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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Favourite Lines

If you have favourite lines or scenes to add, send them in!

Please remember to include a name or nickname in the message to attribute the lines to.
For long scenes you can just describe them (e.g "Maltese Burger Joint, Ryan's foal").

Mistakes will be left - memories aren't 100% accurate, but it's more fun that way!

Mark's:

  • Credit Reading - (Two producers pitching an idea to a studio boss)
    Greg: "Clive Anderson, he's the bad guy".
    Ryan: "He's got no hair!".
    Greg: "Completely bald!"
    Ryan: "But here's the twist, he's a deep-sea Nazi captain, but he flies!"
    Greg: "And then Dan Patterson swoops down and kills everybody".
    Ryan: "It's a happy ending!"
  • Film and Theater Styles - Clive learns politeness won't work with Greg.
    Clive: "Greg, can you play a child..."
    Greg: "Oh no, contractually I'm forbidden to".
  • Film and Theater Styles
    Ryan: "Look, Brad, this may be a mission that one of us doesn't come back from."
    Colin: "I hope it's you."
  • Film and Theater Styles
    Ryan: "I didn't know how to tell you this, but one of the people on the yacht that sank.... your wife."
    Colin: "My God... I guess we'd better save her anyway."
  • Film and Theater Styles - (two people on a plane, Tennessee Williams)
    Ryan: "Why look, out on the wings - injuns!" (engines).
  • Film and Theater Styles
    Greg: "Where's that famous pluck, Clive?".
    Clive: "Is that rhyming slang?"
  • Hats - Colin (Viking helmet) "I'm going to make love to you till I'm Thor."
  • Hats - Ryan: (various times) "I really have nothing to say, I just like this hat"
  • Hats - Colin: (Roman crested helmet) "Ben Hur... now I've bin' him."
  • Narrate - In a laundromat.
    Colin: "I didn't notice the tank until he opened the door. It was a tank - how could you not notice that? Boy. Weird, huh?"
  • Narrate - hunting.
    Ryan: "He doesn't think I noticed the big hatchet sticking in the top of his head. I'd thrown it while he wasn't looking, not 10 minutes ago. If it didn't bother him, it didn't bother me."
    Colin: "Actually, it did bother me. I mean, I have a hatchet in my head. That's gotta hurt, right. Well, doesn't it?"
    Ryan: "I suddenly realised he could hear everything I was ..."
  • News Report - Little Bo Peep.
    Mike (Bo Peep): "I went out the back to take a piss. I went... I don't believe I just said that. I'm sorry, I've been drinking with the sheep. I found them in a pub".
    Greg (host): "Thankyou, Kineesha. Little Bo Peep, she's wasted, what about leaving them alone and letting them come home, wagging their tails?".
    Ryan (expert): "Would you come home if a 300 pound woman was pissing on you?"
  • Party Quirks - Josie Lawrence (thinks she's a cow - to Greg, in a cow-patterned vest) "Are you taking the mick?"
  • Party Quirks - Paul Merton (Clive presses the buzzer instead of the doorbell) "Hang on, there's somebody at the microwave".
  • Scenes From a Hat - Worst job in the world.
    Mike: "I'm here to buff Clive's head".
  • Scenes From a Hat - 2 politicians meet in the urinals.
    Rory: "You know, it makes a change to take the piss out of myself".
  • Superheroes - Ryan: (greeting Greg who is Impotence Boy) "Sorry I was late, I didn't think I was going to be able to come. But then, you should know all about that".
  • Superheroes
    Clive: "Any time I say 'jelly', that means 'jello' in America".
    Greg: "And every time I say 'naff git' that means Clive."
Freda:
  • World's Worst - person to be stuck in a lift with.
    Paul: "Hello, I'm John Sessions" (audience CHEERS!)
Tim Archer:
  • World's Worst - person to be stuck in a lift with.
    Paul: "Hello, my name's John Sessions" (this line seems to be a popular choice!)
Ciaran Conliffe:
  • World's Worst - chat-up lines.
    Rory: (wearing glasses, in John Major voice) "Hello. I'm the leader of an influential nation".
  • Newsflash - Rory: (as King Kong's feet thunder past behind him) "No, you can't really see much from here".
  • Bartender - Clive: "Does teddy bear mean something else in America?"
  • Blind Date - Josie: (speaking of Ryan, who (I think) was a misogynist) "Actually, he sounds like my ex..."
  • Weird Newscasters - Ryan (co-presenter - has shell-shock from Vietnam), Steve Frost (sports desk - a gambling addict), Colin (weathergirl - had recently been dumped by Greg), and Greg as the lone bastion of society.
  • Weird Newscasters - Ryan (a werewolf) runs to the back of the studio, howling, jumping over the chairs, and disappearing into the wild blue yonder.
Niles417:
  • Party Quirks - Tony Slattery - beginning the party, stands there doing nothing.
    Clive: "Is your party underway?"
    Tony: "Yes it is."
    Clive: "No drinks or music?"
    Tony: "No, it's a very quiet affair. (pause) That's why you're not invited."
  • Superheroes - An audience member suggests Greg Proops be Captain Floppy.
    Greg: "Have we dated?"
  • World's Worst - Thing for a doctor to say.
    Ryan: "With friends like this, who needs enemas?"

  • Tony: "All right Mrs Johnson, just put your breasts there..." (cups hands in front of him then buries his face in his hands and shakes it around) "Hbbbbbbb!"
  • Hoedown - Colin sings about riding a donkey.
    "I love to ride my donkey, I ride him all day long.
    He is very, very, very, very, very strong."
    (stops singing and stands there smiling while Richard Vranch plays for another 30 seconds, expecting another verse. Colin never sings one.)
Doug Adams:
  • American Musical - Mike, Tony, Mark and Josie in the Mumps, Birth of children, Travelling the world musical.
  • Film and Theater Styles - Disney - Archie as a baby duck watching dad going down the throat of a rock python.
  • Film and Theater Styles - Mike recruiting Tony for his magnificent 7.
    Mike: "So, you're Lumbago DeLatour, noted dog raper. Well listen here, poochy boy, if you're good enough to make it in this man's army we'll pin a medal on you. Otherwise we'll pin a bullet ... right here!" (points at Tony's head)
    Tony: "Shut up and put this collar on!" (wraps a dog collar around Mike's neck and assumes the position).
  • Film & Theater Styles - Two people with prams meeting in the park
    Australian soap - Ryan's accent is amazingly bad, and check out Colin in the background.
    German Porn - Ryan: "Dassen vassen vetting on me ... der pants are moist fur you!".
  • Film and Theater Styles - Paul and Tony doing a jail scene
    Tony spends the entire game giggling at Paul.
  • Interview - John Sessions as a Scottish Zeus
    "I'd like a picture of you, Anne [Diamond], that I can kick..."
  • March - Banking
    Colin gets half-way through, stumbles over his words, points at Richard and declares "Instrumental!"
  • Musical Producers - Jim and Mike in a musical about the murder of a Prime Minister, Sandi and Paul producing.
    After the first number - Sandi: "...both women are playing it too heavy though."
  • Party Quirks - Tony arrives as a Chippendale and starts taking his trousers off.
    Paul: "You've come as Tony Slattery!"
  • Party Quirks - Josie as a penis.
  • Party Quirks - Ryan as a gazelle being stalked by a lion. He reprises this in the credits (David Attenborough with various animals).
  • Questions Only - nudist camp.
    Josie: "Do you love me?"
    Ryan: "Isn't it apparent to you?"
    Josie: "Can I hang my towel there?"
  • Rap - Banking
    Tony concludes with "...he gives me an erection". Everybody shakes their head in disbelief.
    Mike: "The man has the morals of a German Shepherd", then begins his rap with "SPERM BANK!..."
  • Rock Opera - Mike, Josie, Tony and Paul in the Rugby, Carpentry and Car Washing opera.
  • Song Styles - All of Josie's, but particularly reggae about an ironing board, and hose pipe as Edith Piaf.
  • Superheroes - Ryan as "Leg Humping Man".
    Josie dubbing Colin "The Rhyming Couplet Kid" (watch Ryan and Colin)
    Colin as "Boneless Boy"
    Colin as "Captain Poultry".
  • Tag - Ryan tags in with Mike and gets up off the floor, brushing himself.
    Ryan: "I bet you didn't expect to find me in your urine..."
  • Tag - Josie with a hand in the air, Ryan tags in and picks her up.
    Ryan: "I'd like to accept this award..."
  • Tag - Sandi tags in with Mike (on his hands and knees), sits astride him.
    Sandi: "I have nothing to say, I just had to do that..."
  • Tag - Mike bent over, Josie tags in, hops between his legs and pulls his jacket together.
    Josie: "Oh, I hate camping!"
  • Whose Line - Brad, as a cycle cop, pulling Ryan over.
    Brad: "... the last guy I pulled over tried to get out of a ticket by saying" (reads card) "take me big boy and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!... as I recall I didn't write that ticket..."
Jeff:
  • Film Dub - Tony and Rory doing a film with Roger Moore. Tony's character states that where he comes from, they kill people that go to acting school, to which Rory (Roger Moore) replies emotionlessly, 'Very interesting.'
    You can hear even Clive laughing his arse off in the background.
Tara:
  • Film Trailer - When Greg is trailing "Jelly Wars" and Ryan plays the hero and he quips "I wish I had a condom!"
  • Animals -When Clive tells Colin, Ryan and Greg that they have to do a soap opera as hamsters, and Greg says to Clive, "What's wrong with you? Get some friends! Hamsters!"
  • Old Job, New Job - When Tony and Colin are fashion models, and Ryan is a plumber who used to be a fashion model.
  • World's Worst - thing to say to your in-laws.
    Tony: "You know the most marvelous thing about your daughter, right, is that she goes like a bloody steamhammer, she really does!"
  • News Report - The whole news report about Noah's Ark, especially with Ryan as weatherman Swing Nicely, who says "40 days of rain, rain, rain, in fact it should be falling over my ex-wife's house, so the bitch should be getting pretty wet this weekend!"
  • Bar Scene - Tony Slattery's song about being in love with cats.....Enough said.
  • Foreign Film Dub - Tony and Mike speaking Russian, and Ryan translating one of Tony's lines as "Boris was a good friend of mine, and he bought me shots, dear." Then Tony bursts out laughing.
  • Prison Scene - When Ryan was in prison for soliciting for a prostitute, like Hugh Grant, singing in reggae song style. Telling Josie he was stuck with a huge man named Moe.
  • Film and Theatre Styles - When Josie tells Tony in the laundrette... "I don't want to pity you, I want to lick you" to which Tony replies "Alright."
  • Film Dub - When Tony is supplying a voice-over about some creme, and says "From the samples we collected, one smells like a dirty old man, and the other smells like FISH!!"
  • Party Quirks - When Greg comes in as Tony's angel and devil on either shoulder, and says...
    Angel: "This is the loveliest party that could ever be!"
    Devil: "Are there gonna be people here we can have group sex with?"
    To which Tony replies "Just another normal party for me, then."
  • News Report - Greg is in the studio with expert Dr. Pengo played by Eddie Izzard, on the topic of Gulliver's Travels, and asks him...
    Greg: "Dr., do you have any advice for children who might get tied down by little people?"
    Eddie: "Yep, take scissors!"
  • Credits - When Tony has to read the credits in the style of an Australian soap star, and makes his way to the monitor, and falls over. He just lies there for 30 seconds or so.
  • Film Trailer - "The Creature from Essex". Enough said. What are SQUATTIES?
  • Press Conference - When Tony was the first man to make love in outer space, but didn't get it, to which Clive responded:
    "You got everything Tony but the sexual innuendo, which we all thought you'd get!".
    Tony: "Oh did you? Clive, you're as warped as your bald head!"
Daniel Dharmasurya:
  • Foreign Film Dub -
    Josie: (speaks in foreign language)
    Ryan: "I want to make long, passionate love to you, you on top of me, thrusting yourself upon me, take me now, love me as no man has ever loved me before!" (or words to that effect)
    Tony: ('foreign' language) "Okay!"
    Steve (translation): "Pardon?"
  • Hats - Ryan in metalsmith's hat: "You're a piece of metal. I'm a piece of metal. When things get hot, we kinda fuse together. Our legs...".
    He comes back a second time and says: "Alright, maybe you didn't understand me last time. You're a piece of metal. I'm a piece of...".
    He's buzzed out and comes back a 3rd time. "This is the last time I'm going to explain this..."
  • Narrate - Clive: "A door to door salesman, that's you, Colin, and a housewife, that's you, Ryan."
  • Narrate - Ryan: "He looked a little nervous. I thought at this point maybe I should put some clothes on."
  • Whose Line - Ryan: "I'm not sure Rebecca is the right girl."
    Colin: "Well, she is kind of a tramp."
    Ryan: "Hey!"
    Colin: "She's had more hands up her than the Muppets!"
  • Film Trailer/Moving People - Tony splitting his pants.
    Greg stands and says "I can't describe what I just saw!"
  • Press Conference - Colin has spent 6 months living inside a whale.
    Ryan: "Is sperm your favourite?"
  • Hats - Josie is wearing a police hat. "Alright boys... spread 'em!"
  • Questions Only -
    Ardal: "Have you seen my dog?"
    Ryan: "What does he look like?"
    Ardal: "Would you know a dog if you saw one?"
    Ryan: "Is it a German Shepherd?"
    Ardal: (struggling) "Would a German Shepherd... have more than one leg?"
  • Let's Make A Date - Ryan is "obsessed by erotica". 'nuff said. Greg guesses him as "Tory Cabinet Minister".
  • Party Quirks - Mike McShane as a kissogram. Need I say more?
  • Party Quirks - Josie Lawrence hears voices. Need I say more?
  • Secret - Ryan wants to be God. "I have powers very similar to him! See this water? (makes hand motion) Potato salad! More useful than wine and twice as tasty!"
  • Press Conference - Caroline has guessed what she was ("First Female Pope").
    Clive: "You seemed to have really picked up after you were asked whether you liked having your ring kissed."
    Caroline: "What are you implying?"
  • Scenes From A Hat - "A Weight-Watchers' re-union" - Paul and Josie enter.
    Paul: "No luck then?"
Kara (no. 1 Slattery fan):
  • Changing Emotions - Tony, Ryan and Colin? when the towel means arrogant.
    Tony: "My nipples are like chair legs!"
  • Party Quirks - when Tony tells Clive to "F*** off!"
Samantha Channon:
  • Party Quirks - when Greg makes the theme of the party "Come as one of Colin's dinosaurs".
Patrick:
  • Superheroes - Ryan as "Man Who Says Everything Twice Man". The best part is at the end of the skit when he says, "bye bye" and then has to determine whether or not he's already repeated himself!
Sofi Papamarko:
  • Scenes From A Hat - The suggestion is "Arguing over the tip."
    Chip Esten (to a useless Archie Hahn): "Hey, I circumsized him, I get to keep it!"
  • Film Dub - Julian Clary and Paul Merton. The clip is a "Thunderbirds"-type animation clip where Paul's character is wearing armour, and Julian's is dressed up as an army sergeant. The scene is an escort service.
    Paul: "Do you have a can opener?"
    (same scene, later on) Julian: "Nothing kinky. Hand relief, that's all I do..."
  • World's Worst - Chat-up lines.
    Jimmy Mulville: "You don't sweat much for a fat girl!" (I lost all respect for Greg Proops when he ripped off this classic line in a later episode)
  • Authors - Archie Hahn (doing that lady who wrote "The Colour Purple", Alice ?) I done killed the dawg!
  • Party Quirks - Paul Merton has to use the name of a fish in every sentence. "I have such a terrible haddock!!!"
  • Props - A long pole with a net attached to it.
    Chip Esten: (gesturing to Archie and then the net) "This is Frankie. Here's a net." (Annette...get it?)
  • Song Styles - Mike's chicken drilling reggae song.
  • Helping Hands - Josie: "Oooh, a peanut colada!"
  • American Musical - Paul, John, Josie and Archie in the Northern Line musical.
    Paul: "It's no use asking me, I don't know a thing!"
    Paul at the end: ("...and mind the gaaaaaap!")
  • Expert - Ryan as a taxidermist - ALL TIME FUNNIEST MOMENT (and scariest, too...)
John Derick:
  • Film Dubbing - Tony (with Steve Frost dubbing a doctor and a nurse kissing) - "Your tongue would take five gondolas to...". What i wouldn't give to hear the rest of what he was going to say (he was interrupted by Steve).
  • Film and Theatre Styles - Steve Frost (as Tony is restraining him with his hand near Steve's chest): "Well get your hands off me breast then!!!"
  • New Job, Old Job - Tony (with Colin as two five year olds in school): "If you're five years old, then why are you losing your hair?"
  • Bartender - Tony (singing to Mike): "I got a problem, I like to report, when I see Porky Pig my pants distort"
Stephanie McKay:
  • World's Worst - (worst body product ads)
    Greg: "How many times have you heard this: 'Mom, I'm covered in ocelot juice!'?"
Jeremy Parker:
  • Foreign Film Dub -

  • Josie: "Fudoria ba ya ya yo ya bar gogegebaba".
    Ryan: "Boy, I would like to take you to bed and make love to you! Hour after hour, you laying on top of me, thrusting yourself upon me! Like some man, making me want you more and more! The sweat whithering across my milky white countenance! TAKE ME NOW! LOVE ME AS NO MAN HAS EVER LOVED ME BEFORE!
    Tony: "Okay."
    Steve: "Pardon?"
Kevin Blanchard:
  • Alphabet - Tony (at any point, especially when it gets to O): OOOOOHH!
  • Props - Tony and Josie, where Jo has a strainer of sorts.

    Tony: "what are you carrying Josie?"
    Josie: "my new see through purse so all the criminals can see what i'm carrying and rob me" (in that sense or so.)
    to which Tony replies: "You stupid bitch!"
  • March - Colin Mochrie during the Money March:
    "I love smelling money as it comes out of the banks,
    I love the smell of dollars, of pesos, of francs,
    instrumental!"
  • World's Worst - Paul Merton during "World's Worst person to be stuck in a lift with: "Hello, I'm John Sessions."
Yakmir:
  • Credit Reading - Greg, Colin, and Ryan... in the style of Tony Slattery.
  • World's Worst - Scene from a nature documentary.
    Colin: "Now, how do we put the leopard back together?" (demonstrates).
    Ryan: (stands with back to camera, makes baa-ing noise and looks round guiltily).
    Tony: "And, of course, the best thing we can do with these lovely chihauhuas... is to set fire to them..."
    Greg: "Tonight, on the World of Insects... Fondue!" (demonstrates)
  • Film and Theatre Styles: (Clive learns about American culture)...
    Clive: (to audience) "Blossom? What's Blossom? It's a brand of shoe polish isn't it?"
    Greg: "It's an American sitcom, homeboy."
    Clive: "Right, I think we'll start with that one, then."
    (Greg and Tony are dramatically displeased).
Stephanie McKay:
  • Three of a Kind - Ryan, Colin and Greg as three televangelists in a laundromat. The whole thing is hilarious.
  • World's Worst - Flat mate.
    Ryan pretends to pull back a shower curtain and the gist of what he says is "I was thinking we should try to conserve water..."
  • Secrets - Colin: "Father Mother, I am... agog!"
    Ryan: "Don't tell me you wouldn't like to be God yourself! I've seen you before in your room, up against the wall, whatever that means."
  • World's Worst - Person to be last person on the planet with.
    Tony: "Do you know I haven't been to the toilet in... 4 months?"
Jean-Marc Samson:
  • Hoedowns etc. - Anytime that Colin gets stuck with something he can't rhyme and he just faints.
  • Party Quirks - Ryan as a faun being stalked by a lion. In the middle of a sentence he stops and looks around with his eyes all big.
Rachel Smart:
  • Superheroes - Colin as Interpretive Dance Man.

  • Colin as Captain Cannibal.
  • World's Worst - Recruitment Ads.
    Greg advertises for the Communist Chinese Red Army - Clive buzzes him out but he keeps going. This continues, then Greg says "That buzzing sound you can hear is the Capitalists oppressing us!".
  • Party Quirks - Colin as "Animals being attacked by crocodiles at a waterhole".

  • Ryan as "Everything he touches becomes enormous".
  • World's Worst - Body products. "Nipple Away". Need I say more?.......:)
  • Home Shopping - Colin and Ryan with the product a CD of camping songs.
    They introduce "That great reggae classic, 'What's That Noise?'. I don't recall who sang it but it was *so* funny.
  • Questions Only - Josie and Greg as secret lovers on a holiday with their 'real' partners.
    Josie: "Would you like to touch my breasts right now?
    Greg: "What do you think?"
    Josie: (runs out, and the look of disappointment on Greg's face has to be seen to be believed...... especially as Josie is replaced by Ryan, whose first line is "Do you like them?").
Matthew Rudd:
  • Film and Theatre Styles - policeman questions suspects, in a game show style.
    Jim Sweeney: "So, there was meat, what else was there?"
    Steve Steen: "There was meat, there was meat, there was gristle, er yeah, gristle; there was a lot of blood, lot of blood, there was er, there was giblets, giblets...!"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - prisoner and jailer
    Tony: "I didn't do it, I don't deserve to go in there!" (giggles at Paul)
    Paul: "I think you're as guilty as hell!"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - two galley slaves, as US soap opera.
    Colin: "I think I'm pregnant!"
    Ryan: "You didn't see it coming then. After all, this ship is full of seamen..."
  • Film and Theatre Styles - fairground rifle range stallholder and customer.
    Steve Frost: "How old are you?"
    Tony (enthusiastic child): "I'm forty-two!"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - wife suspects husband of affair, Aussie soap.
    Josie: "Oh, rack off you! 'I love you Susan?' Who's she when she's at home?"
    Mike (as a visiting American): "She's just someone I met at the shrimp bar, she's attractive, she wears those corks on her nipples..."
  • Film and Theatre Styles - bank robber and teller, Biblical epic.
    Chip: "You are a young man - you shall have three sons and name them Seth."
  • Film and Theatre Styles - Two roofers, B-movie.
    Colin and Ryan just slap their arms and wave the stinging insects away...
  • Film and Theatre Styles - door to door salesman and customer, Greek Tragedy.
    Julian: "I've come to sleep with your mother and then kill her - in that order."
    Paul: "You're too late - I've already done it."
    Julian: "How about your father - is he available?"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - undertaker and customer choosing a coffin.
    Paul: "If you choose chipboard, her arse'll be through it in a fortnight."
  • Film and Theatre Styles - man borrows something from a neighbour, commedia dell'arte.
    John: "Why, unfunny Italian comedy done too loudly and brightly, are we wearing red tights?"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - first snorkelling lesson.
    Ryan: "Before we begin the lesson Phil, we should just check the equipment. This is...?"
    Colin: "A snorkel."
    Ryan: "This is...?"
    Colin: "The tank."
    Ryan: "And this is...?"
    Colin: "My bathing suit!"
  • Film and Theatre Styles - Tony holding up his hands to Steve Fost and saying "You are a woman and I..." and Steve interrupts "Well take your hands off my tits then."
  • Emotion option - in a laundrette, depressing.
    Tony: "That's not the colour of my underwear, I just had a bit of an accident."
    Josie: "I know - I can smell you from here."
  • Emotion option - adjoining shower cubicles, hornily.
    Ryan: "Oh Lance, I seem to be out of water here."
    Brad: "Oh no - I've dropped the soap..."
  • Letter Changes - at a barbeque, Jim (replaces b with f), Steve Steen (replaces s with t).
    Jim: "Care for a slice of fread and futter?"
    Steve: "Nah, can't have that - it makes me thit."
  • Props
    Paul: (metal colander) "Could you take a look at my satellite dish? There's something wrong with it - it keeps picking up crap 24 hours a day."
    Steve Steen: (large black circle) "Yes, yes, liquorice pizza, that's what I want!"
    Ryan: (red rubber glove) "And this is a cow from Chernobyl."
    Rory: (two feather dusters) "I learnt to drum in a library."
    Josie: (red pompom - puts it on her head) "Hello little boy - I know a place where you can buy really crap hamburgers."
  • World's Worst
    Ron: (worst president) "I hereby abolish Congress and am going to set up a gigantic water slide."
    Ryan: (thing to say during sex) "The Chunnel is open for business."
    Greg: (parent) "Son, you can really take a punch. Now it's your turn."
    Jane: (person to share a raft with) "Dig my stilettoes?"
    Steve Frost: (weatherman) "And if the piece of string moves, it's going to be windy."
    Tony: (person to sit next to in an exam) "No! Let's rebel against the bourgeois exam system!"
    Colin: (lawyer) "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's not like the sheep was under age."
    Ryan: (hospital visitor) "I work for the airline sir - can we have the food you're not finished with?"
    Tony: (person to be marooned with) "Do you know - I have not been to the toilet for four months?"
  • Party Quirks - Tony answers the door to the first guest. Steve Steen says "Ah, Miss Moneypenny, nice to see you." Tony guesses James Bond correctly, Steve departs, turns round and says "This party's crap!"

  • Paul answers the door to John as a sumo wrestler, who says "Hello Paul, you couldn't just pull this armchair off my buttocks, could you?"
    Sandi answers the door to Tony as an elephant, who says "Hello - I'm sorry I'm late. I would have brought Sabu but he's having his hair done."
    Paul answers the door to Steve Steen as Paul Merton who later says "I've been listening to your record - none of those words rhyme."
    Ryan's outstanding performance as a fireworks display.
    Chris Smith asks Jim Meskimen, as a boxing trainer, if he can get him anything. Jim says: "Yeah - get me a bucket and a towel."
    Clive asks Steve Frost if the party's ready. Steve says: "Yeah, food, drink, music - all been nicked."
    Sam answers to Jane as a TV aerobics instructor, who shouts: "And ring, and shake! And ring, and shake! And where's the food? And munch and munch and munch and munch, to the right and munch and munch and munch!" Sam takes one look at her and says "Welcome, insane jogger!"
    Sam answers to Chip as a Miss World contestant, who says "I'd like to use my breasts to promote world peace."
    After seeing off Rory's appearance as Clive, Greg says to the next guest: "We just had Clive Anderson here - I am SO sleepy!"
    Tony answers the door to Steve Steen as Beethoven, who immediately shouts "Pardon?"
    Colin's fantastic performance as a man who is constantly dying and reincarnated as a variety of animals.
    Jim Sweeney's phenomenally quick roll call of surnames as he pretends he's on a school reunion.
    Jim Meskimen, as a reminiscing old timer, says to Sandi: "And where that beanbag chair is, was..." Sandi interrupts: "That's my husband actually..."
  • Bar Scene - Ryan and Colin's helpless laughter as Greg the Plastic Surgeon sings to Josie about his depression at being sacked.
    "I'm a plastic surgeon, it really is the pits,
    I got fired last week for cutting off too many tits..."
  • Psychiatrist - Colin's decision to pretend to be German during a scene in which he is scared of psychiatrists. It was set in Germany, after all.
  • American Musical - Jim Sweeney bringing news of a mugging with the line:
    "She was mugged, Greg;
    She hurt her leg, Greg;
    She's dead, Greg..."
  • Hoedown - Colin feigning a heart attack after losing his track in a hoedown about Christmas.
  • Credits - Mike's brilliant credit read as a TV evangelist.
  • Foreign Film Dub - Colin has just asked Caroline to marry him.
    Caroline: "Oh - ja ja ja ja ja..."
    Steve Frost: (translates) "No."
  • Scene to music - at the butcher's. Steve Frost hands over a huge sausage.
    Steve: "Would you like some dripping to go with that?"
    Caroline: "Don't worry, I'm doing my own..."
  • Bits that went wrong - Clive telling Sandi at the start of a Tag game to be on her knees, before adding "Or have you been on your knees all evening?"
  • Fixed Expressions - An audience member suggests 'constipation'.
    Clive: "Is that a suggestion or a cry for help? I've got a pencil here - you can have that..."
  • Number of Words - Ryan as a one-worded hijacked pilot, spending most of it shouting "Tower" into the radio...
  • Film and Theatre Styles - Josie clutching Caroline's ample breasts - pause buttons at the ready...
  • Helping Hands - Tony clutching Josie's less ample breasts as revenge for her biting his finger...
  • Fixed Expressions - At a football match, with Steve Frost as permanently happy, bringing the scene to a close with "I've got cramp in my cheeks, I know that much..."
  • Film Review - set in a prison, with Josie leading an escape plan:
    Josie: "Here fellas, I don't like the Governor - I think we should have a riot and kill him."
    Paul: (replies unconvinced) "I agree - with such a plan how could we possibly fail?"
Peter Beacham:
  • Scene to Music - at the butcher's. Steven sells Caroline a Christmas Sausage. They wax sentimental over it (been in the family for generations), Caroline promises to take good care of it. As the scene progresses and the music changes, it becomes a game of double-entendre. Both of them really push each other out of the envelope. As Caroline is picking up her package and leaving, Steve says "Do you want some drippings with that?" to which Caroline replies "Thanks, I've got plenty of my own!"
Peggy McCallum:
  • Secret - Colin & Ryan as two old geezers in the nursing home (Elvis trading cards hidden in the commode). Colin has a date and Ryan asks "Are ya goin' out for... puddin'?".
Myrna Prudhomme:
  • Mission Impossible - Ryan: "Oh no, the door is locked from the inside!"
    Colin: "Well, if it's locked from the inside... that means we can open it!"
    Ryan: "Oh ya!"
Andrew Afan:
  • Newsflash - Colin is standing in front of a King Kong movie.
    Ryan: "So how are you feeling out there?"
    Colin: "Well, I'm feeling very alone..."
    (right behind him, a crowd of people flee with perfect timing).
Alia:
  • Superheroes - Ryan: "Thank Goodness you're here.... Overindulgence Boy!"
    Steve proceeds to mime snorting cocaine, shooting heroin, drinking a beer (or something), and having sex, then stands up and says normally "You called?" (or words to that effect).
  • Party Quirks - Ryan as a lizard.
    Colin as a skier who keeps running into things.
    Paul Merton and his Twiglets (not a scene, but I always liked seeing them).
    Ryan is magnetic - he pulls off the doorknob and throughout the party is handing Greg things that he's attracted. "Oh look, here's a knife." Ryan as animals crossing the road. (and not making it, for the most part...)
  • Whose Line - Parody of Armageddon.
    Colin (as VP): "Sir, eventually you'll have to believe it. (reads card) It's time to release the orangutans."
    Later, Ryan (as prez): "Well... I'm going to have to get in front of that camera and say 'Good Evening, America, I am your President. The time has come for me to say (reads card) 'Help me John, I'm shrinking.'"
Theresa:
  • Hats - Colin (wearing sailor cap): "All hands on Dick!"
    Colin (wearing viking helmet): "I will make love to you until I'm Thor!"
    Ryan (horse jocket cap): "And the winner is penis, by a head!"
Thomas Brookes:
  • Scene To Rap - zoo. Colin (tries to get rid of Ryan who's a nudist):
    "Im the security guard right here.
    Who is this guy is he...weird? (screws up)
    He shouldnt be here showing all his parts.
    Come on their buddy...woah what a fart!
    People like him make me mad
    The state of this really sad,
    We cant have naked people running 'round like this.
    Excuse me guys I gotta take a piss."
  • Song Styles - Wayne & Mike sing to Barbra (audience member) who tries to get back to her seat during the song.
  • Props - Mike & Ryan - toke up with a prop that looks like a bong.
    Wayne (sticks his head through a lip-shaped prop) "Push, Mrs Johnson, PUSH!"
    Mike & Ryan (with plungers) - Mike: "Still lactating?", Ryan: "Yeah.", Mike keeps pumping on Ryan's nipples until he gets pinches (or gets a purple nipple)
  • Superheroes - Amnesia, with Greg as Sticky Man.
    Greg greets Ryan as "70s Disco Boy"
    Ryan greets Colin as "Karma Sutra Man" (crowd loses it)
    Colin greets Mike as "Captain Bullshitter".
  • Party Quirks - Colin as animals who are getting eaten by a crocodile.
    Wayne as a pimp.
    Ryan finds mundane things exciting.
    Colin goes through the stages of getting drunk.
    Ryan has diarrhoea and constipation problems.
  • Weird Newscasters - Ryan is Frankenstein's Monster looking for a mate. He randomly picks a man from the audience. The man tries to get away and Ryan screams at him. Ryan drags him over and makes love to him behind the green screen.
    Colin as a co-anchor who can't remember the news and has to look for his notes.
    Wayne as a chipmunk who is doing his dance number.
    Ryan as the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz.
  • World's Worst - lover. Greg: "This was the best birthday ever, grandma!"
    Colin: "You've heard of the clapper... (claps)"
  • Hats - Greg (indian hair) "I am Hung-Like-Snake."
    Ryan (horse haid) "Guess what I'm hung like?"
    Ryan (robin hood hat) "I'm looking for a few merry men."
  • Greatest Hits - Camping Songs. Colin tries to come up with the title to the great motown hit - "Look... at the different... things."
    Colin & Ryan (after Wayne's Michael Jackson song) say that Michael Jackson is a fine singer and a great head coach (Drew freaks out)
  • Let's Make A Date - Ryan as a conceited nudist.
    Colin as an uptight driving instructor.
    Ryan as a masochist.
    Wayne as the chooser who prepares himself before the dates arrive.
  • Hoedown - Blind Date. Ryan: "I had a blind date. It really was a fright.
    She was the kinda girl who shouldnt be in the light.
    She wasnt attractive. She was kinda bland,
    But she sure beat the hell outta using my right hand!"
Heather Peacock:
  • Party Quirks - Ryan is marinelife being sucked into a propeller, Colin loves to stick his hands in other people's pockets.
    Ryan is a dog trained to sniff out idiots. He sniffs out Drew at his stand, howls, and points at him.
  • Weird Newscasters - Ryan is the weatherman, as Frankenstein looking for a mate. He chooses a balding male from the audience and drags him behind the green screen. When they emerge from behind, the man is exhausted.
  • Scenes From A Hat - I can't remember who did this, but the topic was 2 beetles making love on a leaf. Two of the guys went down, one starts humping the other, "I'm really crazy about you, Ringo"
  • Credits - Tony as an Australian soap actor, he collapses in front of the camera and lies there, starts to get up too soon, and goes back down.
  • Home Shopping - Ryan and Colin hosting a commercial for a tape set of ant songs. Colin suggests a song about a thorax by the b52's, and Brad Sherwood does an amazing impression of Fred Schneider.
  • World's Worst - Ryan-"Got a window? Open it and stick your hand out. If your hand is wet, it's raining."
Jem Roberts:
  • Psychiatrist - Tony's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Calypso. Tony: "I think sometimes I drink too much,
    I think I drink too much gin.
    Then I find myself falling in love with a shiny terrapin.
    I like to call it Josie or Myrtle,
    But really I like to- Mount a turtle!
    Tell me what I do before I go mad! (Cha cha cha.)
    Josie:
    This is a quite nasty problem, oh yes,
    A quite nasty problem for sure. (Brrrm!)
    I think you want to be a mutant teenage ninja turtle,
    Do you, tell me, live in a sewer? (Aha)
    Oh, I'm going to give you some pills to stop this,
    They may make your eyelids droop. (I don't mind!)
    But never go near the turtles again,
    Or you may end up in the turtle soup.
  • Film & Theatre Styles - Paul & Tony- Prisoner & Guard- Paul hasn't been on the show for a while, and in Clive's words, takes it 'all a bit too seriously'. They go onto Gangster movie style, and Tony starts miming a fag. Tony: "Aah, I... " Paul: "Hang on, where's the cigarette come from? (TONY pisses himself) Hang on, I'll just park this scooter... "
    Paul & Julian- door to door salesman. the rookie Julian mimes knocking on the door. Paul: (Already bored) "Oh hello, I had this sensation that there was someone knocking on the door. You're not selling door knockers are you? What do you want?". Julian: "I've come to try and speak to you in the first place!"
  • Party Quirks: - Tony is host, Josie comes as a kangaroo, mimes getting her invite out of her pouch. Tony cacks it.
    Josie: "I've just got my invitation here... "
    Tony: "W-what??!! I didn't invite that kind of strippagram!"
    Josie: "Is Skippy going to be here?"
    Tony: "Well, let me just check my diary!" (Pulls it out of his arse.)
  • Gospel: Cake Decorating I think.
    Jim:
    Everyday I like to bake, bake cakes for the lord above.
    I cover that cake and all in it with never ending love,
    Coz figure it, cakes is my life, it is it,
    I'm what you call a sad and lonely git.
    Cakes.
    Tony:
    I like cakes, you know, I find them enticing.
    I like to take my clothes off and cover my body with icing.
    I do it because you know, WHOO! I can.
    WHOAW! Take my body down with marzipan.
    Josie:
    Oh god, heavenly lord, it makes me feel so merry,
    Cause we are all baking in the lord's cake,
    And the lord, he is the cherry.
    Oh, he'll take your sins and confiscate it,
    And then he will decorate it,
    And pretty soon you will find that he's covered you with hundreds and thousands,
    All:
    Yes, he's covered you.. (Oooooh!) In hundreds and thousands!
  • American Musical - THE BEST, EVEN THOUGH PAUL MERTON AS 'SPONGEMAN' DOESN'T APPEAR - Cinema, driving, horses, whatever. When Tony comes on as the horse of Josie's dreams and takes the wheel of the car as he, Josie and Greg go for a happy ride. Tony: "Hello, you're in Never Never land, where you can meet people like me, the dancing horse!" (Does extremely embarrassing rock opera ballet dance.) Josie: "Oh horse, a horse of course,
    A horse, here we are, on the inside,
    Of the screen can we go for a ride? (The horse of my dreams)"
    Tony: "Of course we can.
    Because I am the horse of your dreams.
    Do you want to know why? (Why?)
    Because of THIS!" (Registers to genital area.)
    Josie: "I think I 'd rather go by car dear, and look, here's a car. "
    Greg: "I think we'd better get in the back, so he has more room."
    Josie: "Okay, he can take the front wheel. You know how I feel?
    I feel like it's good to be alive,
    When I'm with you and we're going for a drive,
    Everything's groovy,
    And we've got our horse, I think I'll call him Hoofy!"
    Greg: "I feel so good with you, cause we're going for a drive and it's totally new,
    I think our horse is a little goofy. (Goofy)"
    Tony: "But do you know, that nothing can happen,
    Nothing bad, Nothing bad.. (Nothing can happen)"
    Josie: "Except what's that tree? Can't you see, can't you see? "
    Tony: "The tree is coming for me! "
    TONY the Horse drives straight into the tree, killing them all outright.
  • Scoring - Clive being very strange- nobody understood him. "And the scores are getting really interesting now, in fact I think I'll have a look at them they're so interesting."
Kristjan Carson:
  • Song Titles - Colin: "where have all the flowers gone?" Ryan : "Oklahoma!"
Mike Mac Isaac Jr:
  • Party Quirks - Tony Slattery: (trying to guess Ryan Stiles) "Oh, what the hell are you?"
    Clive Anderson: "Come on, guess!"
    Tony Slattery: "Oh #$&% off!"
Alex Bradley:
  • Scenes from a Hat - Rejected theme songs to the blockbuster hit, TITANIC, Colin: "Corpses bobbing in the sea, la la la, la la la lee lee lee!"
    Dangerous things to do while naked, Colin: "LLLLLLLING-NING-NING-NING-NING-NING-NING. LLLLLLLLLING-NING-NING-NING" (his motions showed that he was jugling chainsaws).
Yvonne Love:
  • World's Worst person to audition for a role in a Shakespeare play.
    Paul Merton: "So this Juliet's fifteen then is she?"
    Josie Lawrence: "I think I'd be great for the part. After all, Shak-espeare is my favorite writer."
  • Hoedown (motorways) Greg is the first to sing. Clive says something like "They are called freeways in America". Greg gives Clive a snide look and sings:
    "[Once I went to England], and I met me a man.
    He was shiny and bald, his name was Clive AnderSAN.
    There was some confusion, I said "Where's the freeway?"
    He said (Greg in an English accent) "No you silly twat, it's a mo-tor-way."
  • Sound Effects Ambulance worker going out on a call. This was in the first aired episode of the US series. Colin and Ryan, Ryan providing the sound effects. Colin going through various events (including waking up and getting dressed). Works on a patient, and after sewing him up, he runs over him with the ambulance.
  • Party Quirks in the same episode, Ryan: Faun being born - absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
Victoria:
  • Hoe Down: (Birth), Ryan:
    Ryan, I came out of my mother at excatley 10 to 5
    Every body screamed and ran and yelled its alive!
    I really can't blame them, I geuss it's kinda scary
    cause everybody tells me I ressemble Drew Carey.
    Everybody, Ressemble Drew Carey
  • Narrator (airport), Ryan: "See if your carry on fits through that hole there", Colin: "Make up your own joke here".
  • Film & Theatre Styles ColinL "How are we going to get up there?", Ryan: "You have a saftey pin and I have an Owdy... Put the safty pin on my Owdy", Colin: (stares at him then does it), Ryan: "Scale me!"
  • Film & Theatre Styles Ryan: "How are we going to get over the fence?"
    Colin: "I know... you wore your inflatable shoes right! so inflate them"
    (They both inflate their shoes)
    Ryan: "Oh No i only wore one!"
    Colin: "Here hold on to me"
    (They both jump)
    Ryan: "Ahh I landed on the fence!"
    (Colin lifts him off)
    Ryan: "Oh No not another huge fence!"
    (Ryan holds on to Colin and they both jump)
    Ryan: "Ahh I landed on the fence again!"
Andrea:
  • Party Quirks: Colin as a Crab: "Oops, you scared me."
  • Super Heros: Ryan as Man Who Says Everything Really Slow, Tony as Flatulence Boy
  • Helping Hands: Ryan as a Barber, drinks the aftershave, then claims in astonishment, "Whoa, that's REAL aftershave!"
M Sipher:
  • Party Quirks: Wayne, as footage from "King Kong Vs. Godzilla", picks up a gal named Melissa from the audience... and in doing so, accidentally raises her skirt up to "flasher" zone. Drew is almost on the floor, Wayne is profusely trying to apologize in monkey-language, while host Brad has to deal with Ryan trying to tackle him (as a series of football tackles) and Colin making a lot of noise (having a personal vendetta against Brad's downstairs neighbors)... and of course, Drew's comments after the skit ("Good thing you listened to your mother's advice, huh?") were a hoot... and through it all Melissa was a good sport, and earned a million points.
  • Hoedown: Same episode, the song was about cop shows, but Ryan's final line turns out to be "Thursdays at eight, you can see Melissa's underwear!" Colin makes his mark by singing about a cop show starring Abe Vigoda and Eric Estrada called (brace yourself!) "Fish and Chips".
  • Three-headed Broadway Star: Wayne, Drew and Ryan singing about a shoe. Things start off when Wayne accidentally starts on a second word ("A sh-"), Drew follows up with "-oooe", and Ryan counters with "Gezundheit!"... which starts Drew giggling, and sets the stage for more foul-ups (including Drew's very intentional multi-word go), to the point where Drew can barely squeak out his words, and Wayne is about to hurt himself by not busting up himself.
  • News Flash: I don't remember the game, only that it had Greg, Ryan and Colin in it... but Drew accidentally calls Ryan "Colin"...
    Greg: "No, he's Ryan."
    Ryan: "It's better than 'Lewis', he's been calling me that for years!"
    Greg: (To Drew) "Wait, so are you Jim or Mariah?"
Chelsea C:
  • Newsflash: Colin in front of green screen while millions and millions of maggots are squirming in the backround, Josie and Ryan are giving hints)
    Ryan:"Well Colin,I'm afraid if I open my mouth I'll vomit"
    Colin: "Mind if I eat?" (Takes bite of sandwich while maggot are grossing out everyone who looks at them)
Aileen Kelly:
  • Misc: Paul: "Are you bald or is your neck blowing bubble gum?"
    Clive: "It's not my fault, I'm taller than my hair."
Tigris Blessing:
  • Moving People: A girl is moving Ryan into all different positions and he shouts to Colin, "Hey look! I'm Gumby!". Then Colin says something like "Well, are you gonna face me?". Ryan has one knee bent and is leaning forward while his hands are behind his head and he cuts off Colin's last words by yelling back "Quiet! I'm expressing myself!" and Drew giggles.
  • Party Quirks: Ryan (as a crash test dummy) moves in slow-motion like driving a car and he acts like he hits a wall with his arms and head flopping all around, his body blows forward and his eyes cross as he makes an exploding noise! Then he gets up and does it AGAIN!
Denimjo:
  • Narrate: Colin: "And that's when he did something totally unexpected. He took me totally by surprise. I mean, sure, it was kinda funny, but still it was really weird."
    (Colin steps back, Ryan proceeds to kiss him passionately. After the scene ends, Ryan offers Colin a breathmint.)
    Drew: "Oh man, I'm gonna have nightmares over that!"
oniramcire:
  • World's Worst: (person to be a weather person)
    Steve: "If the piece of string moves, it's gonna be windy."
    Ryan: "It looks like acid rain over the weekend."
    Tony: "Hello, my name is Michael Fish."
Jenn:
  • Superheroes: Colin as Captain Panic.
  • Party Quirks: Colin being chased by low flying aircraft.
    Ryan wanting to ride Tony's camel - "I have just walk many miles and I am ready to hop on the sucker. Yeeha!!! Don't give him any water!"
Amanda Daimler:
  • Duet: Chip & Wayne to Dental Assistant Connie - Chip: "Connie, Connie I think your so keen. Connie, Connie I think your so keen. I waited two hours, but I had a good magazine."
  • Hats: Ryan (magic hat on lap): "It's not gonna be a rabbit"
    Greg (lamp shade): "If you're lucky I'll let you turn me on"
  • Greg corrects Drew about Africa being a continent not a country, then makes fun of him for the rest of the episode.
Mary Clark:
  • Hoedown: Grandmothers, Colin (has chosen to do his on mobile phones, a previous suggestion, instead): "I have a mobile phone, it is really neat, it dials and calls and washes my feet, expands and grows and turns into a plane, it really is great...neat...I'm insane!"
    Ryan: I love my grandmother and when the day ends I discover than we are a bit more than friends...(the audience starts to laugh, as does Ryan, finally the laughing subsides and Ryan manages to fit in the last line)...the teeth right off her gums!"
  • Gospel: Knitting, Paul: "Oh, I'm knitting for the Lord, yes I am!!" (he was just really into it!)
  • Hoedown: Worst Nightmare, Ryan's verse...he screws up and has to start over, trying to keep from laughing, rhyming "creature (creacheer)" with "mirror (meer)"
  • Narrate: Laundromat, Colin: "It was then that I noticed the tank. It was a tank. how could you not notice that? Boy, weird, huh?"
  • Party Quirks: When Rory imitated Tony and Tony got it and said "I'm not playing anymore"
    When Tony played very badly, and Clive chided him and Tony just yelled "Oh, f*** off!"
  • Film Trailer: When Tony split his pants.
Janet Grey:
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Two high tech thieves, style of a cable shopping channel.
    Greg: "You can see that Ryan has on a delightful pair of infared spectacles. Why don't you just show how those work, Ry?"
    Ryan: "You can see...in the dark! How much would you pay for these--69 pounds?"
    Greg: "Oh more than that!"
    Ryan: 89 pounds?"
    Greg: "Oh, much much more!"
    Ryan: "How bout your first born male child!?"
    Greg: "Why I'd kill him!"
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Jailor & prisoner, Tony and Paul keep taking shots at one another...about their clothes, actions, etc. Between styles, Clive says: "This is just lapsing into personal abuse!"
    Paul obnoxiously responds: "You shut your face!"
  • News Report: Little Bo Peep loosing her sheep, Josie is interviewing Mike, who is Little Bo Peep
    Josie: "I'm here with Little Bo Peep herself, obviously quite upset...umm, Bo, umm, how did this happen?"
    Mike: "It didn't happen at all. I went out in the back to take a piss..."
    Mike breaks into a fit of laughter along with the rest of the audience, Clive shaking his head yet still laughing. Mike finally stops laughing, and very embarrassed, says: "I don't believe I just said that..." needless to say, the scene went right back to Greg and Ryan, the host and the expert of the newsreport.
  • World's Worst: thing for a doctor or surgeon to say, Ryan: "I have to say, Mr. Johnson you wife is one hot looking babe!"
  • Hoedown: sex, Greg: "Oh I'm a randy bugger, I really get around, I like to have a shag with everyone in town
    I have lots of fun I'm as happy as can be, And that's cuz my name's Tony Slattery"
  • Scenes From A Hat: Odd things to celebrate, Paul: "I had my first piss 35 years ago!"
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Julian Clary and Paul Merton, a door to door salesman and the person answering the door. The style is Greek tragedy.
    Julian: (In a low chanting fashion) "Why! Why have we never met before!?" (He then turns to the audience to explain, "That's the chorus!")
    Paul: (Back to the chanting) "Because I've only just moved into the area!"
    Julian:(Yup, still chanting) I've come to sleep with your mother and then kill her..... (much laughter)...in that order"
    Paul: (you guessed it) "I'm afraid I've already done it"
    Julian:(wow you're smart) "How bout your father is he around?"
  • Hoedown: being stood up, Colin Mochrie: "I met a girl I really really liked, I hoped that she'd come over but she wouldn't can you believe it?
    (Now he's really mad, starts shouting at camera)I...you know I've been waiting! I've been waiting! No call! No phone call!" He turns around and stomps back to his chair. A classic. Now, here's Tony Slattery, on the same hoedown:
    "I waited in the restaurant I waiting just all night, I drank so much whiskey I began to feel quite tight
    And then no one turned up in the end and then I thought, 'Oh no!' And then I kissed a Labrador and then I....." He couldn't finish the hoedown...instead he just broke out in laughter.
  • Interview: Julian Clary is interviewing Mike McShane, who's playing Julius Caeser.
    Julian: Can I ask you now about romance, Caeser? Is there a special person in your life that you go home to at night after a hard day's battling?
    Mike:There's a little slave boy...
    Julian: Ah, yes I thought perhaps there was...
  • Translation: Josie's explaining volvos in swedish, Paul's translating. If any of you have seen this one, you know just how funny this really is.
    Josie: Opens the act with her "swedish"
    Paul(translating):Good evening laides and gentlemen I am very pleased to be here tonight.
    Josie:more 'swedish'
    Paul(tanslating,completely off topic...)"Have you ever had sex with a horse?"
    Josie:(caught off guard, laughing) Still trying to speak 'swedish'
    Paul(translating): "I have I have!"
    Josie(Keeps talking in swedish, repeating the word volvo many times to try to make Paul go back to the original topic...it doesn't work)
    Paul:"Sometimes I drive to the stables in my volvo"
    Josie: More 'swedish'
    Paul:"I've got me a palamino at the moment"
    Josie:more 'swedish', lots of laughter.
    Paul:"I mean, I'm not bothered with ponies, palaminos, horses it's all the same to me."
    Josie: miming putting gasoline in a car, even using the word 'petrol' to throw Paul off.
    Paul: "My favorite after shave on a horse, is petrol"
    Josie: 'swedish' stuff, laughter.
    Paul:"Anyway I should be talking about the car..."
Kristie:
  • Press Conference: Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Steve Frost asking Tony about being the first man to make love in space. The whole game was hilarious, but the best line came from Colin,
    Colin: "Is this the first black hole you've ever encountered?"
  • Helping Hands: where Tony grabbed Josie's breast! It was hilarious and it made me so jealous of Josie!
  • Hoedown: Tony's fluffy donkey song
  • News Report: with Josie, Mike, Greg and I think Ryan, where Josie interviewed Little Bo Peep and Mike (as Bo Peep) said he "was out back taking a piss!" and even he couldn't believe he said that!
  • Multiple Personalities: where Ryan, Colin and Tony kept switching items and everytime they had a certain item they had to behave in a pre determined way e.g: cup-paranoid, towel-conceited and bag-angry!
Gary Wayne Dupre' (Mike McShane lookalike & wannabe):
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Paul Merton (Japanese Noh Theatre): "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  • Song Styles: John Sessions (a song about a television in the style of a folk song): He did this one a capella. It was phenomenal.
pellmell:
  • This bit has me perplexed all these years later. It's Greg and Tony; Greg has invented something. Tony points at it and asks what it does. Greg replies, "It's a cheese wincer! When cheese is insulted, it catches its winces!"
    I'm still giggling about it, muttering it to myself as I walk around town, ordering my family members to "Fetch me a cheese wincer!", etc.
    It's something about the cadence of the line, I think, and Greg's "this should be patently obvious even to you, Tony!" delivery.
    When cheese is insulted, it catches its winces! Duh!
Mph4105:
  • Old Job, New Job: (Colin and Tony as students) If you're five years old, why are you losing your hair?
  • March: (Weddings) Steve Frost: I'm a little bridesmaid, I like to catch the flowers.
    I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours.
    I have a little frock on it's made of silk....AND SILK.
    After I drink the champagne, I'll have a glass of milk.
  • World's Worst: (person to sit next to in an exam room)
    Steve Frost: "This one's pretty difficult...but I'll be better at the French Oral."
    Tony: ~slams papers down~ "NO! Let's rebel against the bourgeosis exam system!"
    Tony: "STOP LOOKING AT MY PAPERS!"
  • World's Worst: (person to do surgery on you) Steve Frost: (karate guy) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! waaaoooooooo!
Laur:
  • Hoedown: Christmas, Ryan: I like to see all the girls and boys after santa brings them toys.
    Christmas is a time to pause . On christmas eve youll find me fu**ing mrs clause."
  • Hoedown: Bachelor party. Ryan: "My friends threw me a party i knew that i was sunk we striped right down all night long got really drunk
    danceing with my naked friends boy thats the life as a matter of fact to hell with my wife!"
  • News Flash: Colin ,Ryan,Chip, Colin is in fornt of the green screen and its a whole thing of him acting weird
  • Scenes from a Hat: Names that will get your kids ass kicked in school, Colin: "Here, Colin."
    Little know facts about our host Drew Carey, Ryan: "What kind of middle name is Allison"
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Clive: "You are in a park pusing a pram", Ryan : "a Pram would be?"
    Clive to Ryan and Greg: "you are two people stuck in a lift", Ryan: "lift lift lift"
  • Hats: Ryan with a top hat in his lap: "It aint gonna be a rabbit"
    Ryan wearing black brim glasses after Drew said that Africa was a country instead of a continent : "did you know that africa is a continent?"
  • Song Titles: Ryan to Wayne : "itsey bitsy teeni weeni yellow polka dot bikeni"
    Wayne to Ryan: "one eyed one horned flyin purple people eater"
  • Superheroes: Colin: Captin hair, bloodloss man, bitter divorced kid
    Ryan: Yoodling pogo stick man, sir frcks alot
    Brad: prissy boy, suicide boy
  • Helping Hands: any of them as long as Ryan is there
  • Film Noire/Narrate: Colin: "Then he did something really werid. so weird it took me by supris even though it was kind of funny it was still really weird."
    Ryan: "Gives him a big sloppy wet kiss."
    Drew: "boy im gonna have night mares"
    Ryan to Colin: "breath mint?"
  • Let's Make A Date: Ryan as a farmer lookin for the guy who slept with his daughter.
Need4news:
  • Anytime Greg Proops invents a psuedonym, e.g., "Hello; I'm Red Whenexcited."
Laurel:
  • Let's Make A Date etc.: Colin's Scottish accent thing ('Och-och-aye!')
  • Film & Theatre Styles: Clive: "What is that?" Colin (twisting a couple of hair pieces) "Hair - blowing in the wind!"
    The subsequent style from that one - Clive: "Shakespeare." Ryan: "The sky, the sky beyond the door is bluuuee..." Colin: "Aye, 'tis blue!" Clive (laughing): "That's ... that's the worst Shakespeare I've ever heard."
  • News Flash: From the American season finale with Colin not realising he's in front of himself on the green screen.
    Chip: "How did it start?" Colin: "It all started with a badly timed bald joke!"