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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?



Italics indicate spoken words, normal text is sung.


Chocolate Cakes, Paris and Washing Up
Driving Cars, Skiing, and Getting Up
Football, Waking Up, and Police
Horses, Car Crashes and Films
Matt, New Jersey, Songwriting, Colds, Travel and France.
Pam, New York, Skydiving, Australia, Television and Cars
Party, Maze and Gliding
Pregnancies, Muggings and Television
Puberty, TV Shows and Cups of Tea
Rock and Roll, Australia and Business Courses
Smoking, Curries and Prime Ministers
Travelling, Doctors, Children and Mumps
Valerie, Psychology, Tennis, Roommates, Marathons and Minneapolis
Weeds, Northern Italy and Swimming
World War II Aeroplanes, School Caretakers, and the Pools


"Bricklaying" The Musical
"Christmas" The Musical
"Election of a Prime Minister" The Musical
"Hairdressing" The Musical
"Wasps" The Musical


"The First Man Into Space"


American Musical: Chocolate Cakes, Paris and Washing Up

(Episode 2.01) - Mike McShane, Josie Lawrence, Tony Slattery and Greg Proops
sing about making chocolate cakes, flying to Paris, and doing the washing up.

Mike: Well, there it is. One of the best French chocolate cakes I've ever made. Except I don't have enough chocolate for the icing.
Josie: Well, never mind, dear. But don't you think you've made rather a mess of the kitchen?
Mike: Why yes, but that's half the fun of cooking, it's the cleaning up afterwards.
Josie: Yes, but who's going to do it?
It's me, always me, it's me, me, me.
You are full of glee at your cake,
But that's your mistake,
You always leave all the cleaning to me.
Mike: Hey now, don't complain baby, hey good lookin'!
You clean up, and I do the cookin'!
That's the way we planned it all these years.
Josie: All these years.
Tony: (enters) Hi, I'm Brad, the Tap Dancing Air Steward! (tap dances)
Josie: Oh, Brad, don't you live next door?
Tony: No, but I tell you what, I'm gonna take you away from your domesticity and fly you to Paris. I'm with Air France.
Mike: Great, because we need some Parisian chocolate to icing off this cake. You came in the nick of time!
Josie: I'll take the cake, we'll be on our way!
Tony: So real, let's go, over the sea.
To France. (Josie & Mike: Oh, oui oui!)
Oui oui! (Josie & Mike: Oui oui!)
Venez avec moi.
Josie: Oh, ou est (la bloome d'avec donne?)
Tony: La Tour. La Tour Eiffel.
L'Arc de Triomphe.
Mike: Is he Jacques Brell?
Josie: Oh, look, full of fame,
Couldn't that be Notre Dame?
Tony: Yes, we're here, don't you see?
It's a holiday (Josie: Holiday!) (Mike: Holiday!)
For you. (Josie & Mike: Holiday!)
Greg: (enters)
Josie: Who's that?
Tony: Hi!
Greg: I'm Henri, the bummed-out chef. I have chocolate in my pockets, so frosting, I have no cake.
Josie: Chocolate!
Greg: Oh, je ne avec fait. (spits)
Josie: Don't get sad, ready to be glad,
We've got a cake, for you, heaven's sake,
Put on some of your chocolate, do do do!
Greg: You have brought a cake for me,
I'm in ecstacy, I have the frosting, you see!
Mike: Oh look!
Josie: Put the icing on the cake. It looks splendid!
Mike: It's beautiful. Your work is fantastic!
Tony: But these plates are dirty, we need to do something about it!
Josie: Come on, everybody. After three. One, two, one two three! (Greg: Une, deux, trois)
Josie, Mike, Greg: Let's wash up, (Tony: Wash, wash, wash up the plates!)
Everybody let's wash up,
Everybody let's wash up,
Josie: And get it clean!
Greg: Wash up!
(Richard stops playing)
Josie: Everybody let's wash up,

American Musical: Driving Cars, Skiing, and Getting Up

(Episode 2.16) - Josie Lawrence, Mike McShane, Tony Slattery and Greg Proops
sing about driving a car, going skiing, and getting up in the morning.

Josie: I've made your pancakes, baby.
Mike: (yawns) Oh, who cares a (?)... ah, I hate getting up in the morning.
Josie: Never mind, darling. I've got your favourite breakfast for you.
Mike: Pancakes?
Josie: Pancakes. Can you remember the first time I made pancakes for you?
It was the fourth of July,
And I started to cry,
'Cause it made me so high.
When you said "Will you marry me?",
I was full of glee. (Mike: Ha, ha, you remember?)
Mike: You went right in and you whipped up the batter,
You didn't care at all, just like it didn't matter.
That's flapjacks, one, two, three,
For you and for me.
Josie: Yeah.
Mike: Oh, that's great!
Tony: (enters) Hi, I'm Ralph, the Dancing Ski Instructor.
Josie: Hi, Ralph!
Tony: Hi!
Josie: Hey, let's go to a dry run and ski!
Mike: Yeah, sure, I'll call in on my vacation. Let's have some fun!
Josie: Yeah. Hey, we haven't got any way to get there.
Greg: (enters with beeping sound) I just happened to be passing by. My name's Nipsy, the Loveable Driver.
Tony: Pile on in, gang!
Josie: Do you mind?
Greg: No, everybody pile in. But don't mess up the sidelines.
We're going on a holiday,
We're all going to go really far away,
It's a ski holiday for everyone. (Josie: For everyone!) (Tony: Ski, ski, ski!)
Going on a holiday, (Josie: Holiday!)
They'll ski and probably break their legs, (Mike: Okay!)
It's a ski holiday, for fun.
Josie: There's you and me and him and he (Tony: And me too!)
And we are going to ski - i - i. (Mike: And him and her...)
Greg: That's right, we'll learn, get out, we're here, here's the lift!
Bye bye!
Josie: Bye!
Greg: (exits)
Mike: Jesus, we're really high in the air!
Josie: Yeah. High as can be. Just you, me and Ralphie.
Tony: Well, that'll be all the industrial amphetamines we're taking.
Mike: I'm moving so fast, (Josie: Moving so fast)
I'm skiing so long, (Tony & Josie: Skiing so long)
I feel so in control, (Josie: In control)
I know it can't be wrong.
Josie: You're skiing.
It's a beautiful feeling.
Greg: (enters, crashing through them) Aarrrrrrggggghhhh!
Josie: You'll be skiing.
Mike: Just run over him.
Josie: Yeah.

American Musical: Football, Waking Up and Police

(Episode 1.09) - Josie Lawrence, Micheal McShane, Tony Slattery and John Sessions
sing about playing football, waking up, and being stopped by the police.

Josie: Good morning, honey.
Micheal: Good morning, darling.
Josie: Oh, I'm still tired. I had a bad dream.
Micheal: Did you? What did you dream about?
Josie: Oh, you know, the same thing I dreamt about last time I had a dream.
I dreamt I saw you in,
A lawn, a pitch, something green,
It was obscene.
And yet each side there was a net.
Micheal: That's funny, because I had the same dream,
I had big shoulder pads. (Josie: Even bigger than you have now, dear?)
They were huge, and a helmet on my head,
And it was painted a very bright red.
I was running, I was running, (Josie: Running!)
And a half small pig in my hand, (Josie: Running with a pig in your hand!)
It sucked, it's belly was sewn shut,
And I passed it, I went "Hut, Hut, Hut",
I threw it.
Josie: Darling, you know what you've done? You've just created American Football!
Micheal: Thank God!
Tony: (enters) Hi mum! Hi dad!
Josie: Hi, darling!
Tony: I've got a bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
Micheal: What?
Josie: Tell us, tell us.
Tony: Boy, have I had a day,
When I tell you, it's gonna blow your minds away.
Josie: Tell me the rest,
Come to my breast.
Tony: Well, I was just walking down the street,
I was on my way to a luncheon,
When I was stopped by a policeman,
And he abused me with his truncheon.
Micheal: Did he beat you?
Tony: He beat me!
Micheal: Did he whack you?
Tony: He whacked me!
Mike: Did he make...
Josie: Did he make you drop your pants?
Tony: ... No.
John: (enters) Rise and shine, right?
Josie: Yeah.
Micheal: Morning.
Tony: Hey...
Josie: Tom, you're always so happy!
John: That's because I'm mentally deficient!
Josie: Mentally deficient, (John: That's it!)
Although he's quite efficient,
At some things, isn't he boys?
Micheal: He's fantastic!
John: Hey, get out of here!
Josie: We think you're great!
Tony: We think you're the best! (John: Aw, no way!)
Josie: We think you're special!
Tony: We think you're great! (John: Aw, what?)
Micheal: We think you're wonderful!
A micro-cephalic morning call!
John: Life!
Josie: Life is a breeze!
John: Hey, you're goin' to my head, guys! Hey, I'm not feeling too good... aw, I just remembered, I've got tuberculosis.
Tony: That's great news!

American Musical: Horses, Car Crashes and Films

(Episode 2.13) - Josie Lawrence, Greg Proops & Tony Slattery
sing about riding horses, a car crash, and going to see a film.

Josie: More popcorn?
Greg: Mmmmmmmm.
Josie: Say, doesn't that look like a wonderful land, all those green fields. You know, I wish we could just walk through the screen and be in that place.
Greg: Gee, I wonder if we wished really hard if it could happen.
Josie: Why, here we are!
Greg: And I didn't even feel the screen tear!
Josie: Oh, we've walked straight through the screen,
Is is happening or is it a dream?
Are things really what they seem?
Oh, I love being here with you.
Greg: We're here, together at last,
But I wonder, can it last?
It's so mind bending that we've done,
This groovy groovy groovy totally excellent thing.
Josie: Oh baby, let's go down that yellow brick road and see what's at the end of it.
Greg: I wonder if there'll be Munchkins, or something else that's hard to predict.
Tony: (enters) Hey, in Never Never Land you can be people like me, the dancing horse!
Josie: Oh, horse, a horse of course,
Horse, here we are on the inside,
Of the screen, can I go for a ride,
In my dream?
Tony: Of course you can.
Because I am the horse of your dreams. (Josie: Horse of my dreams)
Do you want to know why? (Josie: Why?)
Because of this... (thrusts groin forward)
Josie: I think I'd rather go by car, dear. And look, there's a car! Come on!
Tony: Neigh!
Greg: We'd better get in the back seat so he has more room.
Josie: That's true. He'd better have the front wheel.
Greg: Alright, he can have the front.
Josie: You know what I feel like?
Greg: What?
Josie: I feel like it's good to be alive,
When I'm with you, and we go for a drive,
Everything's groovy,
And we've got a horse, I think I'll call him Hoofie.
Greg: I feel so good with you,
'Cause we're going for a drive and it's totally new,
I think our horse is a little goofy.
Josie: Goofy.
Greg: Goofy.
Tony: And you know that nothing can happen.
Josie: Nothing can happen.
Tony: Nothing bad.
Greg: Nothing can happen.
Josie: Nothing.
Tony: Except...except...
Josie: What's that tree?
Can't you see, can't you see?
Tony: The tree, it's coming ... for me!
Greg & Josie: Aaarrrrggghhh!

American Musical: Matt, New Jersey, Songwriting, Colds, Travel and France

(Episode 3.12) - Mike McShane, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Josie Lawrence
sing about Matt, New Jersey, Songwriting, having a cold, travel difficulties, and going to France.

Mike: (sneezes) Man, I feel lousy. But I'm inspired, alright!
I'm dripping, I'm clogged,
I'm a songwriter, so I can't get a job.
I'm so congested.
If only I could get away I'd feel more rested.
Ryan: (enters - speaks in French accent) Excuse me, I could not help but hear. I live next door to you.
Mike: (sneezes on Ryan)
Ryan: Oh, thankyou.
Mike: Sure.
Ryan: I am not from this country, I am from a country far, far away.
Mike: Whrhfrmmm?
Ryan: I would like to... pardon me?
Mike: I said where are you from?
Ryan: I am from France. Far, far overseas.
Mike: Well I'd love to go away to France.
Ryan: Would you?
Mike: What's it like there?
Ryan: The girls in France are exquisite,
They stay with you day after day. (Mike: Oh, man, not like New Jersey!)
But the cheese, the cheese smells so bad, (Mike: Same as New Jersey!)
So I find it's best to throw the cheese away.
You know, I'd like to invite you back to France but I only have 2 hours. I can't think where to go in that time.
Mike: Hey, if we went on a Concorde we could get there really quick.
Colin: (enters) Bonjour, je suis un concorde pilot.
Ryan: Oh, I will translate. He said "Hello, I'm a Concorde pilot".
Mike: Oh.
Ryan: Bonjour et a tres de marte, est elaise debe blow de la corde?
Colin: Oh, tres mal, tres mal. La Concorde est a departe a deux minutes.
Ryan: The Concorde will depart in two minutes.
Mike: Alright, maybe the high pressure will clear my sinuses.
Ryan: It might help, who knows? Hop on board, my friend.
Colin: I'll get in the ... pit de cock.
Josie: (enters) Bonjour, I am your favourite French air hostess.
Ryan: Hello!
Josie: There's exits are over there, over there, and over there. Oh, I see you look rather poorly.
Mike: Oh, I feel a lot better talking to you. Say, that high altitude's really cleared me up.
Josie: Oui, oui!
Mike: You're beautiful.
Josie: If you're feeling that you've got a cold, (Mike: That was me!)
Come to Paree.
Even if you're feeling very bold,
Come to Paree. (Colin: Quelle fromage! (translation - what cheese?))
Ryan: Coming to Paree, yes that might be the cure. (Josie: Oui, oui!)
Get rid of your cold, and then say "Hey, bonjour!"
Mike: You two have really shown me,
So I'll go to Paree.
Josie: To Paree.
Josie, Colin & Ryan: To Paree!

Musical: Pam, New York, Skydiving, Australia, Television and Cars

(Episode 3.15) - Greg Proops, Mike McShane, George McGrath and Ryan Stiles
sing about Pam, New York, Skydiving, going to Australia, working in television, and having a car broken into.

Greg: Oh man, a Subaru. What are we going to do with this?
Mike: I don't know, we could strip it down and sell it to some idiot art guy, you know...
Greg: Keep watch.
Mike: All right.
You're in.
Greg: I'm in.
Mike: Have they got, a stereo?
Greg: Blaupunkt, Blaupunkt, Blaupunkt.
Mike: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!
Look in the dash!
Greg: There's lots of cash!
Mike: We've scored!
Greg: We've scored!
Both: We've scored!
George: (enters) Hey, wait a minute, you two! That car belongs to Pam, and while she's in Australia I'm going to take care of it.
Greg: Oh yeah? What are you, Marshall freaking Villain?
George: No, I just happen to be her skydiving instructor, that's all.
You, you think you're cute.
But I'd like to see you in a parachute. (Mike: Hey, we could do it!)
No, you're not the type that would be surviving,
You're not as strong as Pam, you couldn't handle skydiving.
Mike: I fell out of a building once...
Greg: Yeah! I pushed him!
George: Wait, she's left a note in the car.
Greg: (reading) I've gone to Australia. Well, that's in Germany, isn't it?
Mike: Yeah.
George: It says, "Can you imagine what my trip must be like?"
Ryan: (enters, speaks in bad Australian accent) G'day! Hello there, I'm the big Australian, Barry.
Greg, Mike & George: Wow!
Ryan: Any of you care to go Down Under?
Greg: Is Pam still there?
Ryan: Yes, Pam's still there, and we can go by the means that Pam loves best. Follow me!
(Ryan and Mike lie down, Greg and George stand behind, all make skydiving motions)
Ryan: Everyone, ...
We're going down to the land where kangaroos jump.
Mike: We're gonna go down, have a big fun.
Greg: We're gonna go where everything has a pouch! (George: Ouch!)
George: But we'd better do it with precision,
Let's not forget she works in television.
That's the way Pam would like it done.
Ryan: I think you could guess, (George: Yes!)
You don't have to say "duh"! (George, Greg & Mike: Duh!)
Let's all skydive and go,
All: To Austr-aaa-lii-aaa.

American Musical: Party, Maze and Gliding

(Episode 1.12) - Josie Lawrence, Mike McShane, Tony Slattery and John Sessions
sing about going to a party, getting lost in a maze, and going gliding.
(suggestions come from audience members Nick, Caroline and Sally)

Clive: Good, well a great American Musical in prospect here. The three events are going to a party, getting lost in a maze and going gliding.
Josie: (questioning Mike about the topics)
Clive: Gliding in a plane.
Josie: Oh, plane gliding.
Clive: That's right. Gliding in a plane. Yes, that's very important, or else Nick will leave... which might be a bonus. But anyway, so Josie and Mike, if you could start and make your American Musical up out of that.

Mike: Isn't it fantastic? We're gonna..
Josie: It's wonderful, darling. I feel like a bird - a great big bird.
Mike: We're better than a bird. We're human beings taking to flight, scoffing at our winged friends. Hahahahaha
Josie: Darling, the wing!
Mike: Oh my god, it's breaking!
Josie: It's tearing!
Mike: A big seagull just ripped a chunk off... yads... we're going down, fast - we're spinning. I've always wanted to tell you something.
Josie: What, darling? Tell me.

Mike: If I had to go down, I'd go down with you.
If I had to crash land, I wouldn't be blue.
Josie: And when together we glide,
I'm not scared if we die,
As long as I glide with you. (Mike: Hang on tight, here's a draught current! Whoa!)
Mike: If we keep gliding like this (Josie: Gliding like this!)
Before we splatter in the ground, give me a kiss. (Josie: Mwa!, Mike: Mwa!)
And when they write our obituary,
We'll go down quite contrary,
In history, hangliders in love.
(Tony enters)
Josie: Oh, darling, let's crash land onto that piece of privet.
Mike: Look out! (they crash)
Tony: Hey you two! I've just landed here as well. I was circling you for about half an hour.
Mike: Were you the guy that clipped our wings, bub?
Tony: No! Not at all! Things have been really strange in these past couple of days, do you want me to tell you about it?
Josie: Aha, sure do!
Tony: Okay. Listen.
Here is my really bizarre tale, (Josie: Aha, aha.)
I'm gonna keep it short. (Josie: Aha, aha.)
I went for a little bus ride, (Josie: Aha, aha.)
And I ended up in Hampton Court.
I don't know, I was popping some pills,
I guess I felt a bit crazed,
But suddenly I woke up, I thought I was a glider,
And there I was in a maze.
Mike: In a maze?
(John enters)
Josie: D'you mean we're in a maze? Aaahh!
John: Yeah, you're amazingly in a maze man. This is where we just hang out, and drink, and look at the sky, and look at the quay lights till our eyes twinkle.
Josie: But it's a wonderful place.
John: What?
Josie: Does it mean that no matter where we run, we'll still come back to the same spot?
John: That's right, you'll keep looking like an asshole.
Josie: Wonderful.
Mike: That's fantastic!
We can do anything, we can run around the maze,
We can run so fast till we're all in a daze,
Let's run,
Josie: Run!
Mike: And act stupid!
Josie: Stupid!
Mike: And run!
Josie: Run!
Tony: And dance! (claps) (Mike: Yeah!)
Josie: And daaaaaaaance!

American Musical: Pregnancies, Muggings and Television

(Episode 3.09) - Tony Slattery, Greg Proops, Jim Sweeney and Josie Lawrence
sing about a girlfriend becoming pregnant, getting mugged, and getting a job in television (Clive's).

Tony: I heard the news about your wife. I didn't know you got married! I though she was just your girlfriend!
Greg: She kind of is in a sorta kinda way.
Tony: That's great. What's the latest happening with you, then?
Greg: Well, I'm kind of worried, Tony.
Tony: Tell me about it.
Greg: I am kinda naive about these things.
I thought the stork brought babies with their wings.
But after a night of passionate romping,
I find that we'll soon be dad and mom-ping.
Tony: That's brilliant!
You know when a man and woman get together,
Nothing happens with birds of a feather,
It's all about the bits and pieces that hang out,
Of you, (Greg: Of me!)
Of you, (Greg: And her!)
And her!
And that's what having babies is all about.
Greg: Wow.
Jim: (enters) Hi, Greg. I've got some bad news about your girlfriend Sally.
Greg: What is it?
Jim: I'm glad you asked.
Let me tell you about Sally,
She was walking down an alley,
Listen to what I said.
Someone came and whacked her on the back of the head.
She was mugged, Greg.
She broke her leg, Greg.
She's dead, Greg.
Hey, I'm really choked up.
Greg: Wow, that news kinda brings me down. It's funny 'cause I was just about to go for the biggest audition of my life today, as host of Live With Clive and stuff.
Josie: (enters) And you can still do it, Greg.
Greg: Why, who are you, figment of my imagination, beautiful female pulchritudinous type person in a velour shirt?
Josie: I'm Sally, come back to you, and look, ddrrring! (cradling baby in arms)
Greg: You look like Demi Moore now!
Josie: And I've got the baby too. When I got hit on the back of the head, things suddenly got clear.
Greg: Wow.
Josie: I've got my baby now, Greg.
And I don't love you now, Greg.
Go away and be a TV star.
I don't care, 'cause I've got the real part, Greg.
Greg: I don't care any more, Josie. (Josie: Sally!) Sally!
I don't care what your name is Sally or Josie,
Commitment scares me,
I'm glad you've got the baby, I'm a star! (Josie: Star!) (Tony: Star!)
Hollywood, here I are!

American Musical: Puberty, TV Shows and Cups of Tea

(Episode 1.06) - George McGrath, Jan Ravens, John Sessions & Graeme Garden
sing about puberty, coming to see a TV show recorded, and making a cup of tea.

George: Mom?
Jan: Yes, son?
George: Something weird's happening!
Jan: What is it, son?
George: Let me tell you about it.
There's hair, that wasn't there,
There's hair growing everywhere!
Jan: That's just natural for you,
Don't you worry, let's have a look.
George: No, mom! You can't have a look!
I didn't see this in the science book!
John: (enters) What's up, son? Something wrong with you?
Jan: He's imagining things again.
John: What? Hey, man, don't imagine nothing. Be real with life, it's out there. The mountains are waiting for you, the sky is solid as a rock... well, not the sky, but the mountains are solid as a rock.
George: Hey dad, (John: What?)
You'd better have a cup of tea,
'Cause I'm going through puberty.
John: Happens to us all, kid, even me.
Graeme: (enters)
And then, (Jan: And then what?)
It's like the lights go on! (George: The lights go on!)
And the audience is there! (George: The audience is there!)
And the cameras! (George: And the cameras!)
People everywhere! (George: They're everywhere!)
Jan: You see, son, you're not strange!
John: You've got hair, and you're on television!
George: Wow!
John: Wow.

Musical: Rock and Roll, Australia, and Business Courses

(Episode 5.05) - Greg Proops, Mike McShane, Ryan Stiles and Josie Lawrence
sing about coming 3rd in a Rock and Roll Championship, going to Australia, and teaching a business course.

Greg: Hey, man, we gotta get our band together, we gotta quit these stupid accountancy jobs, man.
Mike: I know, man. I've got one more business to take care of, and after that let's get our guitars and go to Australia - home of rock n' roll.
Greg: Well I dig ACDC and I dig INXS,
But you haven't heard the Bitchin' Wallabies, 'cause we really are the best.
Mike: We rock, we rock, Ayer's Rock, completely nude. Alright Robert!
Greg: We jump to and fro, 'cause we have marsupial pouches.
We lay around the house and watch TV, 'cause we have big couches.
Mike: We live on a diet of sour milk and koala turds,
And we just make up all the words.
Ryan: (enters) G'day, welcome to Australia.
Mike: Good to be here.
Ryan: Hey, are you guys in a band?
Greg: Yeah, we're the Bitchin' Wallabies.
Ryan: The Bitchin' Wallabies? Haven't you heard, there's a big rock n' roll championship today!
Greg: Is there really?
Mike: It's just our lucky day!
Ryan: Looking at you guys, I can see you're good.
You play your instruments like a good band should.
I can see, have you heard,
I think you're good enough, to come third.
That's not much support but I'm with ya.
Greg: Thanks.
Josie: (enters) Come on guys, it's time to start the competition. I think there's a good chance that we will come third, you know. Let's go out there and give it all we've got.
Ryan: (makes microphone feedback noises))
Josie: Hello everybody, we're the bitchin' wallabies!
Greg: Well clap, goddammit!
Josie: Everybody meet the band, this is Frankie, Howard and Chip,
We're so glad to be here at the rock n' roll championship.
Oh, everybody's happy, as happy as can be,
We don't care about first, care about second, we only care about three.
'Cause we're the wallabies! (Greg & Mike: The wallabies!)
Wallabies from down under.
Wallabies! (Greg: Wallabies!) (Greg, Mike & Josie: Wallabies!)
Come on and hear our thunder!
We're the wallabies! (Greg: Wallabies!) (All: Wallabies!)
We don't take no for an answer.
Wallabies! (Greg & Mike: Wallabies!)
Wallabies! (Greg & Mike: Wallabies!)
Now see him, he's a really neat dancer!
Mike: Let's do it, Robert!
Josie: Wallabies, wallabies, wallabie-bop.
Wallabies, wallabies, wallabie-bop.

American Musical: Smoking, Curries and Prime Ministers

(Episode 2.04) - Mike McShane, Greg Proops, Paul Rider and Josie Lawrence
sing about smoking, having a curry, and becoming Prime Minister.

Mike: (coughs) This is a dead end job. Testing silk cuts all day long. Another one?
Greg: Yeah (coughs). I coughed so hard last night, a small animal came out of my chest!
Mike: I can't get enough of cigarettes,
I need the job, but then just yet,
I want to quit this nasty habit.
Greg: My life seems to be up in smoke,
All we do is just a joke,
I would love to quit this nasty habit.
Mike: We should just get away. (Greg: We should just get away.)
And find a better way. (Greg: Find a better way.)
Clean them big ashtrays.
Greg: And break this habit.
Paul: (enters) Hi guys!
Mike: How're you doing, Paul?
Paul: All right. Hey, listen. No, no, I'm representing ASH. This is an organisation who've given up smoking. I've got something you should do better, instead.
Greg: What's better than smoking?
Mike: Yeah.
Paul: Let me tell you about it,
Have you ever et a vindaloo through a didgeridoo? (Mike & Greg: No, no!)
Have you ever had a big madras dripping out of your ass? (Mike & Greg: No, no!)
Eat a curry, when you're in a hurry,
They taste real good, eat 'em with a pud.
I think that's the best meal for you! (Mike: Vindaloo!)
Paul & Mike: Vindaloo!
Paul: Taking it down through a didgeridoo.
Paul, Mike & Greg: Vindaloo, vindaloo!
Josie: (enters) Hello, and welcome to May Your Dreams Come True Curry House.
Greg: Wow, we've been magically transported here somehow!
Josie: Here, sit down. You know, anything that you want can happen in the Curry House.
Greg: Really? Could we get some poppadom to kick things off?
Mike: And the onion bargies?
Josie: What?
Mike: The onion, what are those little puffy things?
Josie: They're onion bargies.
Paul: Hey, listen, have you got any Kinnocks on the menu?
Josie: Kinnocks?
Paul: Yes, they're those little sort of crispy things. I have some...
Josie: We have lots of Kinnocks. But the Thatchers are off.
Mike: I'd love to be a Thatcher.
Paul: I'd love to be a Kinnock...
Josie: (to Mike) I don't want to say anything sinister,
But when I looked at you I thought you could become Prime Minister,
Quite easily.
All you've got to do is dream. (Paul, Mike, Greg: (in background) Dream, dream, dream...)
(to Greg) And when I looked at you,
I thought you could become a Cabinet Minister,
Josie & Greg: All (I/you) have got to do is dream.
Josie: Dream.
Paul: We're dreaming.
Josie: Dream.
Mike: Of a better day! (Paul: We're dreaming.)
Josie: Dream.
Greg: I'd like a high-paid job,
Throw my cigarettes away!
Josie: Throw away your tobacco,
And go go go go go go,
'Cause all you've got to do, is..
Mike, Greg, Paul & Josie: Dream! Dream! Dreeeeeeam!

American Musical: Travelling, Doctors, Children and Mumps

(Episode 3.02) - Tony Slattery, Josie Lawrence, Mark Cohen and Mike McShane
sing about travelling round the world, being a doctor, the birth of your children, and an attack of the mumps.

Tony: Oh, thank goodness, that's surgery finished for the day, darling.
Josie: Oh, hi Bernard.
Tony: Hi. (feels her stomach) Oh, it's kicking!
Josie: Yeah.
Tony: Ooh, wow, that's gonna be some kind of footballer right there.
Josie: Oh, or a doctor maybe.
Tony: Can you feel something?
Josie: Yeah.
Oh please Bernard, let me take your coat.
Please Bernard, let me feel your throat.
Oooh, you've got lumps.
You've got the mumps.
Tony: Oh no, I was thinking,
When I got up this morning and I looked down there,
I thought "Hey, that's something big and it's not just air".
Will it affect my chances of travelling the world?
Josie: No, Bernard, no, lots of joy will soon be unfurled.
Oh, oh, oh, Bernard, no, Bernard,
Breathe, Bernard, breathe, Bernard.
Mark: (enters from between Josie's legs)
Josie: Oh, Bernard, what're we going to call him?
Tony: Patricia!
Mark: I'm Patricia, I'm the mixed up boy/girl.
You're my mum and you're my dad, take me round the world.
I'm the mixed up boy/girl.
Tony: You won't be mixed up for very much longer,
Ooh, what was that smell, you ponger?
Oh no, you've filled up your diaper already.
Josie: He's so sweet. (Tony: So sweet.)
Come on, let's take him on a tour.
Come on, let's not waste time,
Come on, let's take him on a tour.
Right now (Tony: Right now!)
Where shall we go?
Tony: Shall we go....
Mike: (enters, coughing) Oh, oh, excuse me, madam.
Tony: Is this the midwife you sent for? Well, you're too late.
Mike: Doctor Bernard, is that you?
Josie: Are you feeling ill, sir?
Mike: I'm dying. Doctor Bernard, I don't know if you remember me but I'm an incredibly wealth American with no moral scruples whatsoever.
Tony: What's new?
Josie: Let me get you a drink, you nice man.
Mike: No, no darling.
Tony: Tell us about your condition, sir.
Mike: My liver's just burst, my kidneys are swollen. (Josie, Tony & Mark: Swollen.)
My lymph nodes are as big as sponge cake, and my brain's turned to spollen. (Mark: Spollen.)
But with my last dying wish I'm going to give you a cheque.
Fifty million dollars, use it on the road, enjoy yourselves, what the heck.
Josie: Oh this is just what we could use, sir,
I think we'll go on a cruiser.
Tony: We'll set up our own gynacology unit in Thailand.
Mark: And then you can fix me up,
And make me one sex or another. (Josie, Tony & Mike: Or another!)
Like my mother, (Josie, Tony & Mike: Like your mother!)
Or some other. (Josie, Tony & Mike: Or some other!)

American Musical: Valerie, Psychology, Tennis, Roommates, Marathons and Minneapolis

(Episode 3.16) - Mike McShane, Josie Lawrence, Greg Proops and Sandi Toksvig
sing about Valerie, studying psychology in Boston, tennis, visiting roommates, training for a marathon and Minneapolis.

Mike: Hey, Valerie, ready to start training for that marathon?
Josie: Yes.
Mike: (shoots at Josie's feet) Come on, run! Run! (shoots again).
Josie: No, no, no, no, no! I hate the way you train me! First of all you make me run all the way up Central Park, and then you drill a hole in my tooth. I hate running the marathon. You get that? Marathon, marathon.
Mike: Yeah, yeah.
Hey Valerie, you've gotta run for your life,
Valerie, once my roommate soon my wife.
You run so far, run so far, you run all through the park,
And I'll be chasing you with my gun 'til way after dark.
Josie: I know you will.
Oh yes, my name is Valerie,
I don't have a salary,
Because I still go to school,
In Boston, you know.
Oh no, I hate running,
Oh no, my feet are tired,
Can I put them in some water to get cool?
Mike: Here's a pool.
Josie: Oh, thankyou, let me just take a ...
Greg: (enters) You guys have really run a long way - you're in Minnesota now! Remember me, Dick Swing-Shift. I was your roommate back here in Minneapolis.
Josie: Oh, Dick. Swinging Dick we used to call him.
Mike: Indeed.
Greg: Remember when we went to the ... Remember when we went to the Prince concert together?
Josie: Oh, I sure did, but tell me about it anyway.
Mike: And those drinks we had. What was that song you sang?
Greg: Oh Minnesota, where you can freeze your buns off,
Oh, Minnesota, home of the Prince Memorial run-off.
Oh, it's a land of snow and cakes,
And chalva, and tiny tea cakes.
It's called
Greg & Mike: Minnesota!
Greg: That's where you are.
Mike: Yeah.
Sandi: (enters) Oh, everybody, so, I think you've been going good in this therapy class so far. It's been very interesting studying you in psychology in the...
Josie: It's my heroine, Doctor Ruth!
Greg: Hey, thanks for helping me with my tennis grip, Doctor Ruth.
Josie: Yes.
Sandi: No, it's no problem. Now, I think we've had a very good experience in drama therapy here, and what I want you to do is I want us all to sing together about what we've learned about our personalities.
Josie: Well it goes like this.
When before I came to you, (Sandi: Oh yes.)
I was kind of shy. (Sandi: So was I, yes.)
But you gave me a drink and those funny cigarettes,
And now I'm feeling kind of high.
Oh, there's one thing I say, no more will I feel a bum,
'Cause this guy has taught me how to run.
Mike: I had a gun.
I used it for fun.
I don't need that gun anymore. (Josie & Greg: Anymore!)
With my darling Valerie,
It's easy as one, two, three,
Thank you Dr. Ruth,
But now we've gotta go.

American Musical: Weeds, Northern Italy and Swimming

Episode 2.10) - Jan Ravens, Mike McShane, Lee Simpson and Tony Slattery
sing about pulling out weeds in the garden, walking in the mountains in Northern Italy, and swimming.

(Jan is swimming, Mike doggy paddles)
Mike: Mum, mum, look! I'm dog paddling!
Jan: Oh, that's lovely darling. I'm so glad your daddy taught you to swim before he died.
Mike: (cries) I wanna drown. I didn't know that carrying me up the stairs would break his back.
Jan: Keep paddling, paddle hard,
Keep paddling, just paddle hard.
You couldn't have known what you did to daddy,
You're only a little picnic laddy.
Mike: I'll keep paddling hard.
Jan: Come to me.
Mike: I'm paddling.
Jan: Paddling hard to mama.
Mike: Mama, I love you.
Lee: (enters) Aha! They think I'm dead, but I'm not! I'm in Northern Italy walking over the mountains. I escaped them, I hated them both, and now I traipse in the fields and the hills and the mountains. I climb the crags and pick the flowers. I'm happy!
Jan: Come on darling, let's step out of the pool now.
Lee: Sometimes I feel so good,
Walking through the wood. (Jan & Mike fly around, whistling like birds)
The birds and the trees and the brambles on the ground,
And I just feel, so so sound,
I feel so good.
Hold on, those aren't birds! That's my wife and my son, oh my god, they've followed me here.
Tony: (enters) Hello everyone! I'm Carlos, I'm the mad gardener. You may think I come from Northern Italy but in fact I come from (Tog Ness?).
What I like to do every day,
To send me merry on me way,
Is go round the garden pulling up weeds,
'Cause that's the type of chap I am.
Mike: He's a yanker.
Mike, Jan & Lee: And a wanker.
Mike: He's a yanker of the weeds.
Mike, Jan & Lee: Yank, yank, yankety yank.
Yank, yank, yankety yank.
Yank, yank, yanking up the weeds.

American Musical: World War II Aeroplanes, School Caretakers and the Pools

(Episode 2.08) - Mike McShane, Josie Lawrence, Ryan Stiles and Neil Mullarkey
sing about (model) World War II Aeroplanes, a caretaker in a school, and winning the Pools.

Mike: Oh, come in Mrs Haversham. I'm just putting the finishing touches on this P51-Mustang, possibly the fastest planes in World War II.
Josie: Oh, you know I used to find everything that you did so interesting, but now I don't. And you know why?
Mike: Why?
Josie: Everything's fine,
I resign. Today.
I just popped in to say I think you're boring.
For sixty years I've come in here,
And watched you explain your plane.
And now I've won the pools and I'm leaving.
Mike: Well you think I'm kind of dull,
And a fool and not into resting.
Maybe you'd find me more alive,
If you saw my leather underdressing.
Josie: Wow!
Mike: I'm sorry, I...
Ryan: (enters) Josie! How are you! It's been years since my divorce!
Mike: Oh.
Ryan: Gee, you haven't won any money lately, have ya? I'm a little down on my luck.
Josie: No. Tell us about it then.
Ryan: I've had to take a job as a caretaker,
Looking after kids down at school. (Josie & Mike: Down at school.)
Teachers like me just fine, but the kids hate my guts,
They think that I'm some kind of fool. (Josie & Mike: Some kind of fool.)
But if I had some money I could get myself up, start all over.
You wouldn't have any on you?
Josie: I'm sorry honey, though the sky is sunny,
And my nose is runny, I'm sorry honey,
I haven't any money, money,
For you. (Mike: No she don't, no she don't.)
Ryan: Oh well, thanks anyway honey. Is this your new husband?
Neil: (enters) Hey look, you've won a million dollars, and I've a huge cheque to prove it!
Josie: Oh, thank you! Oh look, it's Mr Happy Man!
Neil: Yes, you've won the pools. (Josie: I've won the pools!)
Pools, pools, pools.
Money, yes, you've won it!
You won it by the right rules, rules, rules.
Josie: Oh you know, no more do I give a toss,
Since I put in that magical cross.
Oh get down on all fours,
I've got all four score draws.
For you.
Mike: Ruff! I'll be your dog, as long as you're rich. (Josie: I'm rich boys!)
Ryan: I'll be your husband, you stupid bitch! (Josie: Thankyou boys!)
Neil: And I'd just like a cheese sandwich.
Josie: Then you shall have it! (Mike: Laaaa!)


"Bricklaying" the Musical

(Episode 2.11) - Sandi Toksvig & Arthur Smith discuss a musical about Bricklaying, performed by Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane.

Sandi: So, what do you say, (Solazi?)? I see an opening chorus with the hard characters.
Arthur: No, no, I hate it. Two bricks, two bricks.
Sandi: Okay, just two bricks, and they're singing and dancing about life in a wall.

Josie: You know, it's not so bad being a brick.
Mike: Not if you've been well poured, well shaped and stuck with a brick that you like.
Josie: Oh yeah, and I like you. I like the first time I met you.
Oh, the man was working very fast,
A-building up the wall,
He was working faster and faster,
A-slapping it on the plaster.
Mike: When I found myself next to her,
I knew that it was no trick.
I knew that I had finally found,
My one true love that's a brick.
Josie: A brick in love,
Mike: Is a pretty darn lovely thing.
Josie & Mike: A brick in love. Forever.

Sandi: I tell you, I hate it. I hate it.
Arthur: I hate it, it stinks.
Sandi: I hate it, it's too much schmaltz.
Arthur: They're not going to buy bricks in Amer... in mid-west. We need a hooman being.
Sandi: A 'hooman' being?
Arthur: Yeah.
Sandi: A hooman being. How about a hooman being who falls for a cement mixer. It's kind of a whirlwind romance...

Josie: I saw you on the building site, (Mike: Yeah.)
I thought you were a pretty sight. (Mike: Yeah.)
I sense that you're truly alright,
For me. (Mike: You're not so bad.)
Mike: When I first saw you walking down the street, (Josie: Ooohooh!)
I thought there was a very tender piece of meat, (Josie: Ooohoohooh!)
And a guy like me that's sensitive knows these things.
Josie: I like it, I like it when you say "Whooooahhh" (Mike: Whooooahhh!)
I like it.
Mike: I like it, I like it when you say "Oooohooo" (Josie: Oooohooo!)
Josie: And you're the man, who I want to please, (Mike: Louise!)
Together we are like, Mike & Josie: Chalk and cheese!

Sandi: That's good, that's good.
Arthur: Not bad, not bad.
Sandi: But I think for the real one we should use a mechanical cement mixer. It's got more impact.
Arthur: Yeah, singing cement mixer, it smacks a bit of the Muppets.
Sandi: Good, good, good. We need a big finale. Big splash.
Arthur: Yeah, big, big. The whole stage full up.
Sandi: Of what?
Arthur: Of more bricks. No, lose the bricks...
Sandi: Lose the bricks. The bricks have got no...
Arthur: The foreman. The foreman of the site comes in...
Sandi: And he's plastered.
Arthur: He's drunk, he's plastered, and he sings a love song to the wall.

Mike: My wife doesn't understand me,
I'm all alone except for you.
My wife doesn't comprehend me,
I got to find some way to end me.
Josie: Oh no, end it, don't even comprehend it,
No matter call, lean on me I'm your wall.
Mike: You know, I feel a lot better,
Even though it's put burns on my sweater.
You're the kind of wall a guy can lean on.
Josie: Yeah, when it comes to love, I know all the tricks,
I'm a mighty fine wall and I got good bricks... so
Josie & Mike: Lean on me!
Josie: I'm your wall.

"Christmas" the Musical

(Episode 2.07) - Paul Merton & Sandi Toksvig discuss a musical about Christmas, performed by Josie Lawrence, Mike McShane, Tony Slattery and Greg Proops. It features swimming, overeating, and stuffing.

Paul: I see it...
Sandi: Yes, Shane?
Paul: I see it set in a kind of warehouse.
Sandi: Oh, it's good, it's good, it's good. But I see water in the warehouse.
Paul: Water in the warehouse. Yes, lots of water.
Sandi: Yes, it's a watery warehouse.
Paul: Yes it's a swimming pool with a roof and there's a life guard comes in and there's a woman...
Sandi: A girl. She dives up, through the water, and is in a sparkling swimsuit...
Paul: Yes and their eyes meet across the pool and they sing a song of love.

Mike: My, you swim pretty darn good. I'm an Olympic athlete and I haven't seen anyone swim as well as that.
Josie: Oh, well, swimming's easy. You just...
Push one arm over, and make the other one follow.
And what do you know?
Mike & Josie: You're swimming!
Mike: You kick your little feet together,
To and fro, you're swimming.
Josie: You're swimming.
Oh you know it's not easy,
Why not come into the water with me,
And what do you know?
Mike: What do you know?
Mike & Josie: We're swimming!

Sandi: So what we've got is we've got perfect love there.
Paul: Yes, perfect love.
Sandi: With some sleazy bastard who's going to ruin it all for them.
Paul: Yes, but who on earth could play the part of a sleazy bastard and sing and dance... I don't know anyone who could do that...
Sandi: But what he's going to do is take this wonderful warehouse with the swimming pool and turn it into a hideous Roman baths with a vomitorium in it.
Paul: I like it!

Tony: (enters) Okay you two, your fun stops here!
Mike: Hey Mr Boss Man, you're the guy that bought this place out. What do you plan to do with it, huh?
Josie: Yeah!
Tony: I am a member of the landed gentry,
I'm a duke! Yeah!
Mike: You make me puke! (Tony: Correct!)
Tony: And this here swimming pool, no more fun you're gonna have,
'Cause there's gonna be little bits of carrots everywhere!
Josie: Don't worry dear, relaxo,
We won't really be sick, we'll use Paxo!
Mike: That's a good idea,
What the hell is Paxo?

Paul: Yes, I like the lyrical note but I don't think the Americans are going to understand Paxo.
Sandi: But I've got it, I've got it. Their wish to be together goes up into the great firmament of the skies and the Christmas Fairy hears them.
Paul: And sings a lullaby and brings peace and harmony to the planet.
Sandi: Yes, and Sleazy Bastard gets that Christmas Stuffing he deserves.
Paul: Yes, I like it!

Mike: We'll do what you say, okay?
Josie: Whatever you say.
Greg: (enters) Alright everybody, just calm your giblets down!
Mike: Who are you?
Tony: Who's this fairy?
Greg: I'm the Christmas Fairy. I'm the anorexic Santa Claus.
Josie: Ding dong, ding dong.
Mike, Josie & Tony: Ding dong, ding dong.
Greg: Christmas Time is here again,
Let all boys and girls just go for a swim,
That sleazy bastard will get it in the end,
It's Christmas.
Josie: Christmas.
Greg: All the boys and girls are lying asleep, (Tony: All the boys and girls, lying asleep...)
They don't know that Santa's brought sheep, (Tony: Sheep for me...) (Josie: Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding...)
They won't get anything, it's a gip,
It's Christmas. (Tony: Christmas.) (Josie: Christmas.)
Josie: Oh what I'd like for Christmas, (Greg: Yes?)
It's a wish so dear, (Greg: I'll grant it!)
I'd like my swimming pool back again!
Tony: It's here.
Josie: It's here.
Tony & Greg: It's here, a swimming pool is here,
Anything you want (to Josie) for you, (to Tony) not you, my dear.
It's Christmas.
Josie: Christmas.
Mike: Christmas.
Tony: Christma....oooh (Greg punches him in the stomach)

"Election of a Prime Minister" the Musical

(Episode 3.03) - Paul Merton & Sandi Toksvig discuss a musical about the election of a Prime Minister, performed by Jim Sweeney & Mike McShane.

Sandi: I've got a thought.
Paul: Yes?
Sandi: We start in the back rooms of Parliament.
Paul: Good God, that's brilliant!
Sandi: They're discussing - it's intrigue - they're going to kill the incumbent Prime Minister.

Mike: Do you have it?
Jim: Yes I do.
Mike: The secret ballot?
Jim: It's in my pocket, son.
Mike: I'll get it, myself. Oh my God, really him?
Jim: He must be our new PM, unless he dies.
Mike: I've got the money, he's in for a big surprise.
Both: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Paul: I like that, it's intrigue. That's good.
Sandi: It's good, but I think both women are playing it too heavy. Now, the next thing I think is the Prime Minister with the Parliamentary Private Secretary.
Paul: Yes.
Sandi: Talking about what's going to happen.
Paul: Yes.
Sandi: In a sixties rock opera type of way.
Paul: Yes, I can see it exactly. And they look across the desk and they fall in love.

Mike: Ah, Prime Minister. I've been with you so far, and I've got to put this letter down and this pencil and tell you something.
You look magnificent, sitting there. (Jim: Yeah!)
Your flabby white cheeks they fill the chair. (Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah!)
As a symbol of power, you're nothing, (Jim: Thanks a bunch!)
But as a sex monkey, you're something! (Jim: Hey, let's do lunch!)
I love you, (Jim: Love me!)
Love you, (Jim: Love me!)
Every way I can.
I'm your number one powering Parliamentary fan.

Paul: Yes, that's very good. I like that.
Sandi: Sex, intrigue...
Paul: Yes?
Sandi: And now a little death.
Paul: Yes... what do you mean?
Sandi: I think the Prime Minister should die, and in the last death throes...
Paul: He sings a really raunchy reggae number!
Sandi: Yes!

Mike: Quick, the Prime Minister's dying!
Jim: I'm going, I won't be here much longer. It's been a good life as a PM.
Mike: What are we going to do about you? Tell us the plan for the future.
Jim: I'm slpping fast, I'm not here much longer.
Boy, you've got a good (bistonga?)
I'm going, you're gonna be my replacement. (Mike: A ya mon, sing it down!)
You're the PM, the new one see, (Mike starts smoking)
No no more of me, (takes cigarette)
I'm going up, (smokes, speaks in high-pitched voice)
To see my maker.

"Hairdressing" the Musical

(Episode 2.17) - Paul Merton & Tony Slattery discuss a musical about Hairdressing, performed by Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane.

Paul: So this new musical, "Snips". I mean basically, I think it's about the intense rivalry between two hairdressers in the same salon.
Tony: Yes, but one of them has no control over her nervous reactions in her body so it looks like she's having a fit all the time.
Paul: That's the opening number!
Tony: Yeah!

Mike: I cut a little slow around the edge,
She cuts like she's trimming a brambleberry hedge.
Josie: And when I see him perm,
It really makes me squirm.
He's lousy!
I ... hate the way he does her hair.
Mike: I... personally think that she just doens't care.
Josie: You have no flair.
Mike: You're just a bitch.
Josie: And you are just a smitch!

Tony: No, I've got a better idea.
Paul: I'm not sure about "just a smitch" as a rhyme. I don't think they're going to understand it in L.A.
Tony: Or indeed anywhere in the world. The word doesn't exist. What if we set it in Barcelona?
Paul: Barcelona. I like it, I like it.
Tony: And instead of the rivalry, they really want to get it off with one another.
Paul: Yes! Lesbians in Spain!

Mike: (looks annoyed with suggestion)
Daughter of Sappho, your hair is divine.
Daughter of Sappho, how I wish you were mine.
Josie: Oh never ever go away,
Always stay a short cut away,
From me,
Si si si si si si!
Mike: I see you (Josie: Haa!) and you send me loose. (Josie: Hai ha ha ha ha)
I'd like to gel you, and cover you with mousse. (Josie: Oooh)
Josie: Oh Jose, I really want you to try,
To love me forever, or my hair as well as myself will die!

Paul: I don't know, I missed the 'smitch' that time.
Tony: Yes, let's put the smitch back in and set it in 1920s Berlin, with lots of split-crotch panties, but their profession is that they have to knit pubic wigs.
Paul: I like it!

Mike: Oh, sorry madame.
A knit here, a pin that I jerk in,
A tuck here, I've attached your new merkin. (Josie: (in background) Knit One, Purl One, ...etc.)
You'll like it so much,
It's weird to the touch,
Now go over here for your final treatment.
Josie: I like it, it's you,
It would look better in blue. (Mike: (in background) Knit One, Purl One,... etc.)
Don't you think that's true?
Other hairdressers make me sick,
What you need is ... pubic!
It's all the rage.
And it suits your age.
Mike & Josie: Knit One, Purl One, Knit one, Purl One,
Knit One, Purl One, Oh!

"Wasps" the Musical

(Episode 3.05) - Colin Mochrie & Sandi Toksvig discuss a musical about Wasps, performed by Mike McShane & Tony Slattery.

Sandi: Okay, okay, young lovers, okay?
Colin: Wasps.
Sandi: Young lover wasps. That's right, that's exactly what I was going to say.
Colin: Yes, wasps. They're very big in the marketplace today.
Sandi: Right, so they're out together and they fancy each other, and they do the traditional wasp song.
Colin: Yes, wondering why they're not producing honey.

Tony: Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzzzzz.
I like you, I like your stripes,
I like your size and I like your sting.
I want to marry you, here's your wedding dress,
Here's your gold and silver honey-made ring.
Mike: Oh, I'd like to take this ring,
But there's one important thing,
We've been going out a long time I mean,
You're a slave, and I'm the Queen.

Sandi: The slave goes out and he sees this beautiful young girl.
Colin: Yes.
Sandi: And he decides he's going to sting her.
Colin: Okay.
Sandi: But if he stings her, he'll die.
Colin: With a hacking cough.
Sandi: In a 1920s flapper number.

Mike: What a day, what a day,
What a day to pick some flowers.
What a day, what a day,
I could pick for hours and hours.
...(pauses, expecting Tony to sing)
Look a little wasp,
He's got a stinger, he wonders what it'll cost.
Tony: I'm gonna sting you right through your head,
And when I sting you, we're going to bed.
Let's do it now, let's flap our wings and fly away.
Mike: Okay.

Sandi: It was a great song and a helluva dance, wasn't it?
Colin: Years later....
Sandi: The slave, the slave wasp is dying, having left his sting in the woman, and the Queen...
Colin: Feeling really bad that she rejected him, comes back to pay her final respects.
Sandi: At his death bed. It's so sad!
Colin: It's really dramatic.

Mike: You're dying, (Tony: I'm dying.)
I just came to say goodbye. (Tony: Goodbye.)
No flying, (Tony: No flying.)
No more, just say goodbye.
Tony: But since you've offered to be my wife,
I've got a new lease of life,
Let's fly, let's fly and sting our days away.
Mike: You're alive again,
We'll be better friends,
Let's sting our way to fame!
Tony: Okay, honey!


Musical Film Review - "The First Man Into Space"

(Episode 3.07) - Paul Merton reviews "The First Man Into Space", performed by Mike McShane, Jim Sweeney & Steve Steen.
Description: "An astronaut runs into a cloud of meteor dust and returns to Earth a vampirish killer".

Paul: The First Man into Space is a wonderful movie. It begins with a meteorite shower that splashes all the way through this spaceship and turns the man inside into a singing whirling dervish.

Mike: I'll go outside and check the front of the cockpit, guys. My God! Visors Down! Safety visors down! Shields up! We have a meteor shower coming in quick! Oh my god, oh my god!
They're coming, millions of meteors.
They're coming, so fast and furious.
They're coming, some are green,
Some are yellow, some are simply curious.
They're ripping through the spaceship,
1, 2, 3, they're breaking apart,
And now they've hit me, I'm changing,
I feel something strange happening in my heart.

Paul: Meanwhile, back at Earth Control, the two scientists whose idea it was to send the man into space are rather worried about the messages they're getting over the radio and they decide to sing their doubts to each other.

Jim & Steve: Bababada dum, ba dum, ba dum, ba dum.
Steve: Let me tell you, I'm kind of worried, (Jim: Ba Doo Ba Di Doo)
About old George Burried, (Jim: Ba Doo Ba Di Doo)
He's out there, among those rocks,
Hey did you know, he's wearing odd socks?
You know that if he gets those strange hunger pains, (Jim: Ba Doo Ba Di Doo)
I'm worried that he might grow fangs, (Jim: Ba Doo Ba Di Doo)
And some poor guy's gonna get it in the neck.
Let's call him back. BOTH: Oh, what the heck!

Paul: He arrives back on Earth and as he emerges from the spaceship, he bites each one of them on the neck. They sing a song before they die, and the vampire realises he cannot breathe the oxygen of Earth and he dies after he's killed them as well, but not before he finishes the big finale of the musical, which is a wonderful song to behold.
Clive: Yes, bit simple that Paul, but...

Jim: Look, the door's opening. He's coming out.
(Mike is wearing paper fangs)
Steve: Aah!
Jim: Oh my god!
Steve: Now, now, George.
Jim: Hang on there a minute, George.
(Mike bites Steve)
Steve: Going fast, going now,
Please say goodbye to my old cow.
You know how I really love that heffer,
Please tell me she'll be better.
Look after her, George, look after him.
I know it is a terrible sin.
He's drained me now of all my blood,
And I'm gonna fall face down in the mud. (collapses)
(Mike bites Jim)
Jim: Oh, oh,
George, George, that was so nice,
Don't do it once, why don't you do it twice,
When you bite me in the neck it makes me feel so fine.
Time for me to die.
Time for me to die.
Time for me to die.
Time for me to die. (collapses)
Mike: I killed them all, they are dead,
And I've got a funny feeling in my head. (Jim & Steve start dancing on the ground)
I can't stand it here,
It really sucks, this atmosphere,
So I'll die, goodbye,
Goodbye, bye, bye.