JEFF: Previously, on WL Survivor...
JEFF: I'll just tote the votes. (walks off)
GREG: He's a poet and he didn't know it.
JEFF: I can't tell you how close this was, because I want you to feel a whole lot worse about it than it was. But totalling up the votes, I see that Tony is this week's loser.
TONY: OoooOOOOOoooh! Naughty!
JEFF: Spank me later, Tony. The rest of you, get some sleep. You have a jam-packed last few days on the island.
GREG: Does that mean we're being given condiments?
COLIN: No sex on the island, Greg.
BRAD: Left hand, red.
WAYNE: Geez, it's getting quiet out here.
GREG: A little... TOO... quiet.
COLIN: And quieter by the day now.
BRAD: Right foot green.
WAYNE: You think someone's planning something?
GREG: These accidents are getting me worried. And suspicious.
BRAD: Right hand blue.
COLIN: We'd better be careful.
WAYNE: I think so. Someone could get hurt.
BRAD: Right foot yellow.
GREG: Brad, nobody's been playing for the last half hour.
COLIN: Keep a look out for anything suspicious.
(as he says this, a nearby tree comes crashing down onto the tent. A husky chuckle emanates from the forest)
GREG: Man, that was close.
WAYNE: Over to the World Crisis Monitor, quick! I want to get off this island ASAP!
JEFF: Hi guys. Tonight we're playing a game called Pan...(cough) erm... World's Worst. I want you all to stand on the step and come up with examples of the World's Worst person to join the cast for Survivor II.
GREG: "Lewis, get me some food..."
WAYNE: "I just called to say, I love you"
BRAD: "I brought the lederhosen... oh, AustrALia..."
COLIN: "Hi, I'm Jeff Probst."
WAYNE: "Oh no, I broke a nail!"
GREG: "Sure, I peed in the water. So?"
BRAD: "Food? What food?"
COLIN: "How do you calm the spirits of the river? ... I don't know."
GREG: "It's nice being out here under the full moon... raowwwwwwww!"
BRAD: "Hi, I'm Richard 'eleven twelves are 123' Hat..."
COLIN: "I've had experience working on the set of El Dorado."
WAYNE: "Can I phone a friend?"
GREG: "I should warn you, I sing in my sleep..."
COLIN: "Kill the pig! Bash its skull!"
WAYNE: "Hi, I'm Ally McBeal."
GREG: "Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc."
BRAD: "Hi, I'm Regis Philbin."
COLIN: "Hi, I'm drunk, I'm horny and I'll take anything that moves..."
JEFF: (BUZZ) Whoah! Stop it right there before we have to call in the censors! Oh, too late, I see. Well, for taking things just that step too far, and in spite of some of your suggestions... I'm going to reward that effort, Colin. Immunity goes to you this week. The rest of you, prepare the spare pair of underwear.
(as they enter, Colin trips over something)
COLIN: Did you see what that was?
GREG: It was pulled back into the forest as soon as you fell.
BRAD: Looked like something yellow.
WAYNE: And long.
GREG: And feathery.
COLIN: What, you mean like a feather boa or something?
JEFF: (enters the clearing) Oh, ah... you're here. Welcome, tribesfellows. Four of you left, including our winner. But that means that there's tonight and two more eliminations still to go. So you're not home free yet by any means. It's looking very like an American finale, but we now turn to the Whosers to decide for one of the last few times, which American won't be making it any further. Is it Greg, Wayne or Brad?
(he disappears into the forest. A mole, a rat, a toad and a badger are scared out of the bushes. After a few moments, Jeff returns)
JEFF: I've just totted up me votes.
GREG: You can get arrested for that in some states.
JEFF: Colin, you're staying. But you already knew that. Greg... stays. Brad... also stays. And Wayne...
WAYNE: Alright, I'm going. But I'm taking this to court - I demand a recount!
JEFF: Tribal law rules on the island. So I am the law.
WAYNE: Stop lying. Give me the truth.
JEFF: You can't handle the truth.
WAYNE: Fine, I'm going.
GREG: (picks up the water bottle) Either of you cuties want a drink?
COLIN: (comes out of the forest with the axe) A drink! Dammit, of course I want a drink! I'm the only one who does any work around here!
(he takes the bottle and hands Brad the axe to hold)
COLIN: Ooh, that's good. Oh, that's fantastic. That's just... ooh...
BRAD: Hey! Don't drink all the water! That has to last us two more days you moron!
COLIN: I love you when you're angry.
BRAD: (takes the bottle) Give it here! (hands Greg the axe) Ooh... it's so cool and sensual... oh.
GREG: Stop that! It's disgusting! Colin, quit lazing around and go get more wood! (hands him the axe)
COLIN: Oh, I have to get all the wood again, do I????!!!
BRAD: Refresh yourself first, baby... (hands Colin the bottle)
COLIN: WHY WON'T ANYONE GIVE ME A SHAG???!!! (throws the objects down in anger)
GREG: What the hell just happened here?
BRAD: Let us never speak of this conversation again.
JEFF: Welcome people. Today we're going to try a little bit of Green Screen. We've had this screen specially flown over from some place which isn't very funny so I won't mention it. Colin, you're in front of the screen. Brad and Greg, you're asking the questions. Take it away.
GREG: Hi, I'm Bulky Package.
BRAD: And I'm Hunky Thighblaster.
GREG: And we interrupt your regular program for this special report. We have Torque Nielsen out in the field, can you hear me Torque?
COLIN:I can hear you bulky.
(on the screen behind him are shots of Richard walking around naked)
GREG: Can you describe how all this started?
COLIN: Well, apparently someone told somebody else a dirty joke, and things just escalated from there.
BRAD: Torque, have you ever seen anything like this before?
COLIN: I had once, but I was able to forget that after long sessions of therapy.
GREG: Can you describe what we're seeing now?
COLIN: I would like to, but I think the pictures speak for themselves. It's quite insane.
BRAD: Would you describe it as a big or a small one?
COLIN: I'd say... probably pretty typically sized.
GREG: After watching this, I'm guessing you might be heading off for a stiff drink?
COLIN: I'll be drinking all night after this, I can tell you.
BRAD: Have you seen any eruptions of the 'mud volcano' yet?
COLIN: I have, but there wasn't very much to see up until this all began.
GREG: You don't feel that this kind of journalism is scraping the bottom of the barrel?
COLIN: I think journalism has much further to fall than this, yes.
BRAD: And do you think you can get him to bare all in an interview?
COLIN: We've seen it all before, and I'm certain we'll see it all again.
GREG: Well, thankyou for that report, Torque, and we'll let you go have that drink.
COLIN: Thankyou Hunky and Bulky. Down the Hatch!
JEFF: (BUZZ) I think you've pretty much got that Colin.
COLIN: Sadly, yes.
JEFF: And as fun as the questions were, I think that effort is deserving of immunity. So Brad and Greg, you're in the hot seat again and that's not helping you win the million. See you tonight.
JEFF: A fun day for you all today?
GREG: Apart from the grenade planted under that Captain's hat on the beach.
BRAD: And the strange 'boogie woogie' sounds coming from the forest.
COLIN: I won immunity again!
GREG: Thankyou Colin, you can stop telling us now...
JEFF: Time to call for another vote, then. Who misses out on being the snake or the rat, and goes away merely an ocelot or monkey? Greg or Brad?
(he disappears into the forest, then returns. Moments later, a fireball erupts from the voting area)
COLIN: Phew, that was lucky...
BRAD: You coulda been killed!
JEFF: Nah, it's just ABC destroying the evidence. Or do I mean Bush? And congratulations to this week's winner... Brad.
JEFF: And your home viewer was?
BRAD: Mrs Eileen Featherstone, 24 Acacia Street, Richmond.
JEFF: Thankyou, she gets $20,000 for her, and now everyone knows where they can steal it from. Although perhaps fortunately she also gets kicked out of her own house. Colin and Greg, have fun alone tonight...
COLIN: I've rigged up the World Crisis Monitor to get us an
Internet connection. I just need something to attach the aerial...
GREG: Try my gum.
COLIN: Thanks. Now, if we connect to chatnet... and channel #wliia...
GREG: Cool, there's plenty of 'em here.
COLIN: I'll just ask them if they can help. Let's see... yellow boa... captain's hat... cigarette smoke and the words "boogie woogie".
COLIN: They say 'Peter Cook'.
GREG: Wait, I remember it now... there was something about this through the WL alumni grapevine. He was involved in that first attempt at Whose Line Survivor... but he didn't survive the experience. That must be why it never aired...
COLIN: So it must be his ghost playing all these pranks.
(throaty laughter echoes around the camp)
GREG: Well, we gotta get to council...
(Jeff is crouching down near the voting box. As the gong rings he quickly heads over to the clearing)
JEFF: Colin, Greg... uh... hi. Welcome to the last tribal council.
I will give you both an opportunity to state your cases, and call on the
last 8 departing tribespeople to ask you a question. Colin, why should you win?
COLIN: I'm a Canadian.
JEFF: Sounds good. Greg?
GREG: I hate the English.
JEFF: Congratulations. Maybe you could expand on those a little?
COLIN: I've had a great time here on the island, marred only by the departure of my companion Ryan - but then, that stopped him outshining me, so I guess good things come from bad. I've done well in all the challenges, and put my dinosaur and chicken impersonations to great use during the time. And, I invented the Internet. On the island, I mean.
GREG: I stopped the island from falling into total stuck-up chaos at the hands of the Brits. I kept us all heading in the right direction and on the logic train rails, plus I was the host for numerous games. I've caught some fish in the past on this island, and I've caught some fish in the future. I've taught the monkeys to read, because I think if they can read then they can pass a literacy test. And, I promise to do for this island what I've done to England.
JEFF: Fine. Now, the first of our council members... Steve.
STEVE: Were either of you part of an alliance?
COLIN: I allied with everyone separately.
GREG: I secretly worked against Clive tribe.
RYAN: Can't we all just get along?
JIM: Think of a number between one and ten.
GREG: The square root of 5.
JIM: Both correct.
JOSIE: Did you like my rice?
COLIN: From day one...
GREG: ...until about day three, max.
STEPHEN: Who do you think will win?
GREG: No, YOU!
COLIN: No way, it's yours!
GREG: I said YOU, dammit!
TONY: Who got up to the most naughty things whilst on the island?
GREG: Remember that milk we had... remember how there aren't any cows on the island?
JEFF: It wasn't...?
GREG: Yeah. Soy milk!
COLIN: I danced around the fire naked when everyone was asleep.
JOHN: Not quite everyone... (holds up his video camera)
COLIN: How much do you want for the tape...?
JOHN: Oh, I don't want your money.... the tape will do.
WAYNE: Sing a hoedown for me.
COLIN: "I want to win the money, I really really do,
Cause then to sing this hoedown, I can just pay you.
Since you can sing really really well and...
Well I'll just leave it up to you to finish it off."
GREG: "I'd like to win Survivor, oh it would be such fun,
I'd probably hop and jump and skip and go and dance and run,
Because if I had that money, it would make my pocket hot,
And I could finally buy myself a well-trained ocelot."
BRAD: Have you figured out who the saboteur is yet?
COLIN: We have our suspicions.
GREG: You'll hear them tomorrow.
JEFF: Er... ok then. Well, all of that was for naught, because as usual the Whosers get to pick who wins anyway. So, for the final time, I call on you to choose. Who will be the survivor? Greg or Colin?
(he goes into the forest. While he is gone, Dudley Moore rushes through the clearing spraying gas blow darts. Fortunately, he misses actually hitting anyone)
JEFF: I'm back... did anything happen while I was gone?
COLIN: Nothing of note.
JEFF: Okay. Well, I've tallied up the votes, so we should probably find out who's taking this competition and a lovely trophy home with them. And we'll find out who the winner is... (turns to camera)... after this break.
(Various over-priced commercials screen)
JEFF: And we're back. And the winner is...
GREG: The natives are restless.
COLIN: They're not the only ones.
JEFF: Congratulations.... GREG!
COLIN: (sad look to get the sympathy of the audience)
JEFF: Well done, and that wraps up our time here on the island, so it just...
GREG: Hold on a minute, buddy boy.
GREG: There's just one more matter. Our mysterious saboteur.
JEFF: Oh come on, it's obviously the ghost of Peter Cook who went missing at the first WL Survivor tapings.
COLIN: And just how would you know that?
GREG: Yeah, how would you know that? Unless... (he goes over to the voting booth and pulls out a white wig) Aha!
COLIN: It was you all along...
JEFF: All right, I admit it. I wanted to live on this tropical paradise,
but after the series goes to air... well, everyone's gonna want to come here for
a holiday. There'll be no peace and quiet whatsoever. And the ousted tribe built that
lovely mansion, I was planning to shift the pool table and sauna over there and live
out a happy life. But now... now that's never gonna happen.
JEFF: Crowds, tourists, holiday-makers. My dreams, all in ruins. I thought if there were a few accidents it might turn people off, maybe even stop the series going to air again.
GREG: And that was worth it?
JEFF: If you hadn't found me out, then yeah. I thought the Peter Cook thing would make a nice cover story. It wasn't true, by the way... he did make it back. CBS just didn't think the show was fast-paced enough to air it back then. So I set up a few little accidents... just to ensure my paradise was left alone. And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky performers.
COLIN: You know, we never actually told anyone where this island was...
GREG: And they need never know...
JEFF: Thanks, guys.
COLIN: And we're taking the boat with us.
GREG: So you _can_ stay here... FOREVER.
JEFF: But wait... supplies...
JEFF: (meekly) Okay.
GREG: Thanks. Now what?
JEFF: Well, it just remains for me to thank the contestants. Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops, Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Karen Maruyama, Denny Siegel, Josie Lawrence, Tony Slattery, John Sessions, Jim Sweeney, Steve Steen, Mike McShane, Paul Merton, Stephen Frost, the Whosers who voted, and Richard Vranch at the tropical bar piano and other island instruments. And this is me, Jeff Probst, saying goodnight. Goodnight!
GREG: I'd like to thank the Academy... erm... the producers, all my fellow cast members for being not as good as I was. The island girl from night eight, you know who you are. Now, can somebody please tell me what prize I actually won...?
VOICEOVER: "Coming in January, the WL Survivor reunion. We bring your favourite
contestants back together to see what they thought of the show, what went on behind the
scenes, and what they've been doing since. Plus, a live cross to the making of WL Survivor
II: The Antwerp Wilderness. Coming to WBiiA? in January 2001.
And coming up next on WBiiA?, "Days of our Whosers". Tonight, Mark says farewell as he heads off on an extended trip overseas. And since he's not travelling TO Australia, we can presume he will actually return at some point. And later tonight, "Night thoughts" sees some controversy over the final result of WL Survivor. That's all coming up, on WBiiA?."