Whose Line #1
The scene is "Waiting to go into an exam".
RYAN: Nervous, huh?
COLIN: Yeah, I always get nervous before exams.
RYAN: I know the feeling. I used to get nervous myself.
COLIN: Oh really? How did you stop it?
RYAN: Well, I met a wise old man who said to me...
Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!
RYAN: Then I didn't have to worry anymore!
COLIN: Well, that may work for you, but I'm still a bit nervous.
I hope I do well.
RYAN: What's your first exam?
COLIN: My math class. That course is a killer! I mean, just
yesterday my math teacher told me....
Always keep an octopus in your handbag.
COLIN: I told her that I'd been doing that for weeks but I still
wasn't learning anything.
RYAN: How much were you studying?
COLIN: Studying? You mean just having an octupus in my handbag
won't get me an A?
RYAN: It helps, but it's usually a lot more productive if you...
Elephants should not be taken internally.
Ashley "Swooner" Cook:
COLIN: But they never forget! I thought they could help me remember...
RYAN: No, my friend, you can TALK to elephants, like I do, but
don't eat them.
COLIN: You can talk to elephants?
RYAN: Yes, I speak their language...Baby Elephant Talk.
COLIN: Wow! Well, how would you say "I'm nervous about this
exam" in Elephant?
RYAN: That's easy! It's:
Don't pull the chicken stunt with me!
COLIN: You mean, like this? (proceeds to cluck like a chicken)
RYAN: Yes, You see Elephants have a thing for chickens I've
learned, its quite confusing at first, but you'll get the hang of it
COLIN: Well thanks again for the advice, I'll be sure to use
it!.. But after my Math exam, I have a German exam. I'm not *too* nervous
RYAN: Really? Why not?
COLIN: Well you see, I remember these magical words of wisdom
a German teacher once told me... I carried these words
throughout these last years of school, and they've helped me ever since.....
Are they real?
RYAN: Yes, that is very good advice. I should keep that in mind.
COLIN: Just remembering those words kept me through all of my
RYAN: I've always had problems with German exams.
COLIN: But it's so easy!
RYAN: I can't help but forget how to say, "May I please go to
the bathroom" in German!
COLIN: Oh, that's....
Never mix penguins in a blender.
RYAN: Oh yes, how could I forget that?
COLIN: Well, it's not a very easy language to learn, is it.
RYAN: No, of course it isn't... better than French, though.
COLIN: Why do you say that?
RYAN: Well, in French we were always taught translations of
useless things. Things like...
You're standing on my foot.
COLIN: Useless? How DO you say that in French?
RYAN: Je sois le el... foot.
COLIN: Well then, Je sois le el foot!
RYAN: Oh. Sorry.
COLIN: Great. I think you broke it. Now I'll have to go to the
hospital. And they'll probably say something embarassing to me,
Now that you know my plan, I'm going to have to kill you.
RYAN: It won't be tough to kill you after that!
COLIN: Shut your face!
RYAN: I'm sorry.
COLIN: Now I'm going to limp over to the..ow! Ow!
RYAN: Calm down! I remember what my Mother used to say to make
me calm down:
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
Would you like a Peanut Colada?
COLIN: Will a Peanut Colada help take the pain away?
RYAN: Only if you like Peanut colada, and getting caught in
COLIN: And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
RYAN: Is it your foot?
COLIN: No, the gun in my pocket went off! I'm going to the hospital!
RYAN: You'll miss the exam!
COLIN: Get the answers for me! (leaves)
GREG: Man, what a hard test!
RYAN: I'm taking it next. Can you tell me the answers?
GREG: Well, I think the toughest question on the exam was...
Nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
RYAN: Just tell me the answers!!
GREG: OK, The first answer was...
JOSIE: What are you doing??
GREG: Well, I definitely wasnt...
One IS the loneliest number!
GREG: staring at the discolourness of your teeth (turns away
JOSIE: I thought we were talking about the test.
GREG: Well just tell me when you stopped brushing your teeth
and we'll talk about the test
JOSIE: Your ears, there is something on them, it looks like...
My God! You're a...
GREG: An alien, I know, don't rub it in!!
RYAN: Hello? I'm still here y'know.
JOSIE: Oh, I'm in a butch men sandwich...mmm...
GREG: She's mine!
RYAN: She's mine!
GREG: What are you going to say to win over her heart?
RYAN: Well, I'd scream out...
Some songs are very very long. This one isn't.
JOSIE: I don't care that some songs are long. I just wanna see
Put on the wetsuit and cover me in trifle.
RYAN: I didn't know you thought about me that way.
JOSIE: I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about that
fat guy Mike. Yummy.
GREG: What are you two talking about, it not that strange obsession
that Ryan with...
These aren't the droids you're looking for.
JOSIE: Yes, he loves those droids like his own children.
RYAN: So? What about you, Josie, you love those little...
JOSIE: Shut up, shut up! I told you not to tell that!
GREG: What what?
RYAN: I need you to tell me something to make me shut up
JOSIE: Okay, here goes:
May I call you Phil?
RYAN: Sure just as long as I can Call you Jake
JOSIE: Okay, Phil I have a question thats kind of embarasing
RYAN: And What's that?
JOSIE: The Question Is...
It's that time of the year, folks!
RYAN: Okay, now whats the question?
JOSIE: I've gotta go and do my Science Exam now bye.
COLIN: Hey how's it going?
RYAN: Good and how are you?
COLIN: Well I'm...
You'll never take me alive!
(COLIN runs off, JOSIE enters)
JOSIE: Boy, that exam was hard!
RYAN: Really? What was the hardest question?
JOSIE: It was...
Is that a spanner I see before me?
RYAN: Really? They asked you that?
JOSIE: Yes, but there was no spanner around!
RYAN: Well, if that happened to me, i'd say...
Don't patronize me.
JOSIE: You wouldn't!
RYAN: I would!
(COLIN comes in)
COLIN: Wow! A beautiful woman came up to me and said...
In the event of a fire, the exits are located here, here and here.
RYAN: I bet that turned you on!
COLIN: It did!
JOSIE: What did you do?
COLIN: Well, i said my old dating line...
What shall we do with the drunken sailor?
COLIN: After I said that, she was all over me!
RYAN: Well, what did you do?
JOSIE: If I were her, i'd bring you close and say...
What a shining wit!
COLIN: No, I think she'd be offended. She's bald and the glare
off her head...
RYAN: We understand.
JOSIE: But remember what they saw about love.
RYAN AND COLIN: What's that?
JOSIE: The saying is...
It's not just in the desert that cactii can be useful.
JOSIE: If you know what I mean.
COLIN: I don't, but I can imagine. Say, has anyone taken the
JOSIE: I have.
COLIN: What's the instructor like?
JOSIE: Really strange. When he walked into the room, the first
thing he said to all of us was...
We have fun in Mexico.
COLIN: Mexico?? I thought it was a German exam!
JOSIE: Ya.. He told me he has been experimenting with crack
lately, and doenst really know WHAT he's saying
COLIN: Oh yes.. Mr.Rogers always seemed like a crack addict
RYAN: Hey guys keep quiet! I'm his dealer.. He told me yesterday
that he will let us all pass if I can get him a good deal.
COLIN: Then what are you waiting for?!
RYAN: Nothing.. All we have to do is go up to him after class
and say this line, which is a line from a favorite childhood song of his...
Put down that mango before you hurt someone.
COLIN: Oh yeah, I remember that song... a real classic.
JOSIE: And if we tell him that, he'll get it to us cheap?
RYAN: Oh yeah. The guy's a genius. Lots of experience too.
COLIN: At drug dealing?
RYAN: Well, yeah, that and advertising. He came up with that
great ad campaign.
JOSIE: Which one?
RYAN: You know, the one that goes...
This is another great idea from the people who brought you 'beer