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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Song Styles & Duet (UK)

See also Song Styles & Duets (US)

Alison the Court Clerk - Broadway Love Song
Andy the Account Manager - Big Musical Love Song
Angela from the Video Shop - Musical-end Love Song
Anna the Nurse - Upbeat Jolly Love Song
Ashley the Astronomy Student - Barry White
Banana - Rock & Roll
Banana (2) - American Folk Song
Barbara the Actress - Modern Pop Love Ballad Duet
Beached Whale - Duet Love Song
Brendan Gibbs the Policeman - Sondheim
Cat Litter Tray - Duet
Catherine the Secretary - Love Song
Cheese Grater - Boogie Woogie / Kurt Weill
Coal - Grunge
Crackers - Jazz / Swiss Yodelling / Music Hall Duet
Deanna the Teacher from Canada - Sammy Davis Jr./Dean Martin Swing Duet
Dentist - Blues Duet
Drew the Stripper - Love Song
Electric Drill - Jamaican Reggae / Heavy Metal
Fish Slice - Ballad love song
Fish Slice (2) - Hymn
Food Processor - Rock & Roll / Spanish Flamenco
Food Processor (2) - Love Duet
Glasses - Country & Western
Hose Pipe/Garden Hose - Blues / Edith Piaf
Ironing Board - Reggae / Leonard Cohen
Ironing Board (2) - Jazz
Lawn Strimmer - Irish Jig
Lemon Squeezer - Heavy Metal / Bob Dylan folk song
Lemon Squeezer (2) - Lloyd Webber Duet
Little Red Triangle - German Drinking Song
Mark the Bank Manager - Love Song
Microwave - Frank Sinatra / Opera
Mop - Cocktail Lounge Jazz Ballad
Mouldy Tomato - Calypso
Old Boiler - Early Rock & Roll Duet
On The M25 - Heavy Metal
Paperweight - Love Duet
Pauline the Car Saleswoman - Britpop
Refrigerator - Country
Rubber Duck - Calypso
Rubber Duck - Punk Rock with a hint of Gregorian Chant
Shears/Secateurs - Love Song
Sink Plunger - Motown
Snail - Drunken Auntie
Soap - MGM Musical
Spanner - Blues Duet
Spatula - Jazz / Sting
Stapler - Irish Jig / Soul
Stapler - Love Song/Ballad Duet
Subways - Madonna
Suitcase - Torch Song
Telephone - Sondheim / Reggae
Television - Heavy Metal / Folk
Television Set - Eurovision Song Contest
Toaster - Gospel / Motown
Toothbrush - Gospel
Train Set - Disco
Underwear - Disco
Washing Machine - Country & Western / Music Hall
Yvette the Receptionist - Reggae


Alison the Court Clerk

(Episode 6.08)

Chip Esten - Broadway Love Song:
I made an infraction, a tiny tort.
And so I had to spend my day there in court.
But there's no reason, for me to worry,
'Cause Alison's sitting right there by the jury.
I am so glad, that's where I went,
Because the judge told me that I was innocent.
I think I'll go, out on a date,
With Alison, my court clerk, she's so great!


Andy the Accounts Mananger

(Episode 9.11) - Accounts manager at a fruit machine firm

Josie Lawrence - Big Musical Love Song:
I love my man's soul, I love everything that he's got,
I want him to get his change out and put his coin right in my slot,
There's something about his curly hair that makes me feel fine and dandy,
And you know what my boy is called, he's called Andyyyyyy. Well one day we're gonna get married and he's gonna wear a suit,
And together just like the fruit machines we're gonna make a lot of fruit,
Cause I love him so, I love him so, I'll get down on my knees,
And say "Andy, come on and touch my machine, and give my lemons a squeeze."
There's something about him that makes me feel fine and dandy,
Yes you guessed it, his wonderful name is Andyyyy.
Andyyyyy!
Aaandyyyyyyahh.


Angela from the Video Shop

(Episode 9.15)

Brad Sherwood - Musical-end Love Song:
I went to the video store to meet Angie,
We were gonna go on a rafting trip down the Ganges.
I started singing this little song,
And she said, "Why don't we bring some porno videos along?".
I said, "Hey there, Angie, that would be kinda callous!",
She said, "Let's bring some naked Spice Girls and Debbie Does Dallas!".
I said, "No I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of guy!",
She said, "Well I also have some gay videos, so give those a try."


Anna the Nurse

(Episode 9.06)

Brad Sherwood - Upbeat Jolly Love Song:
Anna would you be my nurse?,
I feel that I'm getting much worse.
Anna, I will be your man,
If you just do my prostate exam.
You touch me in places where no-one dares to touch,
It is so kinky that people are starting to think we are Dutch.
'Cause it's strange(?), you change my blood pressure,
And I'm smiling just like a cat whose name is Chesire.
Oh Anna, help me please,
'Cause I'm dying of this disease!
It's called love.
Grab your rubber glove.
Give your thumb a sho-ove!


Ashley the Astronomy Student

(Episode 10.04)

Wayne Brady - Barry White:
I've seen lots of women like you hangin' round in bars,
But never have I met a woman who likes to study stars.
Let me tell you something, I want you to look at me,
I want to touch you on your constellation Ashley.
Oooh.
Ashley, a love of you may not be prudent,
But Ashley, I heard you are a good student.
I want to let you know, you're right beyond my reach,
And I've got a couple of stars that I want you to teach.
Whooaaah, Ashley. Huh! Ashley. Yeah baby.
I dig you Ashley.
All the way from your Orion's Belt, to your big dipper.
That's right baby.
And you make me kinda crazy,
Every time I see ya standing there, Ashley. Huh.
I just wanna spank ya, ow!
I just wanna thank ya,
For letting me orbit you Ashley,
Ashley.
Whooooooooo!

Clive: Oh dear... oh dear... I've never seen anybody look so shellshocked in my life! But we all enjoyed it, so Ashley goes into a ten point lead.


Banana

(Episode 3.05)

Mike McShane - Rock & Roll:
Clive: Have you heard of rock and roll? Done those a million times?
Mike: Why yes, Clive. Though I wear a suit and tie, I do have a funky underpinning.
Clive: Well get your funky underpinning out, Mike, and away you go.
Mike: I love food, I love a picnic, I can swing with almost anything,
Got his cheese, easy to please, but one fruit really makes me sing.
It's yellow and long, not too strong,
This is the banana, the banana song.
They say monkeys, well they love 'em,
They just can't get enough of 'em,
But I'm a primate, number one,
Me and that little yellow fruit gonna have a lot of fun,
I open the hamper, I peel it down,
I want some nana all over town.


Banana (2)

(Episode 3.09)

Mike McShane - American Folk Song:
Here's a little song we used to sing on the protest marches.
There was a union banana,
A regular banana, just one of the bunch.
'fore another fruit company came up and said "Mr Banana, can't you see,
I'm gonna eat you for lunch".
He said, "No, I'm a banana of the people.
You can have me, you can't have my soul.
You can take the insides, and just leave the peel,
But I'm the one who still has the control."


Barbara the Actress

(Episode 10.01)

Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady - Modern Pop Love Ballad:
Brad: Barbara! (Wayne: Barbara!)
I don't mean to be obscene. (Wayne: No no no, not obscene!)
But Barbara,
You should be on the cinema screen!
Wayne: Whoah! Barbara, your talents are no slouch,
Why don't you accompany me to the casting couch?
Oh Barbara, let me take you,
To the movies!
To the movies!
To the oooohhhhh!
Barbara!
Brad: Barbara (Wayne: Oh Barbara!), it's true.
'Cause I'm gonna do that too.
To you (Wayne: To the movies, to you!)
To get you in the movies!
Wayne: Movies! (zips up pants) Whheeeeee!


Beached Whale

(Episode 7.09)

Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin - Duet Love Song:
Caroline: Look at the sea! (Josie: Look at the sea!)
Then look at me.
Look at the sky! (Josie: Look at the sky!)
And then see the love in my eye.
Josie: Once our love had its freedom, (Caroline: Hmmm mmm)
Through the sea it did sail, (Caroline: Yes it did!)
Then those that hated us wanted us washed up,
On the beach,
Both: Just like a beached whale!
Josie: But we can be lying on this beach,
And we really don't care. (Caroline: We just don't care!)
Our love may be like a beached whale,
And we may be running out of air!
Caroline: But our love's big! (Josie: Big!)
Oh, so big! (Josie: Oh so big!)
Josie: Like a whale!
Caroline: Bigger than a whale!
Josie: Bigger than a whale!
Caroline: Bigger than a whale!
Josie: Bigger than a whale!
Caroline: Our love is bigger!
Josie: Bigger!
Both: Bigger than a wha-a-aaaaale!


Brendan Gibbs the Policeman

(Episode 9.12)

Josie Lawrence - Sondheim:
When I look at you my heart starts to wail, Brendan,
You could take me to jail, Brendan,
Any kind of day,
That's what I say.
When I look at you, I think His Nibs,
I just wanna be Mrs Gibbs today.
So look at me Brendan, please don't stop,
You know that you're my favourite cop.
I used to love others, but what the hell with it,
All I want to do is touch your shiny helmet,
Brendan.
Brendan!
Kiss me Brendan kiss me, please don't stop-ah,
Oooh I love you you're my favourite copper.
Oh, when you leave I'm so bereft,
Sometimes I think I'll just do a theft,
So you'll come to me.
Put me in handcuffs, treat me rough Brendan,
Oh, take me to prison.
I'll be your prisoner.
I love you,
And down the river of love I will wenden,
For you Brendan!


Cat Litter Tray

(Episode 6.02)

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence - Duet:
Mike: I want to show you something.
Josie: What?
Mike: Come into the hallway, look what she did.
Josie: That's beautiful.
Mike: Isn't it great? You know, you and I are perfect 'cause we're such cat lovers. We love everything about cats.
Josie: Everything.
Mike: I love watching them squat on the edge of the tray, all day.
Josie: I love watching them do their little brown poo.
Mike: Who ever thought, that feline defecation,
Could be such a swell and singular sensation?
Josie: Who ever thought that our love would glitter,
Just standing here looking at shit in cat litter?
Mike: Litter our lives with love, but don't cover it up. (Josie: Don't cover it up!)
Josie: Litter our lives with love, and don't ever stop. (Mike: Don't ever stop!)
I love you, and that is that,
Just like the poo from our favorite cat.
Mike: Litter our lives,
Both: With love!


Catherine the Secretary

(Episode 8.09)

Niall Ashdown - Love Song:
Oh yeah, hmm hmm hmm.
Oh Catherine, you're the best girl in the land,
Even though you've only got a shorthand.
Yeah, Catherine, you're the best in the nation,
I love it when you take my dic - tation.
When I kiss you, it's like chewing toffee,
I feel so good when you bring in my coffee.
Some look at you and they say, "she's a dead loss",
But I know you're different, and I'm your boss.
Come over here, and give me one now.
I want to do it to you, again and again,
Come on and squeeze all the ink out of my fountain pen.
Oh Catherine,
I want you now.


Cheese Grater

(Episode 2.08)

Mike McShane - Boogie Woogie:
I got a cheese grater, it really works so fine,
I'm grating my fromage from the morning until nine,
I mix it in the pot, and Lord it tastes so divine.
I said grate, baby, grate,
I said grate, grate, grate.
Oh, working on down from the (angelair?),
To the big thick slab, I just don't care.
I can't get enough of that cheesy stuff,
Well I'm working on the grater so nothing gets tough.
Huh, huh, huh.
Huh, huh, huh.
I said grate.

Josie Lawrence - Kurt Weill:
We are living now in a political state.
They use us like cheese, which they please, and they just grate.
They tear us into shreds, here comes the shredder,
And here we stand like lumps of cheddar.
I really hate this world,
I hate the powers of the state,
Who want to grate me.
I am what I am,
No more will they turn me into parmesan.


Coal

(Episode 6.10)

Mike McShane - Grunge:
Clive: Are you up to date on grunge?
Mike: Grunge
Clive: You're dressed for it... I don't know... I don't know what it means. We're happy with grunge are we?
Mike: Yeah..
It's time in the cellar again,
I spend time in the cellar, my friend.
It ain't bad, well you know it's alright,
I've got a chunk of anthracite.
Yeah, anthracite! All night!
Anthracite! My delight!
You know I'm all alone, you can't come with me,
You don't have to touch me, you, but you can kiss me.
And I'll rub coal all over you Jack,
We'll be smelly and oily and black,
With anthracite!
Anthracite!
It's my heart's delight!


Crackers

(Episode 2.07)

Mike McShane - Jazz:
Hey pull the string on the cracker,
Jump back Jack, it's a fire cracker,
It's gonna rip open, got a prize,
There's gonna be a great big surprise,
In that cracker.
Whoah, yeah, in the cracker.
It's so slick with string around,
You pull it off and it goes to ground,
And you got the toys on the ground,
And there they are with crackers open wide,
Way inside.
I love that cracker thing,
And I get that cracker baby, and then I'll sing,
I'll do the cracker move now.
(dances)
When you get under the tree,
And you see that cracker, one, two, three,
You take it by both ends,
And then my friend,
You pull it hard, it blows right up,
You burn your fingers, scorch your face,
But you can't beat it any place.
You get that cracker,
Jazz Cracker.
Jazz Cracker.

Josie Lawrence - Swiss Yodelling:
Running running running in the snow,
Everything is froze, even the fountain.
But merrily merrily merrily, merrily I go-ho,
Up to the top of the mountain.
Let's stand on under the mistletoe,
You can give me a great big smacker.
Come on darling, see what I've got,
Come on pull my cracker.
And it goes yodeledel yodeledel yodeledel yodeledel,
Yodeledel yo hi ho,
Yodeledel yo hi ho,
Yodeledel yo go go.
And inside there's a plastic toy,
And a bo-o-o-o-ho!.
And a liddledeledeledeledeledeledeledeledeledel ho!

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence - Music Hall:
(Mike trips over on his way down)
Mike: I was overwhelmed by the song.
Clive: The set was overwhelmed by you!
Mike: Hello my darling.
Josie: Hello dear. Come on now, it's Christmas time.
Mike: I have got a present for you.
Josie: Oh, let me see it, do! Ooh!
Mike: I've got a mighty big cracker,
Pull on the end and it'll pop.
When you yank on my cracker,
It goes pop, pop.
Josie: Oh darling, there's nothing you lack.
No, nothing sir, you lack-er.
So come, come, we'll have lots of fun,
Pulling lots of crackers.
Mike: Grab one end, I'll yank it this way,
And look what fell on the floor.
Josie: A little toy of plastic!
Mike: That's all I could afford! (Josie: Could afford!)
Josie: Let's read the joke inside,
I say, I say, I say!
What made the chicken a-cross-a the road?
Mike: Because it's completely gay!


Deanna the Teacher from Canada

(Episode 10.08)

Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady - Sammy Davis Jr/Dean Martin Swing:
Brad: Lately my life has been out of order,
Till I went to the north of the border,
To Canada.
Wayne: It's kind of nuts, there's not too much that I can ever say,
How do they say it, "What's goin' on, eh?"
Cat?
Brad: Deanna, (Wayne: Skoodidoo na na na)
I am a man-a,
Gonna love you.
Wayne: It doesn't matter, if you're not that busty,
I can show you bores, and show you my husky!
Diana.
Brad: Deanna.
Wayne: That's right, that's Deanna not Diana, that's what I mean!
Brad: (to Wayne) Always hitting the sauce.
But Deanna, take to the breacher,
'Cause you're my favourite teacher,
I'd love to meet ya,
I promise I will never beat ya!
Wayne: I love Saskatchewan,
Ooh if man could find love,
Can move-er for Canada, oh Deanna you're the one.


Dentist

(Episode 3.02)

Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane - Blues Duet:
Mike: I got an ache, it hurts so much,
I think it's an abcess, oh I'm afraid to touch.
Doctor, doctor, why don't you pull my tooth, (Josie: I'll pull your tooth, baby!)
I shoulda taken better better hygeine when I was but a callow youth.
Josie: Well baby, don't you worry honey, come inside,
Give me your mouth and open wide.
Oh oh oh, now give me some,
You're not taking care of your gums.
Ooh I got a lot of soul - a,
Come on baby, let's pull your molar.


Drew the Stripper

(Episode 7.01)

Niall Ashdown - Love Song:
Hey, Saturday night I didn't have a clue where to go.
So I picked up my shoes and I toddled off down to Soho.
I paid my two pounds so I could have a peep,
Thought that I'd be there ten minutes and I would go to sleep.
But I saw you! Drew!
I saw you!
Drew, I saw you,
I wasn't blue, and now I am through,
'Cause I saw you.
Butt naked.
Butt naked.
Without any clothes on.
Very bare indeed.
And tassles just here.
And shiny pants, I was in a trance.
Oh, won't you dance with me,
I'll dance with you.
My Drew!


Electric Drill

(Episode 3.04)

Mike McShane - Jamaican Reggae:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh, hey, hey, yeah.
I'm a guy to D.I.Y.,
Behind a desk till the day I die.
I shop around for the things I like for a thrill.
There's a lot of wood polishers,
And hyper-uthane goloshes,
But the thing that moves me most is my electric drill.
I've got electric drill at home,
I drill all through the night, and I roam,
The streets with my drill,
Looking for a chicken to kill.
I like drilling poultry, it's lots of fun,
When I drill a fat chicken, my mind comes undone.
Cluck cluck, drill drill,
Oh what a thrill.

Josie Lawrence - Heavy Metal:
Oooooh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, baby, baby, you really tear me apart.
Your love is chilling, 'cause you be drilling, a hole inside my heart.
Oh baby, with you I have no thrill.
Come on baby, screw onto this drill.
Now, now, baby, you know how, and there's no confusin',
But baby, baby, I'm feeling down, about the holes you're putting your screws in.
Oh baby, baby, baby, you're making me feel ill.
Some come on baby, keep adjustin' me, I need your electric drill.


Fish Slice

(Episode 2.13)

Josie Lawrence - Ballad Love Song:
All on my own, life's not been good,
But with you I feel so nice.
A blade of metal, and a handle of wood,
You are my very own fish slice.
I love you, I love you, down to my very bones.
When you bone out the fish,
It's my only wish,
That you're gonna stay a slicer,
And be nicer to me.


Fish Slice (2)

(Episode 2.16)

Josie Lawrence - Hymn:
Living in the sea,
I am much better in than out,
Because O Lord you see,
I happen to be a trout.
Many fish are stupid Lord,
But I am much wiser.
I make it a good deed,
To go nowhere near the fish slicer.


Food Processor

(Episode 2.04)

Mike McShane - Rock & Roll:
Hey-up, a hey-up.
Got a cuisine on, it's ready to grate,
And I make the food a-taste really great.
I chop and I blend, I whirl and I puree,
Yeah, you (.....?)
I can't get enough of the (digresenade?)
I love whipping up with the big (reesenad?)
Go, go, rao rao rao.
Go, go, chh chh chh.
Go, go, brrrrrrrrrr.
Go, go, G-g-g-g-g-g-g.
Turn it on, grate, don't be late,
Baby I got egg whizz and I'm goin' on a date.

Josie Lawrence - Spanish Flamenco:
Zis is a little song we sing in my willage.
He was my favourite confessor,
He came to me with a gift, he gave me a food processor.
I looked into his eyes,
And I was liquidized.
He treated me like food,
He chewed,
Me up and spat me,
Oooouttt.


Food Processor (2)

(Episode 2.16)

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence - Love Duet:
Mike: You know, we've been married now 20 years. I wrote a little song for you, and you know part of it too, so...
When we first met, my heart was so full of love. (Josie: Oh, I know.)
When we first met, it was like heaven above. (Josie: Oooh.)
I've met many women (Josie: Oh I know you have!)
And I know how to (tresser?),
But you baby, you're my love food processor.
Josie: Oh you know, I've been all around this land.
Every food I tasted was bland.
But you make my food taste so sweet.
Ooh I can't love you any lesser,
You're my food processor.
Mike: You and I are like two ingredients, (Josie: Oh, yeah.)
Like olives and oil. (Josie: Olives and oil.)
We put 'em in the blender, (Josie: Yeah.)
They work together and they toil. (Josie: Oh, toil.)
And every time I see you at night, (Josie: I know.)
I wake up and I say, (Josie: What do you say?)
I say baby, you're my chocolate almond puree. (Josie: Oooh!)
Josie: You're my food processor,
I love you, I do,
I love you.
Josie & Mike: I love you!


Glasses

(Episode 3.12)

Mike McShane - Country & Western:
Hello everybody. I'd like to sing a song about something that caused me a lot of pain and pleasure in my life.
In North Dakota, it's cold and lonely this year,
I'm alone again in my cabin, I do fear.
I've got no friends, I've got no life,
Just a pair of glasses that I call my wife.
I found my wife in a store,
Sitting next to hundreds of wife more.
One thing to say about a woman who's a pair of glasses,
They look real good and they appeal to the masses.
You don't think I was going to say that, Jimmy-Joe? No.


Hose Pipe/Garden Hose

(Episode 2.01)

Mike McShane - Blues:
Clive: I think, of the three that came out, I think hose pipe has the most potential.
Mike: A hose pipe as in...?
Clive: You don't have hose pipes in America?
Josie: Like a garden hose pipe.
Mike: A hose, a garden hose.
Clive: Sorry, we're having simultaneous translation.
Mike: The delegate from Bulgaria - iz hord, iz a hosepipe in ya!
Clive: I'm sure Elvis Presley used to have one... 'cause he had a very big garden, I understand...
Mike: Clive, it's not the size of the hose, it's how much water you can pass through that baby!
Clive: Well, that's Night Thoughts for this week. Now, could we have a suggestion for a style or type of song?...

Mike: I've got a garden, in my backyard,
All the dirt is packed, Lord it's mighty hard.
But I get out there, with a big old hose,
And I lay down the liquid, and Lord goodness knows,
The ground it gets wet, and it starts to shake,
And then the loose seeds and flowers they start to make.
I can't get enough of pottering round the yard,
You know I feel so damn good, it gets me hard.
You know my garden is a way to be,
Just turn on the pipe, grab the hose and shake it out 1 2 3,
If you want to get in there, and work me, goodness knows,
Well baby come on over, and remember to bring your hose.

Josie Lawrence - Edith Piaf:
I have worked around these streets, for many years,
Now you see me, I am alone, crying tears, lots of tears.
Oh, my life has been hard, one followed by another swipe,
My tears are falling, me eyes are like a hosepipe.
Pouring out, see them spout,
Why am I always so sad?
Oh I have lots of regrets,
But my face is always wet.
Oh why did you go away,
Jose?


Ironing Board

(Episode 2.02)

Josie Lawrence - Reggae:
Don't do it baby, don't do that,
Don't put me on the ironing board and leave me flat.
Don't do it baby.
Oh I bought an ironing board just the other day,
I was quite overawed with the price I had to pay,
For the ironing board, oh-oh,
For the ironing board.
I tried to unfold it, but it wouldn't move,
I was checkin' it out, I was gettin' in the groove.
I tried the ironing board this and then the other way,
But me ironing board it would not budge, and this is all I say,
It was jammin'.
Me ironing board was jammin'.

John Sessions - Leonard Cohen:
I woke up one morning, with an ironing board on my head.
My wife, didn't understand or realise, that she'd meant to iron my shirts and my Y-fronts instead.
I'm tedious, I'm boring, my voice drives you up the wall,
But let's face it, let's face it, I'm from Montreal.


Ironing Board (2)

(Episode 2.17)

Josie Lawrence - Jazz:
Zzzaaa, zeeeb, zaaab, zib.
Gonna tell you a little story babies, here is your reward,
Gonna tell you about the finest ever super duper ironing board.
It is the greatest story, the greatest story ever told,
This ironing board was very difficult to unfold.
But it got all the creases out of my shirt,
I'm telling you the truth baby, I don't give you dirt.
Everybody, everybody, jump on my rocket ship,
Get on board, let's do the jazzy ironing ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-do-da,
I-I-I-I-I-I-Ironing, Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-do-de-da-de, oh!


Lawn Strimmer

(Episode 5.02)

Josie Lawrence - Irish Jig:
Going to tell you a tale, so listen now to me,
Of the grass that grew round the edges, oh so raggedly.
I was working in my garden, then I was much slimmer,
But I had an implement and it was called a dimmer.
With a hey nonny no, and a hey nonny nee,
And a put that strimmer ho.
And a hey nonny nee, and a hey nonny nee,
And then go and have a mow.
Well I was working in my garden one day,
I hadn't got my strimmer, I didn't know what to say,
It was electric, but really quite a sin,
'Cause although I had a strimmer I had nowhere to plug it in.


Lemon Squeezer

(Episode 2.11)

Mike McShane - Heavy Metal:
This one's for all you citrus lovers out there! (air guitars)
Lemons, I got lemons, I got more lemons than I need,
I squeeze 'em, and I tease 'em, 'cause I love to watch the lemons bleed.
I can't stop juicing when I put it in my hand,
I squeeze those lemons like (my bottle's on the gland?)
Got the lemonade, know you're gonna love it,
'Cause if you don't like lemons, ooh, shove it!

Josie Lawrence - Bob Dylan Folk Song:
I am a lonely girl and I do as I please,
You treat me like a fruit, come on and give me a squeeze,
Come on now, put your dainty hand upon my hip,
And squeeze me, until you see my pips.
Oh, come on, I'm not of use,
Turn me into lemon juice,
Don't be such a teaser.
Oh you know I love you, none better,
Although my juice is slightly bitter,
You are my favourite lemon squeezer.


Lemon Squeezer (2)

(Episode 2.17)

Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane - Lloyd Webber Duet:
Josie: You treat me bad, and bring me down on my knees,
Why do you squeeze,
Me hard?
Mike: Like a lemon, you are radiant, (Josie: Radiant!)
And I want to juice you so. (Josie: Oooh!)
Like a lemon (Josie: Like a lemon!)
Let us squeeze the love out of each other.
Josie: Let us squeeze me, please me.
Mike: Till all that's left is a pulp. (Josie: Pulp!)
Like a lemon, (Josie: Like a lemon!)
We can please each other. (Josie: We can please each other!)
Till nothing's left,
But the zest of our love.
Mike & Josie: The zest of our love!


Little Red Triangle (in the boot of a car)

(Episode 7.02)

Mike McShane - German Drinking Song:
I love my little red triangle.
I like to watch it dangle,
From my shift, my balls, I like to see it,
Go Shoo boom, Shoo ba boom.
I have a little Volvo,
And it start to revolvo,
I slap myself silly.
(slaps his thighs, etc.)
Ooh!


Mark the Bank Manager

(Episode 8.05)

Niall Ashdown - Love Song:
Oh yeah.
Well my statement came through the door, and I just laughed,
I had a 5000 pound overdraft.
I couldn't believe that amount,
I'd wasted all the money in my current account.
So I went straight down to the bank.
Saw a man called Mark who was mysterious and dank.
But his eyes looked to me, he said "That's fine,
My telephone number's 34519",
And we've been going out together since.
And the way he makes love, it really makes me wince.
Yeah.


Microwave

(Episode 3.13)

Jim Meskimen - Frank Sinatra:
(clicks fingers all through song)
It only takes a couple of seconds for you to get me steamed up,
It doesn't take very long at all you know.
(??? - line missing)
A little bell will tell you so.
(??? - line missing)
But I know it ain't necessarily so.
I won't wear no metal, no not a thing,
My how you make, my how you make my coils glow.
Make my coils glow. (makes beeping noise)

Christopher Smith - Opera:
I've been spinning round with you for quite some time, my dear.
I've been going round with you for quite some time, my dear.
When with you, and you and I are through,
You and I my dear must carousel,
We're travelling on the carousel.
And as we fly we cook on through,
From centre out that's how they do.
That's microwaving you and me shall do,
My darling microchef.
My darling microchef.
My darling microoooooooooooooooooo-chef.


Mop - Cocktail Lounge Jazz Ballad

(Episode 6.11)

Josie Lawrence - Cocktail Lounge Jazz Ballad:
I remember this one Richie.
Do, do, do, do mop with me.
Wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me.
Get the floor nice and wet, and don't forget.
Do, do, do, do mop with me.
Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me.
This is a love that I won't swap,
Because you know you're my favourite kind of mop.


Mouldy Tomato - Calypso

(Episode 3.03)

Mike McShane - Calypso:
Clive: About a mouldy potato. Uh, tomato. You say potato, I say tomato. Lets....
Mike: Forget it.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaahh,
I got a refrigerator full of vegetables,
Most of them fresh, but one little baby that's inedible.
It's my little tomato, I love it so much,
It squeezes and wheezes when I give it a touch,
It's mouldier and mouldier,
I love my tomato.


Old Boiler Duet

(Episode 6.07) - Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane.

Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane - Early Rock & Roll:
Clive: Early rock and roll, an old boiler.
Mike: Early rock and roll, what, before this point in your hairline, or this point, ...
Clive: Just, ah...
Mike: It's sort of like a secoiya(?), with a like chart, you know...
Clive: That's right. Just when it caught up to yours, Mike!
Mike: Whoah!
Clive: Okay. Away you go, and it's old boiler.

Josie: O oh oh!
Well come on, little baby, you know what I mean,
Come on, let me see you let off steam.
You're my old boiler, you're what I like,
Come on baby, now take a hike.
Everybody's doing the old boiler,
So come on and do it with me!
Mike: Wow, you know you've got me up-a in the air,
I'm all pumpin steam like I don't care.
I start to choke and I start to boil,
I got me going. I'm a ruggin'(?) toil.
Oh baby, you got what I need,
When you get near me baby I'll turn up the heat!


"On the M25"

(Episode 4.06) - Josie sings a Heavy Metal song, starting with "On the M25" and ending with "Who stole my sausages?".

Josie Lawrence - Heavy Metal:
On the M25,
I though I'd stay alive,
My baby and me we jived,
We jived down the road.
And all around the houses,
There was me with a savaloy down my trousers,
I loosed up with her as we drove through the villages,
But suddenly I looked down and said "Hey girl, who stole my sausages?".


Paperweight

(Episode 5.05)

Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane - Love Duet:
Josie: Ooohooohoo, whoo hoooo, yeah I love you!
Mike: I love you baby, I got a present for you!
Our love is so heavy, so heavy I can't wait,
To tell you how I feel about you so I give you this paperweight.
Josie: Well I love you baby, I love you, and I think I know your caper,
Come on baby, put your weight on me and treat me just like paper!
Mike: You're gonna fly away, (Josie: Away!)
Unless you have some weight on you. (Josie: Weight on me!)
I'm the weight you've been looking for,
And I know just what to do!
Josie: Oh baby, you never make me sad, never make me frown,
You will never weigh me down.
I love you and it's not too late,
For my lovin' paperweight. (Mike: Paperweight!)
You're my paperweight. (Mike: My paperweight!)
Both: You're my paperweight.


Pauline the Car Saleswoman

(Episode 9.11)

Brad Sherwood - Britpop:
Clive: So Pauline, you can throw in Edinburgh if you want, and she sells cars. So, and can you do a sort of a Britpop song? You been in the country long enough, heard enough Britpop?
Brad: I've been watching Eastenders.
Clive: Oh great, jolly good. Britpop song from Brad, take it away.
Brad: I just made the scene,
With a girl whose name was Pauline.
She took me to those special places,
We even went to see Oasis but,
She threw me in her car and,
The car did not get far and,
She said she had to lube,
So we took the tube,
If you know, what I meeaan,
Pauliiine.
Oh whoah whoah Pauliiine,
In your driving machine, Pauline.


Refrigerator

(Episode 3.17)

Josie Lawrence - Country:
If you're feeling hot and tired, and you start to wear a frown,
Then step inside me baby, I'm your Frigidaire, and I'll sure cool you down.
Oh baby, baby, I love you, so you're the one that I adore,
But if you step inside this Frigidaire baby, then you won't get out no more.
Baby, baby, baby, I love you don't you see,
Yes baby I spell out the word I - C - E.


Rubber Duck

(Episode 3.01)

Josie Lawrence - Calypso:
Clive: Away you go. Calypso. Can you do that?
Josie: I'll try for you, Clive.
Clive: No, just do the song.
Josie: Ooh, going to have it on the organ, apparently.
Clive: Where else?
Josie: Electric calypso, whoo whoo.
Come on everybody, come on everybody,
We're going to have a laugh.
Come on everybody, come on everybody,
Come share with me a bath.
When we're splishing and a-splashing with a rubber duck,
When we're splishing and a-splashing with a rubber duck,
Ooh rub me loofa on me back,
See the rubber duck going quack quack quack.
Oh, oh, oh get rid of the muck,
There's so much you can do with a rubber duck.


Rubber Duck (2)

(Episode 3.09)

Josie Lawrence - Punk Rock with a hint of Gregorian Chant:
(Gregorian Chant)
I am going to sing a punk rock song now,
I hope I do it good.

If some people say to me "Get Out", I say pull the other,
Because my costume is totally made out of rubber,
I'm a duck.
Oh, I'm a duck.
Oh put me in your bathroom, I will make it gloomy,
And don't forget,
I like it wet,
Because I'm a punk and I'm really hard,
Yes, I'm a rubber mallard.
Yes, I'm a duck.


Shears/Secateurs

(Episode 5.09)

Josie Lawrence - Love Song:
I'm sitting here in the gloom,
I once was a bright shining bloom.
I love you, heaven knows,
But you're making me die like a dying rose.
I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of tears.
Secateurs.
Oh baby, I love you dear,
When you cut you cut so shear,
Come on baby, I'm over the moon,
Take out your shears and give me a prune.
Baby, baby, I love you so,
Cut me back closely and watch me grow.
I'll love you for many years,
My darling secateurs.


Sink Plunger

(Episode 2.10)

Mike McShane - Motown:
I'm a plumber, and you know,
I've got a sink that's so,
Clogged up that algae grows out of it.
I've got my plunger, and I plunge,
Lean forward, and I lunge,
Clean out every bit.
Oh oh, I love my plunger, it's my favourite tool, (spins around)
I love my plunger, and I'm no fool,
But everybody ought to have one of their own,
A plunger they can love and take home.


Snail

(Episode 5.06)

Josie Lawrence - Drunken Auntie:
I know the words, I know the words!
Come on everybody, let's be merry,
Come on everybody, let's dance.
In the North they eat sausages,
But they only eat snails in France.
I don't like to eat a snail,
It really makes me sick,
But I quite like them if you boil them in butter,
And add a little bit of garlic, oh-ohh!


Soap

(Episode 5.07)

Mike McShane - MGM Musical:
I've got that bar in my hand again,
I've got that bar in my hand, and I'm gonna lather up, my friend.
From the top to the bottom I'll scrub,
From back down again give it a rub,
And you'll be clean as a whistle, my friend.
Because I've got soap in my hand, there's not enough time in the day,
To soap up, hey what do you say?
When I drop it, I pick it up, and you know that's the cue to begin.
Well there may be love in the air,
And if there's bubbles, well, I don't care.
Because baby, I'm soaping! I'm hoping! I'm soaping up, my friend!


Spanner

(Episode 8.03)

Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin - Blues Duet:
Josie: This one's for Johnny Depp, by the way, if you're watching this thing...
Caroline: Yeah, we know he watches this programme.
Clive: Who's Johnny Depp? ... Sorry, I'm a judge...
Josie: He's gorgeous...

Josie: Oh-hoh!
Caroline: Yeah-yeah!
Baby, (Josie: Baby!),
When I saw you,
Stridin' in to my garage,
I said baby! (Josie: Baby!)
Baby! (Josie: Baby!)
Mmm I liked your carriage.
I said there's the wench,
With the wrench for me. (Josie: With the wrench for you!)
Josie: Well baby, (Caroline: Mmm baby!)
Baby! (Caroline: Yeah baby!)
I like your sexy kind of manner, (Caroline: MMmmmmmbabyyy!)
I'd like to unscrew your nuts, (Caroline: Yeah baby!)
With my great big spanner. (Caroline: Mmmmm ooooohhhh!)
Baby baby baby, can't you see? (Caroline: Mmmm aaaaayyy!)
I got a big spanner so come unscrew me. (Caroline: Yeah!)


Spatula

(Episode 3.10)

Josie Lawrence - Jazz:
Zab, zeeb, zoo zab zab zab zib zab zabba zoo.
Ooh ooh, do do liddleladdliddleeay.
I'm not a fork, I'm not a spoon, I ain't even a knife.
I guess you could say that I'm the kind of person that leads a boring kind of life.
Oh I ain't a plate, I ain't a cup, yeah I don't do that.
I'm just a spatula, flatula, spatula, that's where it's at.
Oh oh oh oh, I'm boring, my friend,
I am just a spat with an ula at the end.
Oh that is my life, that'w what I'm gonna be.
A spat spat spat spat, spat spat spat spat,
Spat spat spat spat, spat spat spat,
Ula ula ula ula, you see!

Jim Meskimen - Sting:
You all ready maestro?
You wipe up the sides with me, scrape my heart.
You butter my plate, turn up my heart.
You're one heck of a girl,
Scoop me up so gentle.
Don't you know, lady,
So pleased that you are my utensil.
Utensil.
Spatula utensil.
Ow! Ow! Oh.


Stapler

(Episode 3.06)

Josie Lawrence - Irish Jig:
Come listen to my story, I'll tell it now to you,
It goes like this, and I'll sing it right through.
It is about a woman, and nothing could placate her,
Unless she was sitting upon a stapler.
With a hey nonny no, and a hey nonny no,
And a niggity niggity nay,
And a staple here, and a staple there,
And a staple in all the way.

Mike McShane - Soul:
Oh, baby, I work in the office all day,
I see you sitting there, working so hard for so little pay.
I just want to give you something, to prove how much my love means to you,
Here's a stapler from me to you.
Oh, let me hold all the documents in your hand, you work with all the time,
Let me give it a squeeze, a clinch, a clamp, oh makes me feel fine.
When I'm done with this stapler, you may think I'm a groover,
But wait, till you see my staple remover.


Stapler (2)

(Episode 3.09)

Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane - Love Song/Ballad Duet:
Josie: When I look at you, you're the only one I want to hold,
No baby, I'm not on the fiddle,
You make me feel just like a centrefold,
With a staple through my middle.
Mike: When I see you, you look so at home,
Like a recently typed-out business tome,
Loose around the edges, until I've stapled you.
Josie: Oh yeah, baby, I know you're the only one,
So come on and staple me with your gun.
Mike: I'll never remove it, if ever we part,
I've stapled together,
Both: Both of our hearts.
Right through our hearts.


Subways

(Episode 3.12)

Josie Lawrence - Madonna:
I love you baby, more than any other males,
Come be my subway train and I'll send you off the rails.
Come on baby, drive you train through my tunnel. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Come on baby, we'll have lots of fun,
Come on baby, I'll take you all the way,
Come on baby, come down to my subway.
Lots of love can be found underground.
Underground.


Suitcase

(Episode 3.14)

Mike McShane - Torch Song:
Here's a little song for all the travellers of the heart.
Lonely. I'm searching for love. (Ryan Stiles claps) Thankyou, Thankyou.
I've searched everywhere, below and above.
And everywhere I've gone,
I've always been alone.
Until I met you.
You were red, white and blue.
And just like me, you were empty inside.
You needed to be filled,
Holding onto your handles,
Gave me such a thrill.
American tourister.
You're my American tourister.


Telephone

(Episode 1.01)

Josie Lawrence - Sondheim:
On my own, in my home,
Nowhere to roam.
Just me and my telephone.
What will I do?
When will Harry come and see me, and marry me,
Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me sing, Harry?
I just want you to ring, Harry!
Oh my telephone's lonely,
No-one will phone me,
Oh Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me, unbeliever?
So just pick up your receiver.

John Sessions - Reggae:
John: Is that reggae?
Clive: Yes, it's like reggae...
John: Oh, he has it.
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
And-a-bop-bop-bop,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-on-a-telephone-in-a-morning-with-you-baby.
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-I'm-gonna-go-on-the-telephone-but-not-bloody-British-Telecom-ma-na-ni-no-nay-ma-ma-ma.
Gonna dial-dial-dial-dial,
Make you smile-smile-smile,
In-the-morning-mama-dida-baby-bobba-dial-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine,
On-the-speaking-clock.
Don't-wanna-hear-you-talk,
Yeah-on-the-block.
I-got-you-gonna-beep-bop-ba-da-da-ding-dong-dong.
Round-the-clock-doesn't-have-to-write-any-lyrics-'cause-he-goes-up-and-down-and-all-over-the-place,
It-doesn't-matter-anyway, who-gives-a-toss?


Television

(Episode 1.05)

Josie Lawrence - Heavy Metal:
Baby, baby, I love you,
Can you hear me sob?
Come and treat me like a television set,
Come and twist my knob!
Oh, oh,
Baby, baby, I want to be your maam,
I think you'll find I'm your favourite programme!
Come on baby, see the screen,
On the telly you can hear me scream!

John Sessions - Folk:
(Looks to Richard who indicates there'll be no musical backing)
A morning came up, it came round and down,
And the dairy folk outside Darby they came down to the town.
They found an old person with a great big fat sweater,
It was getting much larger, getting better and better,
As he put on his television set.
And danced round the television set,
He danced round the television set,
He drank real ale and a ridiculously long pipe was hanging from his mouth.
His girlfriend her name was Betty,
She changed it into Dandelion Stalk, 'cause she was a wanker like him.
And together they would dance,
Together round the town, living in a time before the Goons were around,
But sometime after the First World War, who the hell won was it?
With a sweater going up, and down,
They would turn on the television set, but then switch it off,
Because they were funny old wankers from past,
And round they would go,
And round they would go,
Drinking real ale and living in an England
That never really existed.


Television Set

(Episode 1.12)

Josie Lawrence - Eurovision Song Contest:
Your love really turns me on,
Oh I like it when you twist my dial.
I really love your style.
Oh, I want all your love,
All the love I can get,
Your love for me is like a television set. (Richard stops playing)
And it goes la la la...


Toaster

(Episode 2.15)

Mike McShane - Gospel:
Everybody, I'd just like to testify a moment, about a little appliance that means so much to me.
Hey yeah, every morning paper, just seems the same.
I have some juice, and it tastes really lame.
But God be praised, God high on the most,
I've finally found something to whip up my batch of toast.
This slender machine, in the corner of my kitchen apart,
And praise be to Jesus, the bread goes in light and comes out dark.

Josie Lawrence - Motown:
Oooooh yeah, Oooh yeah.
I must be the saddest toaster in the firmament,
'Cause I've been suffering from a burnt out element.
So I cry, cry, cry,
And that's why, why, why,
No more can I make the bread flip,
'Cause they threw me on the toaster tip.
Oh, I'm one old toaster,
Going down a roller coaster,
Nobody loves me and I'm feeling down,
Because I can't make the bread go brown.
Oh, please, I say,
Don't just toss me away,
Baby, baby, I love you so,
Please don't let your old toaster go.
Don't throw me away,
Don't throw me away,
I am not an animal,
Don't chip my enam-am-al.


Toothbrush

(Episode 1.11)

Josie Lawrence - Gospel:
(Gets audience clapping)
You know, the more I think about my life, the more I realise that before I was unclean. I was like a pair of teeth, covered in plaque. Yellow. No good. Until I found the light of the Lord. He is the toothbrush of my life, and this song is about him. Praise the Lord.
Oh Lord, I was a sinner,
I was rotten and bad.
You came and saved my soul, Lord,
You came and cleaned my molars, now I am happy and glad.
'Cause you're my toothbrush, Lord.
Come brush me clean.
Come brush me clean.


Train Set

(Episode 6.04)

Mike McShane - Disco:
Ow...yeah....Ai...Ai...Ai...
You know you've been here too long, baby,
You know you'd better act your age.
When you get on my love train,
Well you'd better have the right gauge.
It gets you rollin', a head of steam,
It makes it early, you know what I mean.
I'm talkin' love train, love train,
Love train, love train.
I'm the engineer, this is my hat,
I love the funnel, you know where it's at.
Let the lights go round and round inside,
Oh, I'm guaranteed for a first class ride.
When we're done, you'll have your fun,
On the love train! (Clive/Audience: Love train!)
Love train! (Clive/Audience: Love train!)
Love train! (Clive/Audience: Love train!)
Love train!


Underwear

(Episode 3.11)

Mike McShane - Disco:
Too tight, too tight.
I got the underwear on, I don't feel alright.
It's too tight.
I gained some weight last week, oh yes.
I'm tighter than my mother's dress.
Too tight. Ow, too tight.
Well I walk like this,
Gotta reminisce,
Too tight.


Washing Machine

(Episode 1.13)

Josie Lawrence - Country & Western:
I live in a tiny village,
And it's always been my dream,
I have to go down to wash my clothes in the river,
So I really would love a washing machine.
I'd spend all day a-cooking and cleaning,
Making sure I roast the Sunday joint,
Oh darling, I'd do all these things for you,
If you'd only buy me a hot point.

John Sessions - Music Hall:
Here's a little song now. You've heard it before, madam, have you? It's an old song, goes back to the happy days. The days of Chas & Dave. The days before washing machines.
I know a girl down Lamberth way, she's got a bucket of suds,
She's got a boyfriend who's kinda handsome, but the rest they're all just duds.
I'm the guy with the washing machine,
I come round, you've seen me before,
I'm the guy from the back and between,
I'm the guy who's gonna give you suds at the kitchen door.


Yvette the Receptionist - Reggae

(Episode 4.08)

Chip Esten - Reggae:
Iree, iree, eo, ey.
Dere is a girl, she's the first girl I kissed.
Her name's Yvette, she's my favourite receptionist.
You got to know it, you got to understand,
Sometimes I drop my drawers, and she gives me shorthand.
She's Yvette.
She's Yvette.
Eo, eo, eo, eo,
You know Yvette, she came in last night,
She had to be fired, 'cause she couldn't type or read or write,
But that's okay, because that's fine,
'Cause they have their receptionist, and I've got mine.
Oh, Yvette.