cheese.
Ryan: I can't believe we nailed it first time.
Aisha: Points to you for that one, sir.
Carla - Hardware Store
(Episode 23.10) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Carla who died in a hardware store-related accident
Colin: ba ba ba ba ba ba....
Wayne: Whoever you are, this song's for you.
Oh Carla (Ryan: Oh Carla!), right now I know you're a saint,
Oh Carla (Ryan: Oooh ooh), your face you did paint.
If I was not a guy that would respect her,
I guess I'd be the black who decker-her.
Ryan: Oh Carla, you died right in the lightbulb section,
That's too bad 'cause I had quite an erection.
We had some great sex, I'll have to say,
Yes Carla we had a great three way. (Wayne: Oh, oh, oh, oh!)
Colin: Oh Carla, so sweet and soft, (Wayne: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo do do do do do do...) (Ryan: A-dum... a-dum...)
'Til you carried that bag of cement and the sprinklers went off.
The cement all set you died, you hadn't planned it,
I promise that I will not take you for granite. (Wayne & Ryan: Aaahhh, aaaaah)
Wayne: Oh Carla, oh I was such a fool. (Colin & Ryan: Ba ba ba ba ba bum... etc)
Oh Carla, I treated you like a tool,
You dead, you gone, oh why'd you have to go?
All: Of all the tools, you's my favourite hoe!
Caroline - Fruit
(Episode 25.11) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Caroline who died tragically in a fruit-related accident
Wayne: Oh Caroline, you were so fine,
Caroline, picked too early from the vine.
Oh Caroline, I know that how cruel life can be,
She overdosed on her dose of Vitamin Me. (Ooh, ooh, ooh)
Ryan: Oh Caroline, she is gone,
That's why I sing this sad dead Caroline song. (Wayne: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!)
She's gone and all I can say is "oh man dammit,
I shouldn't take of you for pomegranate." (Wayne: Oh oh oh!)
Colin: We were making love, upon a bar, (Wayne & Ryan: A-doop, a-doop...)
A melon was thrown by a driving car.
You didn't make it, but for your life I was rooting,
But you were killed by a drive-by fruiting.
Wayne: Oh Caroline, Caroline I need you, (Ryan: Oooh, oooh) (Colin: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...)
Oh Caroline, how I do miss you.
Oh Caroline, you'll be mourned from here to Havana,
She choked on my All: banana!
Cory - Pet Store
(Episode 24.11) - Jeff Davis, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Cory who died in a pet store-related accident
Wayne: Oh Cory, oh baby.
Oooh-ooh, oh oh oh.
Oh Cory, I don't know if you've heard,
She worked in a pet shop, she said the job was for the birds,
Why she hated it, she had lots to do,
But I thought she liked birds, I mean she loved a cock-a-too.
Jeff: Oh Cory dear, when we first met,
You were so sweet you were my little furry pet.
You had no idea all the sadness I'd feel,
You got crushed in that hamster wheel. (Wayne: Oh, oh, oh...)
Colin: Oh Cory, you had affection, (Wayne: Ba-dum, ba-dum...) (Jeff: Oh oh oh oooh, ...)
Four dogs.....
I couldn't get away from 'erection'!
Oh Cory, killed by a dog, (Wayne: Doo doo dee doo, ...) (Jeff: Oooh, oooh, ...)
Now you're there dead, lying like a log.
You threw in the air, that wasn't the plan,
It flew and hit you, that's when the shitsu hit the fan.
Wayne: Cory, (Jeff: Cory!) Cory why'd she die, (Jeff: Oooh ooh) (Colin: Ba-da-ba-de-bop, ba-da-ba-de-bop...)
Jeff: Cory! Wayne: Cory, I'm such an unhappy guy, (Colin: You know it Cory, ba-da-da-de-bop....)
Jeff: Cory! Wayne: Cory, oh I miss her,
All: Cory, oh choked on their fur.
Colin: Never end a verse with 'affection'.
Aisha: What's that?
Colin: Never end a verse with 'affection'.
Jeff: Yeah because the only rhyme for that is 'erection'.
Colin: Well... for me it is. I couldn't go in another direction. ("Oh!" face)
Cynthia - Hockey
(Episode 21.14) - Wayne Brady, Gary Anthony Williams & Colin Mochrie sing about Cynthia who died in a hockey-related accident
Wayne: Oh oh-oh-oh, oo-oo,
Oh Cynthia, my love for you is real,
The way you'd be on the ice, you know that's how I feel,
Now I loved you more, than all of the others,
But we had to part because hockey's not played by most brothers.
Gary: Cynthia baby, you look so good, (Wayne: Eee, eee)
But you fell on the ice like I never thought you would, (Wayne: Oh oh)
Still I love you with all of my soul,
'Til you dropped down into your ice hole. (Wayne: Oh oh oh)
Colin: Oh Cynthia, I love your bum, (Wayne & Gary: Doo doo dee doo, doo doo dee doo...)
You look so lovely, I miss your thumb,
Thinking of you there, I know the feeling's not phony,
I wish you were still alive, playing with my zamboni.
Wayne: Oh Cynthia, oh that was your luck, (Gary: A-dai, da-dup...) (Colin: A-ba-ba-dee, a-ba-ba-dee..)
Oh Cynthia, you slept with the Anaheim Ducks,
Oh Cynthia, oh why,
Why did you go?
All: Why did you go?
Debbie - Meat
(Episode 27.06) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Debbie who died in a meat-related accident
Wayne: Oh Debbie, Debbie, oh how I cried,
'Cos because of meat, Debbie, she died.
Debbie, she's gone, who's gonna miss her? This guy.
She passed away, she choked on my rib eye.
Ryan: Oh Debbie, oh Debbie, she was such a thrill, (Wayne: Oh-oh-oh)
Until that day that I just happened to throw her on the grill....
(all crack up)
Colin: Ba bo ba du ma...! Wayne: Doo doo doo!
Ryan: Ooooh.... (Wayne: Here we go!)
Oh Debbie, oh Debbie, she was a thrill,
Until that day she happened to fall upon the grill.
She just did it on a dare,
Oh Debbie was medium rare. (Wayne: Oh-oh-oh)
Colin: Oh Debbie, you're the one I adore, (Wayne & Ryan: A-dum... a-dum...)
I can't believe we'll never make love any more.
Oh now you're died, I'm all alone,
I'm really gonna miss you sitting on my T-bone.
Wayne: Oh Debbie, she's gone, way beyond reasonin', (Colin: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...)
Oh Debbie (Ryan: Debbie!), doggone, you gonna miss my seasonin'.
Oh Debbie, if just we could have a lot of fun,
Because All: she liked it well done!
Harriet - Softball
(Episode 21.19) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Harriet who died in a softball-related accident
Wayne: Whoah, doo do doo, da doo...
Colin: Ba ba ba ba ba ba...
Wayne: She was a traitor, that softball player Harriet,
She turned on her team, like Judas Iscariot.
.... of the litter you were the runt,
Dot dot dot, I loved your bunt.
Ryan: Oh Harriet, we died while makin' love (Wayne: Oh!)
I guess I should've taken off my glove.
You're dead now, and that's that,
I guess she shoulda choked up on my bat. (Wayne: Ah-oh-oh oop, ba oop, ba oop...)
Colin: Yes Harriet, you were a bitch.
I didn't care because your father was so rich.
But I guess you died on the field, that's how it ends,
I guess we just learned diamonds aren't a girl's best friend.
Wayne: Oh Harriet, you're gone how can it be? (Ryan: Ah oh, ah oh...) (Colin: Ba ba ba ba ba...)
Oh Harriet, if I'd worn a glove, you wouldn't caught an STD,
Oh Harriet, Harriet,
All: Bye bye!
Wayne: You're out!
All: Ooooh!
Helga - Dairy
(Episode 22.13) - Gary Anthony Williams, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Helga who died in a dairy food-related accident
Dum, da dum, da dum, da dum.
Wayne: Oh oh oh, Helga, oh, (Colin: Ba ba ba ba ba bum)
Listen fellas! (Gary & Colin continue)
There was a girl named Helga, prettiest chick I've ever seen,
She called me her king, she was my dairy queen.
I tried to give her some of this chocolate ice cream, but no buts,
Turns out she was allergic to nuts.
Gary: Oh Helga, I never seen you I suppose, (Wayne: No no!)
I never seen that milk squirting out of your nose, (Wayne: No no no no!)
Whenever I held you, my heart went a-flutter,
'Til you was crushed by the cow 'cause you squeezed her udder (Wayne: Oh, oh, oh, oh!)
Colin: Oh Helga... oh shoot, (Gary: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo do do do do do do...) (Wayne: Sha-dum... sha-dum...)
You love me, I have one foot.
And your life, just came to a close,
I didn't know you were intolerant, to someone who lacked-toes.
Wayne: Oh Helga, did I love you? Very. (Colin: Ba bum... etc)
Oh Helga, she was with Ben & Jerry. (Gary: Helga-ah)
Oh Helga, I miss you my girl,
She died 'cause she was down with the All: swirl!
Kelly - India
(Episode 21.04) - Jeff Davis, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Kelly who died in an India-related accident
Wayne: Kelly, I've got a picture of you on my cell-y,
Oh Kelly, I loved you you'd show me your belly,
Oh Kelly, where are you now?
I treat you sacredly just like a cow.
It's not offensive, they like 'em!
Jeff: Kelly, why did you have to leave in such a hurry? (Wayne: Ooh)
We were having so much fun just nibbling on that curry. (Wayne: Dayadadai)
Then one day you had to up and die,
I get it's time for me to say Mumbai.
Wayne & Jeff: Oh oh oh...
Colin: Oh I loved you. My lovely Kelly. (Wayne & Jeff: ba da da dum, ba da da dum... etc)
Right there in the field, right in New Delhi.
A sacred cow hit you, I am so blue,
We're about to make love, now I guess you're not in the moo-d.
Wayne & Jeff: Oh Kelly, (Colin: ba ba ba dum... etc)
Jeff: She's from New Wayne & Jeff: Delhi.
Wayne: Whoah-oh-oh, Wayne & Jeff: Kelly,
Why did you go?
All: Why did you go?! (Wayne: On the Ganges!)
Linda - Plastic Surgery
(Episode 22.19) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Linda who died in a plastic surgery-related accident
Wayne: Oh Linda, oh oh oh,
Oh Linda, she's gone, her death was so drastic.
Drat you, you surgeon, she died by the hand of plastic.
He should be arrested, and made a felon,
And now in heaven she's squashing melons. Ryan: Oh Linda, in heaven, she had a little induction,
'Cause something went wrong with her liposuction.
I guess I guess I had some too, I guess that's how it goes,
'Cause now my ass is my nose.
Wayne: Oh oh oh oh...
Colin: Oh Linda, your nose job was bungled, (Wayne & Ryan: ba da da dum, ba da da dum... etc)
Why did you want it in the African jungle?
During surgery you were hit by an animal, that bastard,
Instead of a nose job you got rhino-plastered.
Wayne: Oh Linda (Ryan: Linda!) away you go,
Oh Linda (Ryan: Oh Linda!) I love you oh so,
Oh Linda (Ryan: Linda!) oh you were the best,
I'll miss your fake smile and fake chest! (Ryan & Colin: Oooh!)
Maria - Plumbing
(Episode 26.17) - Jeff Davis, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Maria who died in a plumbing-related accident
Wayne: Oh Maria, gone to your doom,
Maria (Jeff: Maria!), plumbing accident happened in the bathroom, Oh, you know, she can no longer walk,
Because I spackled it from the back, and she loves my caulk.
Jeff: Oh Maria, you've brought me so much pain (Wayne: Oh oh oh!),
I had to watch you slip right down that there drain (Wayne: Ohohoh-oh!),
I would have got you but, there was just too much hair,
Because you were always too bushy down there. (Wayne: Woah-oh-oh)
Colin: Oh Maria, what the hell, (Wayne & Jeff: Doop, da-da-da-doop, da-doop, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-doop...)
You died three weeks ago. What's that smell?
We only went out for two weeks in December,
Boy I was surprised when I saw you had a member.
Wayne: Oh Maria, I loved you, don't you feel me,,
Maria (Jeff: Maria!), you-I loved you, I, you held my squeegee,
Maria (Jeff: Maria!), you loved plumbers, you banged Mario and Luigi,
All Maria, why'd you diiieeee? Wayne: (high-pitched) Oh why'd you die? Colin: (higher-pitched) Ah woo-ti-pa-ti-tu- (Wayne silences him).
Paula - Laundry
(Episode 28.06) - Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie sing about Paula who died in a laundry-related accident
Wayne: Oh Paula.
Ryan: A-dum dooo, ah-ooh...
I miss you sweetheart.
We're thinking about you, Paula.
Oh oh, we're singing 'bout All: Pau-au-la!
Paula, she did my laundry you see,
Oh Paula, she wanted nothing but cleanliness from me.
Oh Paula, I said why oh why?
She hung herself out to dry.
Ryan: Oh Paula, she was heaven-sent,
And then she had a little laundry accident.
I didn't even have time to say goodbye,
She tumble-died.
Wayne: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Colin: Oh Paula, I love you so, (Wayne & Ryan: Oop, ba-doop, ba-doop...)
But you're dead. Oh no.
You ate detergent, that must have burned,
I guess you died 'cause the Tide had turned.
Wayne: Oh Paula, I love you like no other, (Colin: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...)
Oh Paula, tried to separate the whites and colors, (Ryan: Paula, oh Paula, I love you so...)
Oh Paula, I love you,
Why did you go?
All: Why did you gooooo? (Wayne: Somebody's gotta do my laundry!)
Aisha: That was excellent!
Ryan: Oh really?
Aisha: Ah... and also, Wayne, on behalf of women everywhere - do your own goddamn laundry!
Wayne: Ha ha ha. You guys...
Rachel - Dessert
(Episode 22.20) - Ryan Stiles, Jeff Davis & Colin Mochrie sing about Rachel who died in a dessert-related accident
Jeff: Oh Rachel, my girl (Ryan: Ooh Rachel), you were so sweet,
My favorite thing that I like to eat,
But you died when we made love, 'cause I would not stop,
You ended up with cream on top.
Ryan: Oh Rachel, you're kinda neat,
I think of you as my dessert 'cause you're so bloody sweet (Jeff: So bloody sweet!)
I cover you with syrup, I light up a cigarette,
And you go up like a flambé you bet.
Jeff: Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Colin: Oh Rachel, we made love every night,
I tried to satisfy you with all my might.
But when I left, that must have bit,
You killed yourself once my, banana split.
Ryan: Ah, ah, ah, ah...
Jeff: Oh baby you see, you'd know that it's true,
Won't you be my little cupcake, I'd like to nibble on you.
Oh Rachel you died, my life's incomplete,
All: Oh Rachel, you used to be sweet.
Ruby - Seafood
(Episode 26.16) - Ryan Stiles, Jeff Davis & Colin Mochrie sing about Ruby who died in a seafood-related accident
Jeff: Well Ruby, oh Ruby, my heart could not be sadder,
When I saw you lying there like a cold seafood platter,
Oh you're lying there cold on the corner slab,
You died when you contracted crabs.
Ryan: Oh Ruby, oh Ruby, oh what have I done,
I put some seafood, and gave it to you in a bun,
But now you're gone, I'm no longer your fella,
You died from salmon-ella! (Colin: -monella!)
Colin: Oh Ruby, you're my little oyster, (Ryan & Jeff: A-dum, a-dum....)
Just thinking of you makes me a little bit moister.
You died eating crabs, that was your last wish,
That was like you, you were so shellfish.
Jeff: Oh Ruby dear, why did you have to die,
You're gone now, oh why oh why oh why,
You're like a dead tuna, for the rest of your days,
I will mix you with....
All: Mayonnaise!
Aisha: That was sensational guys.
Colin: You seem surprised.
Aisha: Yeah cause... you made a lot out of very little.
Sarah - Vacuum
(Episode 24.14) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Sarah who died in a vacuum-related accident
Wayne: Doo-doo-doo-whoah Sarah,
Sarah Sarah Sarah. Oh Sarah.
Now Sarah, she's gone, oh god why did I lose her,
Oh Sarah got sucked away, oh by using a Hoover,
Sarah, you gone I gonna miss you, so far.
I know I told you to keep sucking, but you took it way too far.
Colin: Boom ba-boom ba-boom ba-ba-ba-ba-boom.
Wayne: Whoo-oooh-oooh.
Ryan: Oh Sarah, a lover, she wasn't a bore,
I found her dead lying on the kitchen floor. (Wayne: De-de-de-de-ooh!)
I started to cry, I didn't think that it was funny,
She choked on a big old dust bunny. (Wayne: Oh oh oh oh!)
Colin: Oh Sarah, the love of my life, (Wayne & Ryan: Ba-dum etc)
I loved you so much, you were my wife.
I am so sad, oh yes I am,
Oh god you were killed by a Hoover. Damn!
Wayne: Oh Sarah, you're the kind of girl I was happy to know,
Oh Sarah, you know, you didn't suck, I heard you could blow.
Oh Sarah, oh yeah, I miss you, why did you die?
Cos somebody's gotta do these...
All: Chores!
Shelby - Auto Repair Shop
(Episode 26.13) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Shelby who died in a auto repair shop-related accident
Wayne & Ryan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-bum, etc...
Wayne: Oh Shelby, oh it was strange,
You said goodbye and went to get your oil changed.
Oh Shelby, of lovers, you were my type,
Until she had a banana put in her tailpipe.
Ryan: Oh Shelby, oh Shelby, now that you're gone,
I'm singing you this Camp Shelby song.
I guess I'm at fault, I feel like such a rube,
I gave you too much oil and lube.
Colin: Oh Shelby, we went too far, (Wayne & Ryan: A-doop, a-doop... etc)
Making love in your luxury car.
You left the shop, hit a tree that's how it ends,
As they say that's how the Mercede(s)-Benz.
Wayne: Oh Shelby, oh that was the trick, (Ryan: Oooh, wah-ooh... etc) (Colin: Ba ba ba ba ba.... etc)
Oh Shelby, of girls you were my pick,
Oh Shelby, she died and I cried,
She died, she couldn't
All: drive sti-i-ick!
Wayne: (cracking up, to Colin) I couldn't look at your face!
Colin: Too intense?! Feelin' threatened are you?
Wayne: Colin's commitment to the "ba ba ba" is so much that it makes me laugh just by looking at him.
Aisha: Every time... it's like he's looking into your soul.
Colin: They laughed at Galileo...!
Shirley - Florist
(Episode 23.08) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Shirley who died in a floral-related accident
Wayne: Oh Shirley, I'm here sat for long,
Oh Shirley, now all my pollen is gone,
I loved you so much, girl you know what I was sayin',
She impaled herself on my pistil and my stamen.
Ryan: Oh Shirley, now you're gone,
My little flower, is all done.
You were my rose and you got so sick,
I was your stem and I killed you with my prick. (Wayne: Oh!)
Colin: Oh Shirley, you were sad with flowers, (Wayne & Ryan: A-dum, a-dum... etc)
I tried to cheer you up for hours, and hours.
You drank the stuff that killed the bugs and then you died,
They say it was an accident, but you committed insecticide.
Wayne: Oh Shirley, how can it be? (Ryan & Colin: Ba ba ba ba ba.... etc)
Oh Shirley, (Ryan: Shirley!) you now gone away from me,
Oh Shirley, you're gone, I miss you believe me,
She died because she caught an FTD-
All: -eeeeeee!
Veronica - Italian Restaurant
(Episode 21.22) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady & Colin Mochrie sing about Veronica who died in an Italian restaurant-related accident
Ryan: Oh doo doo doo.
Wayne: Oh doo doo doo. Oh doo doo doo.
Colin: Da doo da doo doo.
Ryan: Ah hoo. Ah hoo. Ah hoo.
Wayne: Ey.
Colin: Hey!
Ryan: Ah hoo.
Wayne: There was this girl, her name was Veronica,
I used to serenade her, playing my harmonica.
We used to make love, right from here to over there.
In fact she used to say it was primavera.
Ryan: Veronica (Wayne: Veronica!) I can't believe you're dead,
I used to whip you up, and throw you above my head.
I used to love you, I was so full of lust,
I'm gonna miss your cheesy crust. (Wayne: Oh-oh-oh)
Colin: Veronica, I used to rub my face in your breasts
Before you went away in your final rests.
I'm really sad, I really gotta say,
Things are so different since you pasta-way.
Wayne: Oh Veronica, that is how I feel,
I'm just layin' here like a bad piece of squidge eel,
Oh, Veronica, she's gone,
She's pasta-away.
All: Pasta-way!