Join us now as we look back at the month spent on the island; the triumphs, the pitfalls, the relationships, the anger, the bitterness, the making of, the bits you didn't get to see the first time round because our producer didn't get it either, the knowing smiles, the backstabbing, the bitching, the giant inflatable walrus, the weather, the price of fish in China, and a few shots of Richard's naked butt too.
In the end, there was only one - WHOSE LINE SURVIVOR.
(zoom in across the audience to a modified WL set - the back of the set is hidden bar a gap in the middle through which the performers enter. Either side of the gap, the chairs have been replaced by two-levelled benches angled slightly inwards. Front left is a rather wider than usual host's desk. We pan up from the set to see Clive standing at the top of the aisle in the audience)
CLIVE: Good evening and welcome to the Whose Line Survivor Reunion - the show which brings together the sixteen performers in a pathetic attempt to produce more high-rating material.
(Pan back down the aisle to reveal Drew now sitting on one side of the hosting desk)
DREW: Yep, it's the show where the bitchiness is real and the points have been sharpened and aimed directly at the throat. I'm your host, Drew Carey, he's your other host, Clive Anderson, so c'mon down, let's have some fun!
CLIVE: Well, if you insist...
(Clive runs down the aisle and takes his seat next to Drew)
DREW: And on tonight's show...
(as they are introduced, the contestants enter through the rear of the set, greet the crowd and take their seats on the
benches - Clive tribe on the left, Carey on the right).
CLIVE: He didn't smile once on the island, but that's nothing unusual, Paul Merton!
DREW: He didn't have time to become familiar with the rice diet, Mike McShane!
CLIVE: Her mama wasn't there to help her or provide a poor rhyme for her name, Karen Maruyama!
DREW: Not the most successful Robinson Crusoe imitator, John Sessions!
CLIVE: He mixed the island martinis, Chip Esten!
DREW: Her island cooking beats the restaurant hands down, Denny Siegel!
CLIVE: He's is no way a floody tod, Steve Steen!
DREW: Being tall means you can reach the higher food, Ryan Stiles!
CLIVE: Maybe he shoulda been the island detective, Jim Sweeney!
DREW: The last female islander in captivity, Josie Lawrence!
CLIVE: Like his name, on the ground at the 'crack' of dawn, Stephen Frost!
DREW: OOooooooOOOOOoooh! It's Tony Slattery!
CLIVE: Oh Alice! You know kids, I think we could all learn a lot from Wayne Brady!
DREW: Hanging with the island monkeys, Brad Sherwood!
CLIVE: Anyone making a bald joke will have me to answer to - Colin Mochrie!
DREW: And the winner of our little game, Greg Proops!
CLIVE: Ladies and gentlemen, the contestants!
DREW: You do that so well.
DREW: We also have a couple of other special guests. Providing our music and much entertainment on the island, the multitalented Richard Vranch joining Laura Hall! (Richard enters and sits at the piano; Laura is already at a keyboard next to it)
CLIVE: And joining us live from the taping of Survivor 2: The Antwerp Wilderness is our host, Jeff.
(Jeff appears on the Film Dub screen)
JEFF: Hi guys!
CLIVE: Well, let's get started by asking everyone - just what was it like on the island?
PAUL: It was wonderful. A truly enjoyable experience.
BRAD: Yeah, but you spent the entire time in your mansion with jacuzzi, pool table and walk-in boulder.
CLIVE: So you're saying things were pretty tough for those who stuck it out to the end?
BRAD: Am I ever! If I ever see another grain of rice...
BRAD: ... I'll force it to apologise for it's very existence at gunpoint.
CLIVE: And I believe Ryan was spotted doing that very thing one night on the island...
RYAN: Right, that's it you little... think you're so smug with your elongated shape. You're nothing but a sticky little piece of
... say you're sorry!... say it damn you!... hey - who's there! Show yourself... (comes towards camera) What do you think you're
doing? I don't want this stuff ever going to air. Hand over the tape. Now... (camera tilts) I said hand it over! (camera turns
and runs through the forest) I'm gonna get you! You can't get away!
(the camera continues running crazily through the trees, then stops and we see the cameraman's face in close-up)
CAMERAMAN: I'm so scared! ... He's gone crazy! He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us all. I never should have taken this job... but I was stupid and following him was my project and it's all my fault... I'm sorry guys... it's all MY fault and I'm SO sorry...
CLIVE: Well, while I tot up the income from that little advertisement, we're going to take a break. See you in a moment.
COLIN: I have an issue to raise.
DREW: Go ahead.
COLIN: Actually I'd like to raise it with Jeff if I may.
JEFF: Colin, Greg won fair and square.
COLIN: Yes, I understand that...
GREG: Not backstage you didn't...!
COLIN: ... but I don't really care about the million anyway.
GREG: There was a MILLION? How come I never got the prize?
DREW: It was a million points. So it didn't matter.
COLIN: But I think I can make far more by sueing you and the producers.
JEFF: What for? Rigging the votes or something? Convincing certain key Whosers to vote for you?
JEFF: Oh... okay. Not that any of that happened, of course...
COLIN: No, it's about this new series you're doing. WL Survivor 2: The Antwerp Wilderness. Now it seems to be absolute nonsense anyway. It's clearly set in Australia, features no Whose Line contestants whatsoever, uses stock footage to make things look more dangerous than they are, and I can't say I've ever come across any sliding puzzles or pontoons in my outback trips. But I have a more important issue with the series.
JEFF: What's that?
COLIN: I'm sueing for breach of copyright. You've stolen my idea from the immunity challenges in this series. I've brought a clip.
JEFF: Clive, Drew, don't let him...
CLIVE: Actually I think this might be rather interesting!
JEFF: Please, you don't know...
DREW: Squirm, Jeffy. Squirm!
(the video link goes snowy and is then replaced by a "Normal transmission will be resumed as soon as possible" sign)
CLIVE: Indeed. Well I might just go back and refresh my memory of courtroom procedure.
DREW: And we'll be back right after I've evidenced this break.
DREW: Welcome back to the Whose Line Survivor Reunion episode. Now we're running out of time here, is there anything that anyone
wanted to say before we go?
STEPHEN: There's something I'd like to know...
STEPHEN: Can we play a little bit from the day 23 tribal council?
(an arrow goes flying across the clearing and embeds itself in a tree. Greg goes over to investigate)
GREG: It says... "Surrender Dorothy".
BRAD: I don't know what that means, but I think we'd better vote anyway.
(the contestants all look around, wondering who spoke)
DREW: Who said that?
(PAUL steps forward)
PAUL: It was me.
(silence for a moment)
COLIN: Paul, how could you endanger our lives like...
(he stops as Paul holds up a hand for quiet)
PAUL: I didn't want to hurt anybody. I was hoping you'd figure it out. Colin, you as the runner-up. And Ryan, always complaining
about the rice. And who came through and beat you both?
RYAN: What's the rice got to do with it?
COLIN: I know Greg won, don't rub it in.
PAUL: It's not about rubbing it in. It's about playing fair. Jeff, you said before that Greg won fair and square.
JEFF: Yes, he did.
PAUL: Well... fair, yes, by the rules of the game. But perhaps not so square. Did you ever wonder why he had so much energy in those immunity games?
COLIN: He's just an energetic guy...
PAUL: A little too energetic. You see, after I got kicked off first, I had plenty of time to myself. So I hunted around a bit, found some interesting details about the island's past.
GREG: Stop talking in riddles, just get back to the note already.
PAUL: Okay. Think it through then. Who could 'Dorothy' be? Now that you know who wrote the note?
JOSIE: Of course... your ex. Caroline Quentin. Dorothy on "Men Behaving Badly".
PAUL: Correct. And also a Whose Line contestant, known for...?
JOSIE: Lounge singer hands through? Film & Theatre Styles with me? Our duets?
RYAN & COLIN: (together) THE BEACHED WHALE LOVE SONG!!!!
COLIN: That diary entry said something about blubber...
PAUL: Indeed it did. And remember when you came over to our camp?
BRAD: You said we were eating Archie on a spit. But we just saw him alive and well.
DREW: Would you mind putting this together for me, it's still making a sense that ... doesn't.
PAUL: Okay. When the original series was being filmed, a whale beached itself. It didn't survive, so they preserved it and used it as a food supply. Well, they preserved it well... but after that unfortunate accident the series was cancelled, never to air. We found the whale near where the ousted tribe set up camp. It gave us the energy to put together all those little luxuries. I named it Dorothy in reference to that song. Nothing too obvious, I didn't want to rememember my entire past every time I ate. But I have to give credit for such an amazing song where it's due.
CLIVE: It was great. Go on.
PAUL: Well, when you all came over, I figured "we have plenty" so we shared it with you. But it's meant to be tough out here - the show is Survivor after all - so I kind of told a little white lie so that you wouldn't think we had mountains of good food for you to live off. But shortly afterwards, we noticed that bits of 'Dorothy' were going missing. Someone was stealing it - and one night I lay in wait. It didn't take long - about an hour later, someone came through the trees and picked up a large chunk of meat. They moved quickly - I didn't get a close look, but they were definitely wearing a snazzy suit and glasses. Nobody else had access to that kind of fashion on the island, it must've been Greg.
GREG: Hey, I'm innocent, okay!
COLIN: You're sure about this?
PAUL: I fired the message off to scare him away from doing it again. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
GREG: You damn near killed me!
PAUL: Sorry, my aim's not very good.
JEFF: So did he go back to the cave for more?
PAUL: No, that was the last time we had to worry about our food being stolen. But it wasn't Greg anyway...
GREG: Told you.
PAUL: I never said the food was kept in a cave. Thankyou, Jeff, for dobbing yourself in.
COLIN: Of course. Jeff had all the access to any wardrobe he needed... he simply dressed like Greg.
GREG: Give him some credit, looking that cool takes a lot of work!
PAUL And then tried to set him up, so that the game would be void, the series would be cancelled and Jeff could walk away with the prize money, through some incredibly unlikely condition in his contract. They really should fix that.
ARCHIE: Jeff, you're coming with me. Let's start with some fingerprints.
JEFF: But you haven't got any ink.
ARCHIE: I've got orange juice. Now come on.
(a camera flash goes off before the screen fades to snow)
PAUL: Thankyou for helping, Greg. I knew if he thought I suspected you, he'd slip up and say something.
GREG: Anytime, dude.
CLIVE: Yes, well... uh... with that in mind, keep an eye out for our next WL Reality TV Series, "Moment of Temptation to the Super-Greedy Big Brother Bachelor's Deal to Marry the Weakest Millionaire Popstar Mole on the Block, Shipwrecked in a Blitz on the Treasure Island Camp From Hell".
DREW: Coming to ABC this fall. Probably every night.
CLIVE: Until then, this is me, Clive Anderson...
DREW: And me, Drew Carey.
CLIVE: Saying Goodnight.
(closing credits roll, read by the winner Greg in the style of Jeff)