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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Operas

Italics indicate spoken words, normal text is sung.

Carpentry, Car Washing and Rugby
Guard on the Northern Line, Instant Mash and Smoking
Teeth Brushing, Missing Trains and Barbecues


Opera - Carpentry, Car Washing and Rugby

(Episode 2.15) - Josie Lawrence, Mike McShane, Tony Slattery and Paul Merton
sing about carpentry, washing the car, and rugby.

Josie: Have you got the saw?
Mike: Yes I've got the saw.
Josie: And I have the hammer and the nails.
Mike: Together we'll build a house, it won't be frail. (Josie: It won't be fra-aaii-ail.)
I love you, do you love me.
I love everything about carpentry.
I love you,
Especially.
Mike: You and me babe, workin' so hard,
Building this house in our back yard,
It's heaven! (Josie: Heaven!)
Heaven! (Josie: Heaven!)
Heaven!
Josie: But where is our friend, where can he be?
I heard he's journeyed far, to Rugby.
Mike: Yes he did. He'll show up soon.
Tony: (enters)
Josie: What are you doing here?
Tony: I'm talking to .... you-ooo-ooh-ooo-ooh-ooo-ooh.
Josie: Oooh hooo, oooh hoo, oooh hoo, oooh hooo!
Mike: Yeah!
Josie: Tell us your story, tell us do,
Tell us all about you.
Tony: I'm a rugby player,
And I want you to see my BALL!
Josie: Oooh!
Mike: It's his balls, what massive huge ball!
Josie: But you know,
Rugby is very far.
You've obviously dirtied your car.
On the way.
There is a man we know,
He loves to wash cars so.
Tony: He's got ... an enormous sponge!
Josie: Yes he's the Sponge Man!
Tony/Mike: He's the Sponge Man!
Paul: (enters and dances around carrying the 'sponge')
Josie, Mike, Tony & Paul: Sponge Man! Sponge Man! Sponge Man!... (etc.)


Opera - Guard on the Northern Line, Instant Mash and Smoking

(Episode 1.11) - John Sessions, Josie Lawrence, Paul Merton and Archie Hahn
sing about going to work as a Guard on the Northern Line, making instant mashed potato, and smoking.

Clive: (goes into the audience) What's your name, can I ask you?
Pat: Pat.
Clive: Pat. Um... and, where do you come from Pat?
Pat: Er, Hackey.
Clive: Erhackney. Right. Great. Now, ah, what have you done? Have you done anything today? Have you done three things today, would be ideal.
Pat: Gone to work.
Clive: You've gone to work. What, are you a vicar, something like that?
Pat: Guard on the Northern Line.
Clive: Guard on the Northern Line. Anyone travel on the Northern Line at all?
Audience: (booing) Yes...
Clive: It's a very very popular line I understand. So you've been to work as a guard on the Northern Line, that's fine, now anything else? Have you done anything there at all?
Pat: Come home.
Clive: You've come home - you live here do you? What an extraordinary place to live, must be rather busy in the course of... so you've... what did you do at home, did you?
Pat: Played a record.
Clive: You played a record.
Pat: No actually I didn't, no. I had so little...
Clive: You're improvising aren't you.
Pat: I had so little time.
Clive: Yes, I know, you haven't had much to...
Pat: With getting home... I made some instant mashed potato.
Clive: No, well that's fine, that's perfect! That is absolutely perfect! So you've been to work as a guard on the Northern Line, made some mashed potato, anything else?
Pat: And beans. And sausages.
Clive: No no no tha... you...
Pat: I don't normally have instant mash, it's just quick!
Clive: Yes, I know, of course you don't, of course you don't. You live well as a guard, obviously. Now, anything else, just one other thing you've done today. Anything, it could be anything.
Pat: Smoked.
Clive: Smoked. Alright.
Pat: The pressure.
Clive: You smoked the pressure. Yes.
Pat: No, I smoked because of the pressure!
Clive: That's... children at home remember, never smoke pressure yourself, it's very very dangerous and you could end up as a guard on the Northern Line if you do. So, those are your three things (rolls eyes), it's going to work as a guard on the Northern Line.... what was it? Oh yes, making mashed potato, instant mashed potato, and smoking. Three things, not a busy day, but there it is; quite busy for a guard on the Northern Line. So okay, take it away and make up an opera out of that.

John: (Blackanthee in the nineties?)
I have been to Camden Town,
And to Boswell Hill,
Where the smarty pants people live with all the Penguin Books on their bookshelves.
Here am I, what am I to do?
In this Benjamin Britten opera where people sing like washing machines that have no bearings in them.
Paul: (enters)
Morden, South Wimbledon.
Colliers Wood, Tooting Broadway, Tooting Bec, Balham.
Clapham South, Clapham Common, Clapham North.
John: Not forgetting Tottenham Court Road!
Josie: (enters)
Is this the way to Turnham Green?
John: This is the way to Turnham Green.
Paul: It's no good asking me, I don't know a thing.
John: He's a guard, he's a guard. Josie: He's a guard.
John: He's a guard.
Josie: He's a guard.
He doesn't have to try very hard.
John: But he can make, (Josie: He can make!)
Mashed potato!
Paul: They are my spuds. They are instant.
Archie: (enters) Potatoes.
Josie: Sausage and Mash, Sausage and Mash. (Paul: Sausage and Mash)
John: Brown Sauce, Red Sauce, Mayonnaise,
It brightens up my darkest days.
Archie: I have spent many many fine times.
With a bucket of potato. (Josie & John: Potato!)
Many, many times, (John: Perfect, Spuds, Perfect, Spuds...) (Josie: La la la, many days...)
With a bucket of potatoes,
Gives you so much pleasure,
You want to smoke a cigarette. (Josie: Oh yes, oh yes!)
Let's have a cigarette! (Josie: Ci-ga-rette!)
John: And smoke it.
Paul: And mind the gap!
Archie: Enjoy it now!


Opera - Brushing Teeth, Missing Trains and Barbecues

(Episode 1.13) - Josie Lawrence, John Sessions, Jimmy Mulville and Jon Glover
sing about brushing your teeth, missing a train, and having a barbecue.

Josie: Oh hurry, in haste,
Where is my toothpaste?
Ah, there it is, waiting for me.
Up and down, and up and down,
And up and down, and up and down,
And uuupppppp and down.
Round and round and round,
Until they're clean.
Ah, look at the time!
I'm going to be left behind!
(John enters) Oh, Frank, it's you!
John: No, I'm Steve, your timetable. Look me up!
Josie: Ah, I'm going to miss my train, Steve!
John: That is good. Mished. Mished thine train.
Josie: Yes, mished that as well.
(Jimmy and Jon enter)
John: Ah!
Jimmy & Jon: Come, come, come to the barbecue,
Jon: Round the old Bull & Moose(?).
Fine sauces, rare (?)
Jimmy: A ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Josie: But my teeth are smelling so sweet,
I could not ruin them by eating meat.
John: Do you have chicken?
Jimmy & Jon: I have chicken.
John: Do you have pork?
Jon: We have sausages.
Jimmy: We have pork.
Jon: I have burgers.
John: And pork?
Jimmy: And pork.
John: And chicken?
Jimmy: And chicken.
John: And pork?
Jimmy: And pork.
John: And chicken?
Jimmy: And more pooooork.
Jon: And (hull?)
On the barbie, on the barbie, on the barbie.
(coughs in time with the music)
John: And pasta?
Jimmy: No pasta.
John: No pasta?
Jimmy: No pasta.
Josie: No pasta!
(Jimmy & Jon cough in time with the music)
John: For four it is waiting,
For four it is waiting (Josie: It's waiting.)
Waiting (Josie: Waiting.)
Waiting (Josie: Waiting.)
For you!
Jimmy: For you!
Josie: For you!